Chapter Thirteen

The apartment was tidy. Sam had spent the morning clearing up in readiness for Leo's visit. He sat on the sofa and pulled some specks of fluff from his sweater. He was surprised to find that he felt so nervous about Leo coming to see him. Although he suspected that Leo wanted to find out if he was coming back, he had no real idea what the visit was about and he told himself that it was probably just a social call and that Leo had no agenda apart from finding out how Sam was getting along. Sam brushed at his sweater again and as the buzzer sounded he quickly walked over to the spare room and shut the door, suddenly embarrassed by the paraphernalia of the physio therapy that cluttered the room.

Leo had dreaded this moment and had put it off for as long as he could. He feared that Sam blamed him. He knew it was a useless and irrational thought but it stayed with him and he knew he wouldn't be able to get rid of it until he faced Sam.

The door opened and Leo was surprised at the emotion he felt on seeing Sam. He stepped into the apartment and pulled Sam into a hug, clapping him on the back a couple of times before letting go. "How're you doing, kid?"

"I'm good. I'm feeling a lot better now." Sam gestured to the sofa and then sat in the chair opposite. "I'm really grateful to you for organising Judy."

Leo waved a hand in the air dismissing Sam. "That was nothing, I was glad to be able to help. It's working out okay?"

"Yeah, she's great and I know I'm getting more therapy than I would through the hospital so I really appreciate that."

"Is there anything else you need?"

"No, my mom stays weekends and everyone drops by all the time. I'm hardly on my own at all." Sam sat back, aware that he was perching on the edge of the chair.

Leo reached into his pocket, "I bought you something." He handed him a small package. "Toby said you already had enough books to read so I thought you might appreciate this."

Sam unwrapped the present to reveal a narrow case. He opened it and looked at the fountain pen inside. "It's beautiful, Leo."

"It's cocobolo wood, whatever that is. I know you can't use it yet but I thought it could be something to work towards when you are doing your physical therapy."

Sam stared at the pen and found that he didn't know what to say. Leo had handed it over as if it was something he had picked up on his way at the drugstore, but Sam knew the thought that had gone into and its meaning. "Thank you," was all he could think to say.

Leo had been planning how he was going to ask Sam about coming back to work. Somehow it had seemed a lot easier in the car on the way over. Suddenly Sam asked him if he wanted some coffee and Leo was pleased for the diversion so that he could plan another way into the conversation.

They had stayed in the kitchen after the coffee was made. Sam hadn't used the filter machine since he had been home and Leo tried to pretend he couldn't see Sam's left handed attempts at lifting the jug from its base. When he realised that Sam was finding it hard to pour the scalding liquid, Leo took the cups from the table over to the side and took over.

They remained at the table as they drank, talking of trivial things. Eventually Leo placed the cup down and folded his arms. "So, have the doctors given you any idea of when you'll be okay to return to work?" He had decided the blunt approach would work best.

"Oh! Well…I don't know if I'm…I mean I really hadn't given it…I can't even," Sam sighed, "I don't know, Leo," he said, echoing what he had told Josh.

Do you blame me? That is what Leo wanted to ask Sam. Do you blame me for not persuading the President to negotiate? Do you think that we could have done more? Are you glad that your father said what he did? "That's understandable, Sam. Give it some thought and then let me know. There's no rush."

"I will." Sam stood and Leo went into the living room and picked up his coat.

"Make sure you talk to me before you make any decisions about work" Leo called as he pulled on his coat and walked towards the elevator.

Sam picked up the pen and took it out of the case. He walked over to the bureau and pulled a piece of paper from the drawer. Holding the pen in his right hand he began to slowly make the shape of an S on the paper. There was no ink in the pen but Sam could see the mark left on the soft paper by the nib. He placed a dot after the letter and began the downward stroke of the letter N. The S was badly formed, and the N was illegible. Sam made four more attempts before cursing, placing the pen back in its box and putting it in the drawer.

CJ had read the same article three times and it hadn't got any better. She was hoping that maybe she had misread it or that if she kept reading it the letters would magically form a different order, but they hadn't. She lifted up the newspaper and went to Toby's office. He was sitting at his desk scanning the index of a book.

