Chapter Eighteen
Josh woke to two sounds that were unfamiliar; muted traffic and the ticking of a clock. It only took him a few moments to remember he had stayed at Sam's and a few moments more to remember why. He pulled the comforter back over his exposed feet and snuggled further underneath it. He sat up again and switched on the lamp. He was thirsty but too comfortable to get out of bed. He stayed like this for a while longer before deciding that his thirst was going to stop him getting back to sleep and reluctantly pulled the covers back.
He tiptoed carefully to the door, mindful of Sam asleep on the sofa in the living room. When he pulled the door, a shaft of light entered the bedroom. He peered around the doorjamb. Sam wasn't asleep on the sofa he was sitting at his bureau in the corner of the room. Josh stepped back but continued to stare. He couldn't see Sam's face and what he could make out was cast in shadows, but Josh could see that Sam was writing. The white paper was illuminated in the arc of lamplight and Josh could see Sam's hand clearly. Josh knew that he should go back to bed closing the door softly behind him but he didn't. He couldn't seem to tear himself away from the sight of Sam sitting at his desk, blanket pulled around his shoulders and pen poised in his hand.
Josh froze as Sam sighed and muttered a curse. The sound of paper being torn from the pad and screwed into a ball was amplified by the quiet of the night. Sam ran his hand over the clean sheet and picked up the pen again. Josh bit his lip as he saw, for the first time, Sam's slow and measured movements. As much as he hated the analogy, Josh couldn't help but be reminded of a child working earnestly to produce his neatest handwriting.
Suddenly Sam stopped writing and the paper was ripped from the pad and sent in the same direction as the previous page. Josh followed its route to the floor and saw that several other sheets had met a similar fate. Sam ran a hand over his face and took a deep breath. He picked up the pen and again smoothed over the clean sheet. He started to write but it only took a few strokes of the pen before the sheet was ripped, screwed up and thrown away. The pen followed its path and clattered against the wall accompanied by a hissed curse of Sam's. He leant over and placed his head in his hands.
Josh couldn't go over to him and let Sam know he had been watching. Instead he stayed where he was. 'Come on, Sam, pick it up, pick up the damn pen,' Josh urged and he almost wondered if he had said it out loud as Sam sat up and reached down to retrieve the pen from the floor. He stared at it for a while and then threw it into the waste-bin. Josh had to duck behind the door as he had sighed so loudly. When he looked back again, Sam was taking another pen out of a box. He held it up and turned it slowly in the lamplight. He placed one hand on the side of the sheet and slowly began to write. This time Sam didn't stop, he didn't rip the page out and he didn't curse, he just kept writing.
Josh decided he could do without the water and went back to bed.
When he woke again he fumbled for his cell phone lifting it to his ear before realising that the shrill tone was the sound of the alarm he had set, not the ringtone. He ran a hand through unruly hair before getting up and walking into the living room. He could hear the shower running and so set about pouring a coffee and toasting the bread that Sam had left out.
The lamp in the living room was still on and it was the only light apart from a crack of sunshine that squinted through the curtains. Josh wandered around the room, coffee cup in hand, before stopping in front of a collection of photographs. He smiled at the picture of him and Sam shaking hands at the entrance to the West Wing. It had been taken by the official photographer who had spent a day taking pictures of the new staff as they moved into the building. Josh looked for the picture of the President and Sam that had been taken on the same day but it was missing from the collection. He took a swig of coffee and placed his cup on the bureau sending a pencil rolling off it in the process. He bent down to pick it up from where it had landed by the waste bin which was overflowing with the paper Sam had thrown away last night. Josh put the pencil back on the desk and stood indecisively before bending down and pulling out one of the screwed up balls of paper.
The sheet was covered with Sam's name. Josh looked at the uneven script and understood why so many pieces of paper had landed in the bin. He was about to shove it back in when the name on another piece of paper caught his eye- Laurie. He glanced back at the bathroom and hearing the water still running, pulled the paper from the bin.
Josh and Sam had never talked about Laurie after the photo had appeared in the papers. Josh assumed that Sam had stopped seeing her and didn't want to know if they still kept in touch. He had heard that Laurie was working at a Boston law firm and often wondered if the few weekend breaks Sam had taken in Boston were with her. Sam had never volunteered the information and Josh had never asked.
