Hey all! Sorry it took me so long to finish this fic up. I know I left it pretty much open ended, but my muse seemed to have run off on me. Thus, I'm finally resorting to forcing it out of me since it's been left far too long. Special thanks go out to Sadeyes, for taking the time to be a conscientious beta; for offering suggestions when my ever elusive muse seemed determined to prevent the ending from being written. Thanks for your patience as well...I only hope it lives up the wait I've put you all through ...:)
Lastly...as usual, I own nothing...if only I did...sigh
Chapter 9-Summer of 1981
Well the next year and a half were very stressful for me, both mentally and emotionally. After the whole Mexico trip, everything changed between Hyde and I. Despite my best attempts at repairing the situation, it seemed hopeless. The saddest part of it was that I knew there was no one I could blame for this rift but myself. I could barely get Hyde to even talk to me, and on the rare occasions when he WOULD say something, quite often I'd wished he hadn't.
Eventually I just gave up and let him be, figuring eventually he'd come to me...I mean, we were too close to let something like this come between us...right??? Unfortunately, after about six months of this, I realized that the situation was out of my hands. In spite of how much I loved him (which I had only just admitted to myself after I lost him...hindsight does have the uncanny ability of being 20/20 doesn't it?), I couldn't keep going like this...seeing him slowly rebuilding those walls of his everyday...the walls that I had once taken such pride in climbing over.
To make matters even worse, I'd found out through Eric and Jackie that he had recently been accepted to the culinary school in Madison and would be joining everyone there come September. He'd be so close, yet so far away, and I just couldn't handle that. It was far too painful.
So once the offer to take a year long co-op in California came along, I jumped on it, figuring it would give me some time away to mend my broken heart and start to move on. Plus, it would give me a chance to get away from the blossoming relationship between Eric and Jackie. Don't get me wrong, they're my best friends, and I'm nothing but happy for them. However, it only further drove home to me that which was missing in my own life. And my mother was still living there, and had apparently cleaned up her act, so I knew I'd have a place to stay.
Both Eric and Jackie tried to talk me out of going, and even to continue trying to talk to Hyde. They'd somehow managed to piece together what happened between us in Mexico with what few crumbs of information were tossed to them, and had been trying to get us back together ever since. Problem was, Hyde wasn't having it. And to be perfectly honest, considering how things ended, I didn't blame him. Still it hurt like hell though, and I just couldn't take the heartache anymore. I had to go...
San Diego, California-Donna's Mom's House-June 1982
I'd spent much of the last year working my ass off so I could finish off college with honours. Spent most of my evenings alone, either talking to Eric and Jackie or mourning the loss of what could have been. Somehow, I'd gotten to thinking that removing myself from the whole situation with Hyde would make it go away. Instead, I just got lonelier, and the calls from Eric and Jackie, Kelso, and Fez only seemed to make it worse. I was quite good at putting my best face on around my mom, and we bonded quite a bit in that time. I kind of wish I would've talked to her about it honestly. I mean, she'd been through some hard times herself and she probably could've really helped me out.
Most of the calls from Eric and Jackie were just updates on how they were doing in school, what living together was like (Jackie loved to complain about Eric's messy habits, which she felt we'd have some common ground with), and so forth. Every so often though, they would sneak in a little update about how Hyde was doing...anything from his latest culinary accomplishment, to how he reacted when they told him I was gone, and how he'd gotten even more moody than normal since I'd left. According to them, that was a sure sign that he missed me more than anyone knew.
I didn't go home from Christmas that year, though my dad became his typical blubbering mess when I told him that I'd be spending Christmas with my mom. I made sure to send him a new banjo in my Christmas package home, so suffice it to say, he didn't stay upset for very long. Without even thinking about it, I'd selected a special gift for Hyde...a diamond encrusted flask engraved with his initials on the front, and a hidden message on the bottom...'With Love, Donna'.
