Liberty City was home. Besides home, it was also a greasy, slimey little town covered in gangs warring over the Slurpy machine at the local 7-11, and women wanting you to pay them to take their clothes off. Mario had never really taken to them, since most of them were crawling with every STD known to man, and for the most part, were missing teeth. Eitherways, he'd learned to stay as far away from them as possible. The cops were liable to think you were bargaining with them, and chase you down if you so much as slow down near one.
Besides that, this place had the distinct smell. Alot like Brooklyn, New York. Just with less mileage. If you could cross it going a hundred in a few minutes, then it certainly wasn't Brooklyn. Even so, the smell brought back memories. Memories of his brother, and the time they took that crappy job doing the 'Mario Dance', when they had to invite little kids over to watch episodes of Super Mario World, and Legend of Zelda on Fridays. Then that little bastard Luigi had to fuck it up for them and touch one behind the furnace. The cops were all over them like white on rice, but nothing the local Paint Shop couldn't fix. It's a shame OJ didn't think about it.
Now that son of a bitch had gone and done it. For some odd reason, all the Paint Shops were closed in Liberty City when the cops were on them. He had to get out of town for a while, but the minute he heard the Luigi was macking his bitch, Princess Peach, there was some hell to pay. And he knew just the people to give him hell. First, however, he needed contacts. He reached over for the small white and blue box, and busted out some of those new flimsy-glass things that act just like glass, but were too.. squishy.. for their own good. He quickly slipped them in, and turned the key to turn on his van. On the side it read, 'The Plumbers: If Your Sink Is In Trouble, Call Us On The Double'. It reminded him of his old job.
His first stop was to see an old friend. A friend as old as he could remember. He met him while he was on vacation. Though his friend had an unsatiable appetite for berries and cookies, he seemed to also be bisexual. He shit out eggs alot, resulting in his own little army of bastard children that made up ninety percent of his gang.
"Woahhh! Look who it is! It's my old friend, Mario! What're you doin' in this neck of the woods, Mario?" That fat-ass, Yoshi, sat in his nest. Around him, in small incubators, were eggs no larger than your foot. Several Pink and Purple Yoshi, obviously the bitches of the gang, patrolled them as if they were guards, charged with guarding gold at Fort Knox. It was an amusing sight at first, but seeing his old friend shitting out eggs each time he ate a small bird-like creature, in this case, a turkey disappearing into his gaping maw, was rediculously disturbing.
One of the eggs near him hatched, and immediately began bitching for food. Yoshi were intelligent, and made up more than half of the Yoshkuza gang. Fortunately, the women were alot less timid, and once you had one, they were always at your beck and call. Plus, they gave good head. Eitherways, Mario drifted free of drifting thoughts and got straight to the point.
"That bitch Luigi has gone too far. He took Daisy from me, and I forgave him. We're brothers, right?" Mario began, looking to see if Yoshi was listening. Noting that Mario was looking for some sign that he was listening, Yoshi quickly took up a half-cooked chicken and swallowed it whole, shitting out a small white and green speckled possible bastard child. One of the pink yoshi quickly moved over to pick it up, making sure to bow her head as it was placed on an incubator. "Right. Well, now he's been mackin' my bitch, Princess Peach. As if having Daisy isn't enough, he's got to have Peach."
"Eh. She's a whore anyways, Mario. I say you should have a true woman, eh? How about one of these Pink or Purple ones?" Yoshi inquired, motioning towards the female of the room, who immediately bowed their head in respect.
"Sorry, Yoshi. I don't swing that way. But maybe a favor later." Mario adjusted the white gloves on his hands. He always enjoyed the white gloves, but most people thought he had some weird Micheal Jackson complex. Those people quickly wound up dead. "For now, I just need some support so I can take out that mother fucker Luigi."
"Easier said than done. I've been having alot of trouble lately with the Bob-Ombs. Little bastards are like terrorists, y'know? They just waddle their black asses right up to us and blow up. We've been losing alot of men to Bob-Ombs, and I just can't shit them out fast enough to replace them. I want you to head over to the Bob-Omb factory and blow it up. They're looking for Yoshi to kill, not you. You'll be able to get in easy. I want you to contact 8-Ball. He'll get you hooked up with the shit you need." Yoshi explained, shitting out another green speckled egg. Mario quickly turned before he could see the results.
8-Ball lived in a run-down home. It made alot of sense. Most of the cops wouldn't dare look for him there. And if they did, they'd likely blow up. Mario quickly hopped out of his van, crossing the gravel to the screen door. Screen door out of the way, and he slowly made his way inside. Oddly enough, he'd had to cross a bright blue column of light. Some sort of identification device or something. Eitherways, once he got to the door, a Pink Bob-Omb met him.
"What the fuck?! Oh.. you're that fat-bitch plumber Yoshi sent to me. Sit your pasta-lovin' ass down on the couch and i'll have your explosives for you in a second. Tanya! Bitch! Get in here and help me on the table again, you ever-lovin'.. I swear to GOD!" The Pink Bob-Omb waddled his way over towards the middle of the kitchen, just as a Pink Yoshi stepped into the room. She quickly picked him up with her tongue, and set him on the table. "That's right, bitch. Put that tongue to good use. Now make yourself disappear!"
While the Yoshi passed by Mario to make her way into the bedroom, he crossed to sit on the couch. "So.. you're 8-Ball? I was expecting a Bob-Omb painted black and white.. but whatever." Mario shrugged, leaning back, watching the demolitions expert do his thing.
8-Ball quickly lifted his body towards him, narrowing his eyes. "Listen, bitch. It would be wise not to piss me off. If I get mad, I tend to explode. And when I explode, every MOTHER FUCKER in a five mile radius is gonna feel it. I'm a walking nuke, man! A WALKING NUKE!"
