How Metal Gear Solid Really Happened Chapter 13: The World Domination Plan With Technology, a metal gear fanfic

HOW METAL GEAR SOLID REALLY HAPPENED

By Josh D. Blanco

Hey, kumusta ka? For those of you who aren't Tagalog-speakers, I just said "Hey, what's up?" Now, some "Priority One" pre-chapter messages...

1.) ANSWERING CHAPTER 12-And-A-Half COMPLAINTS! Now, I know that some people here told me that they were - what's a good word... dissatisfied – dissatisfied with the way I portrayed them in Chapter 12.5... so, SORRY!!!

2.) THE FIRST ANNUAL MGS FAN-FIC AWARDS ON SEPTEMBER 21st! Believe it. There IS one!!!

For more details go to:

What are ya' waiting for?

Oh, yeah... you're visiting the forum AFTER my story...

Heh-heh... moving on...

3.) MY NEW FORUM IS UP!!!

Yes, people, my forum is back online. So, if you wanna go, just go to

4.) INTRODUCING OUR GUESTS OF THE DAY! Well, if ya' got short-term memory like me, then here's what this is for. Back in Chapter 12, I selected three people to appear in this chapter! YAY! So, now, their introductions!

[a stage appears as an audience claps]

JOSH: [grabs a microphone] Okay. Our first guest is a good friend of mine. He's a fellow author who's written works like Behind The Game: MGS and YamiBallZ. From Melbourne, Australia... [uses announcer voice] SHADE WOLF!

[the audience cheers as he walks on stage]

SIMON: Ladies, please! There's enough Simon for all of you.

JOSH: Good to see you here, man. Now, you got something to say to the readers, don't ya'?

SIMON: Rick James, bitch!

JOSH: ...okay... Well, what about the new forum?

SIMON: New forum? Zwah?

JOSH: Thanks. We'll see you in a bit.

SIMON: Yeah, you'll see me in your wet dreams.[leaves]

JOSH: Guest #2 is another author. You might have heard of his story, ECLIPSE Team. A Tom Clancy fan and an expert in weapons... [announcer voice] PABLOSKY!

[the audience cheers as he walks in stage]

PABLO: Hey! I was promised there'd be pancakes! WHERE ARE MY PANCAKES!

JOSH: Nice to see ya, man. So, anything you'd like to say?

PABLO: Well, my dear Josh, I'd be glad to inform that I'll be joining the South-Americans-For-The-NRA organization. And as for the forums, I hope they are de-infecting that rat hole.

JOSH: Okay. We'll see ya in a bit!

PABLO: Yeah, yeah, you'll be missing me. [leaves]

JOSH: Our final guest is the guy who gave me the most reviews up to Chapter 12. Give it up for... [announcer voice] RIAK KARASAWA!

[the audience cheers as he walks on stage]

RIAK: Yo. I like cheese.

JOSH: Great to see you. Anything you wanna say?

RIAK: FILIPINO POWER!!!

JOSH: Okay. See ya'!

RIAK: See ya man. [leaves]

JOSH: Well, there they are!

[audience cheers]

(A/N: Yes, those are THEIR lines. See what happens when you appreciate my story?

That's all the pre-story announcements! Let's go to the story! Or, the feature presentation!

[everybody parties]

JOSH: Wait... there's a party? And I wasn't invited? sniff

SNAKE: Dear God, not again!

WOLF: Let me do this. [grabs a Beretta]

JOSH: sniff Okay. Let's do this!

THE FOLLOWING PRESENTATION IS RATED:

"R"

(Rhetorically Rated for Insane Purposes)

[EV] = Extreme Violence

[AL] = Adult Language

[AC] = Adult Content

[IH] = Insane Humor

[PC] = Pure Comedy

[PR] = Pointless Ranting

[OI] = Obvious Insanity

[PT] = Plot Twists

[US] = Unexpected Surprises

[CJ] = Cheap Jokes

[OS] = Obvious Stalling

[GR] = Gag Repeats

[FP] = Feature Presentation

[TG] = Thank God!

DISCLAIMER:

Grr... looks like Mr. Kojima won't give up the rights to Metal Gear. Maybe I should try the "Bad Guy Treats Hostage Like Royalty" tactic... by offering him a drink... [starts making a Molotov Cocktail]

Anyway, yeah, I don't own Metal Gear. Or anything involving the Austin Powers movies. Or cheese. Or whatever.

STORY STUFF:

[action]

sound

(A/N:)

[translation]

(thought)

= Codec Call Begins/Ends

Chapter XIII:

The World Domination Plan With Television

(otherwise known as "The Seven-Month-Long Chapter That Basically Is a Cheap Movie Rip-off Thingy")

NARRATOR: On the last episode of How Metal Gear Solid Really Happened, there was peace all over Shadow Moses...

[cut to Ocelot, just standing there like an idiot]

OCELOT: [still groping over his loss at Monopoly] Grr... Wolf's gonna pay dearly... I now officially declare WAR!!!

[to the Narrator]

NARRATOR: There was tranquil silence...

[cut back to Ocelot]

OCELOT: YAAH!!! [charges forward to... nowhere]

[Narrator...]

NARRATOR: [bluntly] ...and then... ...there was Revolver Ocelot.

[just guess]

OCELOT: Damn straight!

I felt like doing that. Heh.

Well, anyway, we'll actually continue with this story.
Right now, I'll put this in Snake's POV (Point Of View).
Which is kinda useless, considering the fact that's Snake is still somewhat unconscious.
So, that's... bad. Yeah. Bad.

[cut to a dark, eerie, black nothing...]

???#1 (VO): yawn

[now insert some cool echo-y echo with the voices... an example... dammit, just think of the game!!! Got an idea?]

???#2 (VO): Is he alive?

???#1 (VO): He was when Olga brought him in.

???#2 (VO): Well... wait... who's Olga?

???#1 (VO): Um... [sounds of rustling paper] ...dammit. I got the wrong script.

???#2 (VO): Oh.

(A/N: Go ahead. Figure out who the fuck they are. I'm not telling you. Hell if I know who they are...

???#1 (VO): I've checked everything, but there's nothing on this guy. NSA,CIA, FBI... ...Hollywood, TechTV, Playboy... He's a non-existent operative... ...from a non-existent organization.

(A/N: Jesus Christ... they're using the MGS2 script! Idiots!

???#2 (VO): I suspected as much. However, I know this guy...

???#3 (VO): You do? Wow... I'm shocked.

???#2 (VO): What do you bloody mean?

???#2 (VO): Well... ...um... ...I thought that... ...um... ...since you and him are related... - genetically speaking – ...you'd have... ...um... short-term memory?

???#4 (VO): What? No, he... ...oh... I'm the one with the short-term memory. You know... I think Liquid was on the forum for too long... must've gotten to him...

???#1 (VO): Oh, really?

???#4 (VO): ...yeah. In fact, once, Liquid knocked me out and proceeded to harass us all by typing in nothing but the words "Got any grapes?" He had too much time to rant.

???#3 (VO): ...yeah... ...and I think I had some lines... ...and had some "fun" as well... ...eheheh...

???#4 (VO): Yeah.

???#6 (VO): ...um... ...did I miss anything?

???#3 (VO): Uh... check the forum.

SNAKE: (For the love of God... I'm surrounded by moronic, future world dominators who'll start with that damn forum that Josh D. Blanco always goes to... ...why me?)

???#5 (VO): Uh, guys, why am I here?

???#4 (VO): Um... you got a cameo appearance in this story?

???#5 (VO): Oh, right. I guess I forgot over the PAST SEVEN MONTHS.

???#1 (VO): I like T.V.

???#6 (VO): ...nice.

???#2 (VO): So, #5, why are you here?

???#5 (VO): Dude, we all know I'm Simon. Why the hell am I being called #5?

???#2 (VO): It keeps the suspense up, you chap! Capiche?

???#5 (VO): Never try and speak like a British gent again, or I will cut you. Moving on, heard about the new fic I'm working on with Josh? The Psycho Mantis Show?

???#6 (VO): GASP!!!

???#2 (VO): WHAT! How DARE he steal my plans for world domination! I - ! ...what's it about?

???#3 (VO): Remember that one time you called Mantis and found him hosting an advice hotline, Liquid?

???#2 (VO): Yeah... well, what about it?

???#4 (VO): Well, with a few serious-yet-threatening résumés and a one million dollar budget fund from yours truly, he's gone on and made his own TV show.

???#2 (VO): GRR... MANTIS!!!

???#6 (VO): What? (Thanks a lot, Simon.)

???#2 (VO): Guess what? YOU ARE FIRED!!!

MANTIS (VO): sniff I'm... ...what? sniff

???#2 (VO): You're not working for me anymore, you cheap, bloody psycho-bastard!

MANTIS (VO): sniff ...you know what? sniff You can't fire me! sniff I QUIT!!! sniff

slam

[silence]

door creaking open

MANTIS (VO): And it's gonna be a LOT better that your TV shows, Liquid! You'll see!!!

slam

???#2 (VO): Bah... I never liked the guy anyway.

???#1 (VO): Back to business, Boss... [deeply inhales] ...what do we do about... ...him?

???#2 (VO): We'll... ...um... ...use him... ...like you suggested. How is everything over there?

???#1 (VO): At last report, all is well with Metal Gear. However, we've lost about a hundred or so Genomes so far, though... ...yeah.

???#3 (VO): Like how?

???#2 (VO): By that pathetic excuse for a genetic brother! You know, I was going to give each Genome here a nice, crisp, green, 2004-edition $20 U.S. Bill!

[silence]

[the PA system is heard being turned on]

???#1 (VO): ...you mean... ...THAT giant pile of nice, green, crisp, 2004-edition $20 bills that's gonna be incinerated and ultimately become non-existent due to the fact that there's about a dozen boxes worth of live Semtex explosives all around the money AND the obviously ingenious infrared laser trap that surrounds the paychecks of any survivors?

ALL SURVIVING GENOMES: NOO!!!

???#2 (VO): Shut up.

SNAKE: (Sucks to be a Genome.)

???#3 (VO): [hissing silently] Otacon! What are you doing calling me right now? ...no... ...NO... ...it is NOT that time of the month for me! I told you... I'm not going to the Otaku... oh... it's a restaurant... ...whoops. Sorry... I didn't mean... um... okay... So... you're picking me up at seven? ...okay. Love ya'. Bye.

???#2 (VO): Wolfy, who was that?

WOLF (VO): Nobody.

???#2 (VO): ...sure...

???#1: Um, why are you here again?

???#5 (VO): Because you're a dork.

???#1 (VO): Oh. But why are you wasting time here? You only got 37 guys and gals on that forum!

???#5 (VO): Again, you're a dork.

???#1 (VO): Ah.

[some computer-thing beeps]

???#1 (VO): Boss... it looks like our friend is awake.

???#2 (VO): Excellent. ...what friend?

WOLF (VO): Y'know... that girl I shot.

???#2 (VO): Okay. Well, wake Snake up.

SNAKE: (Oh, shit! Um... well... maybe I should pretend I'm still unconscious... yeah...)

[the black screen fades, but remember, for the sake of suspense and hilarity, we're still in Snake's POV for now. Wait, wouldn't it still be black, then?]

???#1 (VO): Um... Boss... looks like he's asleep.

???#2 (VO): I can see, that, Ocelot.