"I take it you haven't read this yet," CJ said knowing that if he had, he wouldn't be sitting calmly at his desk.

"Hold on," Toby muttered as he turned the pages of the book. He ran his finger down the page and then cried, "Got it!" He called for Bonnie as he slipped a piece of paper to mark his place. Bonnie appeared at the door and CJ sat down and waited for Toby to finish doing whatever was so important. He gave the book to Bonnie opening it up and showing her the page. "Copy this and email it to Sam and tell him that my hat remains uneaten."

"Uneaten?" Bonnie clarified.

"Yes…no, tell him this- say that I would offer him some of my hat to eat but he is probably full up on humble pie."

Bonnie left to complete her task and Toby turned to CJ, "I have this ongoing debate with Sam about in which speech-" Toby saw the expression on her face. "What?"

"Sam's father is quoted in the New York Times as saying," CJ unfolded the paper and read from it, "My son is doing very well and has no immediate plans for the future although I hope that the Seaborn and Jackson headed paper may soon read, Seaborn, Jackson and Seaborn." She let the paper drop into her lap.

"He doesn't have the first idea what Sam is going to do. Sam doesn't have the first idea. He hasn't even been to visit since Sam got home. What does he hope to achieve by sprouting this crap?"

"Well, he just got the firm's name in the New York Times so I suppose there's that."

"You know what I think this is?" Toby asked without waiting for a reply, "This is Sam's father using what has happened to weasel his way back into his life."

"Whatever it is, it's making my life harder. I can't keep fielding questions about Sam returning to work. The first comment about us not helping Sam opened up a can but this one has revealed all the wiggly worms."

"That's very profound," Toby said. "No, really, you should write that down and include it in your memoirs."

"What are we going to do?"

"I know what we need, what would help," Toby looked at CJ and could see that she knew as well.

"We need Sam to make a statement," CJ said and she sunk back against the sofa. "I'm not asking him."

"Neither am I," Toby replied as CJ stood. "Where are you going?"

"To tell Josh that he's wearing a fantastic suit today."

"He won't want to do it either." Toby scratched his beard. "You better ask him if he's been working out as well." CJ smiled and headed towards Josh's office.

Josh was sitting at his desk handing Donna files from a large pile, "That one…and that one…I need that one…take this…and this…might as well have this too and-"

"Josh, just give me the pile," Donna ordered impatiently.

"This isn't a pile. There's an order to the way that I've stacked these files and I can't just hand them over as if they're-" Josh stopped talking as Donna leant in front of him and grabbed the pile of files from his desk. "Or you can just do that. That works as well." He blew out a deep breath and said hey to CJ as she entered his office after Donna's exit.

"Hey, Josh. That's a nice suit you've got on there. Makes you look quite the man about Washington. Have you been going to the gym recently?"

Josh stood up and walked over to chalk-board. "What do you want, CJ?"

"Toby and I have been talking and we think Sam should make a statement."

Josh's hand stilled on the chalk board but he didn't turn around. "I thought we'd said that was a bad idea."

"We did."

"And it's a good idea now because…"

"Because Sam's father isn't going to go away. He's made another comment, this time about Sam not returning to the White House. The longer we go without a statement from Sam, the longer this story is going to build momentum and we both know there's more to it than a couple of soundbites and speculation."

Josh placed the chalk back on the top of the board. "He won't do it and I don't blame him."

"Josh-"

"No, hang on, why should he make a statement just because his father is making life difficult for us? He doesn't care about the administration at the moment, he doesn't care about spin or image or polling." Josh's voice was rising with each word but he was still calm enough to go over and shut the door before continuing. "The other day when we were talking about him coming back he gave me a list of reasons why he couldn't. Damn it, he said Bartlet when he referred to the President and it wasn't a slip of the tongue and don't tell me that doesn't mean anything because we both know that when Sam calls the President of the United States by his surname, it means something!"