Only thing is, when it came time to send it, I burst into tears. I just couldn't do it, much as I wanted to. After all, we hadn't spoken to each other in months, though Eric and Jackie both made sure we had each other's address and phone number. I'd tried to call him so many times, and sometimes the line would even ring, but I just couldn't put myself through the rejection again. Not then anyway...
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the school year was over and I'd graduated. I got the call from Eric saying he'd graduated early since he'd taken a full course load, rather than the partial load his program required the last two years. I'd never been prouder of him, and I knew Jackie was thrilled to finally be able to have the future she felt she deserved.
However, that phone call also made me realize how much I missed my friends and family, and just how much I missed Hyde. He'd apparently made it through his first year of culinary school at the top of his class, having finally found his niche. I'd never been so happy for him, and wish I could've been there when he got the news. Though, according to Eric, he didn't seem as happy with his accomplishments as he should have, and that he had a feeling that probably had a lot to do with me. Jackie seemed to share that belief, and told me that whenever my name was mentioned, he'd get a fleeting look of sadness on his face, before he covered with his zen mask, and a look that said that topic was off limits. No one dared mention me again when that look had taken over his face since they didn't want to face an angry Steven Hyde...
Hearing that only told me what I knew inside all along. I had to go home. After all, I couldn't stay away forever. My home, friends, and pretty much everything I knew were there. Most of all, I had to see Hyde; attempt to clear the air between us, and see if the two of us ever stood a chance. Jackie and Eric seemed to think so...and though everyone seemed to think 'they' were totally mismatched, they'd managed to make it work, so I didn't see why we couldn't. I still felt guilty over how things were left between us, and wish I'd given it just one more try before I'd run away, but the only place I could move was forward. And if I wanted my future to be with Steven Hyde, then I had to go home and fight for him. Even if that fight was against him himself...
Just before I had gotten everything packed up and ready to go, I got a call from Jackie. Apparently my dad and the Formans had decided that we should have one last family vacation together now that Eric and I had graduated at Lake Michigan...and between her and Eric, they'd managed to convince Hyde to go, though from what she was saying, they'd had quite a fight on their hands. All I heard was her voice buzzing in the background after that as I strolled through memory lane to my very first kiss at that very spot...with none other than Steven Hyde. We were so young and innocent back then, totally carefree and clueless of what the future had in store for us. I really wish we could get a portion of those innocent and carefree days back, and realized that if we could, it would be there, where it all began...
Lake Michigan-The Forman/Pinciotti Cabin-Last Weekend in June 1981
By the time I arrived at the cabin, it was late and I was exhausted. Everyone was there to give me the large homecoming party they'd planned, showing me how much I was truly missed. My dad was the first to give me one of his classics, a crying Bob hug, telling me how proud he was of me...the first Pinciotti to graduate from college. Needless to say, this took quite a while for me to escape from. Eric and Jackie were next, with Jackie giving me a rather sad look, leaving me to wonder what could possibly be going on to prompt it. However, I found out the answer to that very shortly... Eric's parents hugged me next to welcome me back, and congratulate me for graduating. I looked around for Hyde, wondering where he was. Once I realized he wasn't there, a sad look crossed my face, which quickly turned to one of determination and irritation, and I turned to toward Jackie for an explanation. She only confirmed what I expected, that he'd decided he wasn't quite ready to see me, and had walked off by himself.
As tired as I was, I wasn't going to let him ignore me any longer and went out to look for him. But not before taking his Christmas present with me. The time for us to talk was long past. If everything went the way I wanted it to, I'd planned to finally give him his present tonight. However, knowing Hyde as well as I did, I expected to have one hell of a fight on my hands. This time though, I wasn't going to just let him hide behind those walls of his. I'd claw my way over them if I had to, but I was determined to get through. I just hoped that once I'd finally done so, that we could begin to get past this. More importantly, I hoped we'd be able to find our way back to each other. It had taken so long for me to realize how much I loved him, and I couldn't bear losing him now...before I'd ever even really had him.
