Chapter Twelve

The journey to Sam's apartment was mostly spent in silence. When they arrived Jessica helped Sam out of the car and he reluctantly took her hand and let her guide him up the steps to the front door. Josh walked behind with Sam's bag. When they got into the living room they all stood for a moment in awkward silence until Sam said that a drink would be good. He sat on the sofa and Jessica brought out a throw and placed it over him.

"Mom, I'm out of hospital now, I don't need this," Sam complained but he didn't remove it.

"I better get back to the office," Josh said. He leaned over and placed a hand on Sam's shoulder. "It's great to see you home."

"It's great to be home," Sam lied and wondered how many other lies he would tell before things got back to normal.

Ron was becoming a frequent visitor to Toby's office and Toby could tell as he saw him that this visit was going to bring good news.

"The captured dealer has told us where we might find Incul and before you ask, yes, he's the one that broke Sam's hand. I don't hold out much luck that we'll find him. They don't stay hidden in the same place for long, but there's a chance. He's also told us of Mael's part in the abduction and so now we just need to go back to Mael and start getting some real answers."

"What is he getting in return?" Toby asked.

"I don't know and that's up to the Colombian authorities. I should think a decreased sentence and new identity."

Toby looked at Ron and allowed himself just to focus on the possibility of Incul being captured. He had heard Sam mumble his name in his sleep and he hoped that if Incul was caught it would be meaningful for Sam and help him to start looking forward.

"I'm going to see the President now but I wanted to tell you what I know. I'll keep you updated."

Toby thanked Ron and went next door to see how Jason was getting on. He was in such a good mood he even considered praising him if he liked what he had done.

Carol had to walk quickly to keep up with CJ who had stormed out of the briefing room and was making her way towards Leo's office. When she arrived Josh was telling Toby about the physical therapist but omitting the more embarrassing details of his encounter.

"This isn't going to go away," CJ announced as she entered the room.

"What, Josh's infatuation with nurses?" Toby asked.

"They're now asking why Josh and Toby stopped visiting Sam," she replied.

Toby's smile disappeared. "They were keeping a log of our visits?"

"A few reporters were there every day and between them they realised that you and Josh didn't visit Sam for a while after visiting every day."

Josh leant forward and shook his head. "Let them ask, there's nothing to it. Sam asked us not to visit and so we didn't. We've seen him since then, hell I took him home from hospital."

"Has his father said anything else?" Leo asked.

CJ shook her head. "It's not Sam's father that they're interested in anymore. The idea that the senior staff are divided is much more juicy."

Leo thought about it for a while and then made the one suggestion he could think of, "Leak the President's visit to Sam." He was surprised by the vehemence of opposition that the idea met with. CJ, Josh and Toby all chorused 'no'.

"That's not fair to Sam," Toby explained, "and anyway how does that help us? The President's visit was a complete disaster."

"I think we just let them think what they want." Josh announced. "There's no truth to it. Chances are they'll be outside Sam's place so they will see us visiting. Wait until Sam's more together and see if he wants to make a statement but I don't think we should do anything now."

Leo looked at Toby and CJ who nodded their agreement and then moved on to the next item on the agenda.

Sam had been asleep since arriving home. He had fallen asleep on the sofa and his mother had woken him and told him to go to bed where he had been ever since. She looked at her watch and decided that if he slept any longer he would be awake all night and so she set about making a drink to take in to him. She heard the first cry and called out thinking Sam had called her. When there was no reply she went towards the bedroom. She didn't have to wait long before Sam called out again. She walked into the room and saw Sam writhing on the bed. His hand clenched tightly at the sheets and his injured hand lay at a right angle to his body. Jessica had found it hard to listen to Sam when his high fever had caused him to murmur and cry out but this was worse. The look of fear on her son's face and the anguished tone of his voice made her move immediately to his bedside and shake him.

"Wake up, Sam!" Sam pulled more tightly at the comforter but didn't open his eyes. "Sam! It's just a dream, wake up!"

Sam's eyes opened suddenly and he sat upright. Jessica kept her hands in place and watched as his expression changed from fear to confusion.