Sam started by apologising for his handwriting and then went on to let Laurie know that he would like to take her up on her offer to come and stay with her during the trial. Josh only read a few lines of the next paragraph before scrunching the paper back up and shoving it back in the trash. In it, Sam told Laurie that Judy had told him that his middle two fingers were likely to be deformed.
Josh picked up his cup and went back to the sofa. The door to the shower opened and Sam emerged wrapped in a robe. He called a 'hey' to Josh before walking into his bedroom. By the time he came out Josh was on his second cup of coffee. "Sam, I read some of your letter to Laurie, I saw it by accident and when I saw her name…I always wondered if you kept seeing her…and when I saw her name…so I read it, a few lines then I stopped but I read enough to know, I read what you said about…I read enough," Josh finished lamely. He had been expecting Sam to react angrily but was surprised at the cause of it.
"You looked at my handwriting!" Sam shouted and walked towards the bin. "I can't believe you! It's trash, Josh," Sam said as he pushed the paper further into the bin. "That's why I threw it away."
"I know. I'm sorry." Josh ignored the pang of jealousy that he felt at the thought that Sam didn't mind Laurie seeing his handwriting. He stood up and walked over to him. "It's just that I saw you last night. I was going to get some water and I saw you sitting here, scribbling away. I was just curious as to what you were writing I guess."
Sam sighed and lowered his head. He raised his eyes though and looked at Josh and shook his head. "You rummaged in my trash?"
"Yeah."
"How low is that?"
"It's pretty low," Josh agreed.
Sam smiled and shook his head again. "Make me a coffee."
Josh returned a short while later and placed the cups in front of the sofa where Sam now sat.
Sam took a long sip and cradled the cup in his lap. "You said you'd read enough, what did you read?"
"Just that you were staying with Laurie during the trial, and…I just saw a line about your hand but I stopped reading there."
"After the photo, I didn't speak to Laurie for a while-"
"Sam, really, you don't need to tell me this."
Sam continued as if Josh hadn't spoken. "She moved to Boston a few months later and then we got in touch again. She's working at Hanley Bates. She's doing great. When she found out that the trial is going to be in Boston she offered straight away."
The trial had been another subject that Sam wouldn't talk about. They all knew Mael's trial was coming up and that Sam was meeting with lawyers from the White House to prepare for it but whenever anyone had broached the subject with Sam he would tell them the preparation was going well and then change the subject. "I know that Ron wanted me holed up in some hotel surrounded by agents but we compromised and they are going to camp out at Laurie's instead. It's stupid, it's not like a member of the FARC is going to try and stop me testifying."
"Yeah, well, you'll excuse us if we don't want to take that chance," Josh replied.
Sam shrugged, the thought that they'd taken a chance with his life once before crossed his mind but he ignored it.
"What about the other thing?" Josh asked tentatively.
"There's not much to tell. My two middle fingers haven't healed well and will always be slightly deformed." Sam was unaware of how he slipped his hand beneath his leg as he talked.
"You'll get your strength back in them though right?"
"Judy says I will. I just need to keep working at it."
Sam had been so candid with Josh last night and this morning that Josh decided he might as well see how far he could push. "I'm not going into work this weekend. Do you want to do anything? Maybe we could check out that new Italian or something?"
Sam started to shake his head and was about to come up with a string of excuses for why he couldn't go but Josh stopped him in mid-sentence. "Sam, the trial is only a few weeks away. If you're seriously thinking about going to stay in Boston, I think you should try and get so that you can actually go outside of your apartment."
"I can go outside of my apartment!"
"Yeah, sure, Sam." Josh stood up and walked towards the bathroom. "Sometimes I think I should have left you that day I found you on the sidewalk. You'd still be there now probably, pulling at the door with the big 'push' sign on it."
"I was having a panic attack I hardly think I-" Sam stopped talking when he heard the bathroom door shutting and resigned himself to shopping, a meal and a trip outside his apartment with Josh.
Josh emerged from the spare room to find Sam switching on his cell phone ready to take with him.