SNAKE: snore

OCELOT (VO): ...he's snoring, Boss.

???#2 (VO): Yes, I can HEAR that, Ocelot.

???#4 (VO): Aren't you gonna wake him up?

???#2 (VO): Of course I am, Josh! What the hell are you, some stuck-up Asian dumb-ass??? (...whoops...)

ALL: GASP!!!

???#2 (VO): (Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit...)

[cars crash & tires screech as everyone gasps]

JOSH (VO): ...m-my... sniff

WOLF (VO): You've gone too far, Liquid. Too far. Sure, I could understand the Genomes, the brainwashing, and the insane plan to hijack Rex, but insulting the author of this surprisingly successful and hilarious story? I'm shocked... [to Josh] ...hey... ...Josh... ...you okay?

JOSH (VO): sniff ...h-h-he insulted... sniff ...m-m-my Asian... sniff ...my Asian heritage... sniffle-sniff WAAH! [cries]

???#2 (VO): Look, Josh, I didn't mean for that to come out.

JOSH (VO): sniff Uh-huh. sniff Like you know anything about us Asians, you fucking tea-drinking British pansy!

SNAKE: (...ooh... that's gotta hurt...)

WOLF (VO): You know, Liquid... there are two things that I can't stand in this world.

LIQUID (VO): Like what?

WOLF (VO): People who can't stand other people's cultures...

LIQUID (VO): HA! You call that an insult? Geez, you suck. You need some sort of long, deep, serious, semi-complex, and professional-sounding insult. [insert British patriotic music] There is no combination of letters, words, symbols, numbers, or gestures that can get through ME! [goes into a patriotic stance] Can't beat that, huh, bitch? Can ya'?

WOLF (VO): [bluntly] ...and the British.

[the music abruptly stops, causing Snake to open his eyes, which means that we're out of his POV, which means no VO's]

LIQUID: ...grr... [briskly walks up to Wolf] I hope you rot in bloody hell forever, you bloody bitch!

SLAP!!!

ALL: GASP!!!

SNAKE: ...he... ...he slapped Playboy's Miss July!

OCELOT: Yeah! [grabs his Colt SAA] You're gonna get it, Liquid! Right after I – wait. Snake, did you say that Wolf was Miss July? I thought she was Miss October!

SNAKE: No... she's Miss July.

WOLF: sniff

SNAKE: I'm telling you, Ocelot – Wolf is Miss July! If I wasn't strapped down in this... ...this... ...um...

OCELOT: sigh ...torture bed...

SNAKE: ...torture bed, I'd beat your sorry ass to a pulp!

OCELOT: Wolf's Miss October! Don't make me shoot you!

SNAKE: I'd love to see you try, cowboy. And for the last damn time... Wolf is Miss July!

OCELOT: NO! Miss October!

WOLF: sniff-sniff

SNAKE: Miss July.

OCELOT: Miss October.

SNAKE: Miss July!

OCELOT: Miss October!

SNAKE: MISS JULY!!!

OCELOT: MISS OCTOBER!!!

THE OTHERS: [animé sweatdrop]

SNAKE: July.

OCELOT: October.

SNAKE: July!

OCELOT: October!

SNAKE: JULY!!!

OCELOT: OCTOBER!!!

[One Hour and Several Trillion Animé Sweat Drops Later...]

[the room is now half-flooded with animé sweat drops while Snake and Ocelot continue to argue...]

SNAKE: There are SEVEN scoops in every box of ice cream!

OCELOT: No... there are EIGHT!!!

WOLF: sniffly-sniff-sniff

JOSH: [slaps his head]

SNAKE: ...jelly-filled donuts are the best!

OCELOT: NO! GLAZED!!!

WOLF: sniffle-sniff-sniffly-sniff

SNAKE: Well, DVD's are better!

OCELOT: VCR tapes!

WOLF: sniff [grabs her PSG1]

SNAKE: Tom Clancy's the number one author!

OCELOT: No – Dr. Seuss!

SNAKE: Well then, explain how Rainbow Six became a hit game series or how his book The Sum of All Fears became a movie!

OCELOT: How about The Cat In The Hat or How the Grinch Stole Christmas?

WOLF: sniff SHUT UP!!! [fires her PSG1 at the ceiling, causing a chunk of the roof to crack off and fall on Josh]

JOSH: OW!

WOLF: Sorry. [now faces Snake and Ocelot. Now picture her with teary eyes and a look that could either melt your heart, or kill you. Probably both, so...] Well, here I am standing here, with my pride and joy diminished by that fucking British pansy over there... [points at Liquid] ...while you two bakas are just arguing over the most irrational things! sniff Why? Huh? [looks at her script again, and realizes that she said the f-word...] Aw, shit.

[Mantis walks back in]

MANTIS: Normally, I'd beat the living shit out of you, but since you're in extreme emotional pain, I'll let it slide.

WOLF: sniff ...thank you...

MANTIS: No problem. [leaves]

WOLF: ...I need a soda. [grabs a Coke can]

SNAKE: She's my type of girl, all right. Hot, beautiful, sexy, drinks Coca-Cola-

OCELOT: COKE? Hah! Pepsi's a LOT better!

SNAKE: WHAT!? Take that back, you son-of-a-

JOSH: Hey, Snake. Calm down, man...

SIMON: What's wrong this time, Snakester?

SNAKE: Ocelot insulted Coca-Cola!

OCELOT: Shut up! [kicks Snake in the balls]

SNAKE: OW!!!

JOSH: Ooh!

SIMON: Nice, right in the bojangles.

WOLF: That's gonna leave a mark...

OCELOT: That's for saying that Wolf is Miss July!

SNAKE: [voice is higher pitched] Cause she is!!!

WOLF: [fires another round] See!? Because of you two blabbering idiots, my stress level has gone through the fucking roof!!!

LIQUID: ...or it could be a very bad case of PMS...

WOLF: Why you-! [rifle butts Liquid]

LIQUID: ...ooh!

OCELOT: ...a VERY BAD case of PMS...

WOLF: Shut the hell up! [slaps Ocelot]

SNAKE: ...a –

WOLF: [grabs Snake's SOCOM and aims it at him] Don't even.

SNAKE: [whimper] Shutting up.

WOLF: [throws SOCOM in the back] Oh... ...and by the way... ...I'm actually Miss August.

[record scratches]

OCELOT: ...n-n-not Miss October...?

SNAKE: ...b-b-but Miss August?

WOLF: Yeah.

OCELOT: [suddenly drops to his knees] WHY!?!?!? WHY, GOD??? WHY WAS I WRONG ABOUT WOLF!?!?!?

WOLF: [slaps Ocelot again] Just shut up. Look, I'm Miss August, okay? Now, the reason this happened was because Josh paid me a hefty sum of freebies.

SIMON: Freebies, eh? I take it these were supplied from a Mister Bribe.

JOSH: No. I just simply made a deal... ...with free stuff.

SIMON: It's called bribing, Louise.

JOSH: ...I guess it is.

OCELOT: So... what did you get?

WOLF: Well, I got... $10 Million U.S. Dollars – 2.5 in British Pounds, a fourth in Philippine Pesos, another quarter in Australian Dollars, and the rest in Argentinean Pesos.

SNAKE: What else?

WOLF: ...annual First-Class vacations to Manila, Bora Bora, Melbourne, Buenos Aires, Liverpool, Camarillo, and Tokyo... ...an 8-year scholarship to West Point-

LIQUID: [jaw drops] West Point? You mean... the U.S. military's West Point Academy??? You got accepted there!?!?!?

SNAKE: Geez... it took me forever just to even look inside!!!

WOLF: Cool, huh? Also, I got a sleek Dodge Viper SRT-10. I even got parts for street racing!

SNAKE: Transmission?

WOLF: Manual.

SNAKE: Zero-to-sixty - MPH?

WOLF: One-point-five.

OCELOT: [whistles]

SNAKE: Max speed?

WOLF: ...um... ...I got it to 204.5 mph once.

SNAKE: Sweet.

SIMON: Wolf, I once danced naked for a team of South African Mah Jong players, and I didn't get that much stuff. What the hell did you do?

WOLF: Um... well... a Playboy photo shoot... ...a couple of "performances" – one of them being in my birthday party... heh... - a special edition Playboy DVD –

SNAKE: DVD? Oh, God...

[John Clark & Domingo Chavez from Rainbow Six burst through the ceiling, wielding M4A1SD's]

CHAVEZ: What's up, Snake?

CLARK: You say something about a DVD?

SNAKE: Yeah, Clark. Josh was just-

CLARK: All I need to hear. [grabs Josh by the throat, slams him to the wall, uses his free hand to grab Josh's USP9SD and point it to Josh's temple] Where is it?

CHAVEZ: Um... Mr. C? This goes against standard protocol!

CLARK: So?

(A/N: Go on the forum. Find out what's wrong with Clark here. Cause I ain't giving it to you, ya leech!!!

JOSH: Um... gasp

[Pablosky drops down from the ceiling]

PABLO: Heya, everyone. Sorry if I'm late, I had this argument with Greenpeace members.

SIMON: Nah, you're not late. Clark just kinda manhandled Josh.

PABLO: What are those whackos doing here? I thought they were dealing with Communist guerillas in Southeast Asia!

SIMON: Because you're a dirty whale.

WOLF: Damn... this is confusing... [grabs a PSG1-T]

CLARK: [angrily] Where's the DVD?

JOSH: [panicking] What DVD?

CLARK: [slams Josh's head into the wall] Answer me!!!

Picture this. A man in his sixties-

CLARK: Fifties!!!

...fifties... ...holding a 14-year-old Filipino teen against the wall, by his neck. Everyone is watching this event. Yeah.

JOSH: [weakly] Like hell I will...

CLARK: [slams Josh's head in the wall again] Just answer the goddamn question, Josh!!!

JOSH: [weakly] Go to hell...

CLARK: [slams Josh's head in the wall... ...yet again... ...I'm gonna get short-term memory because of this!!! Oh... wait... I already have short-term... ...I think...] ANSWER ME, DAMMIT!!!

JOSH: [even weaker] ...who... ...the fuck... ...cares...?

PABLO: AHEM!!!

CLARK: GASP!!! [drops Josh and the USP9SD, turns around, and salutes Pablosky] Um... hi, Sir!!!

PABLO: [salutes back] Rainbow Six... What are exactly are you doing with him? The media's up my butt with these "Interrogations".

CLARK: Um... I was... interrogating him for... intel? [smiles]

SNAKE: Uh-huh...

PABLO: [insert animé sweat drop] But... but... what's wrong with you people?

CLARK: Um... ...uh... ...don't know, don't care. Well, we can interrogate – er... ask him later. Onto the mission!!!

CHAVEZ: ...on your off-day? Jeez... you've lost it.

CLARK: Back to Otacon's house for plundering!

[Clark & Chavez leave the room]

(A/N: What about Otacon's place, you ask? Go to the forum.

SNAKE: sigh It's hopeless.

OCELOT: Damn right you are, Snake.

LIQUID: Well... ...is there something I'm missing?

OCELOT: ...yeah?

CLARK: [opens the door and pops his head in] You sure?

PABLO: Why are you forcing me to see your face? Go away, Clark!

CLARK: Sheesh... [leaves]

LIQUID: ...right. Well, anyway...

JOSH: (...finally... ...we're back on track...)