"Just a dream, Sam, that's all," she tried to pull Sam towards her but he shrugged away from her and lay back down. "Do you want to tell me what it was about?"

"I tried to stop him but-" Sam's voice faltered and he fought to regain his composure then turned away from his mother.

Jessica stayed on the side of the bed. She watched Sam's chest heave in and out as he struggled to control his breathing. After a while, when he had calmed down, she reached over and stroked his hair. "Why are you afraid of letting go, Sam? Hmm?" What are you holding onto? You're keeping it all inside, what's stopping you from letting it out?" She carried on stroking Sam's head until he fell asleep.

Nurse Judy Cook met with Josh's approval. He had made a point of making sure he was at Sam's place when she arrived. Donna had snorted when he had told her that he wanted to make sure she was suitable. He had ignored her, much as he had ignored Toby's warnings about making sure that he didn't frighten her off.

Judy arrived at Sam's with a large bag of physio equipment and introduced herself. "I've worked for the agency as a physio therapist and before that I worked privately as a nurse," she explained. "I'll do whatever you need, but I think I should tell you now that I don't do toenails." Sam laughed and knew immediately that he would like her.

Josh sat and watched Judy explain to Sam when she would call and what she would be doing. She was also making it very clear to Sam that he had to do his bit as well.

"I really think you're going to find that, apart from the physio, I'll be fine. I appreciate what Leo's doing but I don't feel comfortable with him paying for someone to look after me when I'm more than capable of doing it myself."

"Let's just see how we go from here. If you still feel like that in a week then I'll go back to Mr McGarry and we'll sort out a new arrangement." Judy smiled sweetly at Sam.

Josh recognised the smile, it was the sort of smile the nurses had given him and had usually been followed with the words 'this won't hurt a bit'. Josh liked Judy. She wasn't patronizing or domineering and he felt confident that her presence could only speed Sam's recovery and return to the White House.

"I'd better be making a move," Josh said as he stood and took his cup back to the kitchen.

Sam saw him to the door and didn't object when Josh suggested coming over later on.

He returned to the living room and found that Judy had already unpacked some of her equipment. "Might as well make a start, Sam, if you feel up to it?"

Sam nodded although he wasn't entirely sure what they were making a start on. He sat down at a small table that Josh had bought up from Judy's car and watched as she laid out a towel. She asked Sam a series of questions and filled in a number of forms before asking Sam to place his hand on the table. His wrist was still in a cast and one finger in a splint. "Sam, just put your right hand on here," Judy repeated. Sam placed his hand on the table and waited for the next instruction. Judy reached over and gently moved his hand nearer to her. She didn't react when Sam suddenly pulled his hand out of her grasp. She could hear Sam's breathing was becoming more rapid but she pretended not to notice that either. After a few moments Sam put his hand back on the table. Judy gently examined each finger while she referred to some notes at the same time. When she felt Sam's hand shaking she decided to stop and carry on later. "Well, these notes match your hand, so we've made a good start," she said trying to lighten the mood. Sam quickly removed his hand from the table and tucked it protectively under his left arm.

"Don't you want to do anything?" he asked.

"I'll do some work on it later on. Would you feel happier if I set up my equipment in another room?"

"There's a spare room, then you can just leave it out all the time," Sam suggested and he led the way down the corridor. Judy commented on how perfect it was while she stood by Sam and listened carefully to his breathing. When she was happy that he was calmer, she suggested that he had a lie down while she set up in the spare room.

"When you've had a rest we'll try again," she suggested. Sam agreed and headed back to his room. He lay on his bed and studied his hand. He was embarrassed that just having someone look at and touch it had caused such a reaction. He ran his finger along the edge of the cast and forced himself to think about the memories of Incul grabbing his hand and slamming it down on the table. He looked at his fingers and closed his eyes as the memory of the gun smashing against them flooded his mind.

"All set Sam," Judy called through the door.

Sam had felt like he had only been back in his room for a few minutes but when he looked at the clock he was surprised to see that thirty minutes had passed since Judy had suggested he have a rest.