CJ said nothing. She watched Josh brush his hand furiously over his hair and mutter a curse before she replied. "I hear everything you're saying and as Sam's friend I agree with you. Now tell me as Deputy Chief of Staff why a statement is a bad idea."

Josh closed his eyes and let his head drop to his chest. He put his hands on his hips and sighed deeply. "I'll go see him this morning."

CJ got up off the desk and walked over to him. She placed her hand on his chest and started to say something but Josh shook his head. "You better get ready for the briefing. Donna's got some notes about the forest fires for you." CJ removed her hand and moved it to Josh's shoulder patting it gently before leaving.

Josh pulled up outside Sam's apartment and unclipped his seatbelt but didn't get out of the car. He let his head fall against the headrest and closed his eyes. Toby had hidden from him, he had no doubt of that, and after CJ had left his office she had disappeared too. Josh decided he would do what they wanted because he knew on a political level they were right. He also knew that for Sam's sake, making a statement now would save a lot of aggravation later on. Those thoughts didn't help the tightening in his stomach that had started when he had left his office and were now becoming definite pangs of anxiety at the thought of what Sam's reaction might be.

He glanced at his watch and decided to phone Sam first in case he was still asleep. It was late morning but Josh knew that when Judy didn't come Sam sometimes stayed in bed until lunchtime. He had also stayed over enough times to know that Sam didn't always fall asleep until early in the morning. The phone rang and Josh looked out at the street ahead.

Sam's apartment was next to a small row of shops. He watched the people bustling along the sidewalk. A woman, who was walking almost sideways along it, caught his eye. She was trying to look behind her at something beyond Josh's view. He noticed that other people were glancing behind too as they walked towards his car. Josh craned his neck to try to see what they were looking at. He could see a small group huddled around a doorway. One man stepped into the group and then backed out again, his hands held up as if in surrender. Josh was still holding the phone to his ear but on realising that Sam wasn't going to answer he snapped it shut and tapped it absently on his chin. He got out of the car and as he took the first step he glanced back at the scene further down the sidewalk. He could see that some of the group had dispersed but what he saw next made him drop the cell phone in his pocket and walk quickly towards the huddle of people.

He wasn't sure until he was closer; the snatch of dark hair, the black sweater and faded jeans had all seemed familiar on first glance. But now that he was closer he realised for sure that he hadn't been mistaken and it was Sam that the group was huddled around. He started to run.

He pushed past the onlookers and towards Sam who was frantically trying to pull open a door that had the word 'push' written clearly above the handle.

Josh placed his hand on Sam's shoulder and immediately regretted it as Sam flung around and pushed Josh flat against the wall. Now that someone was taking charge the onlookers started to disperse to a distance where they could be uninvolved but still stare.

"Sam!" The arm that Josh had placed on Sam was now pinned against the wall by Sam's left hand. His right hand was placed on Josh's chest. Josh didn't move. He knew that at the moment Sam wasn't even aware of whom Josh was.

"Sam," Josh repeated and this time Sam frowned at him, his forehead creased in confusion. "It's alright, calm down, it's okay. It's me, Josh, just try to calm down."

Sam's hand slipped from Josh's chest and he let go of his wrist leaving him with nothing to hold on to. He staggered slightly and Josh lowered him to the pavement.

Now that there was just a man sitting down on the sidewalk to look at, the crowd started to disperse.

"Do you think you can stand?" Josh asked. Sam shook his head so Josh stayed where he was, squatting beside him. The manager of the store came out and inspected the door handle for damage before asking Josh to remove his drunken friend from the front of his premises.

"He's not drunk you jackass, he's ill!" Josh shouted and at the sound of it, Sam pulled on Josh's arm and rose slowly to his feet.

"Get me out of here," he mumbled and Josh held him up and guided him back towards his apartment throwing a disdainful glance at the shopkeeper as he passed.

As they approached the steps, Sam tightened his grip and nodded his head towards Josh's car.

"What? Do you want me to take you to the hospital?" Josh asked, panicked.

"No, sit in car…for a minute…just a minute." Josh helped Sam around to the passenger's side and managed to open the door and keep Sam upright at the same time. He ran around to the driver's side and got in.