"Hey, nice phone, gizmo man. When did you get that?"
Sam shoved the phone into his pocket. "A couple of weeks ago."
"I thought you'd already upgraded." Josh said as he grabbed his keys and wallet.
"I didn't get my old one back," Sam explained.
Josh stopped looking for his coat and turned towards Sam. "Shit, man, I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking."
Sam shrugged and walked towards the door. "It was the only thing I didn't get back."
"Did you get your watch back?" Josh asked. He had noticed Sam hadn't been wearing it but had thought nothing of it. Sam's mother had given it to him on his first day at the White House and Josh knew the sentimental value it held. "Where's your watch?" Josh asked again.
Sam sighed and turned to face Josh. "It's in a plastic Returned Personal Items bag behind Judy's equipment in the spare room."
"Okay…that's…okay." Josh followed Sam to the door. He was still greatly relieved that Sam had agreed to venture out of his apartment and he could tell from Sam's body language that if he was pushed on the subject of the watch only one of them would be leaving, and it wouldn't be Sam. "You're buying lunch, by the way, it's part of the healing process," Josh said as he walked past Sam and opened the door.
Sam joined in with the banter but made a mental note to make sure Josh wasn't around when he paid. He really didn't want him to see that he didn't have his wallet on him anymore either.
Sam was alright inside the shops, and he was alright inside the restaurant, what he couldn't cope with was the sidewalk. Josh had kept close to him to start with until Sam had complained that he was making him feel worse. Josh had then tried walking a few steps behind but decided he didn't like that because he couldn't see Sam's face. He hurried along and walked in front of Sam but had to keep turning to make sure he was okay and after he had walked into three people, Sam grabbed his arm and told him to stop acting like an idiot.
As they approached the mall at Georgetown Park the sidewalk became busier. Despite his earlier frustration at Josh's actions, Sam now kept close to him. Josh kept up a stream of chatter but Sam still found himself becoming more anxious as he walked through the crowd of strangers. Blurred faces flashed by him, interspersed with flashes of colour and sound. A red scarf caught his eye and then vanished, a man's hacking cough blasted in his ear, a strong perfume wafted past him and the sickening scent seemed to linger. Still Sam moved forward, catching occasional glimpses of Josh's head and following in that vague direction. They were near to the entrance and would have made it but just as they approached a man stepped towards Sam sideways from the flow of people. He touched Sam's arm and started to ask if he had a couple of minutes to answer a few questions but Sam had already pushed him away and darted into the middle of the road. Josh heard a car horn and turned around to find Sam standing in the road. He rushed over to him and grabbed his arm.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm combating my fear of sidewalks," Sam explained as another car swerved around him.
"Well this isn't helping my fear of being killed by a car!"
"This was your idea, Josh! Dragging me out of the apartment to prove a point, well you proved it so get me out of here!"
Josh held onto Sam's arm and yelled when he saw a taxi approaching. He waved his arm at it while dragging Sam back towards the edge of the sidewalk.
The taxi drew up and Josh bundled Sam inside. "National Art Gallery, please."
"Josh!" Sam complained. He just wanted to go home.
"Boston's a big place, Sam. You need to be out of your apartment for longer than five minutes!"
The cab pulled up and Josh paid and then again took hold of Sam's arm and pulled him towards the entrance to the sculpture garden.
"Is this some sort of sculpture therapy?" Sam asked as he followed Josh through the entrance.
"It's an outdoors thing. Let it never be forgotten that I am-"
"An outdoorsman, yeah, yeah. I was feeling safer when I was standing in the middle of the road."
"Just follow me," Josh mumbled before turning to look properly at Sam. "You okay?"
"Yes, Josh, I'm peachy."
Josh paid and led Sam through an entranceway.
"Wow!" Sam said as he walked through the door and into a beautifully landscaped garden. A kaleidoscope of colour met his eyes as he glanced around at the flowering shrubs and trees. At the centre of it all stood a fountain and as he looked at it, Sam became aware of the soothing sound of the water. "When did you discover this?"
"Last time my mom visited. She complained that I always took her to the same places so I got Donna to look for something different." Josh shrugged. "I like to come here to think."