What I didn't count on was it taking so long for me to find him...especially since he was pretty much exactly where I should've expected; leaning against an oak tree, joint between his fingers, overlooking the river where everything began all those years ago...
I just stood there for a few minutes to gather my resolve before approaching him quietly from behind the tree. I decided to start gently, hoping that would tell the tone of the conversation. I start with a tentative, "Hi." which he returns, looking slightly wary.
"Jackie told me you'd taken off out here after she realized I was looking for you, so I thought I'd come out and see if I could find you." I continued on, in an attempt to get the pleasantries out of the way and the conversation going.
"Yeah, I needed some air. Gets rather hot in that cabin at night for some reason. Wanna hit?" he tosses back. I was slightly surprised that he was so agreeable about me being there, considering what Jackie had told me back at the cabin. With a slight sigh of relief, I took the joint and sat in front of him creating an impromptu mini circle.
"What's that you're holding?" he asked, and gestured toward his present which I was still cradling in my other hand. "Just a good luck charm." I replied. He nodded and reached across for the joint I was passing back his way. He took a hit, leaned back against the tree and closed his eyes for a minute as though wondering what to say next.
Finally he came out with, "Congratulations...I heard you graduated man. I always knew you'd be one of the first..." He handed me what little remained of the joint before trailing off and looking at the ground. If I wasn't mistaken, this was his way of saying he was proud of me. And coming from him that means a lot. Particularly considering how rough things had been between us this past year.
"Thanks," I return quietly as I put out the remaining roach and hand to him, which he slides into his cigarette pack. "Jackie tells me you finished at the top of your class this year. That must've taken a lot of hard work. You must be proud."
He must've seen the look of pride on my face because he lit up like a kid at Christmas in response before uttering a quiet, "Thank you."
"You're welcome...but we both know I didn't come out here just for idle chit chat. Things have been awfully rocky between us ever since we all went to Mexico, and I think it's past time for us to talk about it..." I start with resolve, yet semi-tentatively, testing the waters.
His expression had turned dark and guarded, and out came a tense, irritable sounding, "Are you sure you want to talk about that with me right now Donna? Cause I don't..."
He'd looked like a caged, wounded wild animal...something you don't really want to approach too closely, in fear that it just may strike.
You know you've managed to get to Hyde when despite what had to be his best attempt; he's not able to put on his 'Zen face'. I should've taken that as a sign to back off, at least for the time being, but his reaction made me realize that I too, was angry...and that anger overrode my own guilt, as well as my reason.
Hell, 'he' was the one who'd closed me off so quickly and completely after what happened in Mexico, not even allowing me to explain or apologize...'and' despite having my address and phone number, he didn't bother trying to contact me the whole year I was away...trying to get over 'him'...feeling guilty for how I'd left things with 'him'...
"'You' don't want to talk about it?! Oh, boo hoo! I cry purple tears for you!" I screamed, rolling my eyes. "You always have to make everything about 'you'! What about 'me'?! Me...who spent this past year feeling guilty as hell for everything that happened between us?! Me...who spent my nights sitting by the phone waiting for you to call so we could get past this?! Me...who cried until there were no tears left because I never got the chance to tell you how much I've always loved 'you'...?!"
By this point, I was so fired up in my rant that 'nothing' could've stopped me...not even the look of complete and total shock on Hyde's face...and trust me, that's not an expression he wears often. I'd even failed to notice that the first time I'd openly admitted to him that I loved him, it was done like this. It certainly wasn't my preferred way of revealing that little piece of information. I mean, I'm not Jackie...who envisions banners and rainbows, unicorns and roses, but still...I never intended it to come out like this, especially when I was still so angry with him.
I continued my tirade continued without pause, as my face grew crimson with fury. "I waited 'all' this time to talk to you, and all you can say is, 'I don't wanna talk about it'?! You really are an asshole, you know that?! Eat this!" I finished, throwing his Christmas flask squarely at his head and stalking away without looking back.