Judy didn't think he looked any better for it. He looked pale and seemed even more anxious than he had before. Sam followed her into the spare room and placed his hand on the table as he watched her pick up a small white container that was filled with liquid. She then placed a bag around the splint.

"This is paraffin wax. It will help to relax your muscles and make it easier for me to work on your hand. Just dip your hand into the bowl. You'll feel a warming sensation." Judy watched Sam carefully as he dipped his hand into the bowl and again placed it on the table. After a few moments Judy took hold of his hand and began to find out what movement he had in his fingers.

"Are you very right handed?" Judy asked. "Some people are surprised to find that they think of themselves as right handed but can do most things as well with their left. But then, my friend broke her hand and found that her left hand was completely useless."

"I didn't break it."

"I'm sorry?"

"They broke it. I didn't trip or catch it in a door, they held me down and-"

Sam stopped talking and looked away. Judy carried on her work in silence and ignored Sam's shuddering breath.

"I'm sorry," Sam said and he looked at Judy who shook her head.

"Don't be."

Sam willed the rising panic away and tried to clear his mind of images of Incul's gun butt rising in the air. He closed his eyes and tried to relax his breathing but when he opened them the sight of the wall behind Judy zooming towards him made him shut them tightly again.

"Sam?"

He opened his eyes. Judy was sitting directly in front of the corner of the room. Sam's eyes widened as the point where the two walls met zoomed towards her. He swayed, muttered a curse and leapt from his seat, knocking the bowl of liquid wax flying in his haste to leave the room.

Judy found him standing on the balcony his left hand holding tightly onto the rail. "Has this happened before, Sam?"

Sam didn't reply. He hoped Judy thought that this was just a panic attack. He didn't want to have to admit that he had thought the room was going to close in on him or that he had experienced it before and each attack had been worse but this was the first time he had felt compelled to flee the room. "It's just a panic attack, I had them in the hospital. I know what to do."

Judy rubbed Sam's back as he concentrated on calming down. Sam told himself that not being able to be in a room unless the door was open was probably a part of coping with having been locked away. He told himself that automatically finding the escape route of any room he went into was also probably just a way of coping with the transition of being back home. He told himself these things as his breathing slowed to a more normal rate and he ignored the part of his mind that told him that he was developing a phobia and it was getting worse. He ignored it because the part of his mind that was screaming at him that he was weak and that he shouldn't cry or show them that he was in pain, was trying to make itself heard over any logical thoughts that he was having. He felt Judy uncurl his hand from the rail and let her guide him back into the apartment.

"I think…you know what, I think I'll go and lie down again if you don't mind," Sam turned away from Judy and walked towards his bedroom.

"Mr Lyman is coming over in a while isn't he? Do you want me stay until he gets here?"

"Erm…no I don't think…yes, you can if like," Sam answered and walked into his room and shut the door behind him. Judy returned to the spare room and tried to remember if she knew any tips for getting paraffin wax out of carpets.

When Josh arrived, Sam was still in his room and Judy was on her hands and knees running an iron on a piece of brown paper over the carpet.

"Oh, hi, Mr Lyman."

Josh looked at her with a confused expression and laughed as he asked her what she was doing.

"We had a little accident with a bowl of paraffin wax, but-" Judy peeled the brown paper away and was relieved to find most of the wax had soaked into it, "luckily I remembered a way to get it out." She stood up and threw the paper into the trashcan.

"Where's Sam?" Josh asked as he took off his coat.

"He's having a rest. I worked on his hand and I think he found it a little stressful." She started to pack away her things and then put on her coat. "I left a timetable in the kitchen. I was going to call tomorrow afternoon but I think I'll come in the morning instead."

"Fine. Is everything okay?"

"Sam's a little tired. I looked in on him a couple of times and he's fine."

Josh nodded and followed Judy into the hallway. He opened the door for her and told her he would see her in the morning. He had seen the bed in the spare room was made up and he knew even before he went to see how Sam was that he wouldn't be going home tonight.

Josh waited a while before knocking on Sam's door. He made two cups of coffee and placed them on a tray. He put it down on the floor and knocked.

"Sam?" Josh waited and then knocked again. He heard Sam mumble something then clear his throat and call more clearly for him to come in.