SIMON: (...hmm, I wonder if Yoriko is wearing those penguin panties of hers...)

PABLO: ( Mmm... the Kurdish chick is kinda nice... maybe I should patch things up with the Dr. before...)

OCELOT: (...I like TV.)

LIQUID: [in a Dr. Evil-like voice] Here's the plan. We take the warhead... ...and we hold Snake hostage for... [insert suspenseful music] ...one million dollars!!!

[silence]

cricket chirp

JOSH: [sweat drops] (...then again... ...maybe not...)

WOLF: [sweat drops as well, dropping the PSG1-T] (...I was once in love with a psychotic idiot?)

OCELOT: light cough ...Boss?

LIQUID: ...okay... sigh ...it's stupid. So... let's use... ...that one alternate back-up plan... ...called, "Back-Up Plan."

PABLO: [stifled laugh] Amazing, Liquid. Are you are a "Friends" Screenwriter or something?

SIMON: That's the worst name I've ever heard, narrowly beating "A Place To Rant".

LIQUID: So? It's better that what you two could've made up!

SIMON: Operation: Unforgiven Darkness.

PABLO: Operation: Winter Twilight.

LIQUID: ...I guess those could work... ...but anyway... ...let me introduce you to my evil business syndicate... [points to the door...]

[everyone looks, but no one appears]

LIQUID: ...ahem! [yells loudly] LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO MY EVIL BUISNESS SYNDICATE!!!

[still... nobody appears...]

SNAKE: ...um... where is-

LIQUID: Shut up, Snake. [looks at watch] Why the hell is he late? He'd better have a good reason... [grabs a FAMAS-G2 and opens the door] What the-!

[we now see Dr. Evil, from the "Austin Powers" series, gagged and hog-tied]

LIQUID: [looks around, seeing blood and guts everywhere] What the bloody hell happened? [removes gag]

DR. EVIL: gasp Well... I was walking from the elevator to this room, okay? So, the door opens and two guys rushed out with rifles and started to blow the shit outta the Genome guards. I only survived because the organs and bodily fluids of... ...of... [picks up a nametag] ...of Genome #112 here formed a somewhat protective cocoon, shielding me from the blasts. Later on when they made sure that everyone was dead, they found me, and since they ran outta bullets, the rifle-butted me and... gasp ...that's why I'm here.

LIQUID: ...I got lost after the "walking" part...

PABLO: I'm sick of this! Here comes the pain, you US Goverment whackos! [grabs a Beretta and a G36K, and leaves]

SNAKE: ...wasn't I supposed to get tortured?

OCELOT: Dunno. I'm just gonna guess that Pablo's execution plan was "Plan B".

LIQUID: ...yeah...

[we hear agonizing screams of pain and terror]

OCELOT: ...ouch...

WOLF: That can't be good.

[the door opens as Pablo's body flies in, crashing on the wall]

LIQUID: OH!

SNAKE: sniff Pablo... you were a good friend. [bows his head] Especially on the forum. Godspeed.

WOLF: [walks over to Pablo, kneels over, and checks for a pulse] Um, Snake? He's still alive.

SNAKE: I know. But the last time I heard that phrase was in Men in Black 2, so I wanted to hear it again.

JOSH: ...somebody kill me...

SIMON: [grabs a Dotanuki] You rang?

JOSH: Yes – I mean – No.

LIQUID: ...uh-huh... anyway, "Plan C" will be based on a plan that was used by Dr. Evil here. Um... tell 'em.

DR. EVIL: Okay. Now, here's the plan. I have designed a superbly new, deadly weapon. I call it... [raises his hands to do his infamous "quote thing"] ...a "LASER".

SNAKE: (Damn... Liquid must've been really desperate...)

OCELOT: [is pretty enthusiastic] OOH! Tell me, Dr. Evil! What IS this "LASER" of which you speak of? [...scratch that... ...very enthusiastic...]

JOSH: (Dear God... ...and I thought that I was the only person that never got out of the house...)

DR. EVIL: It stands for "Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation."

OCELOT: COOL!!!

JOSH: groan

[Scott, Frau, and No. 2 walk in]

DR. EVIL: Continuing from where I left off... ...now, I am going to launch myself to the moon, along with my ["quote thing"] "LASER". Once on the moon, I shall construct a moon base with my laser as my primary weapon! I shall dub my moon base: the ["quote"] "Death Star".

SCOTT: laugh

DR. EVIL: What, Scott? What's so funny?

SCOTT: Oh, nothing, "Darth." chuckles

DR. EVIL: What did you call me?

SCOTT: [regains composure] Oh, nothing.

DR. EVIL: Oh.

SCOTT: ["sneezes"] Rip-off!

DR. EVIL: ...bless you. Anyway, can "Plan C" work?

NO. 2: Um... ...no. These guys don't have a rocket.

DR. EVIL: Oh?

NO. 2: Yeah. They don't.

LIQUID: Okay... "Plan D" should work. Dr. Evil?

DR. EVIL: As you know, the royal family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the royal family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it seem that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage, and THEREFORE... ...would have to divorce!

NO. 2: ahem Prince Charles DID have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced.

DR. EVIL: Right. Okay people, you have to tell me these things, alright? I've been frozen for 30 years, okay?

LIQUID: [nervously] ...um... ...let's hear... ...uh... ..."Plan E"?

DR. EVIL: Yeah. [insert slowly growing suspense music] Well, back in the 60's, I developed a weather-changing machine which was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam which we called, a ["quote"] "LASER." Using these... ["quote"] "LASERS", we'd punch a hole in the protective layer around the world, which we called the ["quote"] "Ozone Layer." Slowly, but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is, unless... ...the world pays us... ...a hefty ransom?

NO. 2: ahem That also already has happened.

DR. EVIL: Shit. Um, what about "Plan F"?

NO. 2: Sorry... ...but... [whispers in Dr. Evil's ear]

DR. EVIL: What?

LIQUID: ...what's the plan?

OCELOT: [excitedly] Does it involve lasers?

WOLF: Is it "Wolf-Dog Friendly?"

JOSH: (...somebody help me...)

DR. EVIL: SHUT UP!

[everyone shuts up]

DR. EVIL: Y'know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with fricking laser beams attached to their heads! Now, evidently, my cycloptic colleague here informs me that can't be done. Honestly, throw me a bone here. What do we have?

[silence]

[silent silence]

[revered silent silence]

[completely revered silent silence]

[100% completely revered silent silence]

[purely 100% completely revered silent silence]

SNAKE: WILL YOU STOP THAT, JOSH!?!?!?

JOSH: What?

SNAKE: The "silence" thingy!

JOSH: Doesn't it give you déjà vu?

SNAKE: Yeah. I saw something like this in Chapter 4!

DR. EVIL: AHEM!!! ...what do we have?

[silence]

[silent silence]

[revered silent silence]

[completely revered silent silence]

[100% completely revered silent silence]

[purely 100% completely revered silent silence]

[super purely 100% completely revered silent silence]

[more super purely 100% completely revered silent silence]

[even more super purely 100% completely revered silent silence]

SNAKE: JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, JOSH!!!

[everyone GASPS!!!]

LIQUID: [notices that Dr. Evil is standing in front of the door] Dr. Evil? Back away from the door. NOW.

DR. EVIL: Oh? What for?

LIQUID: Just back away, you bloody ingrate!

DR. EVIL: I ain't taking no fricking orders from you, you frickcin' British pansy!

LIQUID: [putting on Lv.3 Kevlar gear] ...suit yourself.

Without warning, the door is rammed down, smashing Dr. Evil on the floor. We see Mantis, who is cackling and laughing like an evil maniac –

MANTIS: YAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

- wielding an M16A2/M203 and an MP5KA4SD-PDW. On him is an array of weapons, items, and gadgets, including a duo of M67 fragmentation grenades, three M141 Flash Bangs, an M18A1 Claymore directional land mine, a USP9 and a Makarov, a pair of switchblade knives, Level III Kevlar armor, five pounds of C4, a pack of Chicken Cavatelli rations, a laser rangefinder, a C4 detonator, a duffel bag full of spare ammo, and a pack of Yu-Gi-Oh Duel Monsters Cards. Whoa... the first time I narrated... ...I LIKE it!!!

(A/N: Remember, Mantis doesn't allow anyone else besides me to use the "f-word," so... ...yeah.

MANTIS: Die, Snake!!! [proceeds to use every single weapon and explosive item on Snake, except the cards]

WOLF: sniff ...sayonara, Snake... sniff

JOSH: Where the hell did you get all that???

MANTIS: [stops firing] Um... ...I snuck into your personal armory last night and jacked all this... ...except the cards.

JOSH: Oh. Just give me the MP5KA4SD-PDW.

MANTIS: [surprised] ...that's all you want?

JOSH: Well, yeah, that's all I want. Unless you got a "Dark Ruler Ha Des" with you in those cards right now.

MANTIS: Hehehe... ...no. Anyway, aren't you even mad about me breaking into your top-secret personal armory?

JOSH: Nah. You're one of my friends. Besides, there's enough in there to start a zillion-person military force.

MANTIS: Oh. [hands over the MP5KA4SD-PDW]

SNAKE: cough-cough My ears are still ringing!!!

LIQUID: WHAT!?!?!? He's still ALIVE!?!?!?

MANTIS: [scoffs] Yeah... ...he's TALKING...

SNAKE: ...um... ...how'd I survive?

MANTIS: I used blanks. [smiles, but since he always wears that frigging gas mask, who the hell cares?]

LIQUID: [faints]

WOLF: Wow... ...he sucks.

[muffled, incoherent sounds are heard from under the door]

MANITS: You hear something?

JOSH: ...no.

MANTIS: Oh. Must be me. [grabs his gear and leaves]

[more muffled sounds are heard from beneath the door]

SCOTT: Can't hear you, Dad.

DR. EVIL: [more incoherent sounds]

NO. 2: What?

DR. EVIL: ...mmmfh... ...duf... ...dooorrhr...!

FRAU: MOVE THE DOOR!!!

[Wolf and Josh proceed to lift the door off of Dr. Evil]

SNAKE: Remember, guys: lift with your legs, not with your back. No, Wolf, your legs... ...no, no, NO! Lift with – hold it, Wolf. Go back to that position... ...yeah. Good. Now gentlemen [referring to Liquid and Ocelot], this is why you don't lift with your back. Look at Josh. He's lifting with his legs. It'll keep his back alive. Now, Wolf... chuckle

WOLF: [starting to blush] W-what?

LIQUID: [regains consciousness]

SNAKE: Well... [clears throat] ...notice that Wolf's CHEST AREA is extremely CURVED... ...if you catch my drift... ...eheheh...

LIQUID: [evil grin]

OCELOT: snicker

WOLF: [blushes even more] What's so funny?

SNAKE: ...and a curved back will BUST if it is heavily stressed. Also, it's good to have a nice, FIRM grip when carrying an object... ...or objects... ...especially something that is SOFT... ...like... ...um... ...MELONS...

LIQUID: Eheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh...

WOLF: [is now completely red from blushing] What is so damn funny, you guys? Tell me!!!

JOSH: Um... [walks up to Wolf and whispers in her ear] ...um, for starters, they were secretly chatting about your –

slap

WOLF: Pervert!