I'd never been so angry and frustrated in all my life. Only 'he' could provoke me like this. Frankly, I was lucky the flask missed his head and fell to the ground, though I didn't find that out till later. Apparently some time later after he'd come out the daze my outburst had caused, his curiousity had gotten the better of him and he'd picked up the wrapped package, torn off the tissue paper surrounding it revealing the carefully selected present inside, and the secret message underneath...
Later that evening...
Eventually the adrenalin rush wore off, and I crumbled to the grass in fatigue. I hadn't gone back to the cabin as I'd needed some time to think without Jackie's persistent questions, and Eric's undoubted pity, neither of which could I handle at the moment.
That, and I didn't want Hyde finding me. The anger had drained, and with it had gone my courage to face him...particularly after what I had inadvertently revealed.
Unfortunately, it appeared that he had other plans, which weren't revealed until I finally raised my head from where it was resting on my knees. He was just standing there quietly looking at me holding the flask in his hands with a confused, uncomfortable, and slightly irascible look in his eyes. It looked like he'd been there a while...waiting for to look up and notice his presence.
Before I could even say anything, he began warily with, "You wanted to talk...fine, let's talk. You might want to start with explaining this..." He gestures to the inscription on the bottom of the flask he's holding tightly in his hands. "...along with the little comment you just made...you know, about loving me? Where the hell did that come from? You never showed any indication of feeling that way before...so what's the deal now?" he continues sarcastically.
I'd had my rant...it was only fair to give him his turn. So despite my better judgment, and my own climbing feelings of guilt, I kept my mouth shut until he was finished. It wasn't easy, but I did it.
"You claim you love me, and that you missed me, yet you never made the effort to pick up the phone and call 'me' this past year either! Not to mention the fact that every time I made the effort to get close to you in the past, you pushed me away as soon as things got too hot for you! You wondered why I didn't want to talk to you about it before...there's your reason! I gave up on you while I still had a shred of dignity and pride left!" he continued hot faced and clearly angry.
Judging by what he was saying, I couldn't blame him. I'd never seen it through his eyes before. I mean, I'd felt guilty for my actions in the past, but hearing things from his perspective only made me feel even more ashamed of myself.
After his long and heated outburst, the air seemed to have been knocked out of him; he slumped low to the ground, head hanging limply and the night grew deathly silent.
Long moments later, I realized that I had to say something. Just sitting here feeling guilty and sorry for myself wasn't going to make this whole mess go away. Considering the strength of his outburst, it was obvious that the next move was going to be up to me...and rightly so.
I can't say I still wasn't angry for his deliberate indifference this past year, but at least now I understood what lead him to it...and that something was 'me'. In my own stubbornness and fear with admitting my love for him, I'd managed to do the complete opposite of what I'd intended and pushed him away. Though how it could've done anything else is beyond me...just another case of how hindsight can really do a number on a person.
The problem I had was finding the words to make things right again. This had to be the most important conversation of my life, and everything I'd ever wanted or hoped for hinged on his reaction to what I had to say. To say that prospect was terrifying was being far too kind...however; I couldn't stay silent any longer.
"I'm 'so' sorry" I whispered quietly...so quietly in fact that I'm surprised he'd even heard me, a fact made obvious when he raised his head and looked at me...a mix of anger, sorrow...and if I wasn't mistaken, just the tiniest glimmer of hope.
That look gave me the courage I needed to go forward with my explanations. "Let me start at the beginning and answer the first question you asked." I continued.
He nodded at me, encouraging me to continue. "Without a second thought, I bought that flask for you back at Christmas...when I got the rest of the gifts I sent home. I had it engraved to reflect everything I felt for you at the time...and still do." I looked at the ground between my feet, then toward him quickly to see how he reacted to this piece of news.