He leaned below Sam and adjusted the seat so that he was able to lie back. "Just try to relax," Josh urged him while he took in the paleness, shaking and rapid breathing of his friend.

Sam did as he was told and sunk into the seat. He closed his eyes and tried hard to slow his breathing. Josh sat sideways and stared at him. He knew Sam was trying to calm down but he didn't think he was having much success. "Do you need a doctor, Sam?" there was no reply. "Sam! Do you want me to call your doctor?"

Sam shook his head and rubbed a shaking hand across his forehead. He breathed in deeply twice, mumbled, "Oh shit," and fumbled with the door handle before managing to swing it open just in time. Josh didn't know whether to stay where he was go to Sam. He settled for staying in his seat but leaned over and rubbed Sam's back until he stopped heaving. Sam collapsed back into the seat and pulled the door closed again. "Sorry, can we sit here…bit longer?"

"Yeah, sure, do you need me to-" Josh was going to say do anything, but Sam shook his head and closed his eyes again. Josh didn't know what had happened. He guessed that Sam was having some sort of anxiety attack but he couldn't work out why. He leaned forward suddenly as a thought struck him, "Did somebody hurt you? Did something happen?"

Sam turned to Josh and looked at him for the first time since he had flung him against the wall. "No…no…nothing like that. I had to get out of apartment but then couldn't cope with sidewalk, too much like before so I started…panic, I panicked…will have to live on my boat," Sam joked but Josh wasn't interested in jollying him along.

"I'm going to call your doctor. You don't look too good." He reached for his cell but Sam grabbed for his arm.

"No don't, no need, really…feel better."

"Yeah? Well I'd feel better if you stopped shaking and gasping and started speaking in full sentences."

Sam looked at Josh and rolled his eyes, the effect would have been greater if he hadn't immediately closed them and sunk back against the seat. Josh waited a few moments and then suggested going up to the apartment. He followed Sam up and waited while he searched fruitlessly for his keys.

"Good job I've got a spare," Josh said as he reached past Sam and opened the door. Once inside, Sam walked over to the sofa and started to right the coffee table that lay on its side.

"Jesus, Sam, what happened?" Josh crouched down beside him and picked up the items that had fallen off the table.

"I told you, it was a panic attack, that's all," Sam had no intention of telling Josh about how he had fallen asleep on the sofa, woken from a nightmare and then ran panicked from his apartment and the walls that were closing in on him. He certainly wasn't going to tell him how he had made it outside only to discover that every person on the sidewalk had seemed a threat and he had suddenly found he had nowhere safe to go. Josh righted the table and placed the things back on it.

"Tell me what happened?"

"Nothing happened!" Sam shouted and his fury took Josh by surprise. "Nothing happened," he repeated in a quieter voice. "Why is it so hard for you to accept that I had a panic attack? What do you think lying in an empty room waiting for a man to come and beat the shit out of you every night does to the nervous system?" Sam walked away into the kitchen. Josh followed him.

"Of course I accept that you had a panic attack. I just don't understand why you went outside and in a big enough state to leave without your keys." Josh waited for Sam to finish the water he was drinking and turn around. A part of him wanted to get Sam to open up and tell him more about what had happened to him but he knew that in the state Sam was in, it would probably do more harm than good.

"I panicked, Josh. Panic isn't an emotion that you usually associate with logical thought processes. Can we just drop it?"

"Yeah, sure." Josh studied Sam. He did look better than he had and he was clearly in no mood to discuss what had happened.

"Is Judy calling today?"

"Yeah, she's due at one."

"Okay, you should go sleep or at least lie down on the sofa. I better get back to the office." Josh followed Sam back into the living room. He had almost forgotten the true purpose of his visit until Sam stopped before opening the door and asked him why he had come.

"It was nothing, it can wait." Josh hugged him goodbye and tried to ignore how awkward it felt. He watched the door close and then walked towards the elevator. He knew Toby would be pissed, but Josh was just relieved that he hadn't been able to ask Sam about the statement.