JOSH: [rubbing his jaw] Look, Wolf... I'm saying that –

WOLF: [is about to slap Josh again-]

JOSH: [holds hand up] Wolf, wait! Just look at your script.

WOLF: grumble [grabs her script]

JOSH: Now, look here. We're in this area – Scene 174, Part 853. See how we're arguing here in this part of the script?

Lo and behold, this line appears in the script. Wait... ...if this is the script, and I'm reading the script of the script, then that means that I'm in a double-helix script, which means that I am both natural-occurring and artificial, meaning I'm half-real, signifying that I have a half-life, which is partly-real, making me... ...FAKE!?!?!? Wait... no, I'm inside one of the many Pandora's Boxes inside this story, which means that I'm self-contradicting my contradictious self, which means that... ...ah, screw it all.

JOSH: ...um... ...where were we?

WOLF: ...uh-huh...

JOSH: ...um, sorry. Now... [referring to the script] look up about a dozen lines. See how the lines that Snake said don't appear in the script at all?

WOLF: Yeah. But maybe they were looking out for my health!

JOSH: OR... ...maybe they altered their scripts so...

WOLF: [finally sees the point] YOU HENTAIS!!! [kicks the perverted trio in the balls]

THE THREE: [insert groans and agonizing pain]

SIMON: Nice work there, Wolfy, though I think you might have gone a little too far.

WOLF: Hey, Simon, they deserved it. [she and Josh go back to lifting the door off Dr. Evil, who gets out]

LIQUID: [groaning in agony] Well... Plans A – G didn't work, so I guess we'll have to...

DR. EVIL: ...tell you about... [tense music] "Preparation H!"

SNAKE: Um, Josh... ...why does this sound like a movie spoof?

JOSH: I have no fucking clue. All I know is everyone loves the random humor in here, so... [kicks Snake in the balls once more] ...yeah.

LIQUID: Can we please get back to getting this completed?

JOSH: Yeah... ...I don't pay you people to do nothing!

OCELOT: You do pay us. See, there was this one time...

FLASHBACK

JOSH: Okay. Now, for each of you to earn your first paychecks, I want you all to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Okay?

ALL: Okay! [sit down and do nothing]

END FLASHBACK

OCELOT: See?

JOSH: [bluntly] Sure. So Liquid, aren't you gonna reveal how your world domination plan goes-

LIQUID: You said it wrong, you bloody idiot! It's "A Real Perfect Diabolical Scheme for World Domination and Mass Global Chaos!" ...anyway... ..."A Real Perfect Diabolical Scheme for World Domination and Mass Global Chaos" will involve "Preparation H" and other things.

SCOTT: ...so you're using ass-cream to take the world?

LIQUID: Yes – I mean – No! (What the fuck!?!?!?)

SNAKE: ...heh... ..."ass-cream"...

LIQUID: I am NOT using ass-cream!

SCOTT: Dude, take a break, man. Chill. Cool down. Eat something cold, like ice cubes... ...or a popsicle...

SNAKE: Or chocolate "ass-cream"! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

SCOTT: [joins in] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

LIQUID: Shut up, you bloody assholes!!!

[Snake & Scott shut up]

LIQUID: Anyway, my "real Perfect Diabolical Scheme for World Domination and Mass Global Chaos" is the best plan for a world of hell. The plan is really simple. All we have to do is humiliate the legendary Solid Snake!!!

[cricket chirps]

SNAKE: That's it? You're just gonna humiliate me in the known world on public television?

LIQUID: ...yeah.

SIMON: Liquid, I've heard better plans from a retarded 5-year-old with genital herpes.

PABLO: [regains consciousness] The... Holy Grail... is... in... what happened?

SIMON: Meh, a whole bunch of nonsense. Turned out that you were my father.

PABLO: You fool! I'd never had sex with a woman that could spawn that.

LIQUID: Um... ...Simon, can I please continue with the story?

SIMON: How about no, Dicksy McSucksalot?

LIQUID: Well, that just sucks.

SIMON: [laughs]

PABLO: [joins the laughter]

SNAKE: [joins in as well]

MANTIS: [walks back in and joins the laughter]

DR. EVIL: [joins in as well]

SCOTT: [joins in]

OCELOT: [...I think it's becoming apparent...]

FRAU: [...you got the idea yet?]

NO. 2: [do I really have to explain?]

WOLF: [...sigh... ...I don't even have to explain...?]

JOSH: [...ugh...]

LIQUID: (...urge... ...to kill... ...rising... ...must... ...not... ...snap...)

[One Hour Later]

[everyone is still laughing]

LIQUID: [snaps] YAAH!!! [grabs Mantis' M16A2/M203 and proceeds to shoot the shit outta everyone] HAHAHA!!! DIE!!!

ALL: AAH!!! [panic]

LIQUID: [reloads] PREPARE TO MEET YOUR CREATOR!!!

ALL: AAH!!! [run away]

SNAKE: Uh, hey!!! [is obviously still strapped on the torture bed] This is not cool, Liquid! Get me outta here NOW! [tries to break free] LEMME GO!!!

LIQUID: [turns to face Snake] Let you go, my dear brother? scoff My, my... [throws away the M16] ...and I thought that Josh complains too much. So, you want to be free from that torture bed? Well... ...how 'bout NO!?!?!?

SNAKE: [gulps] ...okay?

LIQUID: Sorry. Can't hear you.

SNAKE: [gulps louder] ...okay...

LIQUID: [singsong] ...I can't hear you...

SNAKE: ...o-kay...

LIQUID: [singsong] Still can't hear you...

SNAKE: [singsong] ...okay...

LIQUID: [singsong] I still can't hear-

SNAKE: I SAID OKAY, DAMMIT!!!

LIQUID: [whimpers]

SNAKE: Okay... ...good. Now, what is this diabolical plot of yours again? My ears are still ringing a bit.

LIQUID: Why can't anybody get the name right!?!?!?

JOSH: [walk back in] Just tell him your "Real Perfect Diabolical Scheme for World Domination and Mass Global Chaos" already! I'm on a time constraint here!!!

LIQUID: What the bloody hell for?

JOSH: 'Cause I got grounded!

SNAKE: [is shocked] What? ...but...

[Wolf walks back in]

WOLF: [shocked as well] ...how did this happen?

JOSH: sniff ...I failed... ...my Health Final at school... sob [sinks to the floor as dramatically sad music plays]

(A/N: Remember, people, this was around... ...um, early March when I wrote this part. I kinda wanted to explain what the hell was going on, so... ...yeah...

WOLF: [kneels down to console Josh] Hey, Josh... ...I... sigh ...I'm sorry... ...it'll be better for you to let it out. So...

JOSH: sniff ...well, for starters... ...I have a somewhat arrogant and cocky personality... ...one that involves extreme hatred, a lot of distrust, and a tough emotionless shell...

[Simon, Mantis, & Pablo walk back in]

PABLO: Well... That explains an awful lot... Your lack of sex life, for instance. Can't really blame you, but ever thought of getting rid of your personality?

JOSH: Yeah... ...but that's not what I'm talking about.

SNAKE: Yeah. We're talking about how Josh got grounded.

JOSH: ...I got grounded?

MANTIS: [angrily] You mean you don't fucking remember!?!?!?

WOLF: Shut up, Mantis! Can't you see that our beloved friend, the author is in extreme emotional pain?

JOSH: Wolf... ...forget it. Just... sniff ...just leave me alone...

WOLF: But...

SNAKE: Um... ...I don't mean to intrude or anything, but... ...why the hell is this turning into some third-rate drama?

JOSH: This story needed a little drama. sniffle

SIMON: I thought this was a comedy fic. What's with all this poorly written drama?

LIQUID: Good question, man.

JOSH: Well... sniff ...there's this one sprite comic... ..."the Adventures of Link & Friends"... ...it had drama!

LIQUID: [bluntly] It was just a mini-strip on one of their animated banners showing some guy sayin' "Nobody likes me..."

JOSH: So? sniff That's drama!

SIMON: I'm going to take this opportunity to tell you all that I, Simon Wolf, have written my own series of comics based on Metal Gear, the forums, and other junk. Remember, you can only see these comics at FFNetMG!

WOLF: Feeling better, Josh?

JOSH: ...a bit... sniff ...yeah...

LIQUID: So... ...I can continue?

JOSH: Sure... sniff

LIQUID: Okay... ahem from this... ...cabaret... ...well... grumble ... sigh ...bloody, stupid kid... grumble

JOSH: "Bloody, stupid kid"? sniffle

WOLF: Liquid! Stop that!

LIQUID: Stop what?

[Wolf gives him the "You Know What I'm Talking About" look]

LIQUID: OH. You mean... ...THIS... [looks at Josh] Dumbass.

JOSH: sniff WHAT!? cry

WOLF: YES, THAT!!!

LIQUID: Hmm... "yes..." ...do it... OKAY!!! [turns to Josh] LONER.

JOSH: sniff WAAH!!! sob

WOLF: Liquid! [does a drop kick on him, then does an elbow drop to his stomach, gets up, and kicks him in the balls]

LIQUID: OOH!!! OW!!!

PABLO: Whoah! The Argentinian Special Forces... I mean, High School doesn't teach that! Where did you learn?

WOLF: Oh... ...I took some Hapkido and Escrima a while back.

(A/N: Go, Wolf.

SNAKE: Um... ...you know... ...the author WROTE this chapter before he typed it. So, he's wasted about... ...hm... 44 pages in a composition book so far... ...or about 21 in MS Word... ...and Liquid has yet to reveal his stupid plan.

LIQUID: I did! And it's "A Real Perfect Diabolical Scheme for World Domination and Mass Global Chaos!"

SNAKE: Um... ...yeah. What he said.

JOSH: ...just go on... sniffle ...nobody likes me... cry

WOLF: Come on, Josh... ...I like you...

[insert disturbingly dead silence]

WOLF: ...not the "like" like.

SNAKE: Oh. [grins]

LIQUID: I see. [smiles]

OCELOT: Okay. [gives Wolf the thumbs-up]

WOLF: [blunt look] ...perverts.

AAH!!!

SNAKE: What the holy hell was that?

[Link from "The Legend of Zelda" series runs in]

OCELOT: Whaddya doing here?

LINK: I heard something about a Like-Like.

(A/N: For those of you who either haven't played a Zelda game before, have not played one in a while, or have had the extreme luck of not facing one in your entire LoZ gaming experience, a Like-Like is a gelatin-like monster. It primarily eats shields, but is rumored to have eaten other objects like tunics, bombs, and arrows. I've lost about 53 shields, 5 tunics, and 1,794 arrows. Heh, I suck.

SNAKE: Link, this place is nowhere near Hyrule. Or Holodrum or Labrynna. So... why would a Like-Like even be here? I mean... ...it's not like one's gonna walk in on a gold platter...

[John Clark walks back in, holding a giant Jell-O mold that is sitting on an elaborate gold platter...]

CLARK: Um... ...Pablo? I kinda feel sorry for knocking you unconscious, so I made you this Jell-O mold.

LINK: AAH!!! [points to the Jell-O] A Like-Like!

SIMON: Zwah?

PABLO: It's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me!

CLARK: What!? Link, this ain't a Like-Like!

LINK: Don't worry, "Elite-Special-Forces-Dude-Who-Must-Be-From-The-Future-Because-You're-Definitely-Not-From-Hyrule!" I'll save you! [unsheathes his Master Sword and slashes...]