When he just sat there looking at me intently, I simply continued on. "When I got everything together to send home, I noticed the flask in along with the other gifts. Honestly, I was surprised to see it, as I hadn't even remembered having bought it. Must have been an unconscious purchase on my part. In that moment, I fully intended to send it to you...hoping you'd see it and realize that despite everything I always 'had' loved you. But something was stopping me from placing it into the package..." I trailed off there, too overcome with emotion to continue and tears in my eyes.
He continued looking at me...a slight look of surprise crossing his features at the evident emotion on my face, but he quickly covered that with his 'Zen' expression. Again, with that damn 'Zen' expression. It's like he can never allow himself to feel anything...which can really get annoying at times...particularly times like this. He made no move to comfort me, which really grated when I was opening myself up so completely to him. Looking back, I suppose I really shouldn't have expected more considering his upbringing, and the total freeze out this past year and a half. It's like he'd gotten to the point where he was afraid to let me in... While I knew I owned a good portion of the blame for that, I felt he should at least acknowledge his own wrongdoing.
It's not like he was entirely blameless. I 'did' wait around for the better part of six months trying to patch things over between us...it was only when the unending silence, tension, and guilt became too much that I finally had to leave. And that thought was enough to draw me out of my guilt and sadness, and back into the anger that originally dragged me here. "I came here to try one last time to make things right between us after what happened in Mexico...to tell you how much I had always loved you! And what do you do?! You get all high and mighty saying crap like, 'I don't wanna talk about it'! Seriously, suck it up man! You know, you really 'are' a dillhole!" I exploded, before shoving him in the chest and bursting into tears.
The shove barely moves him, but it's just enough to inflame something inside him past the breaking point. What it was, I wasn't sure, but I was glad I was still able to make him feel 'something' beyond the anger that'd been between us for what seemed an eternity now. Sure, the anger was still there...blazing hotly in those big blue eyes of his, which were surprisingly unguarded by his trademark shades...but there was something else there too. Despite my own fury, that gave me hope. And before too long, I knew what that something was when he leaned forward with purpose, and a glint in his eye and took my lips under his, pulling me forward roughly.
The kiss started with the red, hot heat of his repressed anger, and the intention to punish...which it was achieving quite successfully...until suddenly it softened into the pale yellows and pinks of months of unresolved desire.
It didn't take me long to deepen it, and to pull him close and twine my fingers through his curly golden locks to convey all the love in my heart, as well as in a vain attempt to appease my own need. Things were quickly spiralling out of control, and I wished this moment would never end. However, I reluctantly pulled away several heated moments later, out of breath and insanely in love with him...but even more determined to finish clearing the air once and for all. If we were going to move forward together as equals, we couldn't leave this sitting between us. It would only hurt us later, adding fuel to any future squabbles we would undoubtedly have.
He looked at me with a mix of confusion, desire, but above all, tenderness in his eyes as he brushed a stray lock of hair out of my face, and tucked it behind my ear. A slight look of wariness crossed his features, as though he were mildly afraid of what would come next. Considering my reactions during our previous encounters, I couldn't blame him for his nervousness. Taking his feelings into account, I took a few minutes to soothe them, first with a gentle smile; then a tender kiss that quickly exploded with a heat and combustion that nearly incinerated us both.
I softly pulled away from it in the nick of time flushed, and out of breath. 'Okay...so no more of that until we've had our talk' I ordered myself in desperation, and forced my mind back to the issue at hand. "Remember the first time we came here?" I ask him softly...minutes later.
He looked at me quizzically, as though taken off guard and unsure where I was going with this. "Yeah, we were just kids...it seems so long ago. You kept picking on Forman, and foiling my guard duties if I'm not mistaken..."
"That sounds about right. God, I was such a bully back then...but Eric was always such an easy target...all skinny and whiny..." I replied, giggling softly. "You made me so angry back then...always lurking behind some tree to protect Eric and ruin my fun..."