Sam turned to him in surprise. "You do?"
"Well, no, but I often think that if I did go somewhere to think this would probably be the sort of place I'd go."
Sam smiled and wandered over to a seating area. Josh followed but made a detour to the pavilion and bought them both a tub of ice-cream. They sat in silence enjoying the peace and savouring the simple luxury of ice-cream, in a park, on a sunny day.
Sam walked towards the exit throwing his ice-cream tub into a trashcan on the way. They stood outside the main entrance and Sam raised his hand. A cab magically appeared and Josh shook his head at his friend's seeming ability to stop the traffic at will while he had to holler and wave his arms to get a cab. This time it was Sam's turn to surprise Josh with his choice of destination. "Colombian Embassy, please," he said as he sat down next to Josh.
Josh didn't say a word. He'd already had his own outing to the scene of Sam's abduction and totally understood why Sam might feel the need to go there again. Sam looked out of the window. When the car stopped he got out leaving Josh to pay while throwing anxious glances at Sam who was walking slowly towards the building. Josh got out of the cab and watched as Sam walked towards the door, stood for a moment and then slowly turned.
As Josh watched him walk away from the building he knew that he was retracing his steps just as Josh had done a few days earlier. Sam stopped and looked in front of him. He was staring at where Josh and Toby had been standing. He turned and looked behind him. "Is that where the van was?"
Josh walked over to where he had been standing when Toby and fear had stopped. He looked at Sam and nodded, "It pulled up just about there."
Sam looked at the road behind him. When he turned around again, Josh was amazed at how tired he suddenly looked.
"Shall we head off?" Josh asked.
Sam nodded and waited while Josh hailed yet another cab. By the time they arrived at the apartment, Sam was finding it difficult to keep his eyes open. Josh followed him up the stairs and collected his belongings from his stay the night before. "Will you be okay?"
"I'm just going to go to bed I think. I don't know why I'm so tired all of a sudden." Sam walked to the front door and opened it for Josh. "Thanks, for today and last night and for…just…thanks."
"No problem, we all just want to help. You know that don't you?"
Sam nodded and rubbed at his eyes. "I do."
Josh threw his bag over his shoulder but made no move to go.
"It's fine," Sam assured him. "I'm fine. I'll see you on Monday."
Josh's eyes widened. "You're coming in?"
Sam shrugged, "I saw all those gifts in my office you'll only steal them if I don't."
Josh smiled and waited for Sam to return it before he finally turned and started down the corridor.
Sam could smell the flowers even before he entered his office. He walked in and threw his coat over a chair before reading the tags on the flowers and gifts. He had been constantly surprised at the number of greetings and gifts he had received in the hospital and now he felt overwhelmed again by the good wishes of his friends and colleagues welcoming him back to work. He hadn't seen Toby arrive and was equally unaware of him standing in the doorway.
"I hadn't realised you were so popular. I might have to start being nicer to you," Toby said as he entered the room.
Sam smiled absently and continued reading the messages. When he had finished he sat down at his desk and picked up the pile of cards that had been left for him. "Leo phoned me last night."
Toby sat down in front of the desk. He knew exactly what Leo had told Sam but he wanted to hear Sam's interpretation of it.
"He said that I won't be working on any policy issues or involved in meetings but that you have a number of speeches that I need to work on and that the Counsel's office have some documents that they need me to check the wording on. It means I won't be going to staff meetings or any meetings in the Oval Office." Sam put the cards down and looked up at Toby. "He's made it so that I don't have to see the President hasn't he?"
"Yes," Toby answered. He knew Sam would see through Leo's plan immediately and although he could sense that Sam was uncomfortable with it, he could also see the relief Sam felt at not having to face the President again just yet. "The trial is in two weeks, concentrate on that and then you can deal with what's going on here."
"Am I in the way?" Sam asked quietly.
"No, you're where you belong," Toby stated and he stood up and walked back into his office.
Sam knew they were bending over backwards to accommodate him and he appreciated it. He was glad to be back at work, glad to feel safe and be occupied. He didn't feel like he belonged here though and he wondered whether he ever would again.