SPLAT!!!

DR. EVIL: [now covered in Jell-O] ...what a fricking idiot.

JOSH: I know, man. It'll be worse when I start my How Ocarina of Time Rally Happened story. [takes off a piece of Jell-O] And this'll be Like-Like guts instead of plain Jell-O. [eats the piece] Mmm... ...lime.

LINK: [excited] COOL! You mean I'm gonna be in a fan-fic?

JOSH: Um, yeah... [nervously] ...after I beat the Water Temple...

SIMON: You're a fag, Josh.

LIQUID: [scoffs] What a loser.

PABLO: I can't be seen with the likes of you again.

LINK: Man, Josh, you suck. [looks around the room, seeing "Like-Like guts" all over] Well... [puts away Master Sword, dusts himself off] ...my job here's done. [leaves]

JOSH: Well... ...that was odd. Link, I mean.

LIQUID: Can I continue explaining what the hell my "Real Perfect Diabolical Scheme for World Domination and Mass Global Chaos" is already!?!?!?

JOSH: I don't know. Can you?

LIQUID: sigh ...MAY I continue?

JOSH: Duh... [mutters under his breath] ...fucking baka.

LIQUID: ...I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Anyway, the "Real Perfect Diabolical Scheme for World Domination and Mass Global Chaos" is easy to work with. All we do is...

[insert wavy vision as we warp into the future... ...several months from now... ...if Liquid's plan actually works...]

[cut to a live TV feed as TV newscast music plays]

SOLIDUS: [wearing a tux over his Snake-Arm Suit] Welcome back to "60-And-A-Half Seconds," the only TV news show with non-controversial events. I think. Anyway, we have another startling story for you. We all know of a hero or heroine in our life that acted as our role-model... sniff ...go, Dad... sniff ...and we have looked up to them at one point in our lives. But what happens when they screw up? What happens when they turn into... [shudders] ...an idiot?

[footage of Snake walking around Shadow Moses is shown]

SOLIDUS: That's the legendary Solid Snake, hero of Zanzibar and Outer Heaven. The man who makes the impossible possible. The guy who every soldier wants to be like.

[footage switches to Snake doing ballet in a Speedo]

PAID AUDIENCE: GASP!

SOLIDUS: ...yes... ...a shocker, isn't it?

[footage switches again to Snake doing the "Chicken Dance" in his house wearing only his boxers]

PAID AUDIENCE: GASP!

SOLIDUS: [grimly] ...and that's not even the worst of it...

[footage switches to Snake eating escargot watching Barney]

PAID AUDIENCE: GASPS AND SHRIEKS!!!

SOLIDUS: See? He is... [shudders] ...an idiot.

[footage switches to him strapped onto the torture bed]

SOLIDUS: As you can see, he's been locked away. I'm George Sears, and remember: if you don't vote for me next election, I'll kill ya. This was "60-And-A-Half Seconds." Good night. Or morning. Or afternoon. Or... ...oh, forget it.

[the wavy vision ends...]

SNAKE: ...whoa, whoa, whoa... all of THAT just happened now?

LIQUID: No. But it's gonna happen! (I hope...

SNAKE: So... that's it? Humiliate me and screw up my entire reputation so I look like... [cringes] ...an idiot?

WOLF: [contacts Josh via Codec]

WOLF: That plan's all you can think of?

JOSH: Gimme a break, Wolf. I was grounded, I'm facing a major writer's block, and I wrote all of this up at school whenever I was completely bored. Which was often. Heh.

WOLF: Oh. Sorry. Forgot you were grounded.

JOSH: It's okay. So, where are you and Otacon going?

WOLF: He's taking me out to a restaurant. [grins]

JOSH: That's cool! You think Liquid's gonna tail you?

WOLF: He'd better not.

JOSH: Well, let me call... ...er... ...patch you to... ...damn, what's his number... ...well, it's Otacon's lawyer.

[Josh's face switches to that of Pablo]

WOLF: Um... ...wazzup? [smiles]

PABLO: Hello, Miss. Or is it Mrs.? Anyway, Pablo Naso, attourney at law.

WOLF: Um... ...a number 3 with no pickles and a large Coke?

PABLO: What? Does this look like Wender & Kefney, attourneys at law? This is a real Firm!

WOLF: ...

PABLO: Okay... What is it that you need?

WOLF: Um... ...I need... ...I need a restraining order.

PABLO: Who's the Sassy boy?

WOLF: Liquid.

PABLO: How come? Thought he was gay, with all the British accent.

WOLF: Well, I'm kinda getting scared... ...I mean... ...well... ...you know how sometimes there's this feeling that you get whenever someone's following you?

PABLO: I would be lying if I said I wasn't lying.

WOLF: Well, just make it, please?

PABLO: I don't traditionally do anything that doesn't lead me to get money. But okay.

WOLF: Thanks.

OCELOT: Hey, Pablo! Did you, Josh and Wolf all... ...like... ...zone out or something at the same time?

JOSH: ...we did?

WOLF: Funny... ...I don't think so...

PABLO: Ocelot! Are you on drugs?

LIQUID: Well, anyway... ...yeah... ...so, shall we get started?

[silence]

[silent silence]

[revered - ]

SNAKE: Cut that out!

JOSH: Okay! Geez!

SNAKE: [smiles, thinking he has some sort of "authority"]

JOSH: Party pooper.

LIQUID: So, what do you guys think about my plan?

[silence]

JOSH: It sucks.

WOLF: I'm with Josh.

SIMON: What? I don't want no Fop! I'm a Dapper Dan man, dammit!

SNAKE: What he said.

PABLO: To quote John Kerry, I voted for it before I decided not to.

OCELOT: Uh... what Pablo said.

LIQUID: Is that what you really think, Ocelot? sniff

OCELOT: Um... ...yeah?

LIQUID: For saying that, I'm punishing you by forcing you to punish Snake by torturing him.

OCELOT: [holds up his right arm – remember, his hand got chopped off in the last chapter] But I'm handicapped now!

LIQUID: Improvise! [leaves]

OCELOT: ...

[long silence]

OCELOT: sigh ...alright... [puts on a shirt with the words "Pro-Torturer At Work!" on the front and the words "No Pain, No Death" on the back] Pro at work! [grabs one of his SAAs] Alright, move it!!! NOW!!!

JOSH: Sheesh... ...party pooper...

[everyone but Snake and Ocelot grumbles and leaves]

OCELOT: So, Snake... ...how about we start this little dumb torture show? [walks up to Snake, twirling his SAA]

twirl

thud

OCELOT: Ack! [picks up the dropped SAA]

SNAKE: [just staring]

OCELOT: [points the SAA at Snake] We're going to play a game, Solid Snake. [thumbs the hammer back]

SNAKE: Ooh! I love games! How's it work?

OCELOT: Simple. I ask a question, and you answer it. You get it right, nothing bad happens. Get it wrong, and you'll feel about 30,000 volts of electricity surge through your body. Of course, if you're a wimp, all you gotta do is tell me you quit. I'll stop, but it'll cost you someone dear to you. For instance... [presses a button on the console, which lowers a projector, a microphone, a camera, and a projection screen] ...say... ...her?

[projected on the screen is a live camera feed of Meryl, who is chained to a wall wearing only her shirt and panties... ...think of Twin Snakes, will ya?]

MERYL: Snake!!! Help!!!

SNAKE: Meryl! What the hell did this guy do to you?

MERYL: Besides bitch-slapping me and shit? Nothing.

OCELOT: Well, I WAS gonna strip her nude so you'd be distracted by her and wouldn't pay attention to the questions I asked, but that takes all the fun out of it.

SNAKE: Actually, I was hoping she WAS nude. That way, I'd resist the torture even more because I have some... ...say... ...motivation... ...if you know what I mean...

OCLEOT: ...eheheh...

MERYL: [frowns] Shut up, Snake.

[Genomes #11, #12, and #120 walk in]

GENOME #12: Zup, Ocelot?

GENOME #11: Zup, Snake?

SNAKE & OCELOT: Zup.

GENOME #120: I like cheese.

[long pause]

GENOME #11: ...you killed it. Just killed it.

OCELOT: What are you three doing here? I thought that you all were with Josh and Johnny Sasaki, who were supposed to torture Snake! What's going on?

GENOME #120: Yea, we ran into some very bad complications... As in "HOLY SHIT" bad.

[Somewhere else......okay, that one place in Washington D.C. where the U.S. Supreme Court works... ...the... ...what's it called... ...the... ...Supreme Court Building?]

[In some random men's restroom inside...]

JOHNNY SASAKI: [wearing what the bailiffs usually wear and taking a dump in one of the stalls] ...what did I eat?

ROY CAMPBELL: [wearing what the judges usually wear and taking a dump in another nearby stall] ...whoa... ...Johnny?

JOHNNY: No duh. It's kinda obvious why I'm here. What about you? Caught the "Johnny Sasaki Syndrome" or something?

CAMPBELL: No. I accidentally took the spoiled mayo from the lunge refrigerator and put it on my peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so... ...yeah. That's why I'm here.

JOHNNY: You put cough MAYO... ...on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? God, what kind of idiotic dumbass would do that sort of vile thing!?!?!?

[silence]

CAMPBELL: Hey, it was better than Spam!

JOHNNY: Oh, THAT!?!?!? [stomach groans] Oh, don't even go there! Uhng... ...not again!!!

...and back on Shadow Moses...

GENOME #12: ...um... ...yeah.

OCELOT: So, where does Josh play in all of this?

GENOME #11: Um... ...well...

[cut back to the Supreme Court Building]

JOSH: [suddenly appears in the judge's stand, wearing whatever judges usually wear] ...WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?

...and back...

OCELOT: ...so, you're saying that Josh is now a Supreme Court Judge, and that both Campbell and Sasaki have the worst case of "Imaginary Repulsive Substance Diarrhea" ever?

GENOME #11: ...I guess. Apparently, Josh somehow got appointed as "Head Punisher" on the forum he goes to. Or, he WAS the "Head Punisher". And now, somebody's on trial. I think somebody's on trial.

OCELOT: Me?

GENOME #12: No, some guy. I think.

OCELOT: Oh, shit.

GENOME #120: What the hell is your problem?

OCELOT: I'm on "Jury Duty" this week! What case is this?

GENOME #11: Um... ...it was... ...case number... ..."7734209."

OCELOT: [offended] What? YOU go to hell!

GENOME #11: What the...

OCELOT: You said "Go to hell!"

GENOME #12: You're being paranoid, Ocelot.

GENOME #11: I didn't say "Go to hell!" I said "7734209!"

OCELOT: [offended again] SEE!?!?!? YOU JUST SAID IT!!!

MERYL: Hey! What about me?

GENOME #120: Great, now the bitch is complaining...

MERYL: I'm on "Jury Duty" too! Although I'm on a different case! #12, it's that one "Robbed-an-old-lady-and-took-about-two-dollars-and-forty-three-cents" case! What is it?

GENOME #12: It was... ...uh... ...case number "55378008."

MERYL: [horribly offended] WHAT!?!?!?

GENOME #12: What? What'd I say?

MERYL: You said I was boobless!!! [pulls against her restraints and breaks free, picking up the camera on her side and pointing it to her... ...er... ...chest area...] Look at me! Do I look boobless to you???