"Hey, how're you feeling?" Josh asked as he placed the tray on the bedside table.

Sam hoisted himself up the bed and wiped his hand over his face. "Has Judy gone?"

"Yeah, she said she would come in the morning."

Sam was lying on top of the covers. He shifted slightly down the bed and yawned loudly, "God, I'm tired."

"You're wearing odd socks," Josh pointed out.

Sam raised his feet, peered down at them and frowned. "Well you know what they say about odd socks."

"They don't say anything about odd socks." Josh picked up a cup and passed it to Sam.

"Don't they? I thought it was a sign of an incredible intellect."

"It's a sign that you should get dressed with the light on." Josh picked up his own cup and sat on the bed next to Sam. "How did it go with Judy?"

"Great!" Sam replied too quickly.

Josh knew it was a lie but he accepted the answer and changed the subject, "Toby threw a ball at your replacement's head today."

Sam turned to face Josh. "I'm going to enjoy this story aren't I."

Josh nodded and smiled. "He threw it at the wall but he kind of lost his balance and it went through the open door instead."

"And…"

"It hit…and the odds of this are phenomenal…it hit the wall of the Bullpen, bounced down to the floor at an angle, bounced back up and straight into your office where Jason-"

"Jason?" Sam interrupted.

"The guy who's standing in for you, anyway, he was standing in the doorway and it smacked him right on the forehead."

"Wow, the trajectories involved in that! I mean, if you tried to do that on purpose it would be impossible."

"Yeah, and I know you shouldn't laugh but the look on Jason's face…as if he doesn't have enough to cope with Toby shredding apart every word he writes." Josh put his feet up on the bed and chuckled at the memory, "And then the best bit was when Toby just casually peered around the doorjamb and said to Jason, 'And this is the pain I can inflict when I'm not even trying'!"

Sam couldn't help but laugh at the plight of his replacement and he imagined nobody wanted him to return to work more than Jason Charlston. As if Josh could read Sam's mind he turned to him, his face serious, and asked him when he was coming back to work. Both men knew that Josh was really asking if Sam was coming back to work.

The smile faded from Sam's face and he turned away. "I don't know. Margaret phoned and said that Leo would like to come and see me so I suppose that's what he wants to talk about. Maybe he's planning a changed role for me or something."

"That's not going to happen! Why do you think that?"

"Oh come on, Josh!"

"What?"

"Well, I'm not exactly at the top of my game right now!" Sam got off the bed. "The last time I saw Bartlet I shouted at him to go away. I can't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes and let's not forget my totally useless fucking hand that I can't even hold a pen with!" Sam stood at the end of the bed, his face was red.

Josh stood up too and walked over to him. "You're talking as if we want you back because you're a good speechwriter! We want you back. We want our friend back and all the other stuff doesn't matter, we can help you deal with that, but we need you back with us, Sam. I'm worried- we're all worried, that you won't come back at all."

"I don't know, Josh," Sam sat down on the bed and seemed suddenly exhausted, "I wish I could tell you that I can't wait to get back to work but I just don't know."

Josh waited until Sam was looking at him. "Just promise me that you won't make any rash decisions. Listen to what Leo has to say. Take your time, you'll be given as much as you need. Besides, I want to see what Toby will do to Jason next."

Josh was relieved when his last sentence produced a smile from Sam. Josh had kept silent at work about his suspicions that Sam might not want to return but now that they had been confirmed he knew he had to talk to Leo before his meeting with Sam. He knew he had to talk to Toby as well. During his rant, Sam had referred to the President as Bartlet. Josh remembered something Toby had told him about Sam doing that after he'd found out about the MS. It had been intentional then, calling the President by his surname showed how disappointed Sam was with the man behind the title. Josh knew it had been intentional this time also.

"Are you hungry?" Sam asked, interrupting Josh's thoughts and drawing a definite close to the discussion.

They ate and watched television and no matter how hard Josh tried, he couldn't shake the feeling that Sam wasn't going to come back to work and he couldn't suppress the constant fear that the Sam they had known wasn't going to come back to them at all.