Mario quirked an eyebrow, watching the walking bomb get back to work. In only ten minutes time, a small bundled explosive was kicked his way. "Here's your explosives, bitch. I want fifty coins."
"Fifty coins! I thought Yoshi was paying for this!" Mario said in utter disbelief, quickly standing and picking up the bundle.
"Listen, plumber. Fifty bucks, and you can keep that explosive. Otherwise, Yoshi won't be very happy. Sacrifices must be made, and if this job isn't done, Yoshi won't be very happy. And you know how he hates being unhappy."
"Fine, fine." Mario murmured lowly, digging through his wallet. He threw the fifty gold coins on the floor, moving towards the door.
"A'ight, bitch! That's what i'm talking about! TANYA! Get in here and count this money, whore!"
The drowning of the screaming bomb was drowned out by the thick wooden door Mario closed behind him. He had places to go, bombs to destroy. He quickly turned his van around, and headed to the north, towards the small factory near the coast.
The coast was a little less lively. You had alot more honest, hard-working men here operating the crates and loading up boats than you did in the rest of the town. You'd find the ten most honest men here at the port, because that's how many people worked there. The factory operated itself. Besides that, the place was littered with Bob-Omb, and he had to make sure to park his van outside the gate, in the way of traffic. Though the traffic began to stack up, police passed by in the opposite direction and took no notice to it. Corrupt, greedy individuals they were, they cared little if you ran a red light right infront of them.
The groan of metal and the smell of the sea was the most dominant factor here, and besides that, the place was generally covered in smog. A light rain began as Mario shifted his way over the walking bombs that littered almost every inch of the area. As he turned a corner to begin collecting his things, a small hand tugged his shirt. "Yo, buddy.."
At first thought to be a bum, it was only a butch-looking Yoshi with shades and a spiky collar around his neck. A blue one, at that, and this one looked as if he could take a blast from a Bob-Omb and still get up. "Yoshi told me yous be needin' some firepower. Here.. take this.." Boshi murmured, slowly handing over the small firearm. "There.. ain't much ammo there, but it should help ya's out. Now I can have my cookies.." The yoshi slowly turned and moved to the corner, beginning to eat his favorite spiked product, the Yoshi Cookie. Everyone loved them, and that's because it was laced with crack. And so, most of Liberty City was addicted in some way, shape, or form. The industry was booming in Liberty City, and that's generally how the Yoshkuza gained their money.
With the small pistol in hand, Mario slipped it into the back of his overalls, and moved slowly towards the factory. It puffed out smoke, and the results of the production usually presented the nearby stack of mattresses with a small army of tumbling Bob-Omb every ten minutes. He slowly moved over to the door, and opened it, only to be greeted with the guard. A gigantic Bob-Omb.
"Holy Christ.." It didn't seem to notice him at first, and so, Mario continued into the factory. Over to the machine that seemed to create them, and he tied the small explosives to the machine. It released the Bob-Ombs one by one, but the chain reaction would be enough to halt production long enough for the Yoshkuza to wipe them off the map. He quickly set the tiny two-minute timer on the package, and turned to run. He only had two minutes to get out of there.. but they'd be the longest two minutes of his life.
"Hey.. hey! Where do you think you're going?!" Out of the shadows rushed a pack of small moles. "We've got your ticket out of here. Swimmin' with the fishies, plumber!" The moles began to charge him, but using his amazing jumping power, and thick boots, stomped on two of them, crushing their feeble little bodies. More moles began to come out of the shadows, meaning that his hopes of killing them in time were non-existant. He quickly turned and rushed out the door, the moles in hot pursuit. They made cute little growling sounds. They made him sick to his stomach. The explosion of the factory large enough that it caused a shockwave along the ground. He jumped over it (or else he'd lose a life, those bastards!), and turned around. The moles had all but been wiped out.
Mario sighed in relief, turning back towards his van.. which.. was non-existant. It was just a flaming heap of scrap, surrounded by dead corpses of bombs. He growled.. moving towards the long line of traffic. He had to pick out a sweet ride.. and quickly found a nice yellow corvette to take up. Opening the driver-side door, the driver and passenger were quickly extracted.. a Toad, and a Koopa. They shouted obscenities, then, as he drove away, went to walking as if nothing had ever happened.
"That mission was probably easy for you, Mario." That fat-ass Yoshi had returned to eating turkeys again.. which made Mario hope he'd fall asleep from that weird substance that's in them that make you tired. "But i'll have some jobs for you at sixteen hundred hours."
Mario slowly made his way outside, glancing down at his watch. He'd probably have to blow some time off until.. no, wait.. it was flashing 15:99 on his watch. He stared for a moment.. watching it turn to sixteen hundred hours, before slowly turning and walking back into the building.
"MARIO! We've been lookin' for you, pal." Something was definetely not right, but who was Mario to complain about doing two jobs in one day? Yoshi reached out to pat his old friend on the shoulder, but couldn't muster the energy to lean that far. "We hear that your operation went flawlessly. We gave Boshi a few more Yoshi Cookies this month.. and, as for you.. here's a few hundred coins for your trouble."
That was always good. Mario was getting back what he'd spent on explosives and then some. Still, that didn't put him any closer to Luigi and his gang. He quickly pocketed the coinage. "How kind of you." He murmured sarcastically.
"Yeah, yeah. I know you're eager to get the jump on Luigi, but me and the Yoshi's ("Or just the other Yoshi" Mario thought), have been seeking information on him for you. We'll inform you when it comes in. For now, we've got another job for you. There's a chicken processing plant outside the town that isn't paying up chicken for protection. We need you to go show them what happens when they mess with the Yoshkuza!"
Without a second thought, Mario turned and walked out the door, pistol still tucked safely in the back of his overalls.