SNAKE: ...eheheh... [drools]

GENOME #11: I only said "7734209!"

OCELOT: STOP SAYING I'M GOING TO HELL!!!

GENOME #12: Meryl, I only said "55378008!!!"

MERYL: [seriously offended] WHAT!?!?!? sob

[Liquid barges back in]

LIQUID: What the bloody hell is going on here?

GENOME #120: Mr. Russian Gun and the panties lady was getting angry.

LIQUID: Well... tell these bloody jurors to hurry up!!! Josh has a hectic schedule, and the bloody baka doesn't have time for annoying complaints! [leaves]

OCELOT: [angrily] I ain't going to hell! YOU ARE!!!

GENOME #11: For the last goddamn time... I said "7734209!"

OCELOT: Grr... [grabs his SAA...]

MERYL: I am NOT boobless, #12!

GENOME #12: [defensively] I never even said that, Meryl!!! All I said was that the case number was "55378008!"

MERYL: [extremely angry] Why, you - ! [leaves]

GENOME #12: (What the hell is going on here? Huh - ack!)

[Meryl walks in and starts choking Genome #12]

SNAKE: [sweatdrops] (This is one big pile of shit...)

Just then, Josh runs in, and trips on a random piece of debris from the door. Heh... ...I love this narrating gig...

JOSH: [is seen wearing those judge's robes and getting up] What the fuck is taking so damn long, you fricking bakas???

[everyone stops what they're doing]

JOSH: Someone better answer my question, dammit!

GENOME #120: They were playing the calculator game.

JOSH: What the... ...OH. I see. Meryl and Ocelot both understand "Calculator Lingo," guys.

GENOMES #11 & 12: Huh?

JOSH: Um... ...I'll show you guys. [opens the Fourth Dimension – hey I haven't done that in a while – and grabs a regular 99¢ calculator] The case numbers coincidentally are the exact same numbers used with certain calculator messages. Watch. [punches in numbers, and shows it to the confused Genomes] "7734209," right? Well, flip it upside down... [flips it upside-down, revealing the message "GO2HELL"]

GENOME #11: Oh! I see!

JOSH: And #12... [types] "55378008," correct? Well... [flips the calculator, showing "BOOBLESS"] ...yeah. Okies?

GENOME #12: Yeah. Got it.

OCELOT & MERYL: [realize their mistakes and bow their heads in shame] We're sorry for the misunderstanding.

JOSH: Uh-huh. Sure. Whatever. Just get outta here! Both of those trials are on RIGHT NOW!!! Move it!

OCELOT: What?

MERYL; [realizes her current attire won't work] Shit! Give me a minute, Josh! [rushes out]

[silence]

OCELOT: Um... ...can I have my hand back?

JOSH: No.

OCELOT: Okay.

[three seconds of silence later]

OCELOT: Can't I?

JOSH: NO.

OCELOT: 'Kay...

[about fifty-four seconds of silence later]

OCELOT: But - !

JOSH: NO! Get it in your head!

OCELOT: Sheesh...

[Meryl rushes back in, wearing a T-shirt and a mini-skirt]

JOSH: [whistles]

GENOME #12: Whoa... ...hot...

MERYL: [smiles] I see that some people like me... [winks]

SNAKE: ...eheheh... [drools]

MERYL: [bluntly] ...although certain people make that a little too obvious... [shakes her head]

GENOME #11: We should go now.

OCELOT: But... ...the torture session.

JOSH: Relax. That's why I sent in Genome #120, man. Er...

GENOME #120: Hell, I'll do it.

OCELOT: You sure you can do this?

GENOME #120: Yup! Lucky I brought my lucky stick! (I said lucky two times!)

OCELOT: Okay, then. Let's go.

JOSH: Finally... ...I wanna get this over with. I'll be tired, and bored, and hungry... ...anyone want McDonald's after this?

GENOME #12: Oh! [jumps up and down raising his hands] ME!!!

MERYL: I want Yoshinoya!!!

GENOME #12: Oh! I want a Beef Bowl!

OCELOT: Screw you guys. I want El Pollo Loco!!!

MERYL: ..."The Crazy Chicken?" You want a crazy chicken?

OCELOT: sigh ...the restaurant!

JOSH: That place is good...

OCELOT: Yeah. Gotta have chicken.

GENOME #11: Forget you guys. I'm going to Pizza Hut!

[silence]

GENOME #11: What the hell is wrong with Pizza Hut?

[silence]

OCELOT: Screw my idea! Let's do what he said!!!

JOSH: Okay, then! #120, you want anything?

GENOME #120: ADOBO PIZZA!

JOSH: Okay.

MERYL: I want a veggie pizza!

GENOME #12: Hawaiian!

OCELOT: Meat Lover's!

GENOME #11: Pepperoni!

JOSH: Stop arguing! We'll get 'em all!

GENOME #11: What about a Supreme Pizza?

JOSH: We'll need a couple of those! I LOVE Supreme!

GENOME #11: Cool! [gives Josh a high-five]

[everyone but Genome #120 and Snake leave]

SNAKE: [reads the above line] No shit. I still can't get out of this stupid thing!

GENOME #120: Don't make me use my stickality.

SNAKE: What? Why do I have to listen to you?

GENOME #120: So I can get you out without you touching everything. And shooting more guards...

SNAKE: [suspiciously] Who are you?

[Genome #120 takes off his balaclava, revealing...]

SNAKE: Riak Karasawa, the "Anti-Exodia Unit" card Mantis had when I dueled him in Chapter 10!?!?!?

RIAK: Yes! It me! And I brought ketchup!

SNAKE: ...um, so how are you gonna get me outta here?

RIAK: Uhh, I dunno...

SNAKE: Well, that sucks. Anyway, just try to get me out. And I know that I'm just a made-up character in the video game world. And I know that kids will probably be in the torture session in MGS. So, how do we make it so that it looks like Ocelot is still here torturing me?

[Riak then holds up a videotape labeled "Josh's Stupid, Non-Existent Video That Shows How He Got Through MGS"]

SNAKE: Nice. You've seen the tape?

RIAK: That's why I brought this ketchup.

SNAKE: Cool. Well, there's a VCR near that desk. Pop it in.

[Riak does as the screen fades]

RIAK: Ten years later...

MEANWHILE......ONCE THE VIDEO IS PLAYING...

MANTIS: [is playing MGS on his PlayStation when the videotape suddenly takes over] WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!?!?!?

MEI LING: [sitting behind Mantis] Huh? What happened?

MANTIS: I don't know! It must be a glitch!

[Solidus walks in, looking at the footage]

OCELOT (TV): ...press the "Circle" button repeatedly...

SOLIDUS: I don't see anything wrong.

MEI LING: Yeah, Mantis. Same here.

MANTIS: Blind fuckers.

...AND BACK...

SNAKE: ...well, how am I gonna escape? I mean, you can't really break this thing... ...unless...

RIAK: Should we use the ketchup?

SNAKE: ...unless we figure out which button on that console over there controls the restraints!!!

[camera pans to show the control console for the torture bed as a random choir walks in and signs on a high note]

RIAK: [walks over] Crap. They're blank.

[the choir falters, chokes, and runs away]

SNAKE: Well, that sucks. Why don't you press a button?

click

sizzle

SNAKE: [nervously] Uh... ...what was that?

RIAK: The sound of freedom?

SNAKE: Could be.

spark

SNAKE: Why do I get the feeling that Josh is somehow gonna get revenge on me using his legendary "FILIPINO POWER!!!"?

[without warning the electricity turns on, shocking Snake]

SNAKE: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

...MEANWHILE...

MANTIS: [mashing the Circle button as hard as he can]

MEI LING: Go, Mantis!!!

SOLIDUS: Dude, my dad could CRAWL faster than that!!!

MANTIS: No fucking duh! Your dad's Big Boss!!!

SOLIDUS: ...oh, yeah, huh?

MEI LING: [whispering to Mantis] That short-term memory thing runs in the family, huh?

MANTIS: [whispering back] I guess.

...AND BACK...

SNAKE: ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

RIAK: [is just standing there with his mouth open]

[the electricity stops flowing]

SNAKE: GASP!!!

...MEANWHILE...

MANTIS: GASP!!! [drops the controller]

MEI LING: YAY!!! YOU DID IT!!! WOOT!!!

SOLIDUS: Yeah. Go ahead and celebrate. Throw a party. But this was only the first part.

MANTIS: [face turns paler than pale – but since he's pretty much albino-skinned and since he always wears that stupid gas mask on his face, who the fuck cares???]

SOLIDUS: [waves hand in front of Mantis' face] You okay?

MANTIS: [keels over and faints]

MEI LING: ...

SOLIDUS: Oh, well. Who's up for Mortal Kombat?

MEI LING: [excitedly jumps up] ME!!! I'M KITANA!!!

SOLIDUS: Pffh... ...Sub-Zero will kick her ass!!!

MEI LING: [narrows her eyes] I'll make you eat those words.

SOLIDUS: [scoffs] Sure you will, "China-Girl."

MEI LING: [offended] What!? Stupid "Cyclops!"

SOLIDUS: [also offended] You're going down, "China-Girl."

MEI LING: [pops in the disc] No – YOU are, "Cyclops."

...AND BACK...

[the power has gone out all over Shadow Moses]

SNAKE: ...um... what happened?

RIAK: Uh... the power... exploded?

RANDOM VOICE FROM NOWHERE: MORTAL KOMBAT!!!

[insert Mortal Kombat theme music]

SNAKE: Oh, no. [receives a call] Um...

SNAKE: Yello.

GENOME #11: Snake, something wrong there?

SNAKE: Yeah, there is – hey, how'd you know?

GENOME #11: ESP, I guess.

SNAKE: [quizzical look] "...Electronic Skip Protection?"

GENOME #11: sigh "Extra-Sensory Perception," dumbass.

SNAKE: Oh... OH! Um, I knew that... ...heh...

GENOME #11: Right. Well, are there any odd things happening there? Like random voices from nowhere and strange music?

SNAKE: Dude, how'd you know!?

GENOME #11: (...he forgot ALREADY?)

SNAKE: Oh... ...that "Electronic Skip Protection" thing.
GENOME #11: It's "Extra-Sensory Perception," you idiot.

SNAKE: Yeah. See? "Electronic Skip Protection."

GENOME #11: That's for CD players!!! This is... [realizes it's hopeless to attempt to persuade Snake] ...ah, forget it. Look, there's an "Emergency Power Generator Activation" button on the console that Riak's standing next to. Tell him to look for a large, red, circular button.

SNAKE: Dude, it's pitch-black in here. How the hell can –

GENOME #11: It's called, "Glow-In-The-Dark," baka.

SNAKE: [tries to look] It's not on. I don't see it.

GENOME #11: sigh Ever tried looking the other way?

SNAKE: [listens to Genome #11 and finds the button] OH!

GENOME #11: ...moron...

RIAK: Why did you just stop there?

SNAKE: Oh... ...um... ...Genome #11 called me.

RIAK: What he want?

SNAKE: Um... ...I dunno. I forgot.

[insert disturbing silence]

cricket chirps

cough-cough

ahem!

tick-tock

RIAK: Fucking idiot...

SNAKE: You're SO lucky I'm still trapped in this thing, because I'd – hey! What's that thing over there?

[there's a red glow coming from the console's direction]

RIAK: Maybe it's something that I should touch.

[random yelling is coming from the hallway]

SNAKE: Huh? What was that noise?

???#5: Shut the fuck up, Snake.

???#7: Hey! Everyone alright?

???#9: Um, I guess... ...but why am I called "???#9?"

???#4: Because you dissed my Filipino heritage, baka.

???#9: That was Liquid! I was still on this thing!!!

???#4: ...oh. But still...

???#8: Stop being a fag for like 2 seconds.

???#7: You freaking Eminem fan!

???#9: Uh... ...what they said.

???#4: You said that so you could get a random line, huh?

???#7: I hope I get paid after this.

???#5: I have a Japanese girlfriend. Suck on it, bitch!

???#8: I like cheese.

???#10: CHEESE!!!

???#5: I'm afraid to ask, but who was that?

???#8: You stole my line! Fucking ninja!

???#10: PSYCHO!!!

???#8: ...

???#4: Randomness rocks, don't it?

???#5: OH, GOD, THE DEMOCRATS ARE TAKING AWAY MY DELICIOUS FREEDOM!

???#7: Where's President Bush... I mean, Sears when you need him?

???#8: I think I left my magic on.

???#9: Yo! I'm still not free here!

???#4: Hold on, Snake. I'll get you – whoa!

thud

???#4: Um... ...I'm fine.

???#7: Ha! That was sad... you... loser... guy.

???#4: Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you do this, Pablo!

???#7: Okay... Not. Why exactly?

???#4: Um... ...what about you, Riak?

???#8: I don't feel like it.

???#4: Oh, well. Snake, you're screwed.

???#9: ...

???#4: Well, in that case... ...who wants Snake's paycheck?

???#10: ME! ME! ME!

???#9: That's not cool, Josh.

???#4: Can it, you idiot. Anyway, if any of you were to get Snake's paycheck, currently worth 1.3 TRILLION U.S. Dollars, what would you get?

???#7: Enough guns and ammo to survive a three year siege, a constantly updated PC, and an acceptable Internet connection.

???#8: I'd buy a island, and make laws that I'd get free money!

???#4: I'd buy a Kawasaki Ninja, and a decent bed. And maybe a pistol so I could kill both of these author-type bastards.

???#10: CHEESE!!!

???#9: Grr... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

snap

???#9: YYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG - !!!

snap-snap

snappity-snap-snap

break

???#9: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH - !!!

thud

???#9: [muffled] ...ugh... ...I'm... ...okay...

[the lights and power go back on, and we see Snake sprawled over the control console with his head mashed on the "Emergency Power Generator Activation Button"]

JOSH: Well, at least the power's back on.

NINJA: CHEESE!!!

SNAKE: groan [gets up using the console as support]

click

[insert a klaxon and blaring lights]

JOSH: [looks at Snake and notices that his hand is on a button] Um... [nervously] ...Snake, did you... ...press something?

SNAKE: [lifts his hand and looks] Oh, shit.

JOSH: [runs over] Which one?

SNAKE: [points] That one.

JOSH: [reads the text aloud] "The button that Revolver Ocelot installed on this here console that should only be pressed in the event that his plan to steal the Metal Gear Rex data fails, resulting in spontaneously instantaneous death, destruction, and an evil laugh from the Cyborg Ninja that sounds a lot like the word 'Cheese'". ...that sucks.

SIMON: Oh, nice job, Snake.

PABLO: Oh! A great job coming from a great man!

RIAK: Just great Snake... I knew I should've saved my game...

NINJA: CCCCCCCHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSEEEEEEE!!!

JOSH: ...did that sound like an evil laugh?

NINJA: CHAOS!!! evil laugh

NINJA: HELL!!! evil laugh

NINJA: EXPLOSIONS!!! evil laugh

NINJA: ERADICATION!!! evil laugh

NINJA: SLAUGHTER!!! evil laugh

NINJA: END!!! evil laugh

[everyone just looks at Ninja, giving him the "What-in-the-fuck-did-you-just-say!?" look]

NINJA: CHEESE!!! [puts his arms up]

[everyone is still giving him said look]

NINJA: What? It's just an acronym. Bakas.

SNAKE: Well, let's get the hell outta here!

JOSH: You're forgetting your gear, dumbass.

SNAKE: Oh, yeah, huh? [grabs that big case with all his stuff in it] Let's see... ...who's got a checklist?

JOSH: [pulls one out] Moi. ahem H&K Mk.23?

SNAKE: [opens case] Check.

JOSH: FAMAS-F1?

SNAKE: Yep.

JOSH: MRE's? (Meals Ready to Eat)

SNAKE: Um... munch ...check... munch Hey, buttery...

JOSH: Ocelot's half-eaten pickled pig's feet sandwich?

SNAKE: Ugh... [picks up a Ziploc baggie with the sandwich inside it] Geez, this thing's moldy...

JOSH: Liquid's thermos of spoiled soy milk?

SNAKE: [picks up thermos] What the - ! Oh, God! No! [throws it over at the door, denting it] SICK!!!

JOSH: ...well, that's a yes. Um... ...M67 frag grenades?

SNAKE: Um... ...no...

NINJA: [grabs the list from Josh] ...Cheese Box?

SNAKE: Since when did I get that?

NINJA: Well, we telemarketers have our ways...

SNAKE: [shrugs, then looks, and finds a cheese box]

JOSH: Wow. That's a yes. Um... [snatches the list back from the Ninja] Your Nikita?

SNAKE: Yep.

JOSH: PVS5 Thermal Goggles and D2MV NVG's?

SNAKE: [rummages through box] Check... ...and... ...check.

SIMON: Deodorant?

SNAKE: Huh? What's that?

SIMON: It's a method of keeping you stink-free, which you obviously don't know about, STINKY!

SNAKE: Hey! That's uncalled for!

JOSH: Um... ...cardboard boxes?

SNAKE: Check.

JOSH: MO Disc?

SNAKE: ...whaddya know... ...I still got it. Check.

PABLO: "Dulce De leche"? Although I should say "Milk Candy!"...

SNAKE: Um... ...what?

PABLO: You know... Milk and Sugar boiled to make a wonderful paste!

SNAKE: Hey! Shut up! Stop acting like I'm dumb!

NINJA: CHEESE!!!

SNAKE: Hey, Ninja telemarketer person! Stop being stupid!

JOSH: Your face is stupid.

SNAKE: Your mother is stupid!

JOSH: Your mother's a whore.

SNAKE: DAMMIT!!!

(A/N: If anyone here reads the webcomic "The Last Days Of FOXHOUND", then you probably know where I got this. If you don't, or if you haven't read it, then go to and start reading. It's just fucking hilarious! Oh, and if you wanted to know, it's from comic #109: "Rules of Engagement". It's one of my favorites!

JOSH: clears throat Anyway... PAL Key?

SNAKE: Yep.

JOSH: M25 binoculars?

SNAKE: Yea.

RIAK: Ratan sticks?

SNAKE: [confused] What!?

RIAK: It's a wood commonly found in the Philippines used to make fighting sticks used during wars when they couldn't use machetes.

SNAKE: What the fucking hell is with you guys!?

JOSH: Hey! Shut up! I sure the readers are getting tired of your constant nagging already! So chill out so we can finish this and start filming Chapter 14! Capiche!?

SNAKE: Okay... ...well, what is it?

JOSH: What, you mean the title?

SNAKE: Yeah, you freaking baka!

JOSH: sigh (...why the hell did I allow them to use self-depreciation? Oh, yeah... ...so they get paid LESS Okay...

NINJA: So, what is it?

JOSH: Chapter 14 is titled "Attack of the Genomes".

[everyone starts to laugh]

JOSH: What's so funny?

SIMON: Josh, it's sad that you had to rip off a title. It's even sadder that you ripped it off the mother-fucking second Star Wars movie, you piece of monkey spit.

RIAK: Holy shit josh, first blatantly ripping off Austin Powers then using the title of a bad movie? What's your next chapter going to be called? "Dude where's my M16"?

PABLO: Hahah! You... bad movie... title... ripping... guy!

JOSH: [blunt look] ...uh-huh... ...look guys, we got a slight problem. Come with me and I'll explain the details. [opens a portal to the Fourth Dimension with his "FILIPINO POWER!!!" and jumps inside]

[the others look at each other, shrug, and jump in too]

MEANWHILE... ...SOMEWHERE IN COURT...

WOLF: [in that Jury Box thing] Where's the judge?

OCELOT: [he's a juror too] Shut it, Wolf!

MERYL: [who's also a juror] Why don't you shut it, Ocelot?

OCELOT: I don't hafta! I'm older! Respect your elders!

[juror too] And respect those higher in rank than you!

OCELOT: EEP!!! [turns around to find the owner of the voice – Solidus Snake] Um... ...hi? Mister President? Heh... ...um...?

...AND NOW TO THE FOURTH DIMENSION...

[we see nothing but, um, white... uh... space...]

[a portal opens, and the group lands]

RIAK: Where the hell is this place? Friggen Chuck E. Cheese's?

JOSH: Not even close. It's The Fourth Dimension.

NINJA: Sweet.

[everyone but Josh looks around]

PABLO: Why are we here exactly?

JOSH: This is the location of my personal armory. We're here to grab what weapons we want so we can kick some idiotic Genome ass.

SNAKE: Whoa...

[everyone but Josh looks around again]

SIMON: Ugh. I'm going to go along with your little Matrix parody. [puts on Keanu Reeves bland voice] Josh, where's what we need? And what we need it guns. Lots of guns.

JOSH: Hold on a sec... [claps hands]

[racks and racks of weapons appear out of nowhere]

SNAKE: [is clearly surprised] WHOA...

NINJA: [also surprised] HOLY FUCKING MERCIFUL SHIT...

PABLO: [surprised as well] HOLY JESUS MCCHRIST!

SIMON: [surprised too] Meh, I saw it coming.

RIAK: [surprised also] More movie rippoffs...

SNAKE: This is gonna be sweet! [grabs FAMAS ammo, another SOCOM and another FAMAS for backup, extra SOCOM ammo, M67 fragmentation grenades, and a hatchet] Let's go! [grabs a tomato ketchup bottle]

JOSH: They'll never know what hit them. [grabs a Colt M4A2SD/M203 SOPMOD, a Heckler & Koch USP9SD, a Kalashnikov AKS-74uSD-UBN/BS1 and a FN Five-Seven for backup, spare ammo for the weapons, a duo of AN-M8 Smoke Grenades, a switchblade combat survival knife, and a cheeseburger]

SIMON: I'll hit 'em so hard, their babies will come out bruised. [takes a Heckler-Koch MSG-90, a pair of Colt Pythons, a G11, a pair of Beretta M93Rs, spare ammo for all of them, a LAW, a dotanuki, and a pack of condoms]

PABLO: I plan on whippin' some butt, so...[takes a H&K UMP-45, chambered for the 11.25 x 23mm ACP round, a .40 Smith & Wesson USP, NVG's, picklocks. spare ammo, some C4, a SEAL2000 knife, and some chewing-gum]

RIAK: They'll wish they had cut off their leg to mask the huge amount of hurt they're in for.[takes a 240 Bravo, an M5, a M40A1 Sniper rifle, a Desert Eagle, spare ammo for all of them, a SEMTEX C4 explosives pack, a Machete, and a Kraft Singles slice of American cheese]

NINJA: Hey! What about me?

SNAKE: You'll just steal all of the kills!

NINJA: Aw, no fair!

JOSH: Actually, I have a special mission for you, Ninja. How do you feel about extraction recon missions?

NINJA: They're okay. So what is it?

JOSH: I'll explain in detail later. [claps hands as the racks of weapons disappear and the lights (if there even are any) turn off]

[silence]

SNAKE: Whoa... ...you installed a Clapper?

JOSH: Yeah. Isn't it a catchy jingle? Ninja knows it!

NINJA: Clap on! [clap-clap] Clap off! [clap-clap] Clap on! Clap off! The Clapper! [clap-clap]

JOSH: Yep.

[everyone finally realizes it's dark]

NINJA: Ooh... ...spooky.

[A soft blue glow appears in the middle of the room as a hologram appears, showing a diagram of the Communications Towers. Josh now walks in dressed in a USN Captain's uniform, standing next to the hologram. The others are seen sitting down on chairs on the opposite side]

JOSH: Alright, gentlemen, there's the current sitrep, and your orders for deployment, effective immediately. [grabs a remote and presses a button as the hologram zooms in on the Underground Passageway, showing five dots – each in various colors] Notice the five dots an the entrance of the passageway. I'm the black dot. Snake's the green one. Simon, Pablo, and Riak are the white dots. Before we continue, guys, pick a color other than black or green.

SIMON: Grey, fucksicle.

PABLO: Um... ...purple?

RIAK: Blue, the color of bottle caps.

[the three dots change colors]

JOSH: Okay. Good. I recently ordered Galena Air Force Base to initiate a reconnaissance mission over Shadow Moses airspace. [looks at his watch] Currently, we got a U-2 spy plane equipped with live IR feed to give us an idea of what we are facing. Red dots are Genomes. [presses a button]

[slowly, an infinite amount of red dots start filling up the tower, and loads more appear in Tower B and around the bases of both towers]

SNAKE: [jaw drops] Dear God...

JOSH: Alright. Here's how we deal with it. [presses a button, showing the five dots moving to the front of Tower A] We have no choice but to storm in and give them hell.

[all the dots except for the black one go inside the tower]

JOSH: Yep. You four will be attacking them, killing them, blowing their insides out, et cetera. [presses a button]

[the black dot is seen moving away from the towers, going towards the Heliport on the other side]

JOSH: While you do that, I'll be providing air support. There's a CH-47 "Chinook" and KA-60 "Kasatka" en route here. I'll be taking your spare weapons and supplies to the Chinook while I hitch a ride back to Galena.

[A Chinook appears on the heliport as the black dot moves towards it but doesn't go in. The Chinook takes off as the Kasatka lands, and the black dot gets in.]

JOSH: The Chinook will be hovering around the 9th floor. The crew is made up of people from various SPECOPS groups. Call them if you need any of your other gear or a bit of cover fire. They'll also pick off any others if necessary.

[a squadron of fighters appear in the hologram]

JOSH: Once I land in Galena, I'll be taking command of a fighter squad and we'll be doing air skirmishes on them. Plus, we'll also guard the local airspace, just in case. Alright, before I end the mission briefing, does anyone have any questions? Anyone? [Ninja raises his hand] Yeah?

NINJA: So what's my role?

JOSH: Rations aren't everyone's favorite meals. Although I found them to be tasty. Anyway, I know you have gift certificates for various restaurants. What were they?

NINJA: Erm... ...they were... ...lesse... ...McDonalds, Burger King, KFC, Rubio's, IHOP, Denny's, Yoshinoya, Jollibee –

JOSH: Stop right there. Jollibee? You serious?

NINJA: Yeah. Why?

JOSH: Dude, I LOVE that place!

SNAKE: What is that place?

[insert the Psycho theme while a brick wall smashes into a car... ...or was it the other way around? I dunno...]

JOSH: [completely shocked] You don't fucking know!?

SNAKE: [meekly] ...no?

JOSH: Why, it's the Philippines' #1 fast food chain! They should make one here in Camarillo! It'd be COOL!

SNAKE: Uh, yea, sure...

JOSH: Ninja, the closest one I know of is in Carson, California. So order everything. Oh, and could you stop by L.A. Chinatown? There's this bubble tea shop there. Get me a large watermelon one. Oh, make that two.

NINJA: I was planning on stopping there anyway. Mmm... ...boba.

JOSH: Yep... ...so, anyone else have any questions?

[silence]

JOSH: Good. You have your orders. We'll move out as soon as Ninja returns with the food. Fall out! [claps hands]

[the hologram thing goes off, which results in pitch-black darkness all around, resulting in silence]

[more silence]

NINJA: Ooh... ...spooky.

JOSH: Will you shut up!?

= END OF CHAPTER XIII =

Even though this is the longest chapter in this story, it's not my best. Well, time for the post-story announcements.

1.) THE FIRST ANNUAL MGS FAN-FIC AWARDS CEREMONY!
Yes, you heard me right. If you're an MGS fan-fic writer, you have to hear about this! This is an unofficial thing, but still honorable in its own right. The idea was created by fellow MGS fan-fic writer Shade Wolf. There are many awards being given out, such as Best Fic, Best (insert genre here) Fic, Best Author, Worst Author, et cetera. Go to , sign up, and nominate whoever you think deserves whatever award! Oh, and don't be afraid to vote for yourself.

2.) EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN THAT, SIGN UP ANYWAY!

Again, it's . You can learn a LOT about other's fan-fics, and you'll understand this story (among others) even better. Why? Because there's stuff that goes on in there that doesn't go on here.

WOLF: [shows her right hand to the camera, revealing a wedding ring] Like this! I got married to Otacon! Cute!

ELIJAH SLERVANSK: (from Pablosky's fic Metal Gear Solid: ECLIPSE Team) And I'll make appearances here from now on!

WOLF: They don't even know who the hell you are.

ELIJAH: They will if they sign up!

WOLF: Well, to clarify things to you all right now, Elijah here is my older brother. And no, he's not an official MGS character or anything. He's an OC. Original Character.

ELIJAH: Yeah. And her name is Layla.

WOLF: Yeah. It's made up as well, but Josh liked it.

JOSH: And no, I didn't make this up. Go read Pablosky's story. You'll see.

3.) MY FORUM IS BACK ONLINE!!!

JOSH: Due to a few "problems"...

SNAKE: cough Daniel Sullivan cough

JOSH: Yeah. Anyway, we had to relocate the board so he couldn't track us down.

SNAKE: Wondering who this Sullivan person is? Well, lemme explain. See, he's this fucked up idiot over in Camarillo High School. Anyway, he's racist towards Mexicans and Germans and he hates "geeks" with a passion.

JOSH: One of the many ironies of this is that he is one himself. He's a freaking Counter-Strike addict. Also he lies about everything and thinks he can get away with it.

SNAKE: Anyway, he hates Josh for those reasons as well as others. We don't know what they are yet.

JOSH: Pretty much everyone that knows him here hates him. If you want more info on this, or you want to say shit to him because he's a racist dick and a complete baka, go over to my Xanga. Why? He uses it to insult my friends and me.

SNAKE: Plus, he uses whatever friends he has to insult them also. Kinda sad. There was this one post that either he or one of his friends wrote. It was sick. [shudders] Let's just say it involved yaoi-ish behavior.

JOSH: [slightly shudders] Yeah. Anyway, because of him, I had to relocate my message board. The url's torant. Sign up today, please!

SNAKE: Unlike most forums, this is a forum for ANYTHING. It's really cool. C'mon, join!

4.) UPDATE ON HMGSRH: SURVIVOR! ALL 40 SLOTS ARE FULL!

There's also a slight problem I'm having. See, I want some more info and stuff from you guys and girls for the contest. Now, you're probably saying, "Pfft. I'll just tell him on the review." DON'T. I don't want this story to be deleted and crap. Yeah.

GENOME #11: Anyway, He needs the following info. Here's an example to go along with it. Namely, Josh's info.

JOSH: Hey!

NAME: (your real name) Josh D. Blanco

CALLSIGN: (your pen name, your AIM/MSN name, your nickname, et cetera) jduran89

ONE ITEM YOU'D BRING: (for those who registered already, I got it down, but if you want to confirm it or want to have something else...) The Fourth Dimension

SHOULD MERYL LIVE OR DIE? (again, I have this already if you registered, but if you have a change of heart...) Live

YOUR MOTTO: (you know what a motto is) FILIPINO POWER!!!

HOW YOU KNOW JOSH: (Josh is me. Um...) Uh... ...I'm me...

WHY YOU REGISTERED: (Why did you?) It's my contest...

And now, I leave you with the 40 people who registered! The people with a asterisk () do not need to resend any info.

01.) Solid Snake

02.) Liquid Snake

03.) Solidus Snake

04.) Meryl Silverburgh

05.) Colonel Roy Campbell

06.) Doctor Naomi Hunter

07.) Mei Ling

08.) Nastasha Romanenko

09.) Revolver Ocelot

10.) Doctor Hal Emmerich

11.) Genome #11

12.) Genome #12

13.) Vulcan Raven

14.) Psycho Mantis

15.) Sniper Wolf

16.) Cyborg Ninja

17.) Johnny Sasaki

18.) A Monkey Named Bob

19.) Josh D. Blanco

20.) Shade Wolf

21.) Pablosky

22.) Riak Karasawa

23.) Dragon Master's Mistress

24.) Master Fruit Cake

25.) Dark Knight Gafgar

26.) TheMonkey22

27.) Ghost1328

28.) MGS S. Snake

29.) Ghost Sniper

30.) Super Chibi Blender Man

31.) Alex Brinkman

32.) Eric Zimmerman

33.) Michael Groom

34.) Ryan Freeman

35.) Ryan Uyematsu

36.) Jenny Bork

37.) Jessica Gallaway

38.) David Baldwin

39.) Andre Dufrain

40.) Elijah Slervansk

If I misspelled anyone's names, I'm sorry!

Well, there's what I need. Don't place it in your review unless you don't go online on a regular basis. Here's how to reach me.

E-MAIL:

AIM: jduran89 (I'm on unless I'm out, I'm sleeping, or playing Counter-Strike.)

MSNIM: (Don't e-mail me there. I don't answer it. Seriously.)

XANGA:

5.) ARE YOU A FAN-FIC WRITER AND A GUNBOUND PLAYER?
If your answer is yes, and if you're looking for a guild, then look no further. Join "FanFics"! I made this guild. Basically, I was thinking I'd spread the word about fanfiction, and what better way than GunBound? Well, the only requirement to join (other than the obvious "Be a Metal Axe" thing) is to be either a fan-fic writer or an avid fan-fic reader. Please sign up today!

AGAIN, I AM VERY SORRY FOR THE SEVEN MONTH HIATUS.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

Now, one final thing. If you were too lazy to check for your name, here's the list of people who NEED to send in the other info.

Shade Wolf

Pablosky

Dragon Master's Mistress

Master Fruit Cake

Dark Knight Gafgar

TheMonkey22

Ghost1328

MGS S. Snake

Ghost Sniper

Super Chibi Blender Man

Alex Brinkman

Eric Zimmerman

Michael Groom

Thank you for reading! I'll see you all later!

- Josh D. Blanco

"There's a spoon in my ear!"
- Dr. Hobo, VG Cats