"Well, he 'did' pay for my protection...if it makes you feel any better, you didn't make my job very easy..." he said with a guarded, bashful grin that didn't quite touch his lips, but made his eyes twinkle.
"I noticed...especially that one time when I dunked him into the lake, and you came in to pull me off. I wanted nothing more that to scratch your eyes out...until you took me off guard demanding a forfeit..." I prodded gently, testing to see what his reaction to this would be.
He surprised me by responding with an easy smile. "You know, I was so irritated with you at that point...I had 'no' idea what to do with you. You'd already cost me my quarter, so I figured you owed me something. Without even thinking, I took the first thing I thought of..." He stops there, looking belatedly embarrassed by his actions.
"A kiss..." I responded softly. "You know, that was my first kiss...?"
"Yeah...mine too." he falteringly admits.
Silence reigns over the both of us for a few moments as we smile at each other tenderly.
Now that the mood had been lightened a bit, and the conversation had begun, I'd found the courage I needed to say what had been on my mind for so long.
"A year on your own gives you a lot of time to think...to remember things, both the good and the bad..." I say gently, breaking the long silence.
A confused expression crossed his face. "Okay...?"
"One of the things I came to realize is that very first kiss was only the beginning for us. I'm not sure if you've seen it yet, but almost every two years since then we've found our way back to each other. No matter what else has happened in our lives, we've always ended up back together...like this." I continued, gesturing wildly.
He nods in response, indicating he's understood and that he's seen it as well. Still he looks a little confused, obviously unsure of where I was going with this.
"I know I've hurt you in the past...and I 'am' sorry. To be honest, more of that had to do with me than it did with you. For some reason, I just couldn't let myself feel that way for you...at first I told myself it was because of Eric. But even once my relationship with him was over, and I'd moved on... We'd grown so close...maybe I was afraid of being hurt again. Maybe I knew that if I started something with you and it didn't work, I would never be able to forgive myself. Either way, it was wrong of me to throw your feelings back in your face like that." I finished quickly; remorseful and spent, before I lost my nerve.
"Look...Donna, I'm not gonna say I wasn't hurt when you kept pushing me away every single time things got too intense..." he replied cautiously. "Though there were times when I realize I may have pushed you too hard...like when you'd first broken up with Forman and we went on that beer tour. I told myself I was only trying to make you feel better..." he trailed off, looking slightly embarrassed with himself.
I didn't push him to continue, opting instead to turn to him and smile, showing that I understood what he was trying to say. He'd never really been one to show his feelings anyway, so for him to have even come this far was more than enough...for now. He slowly moved to sit beside me and put his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close. Finally, we were content to just 'be' with each other, looking off into the distance...wondering what the future had in store for us...
At least until Eric and Jackie strolled by, minutes later on their way to the beach for a playful romp.
Just before they got out of visual range, Jackie looked back at us with a smile on her face. She quickly centred her gaze on me and gave me the thumbs up, before turning and running after Eric toward the water.
Seeing Jackie's gesture toward me, Hyde turned and looked at me with a confused look on his face. I looked back with a smile, and shrugged innocently.
He smiled back before lifting himself from the ground, and offered me his hand. I accepted it, and he gently helped me to my feet.
Replacing his arm around my shoulders, we slowly followed after Eric and Jackie. Our future together looks very bright indeed.
We stopped just shy of the beach to share what was meant to be a quick little kiss, one that was quickly becoming more intense than any of the ones preceding it. Yeah, things are going to be 'just' fine...
Fin
Lastly...as usual, I own nothing...if only I did...sigh
Chapter 9-Summer of 1981
Well the next year and a half were very stressful for me, both mentally and emotionally. After the whole Mexico trip, everything changed between Hyde and I. Despite my best attempts at repairing the situation, it seemed hopeless. The saddest part of it was that I knew there was no one I could blame for this rift but myself. I could barely get Hyde to even talk to me, and on the rare occasions when he WOULD say something, quite often I'd wished he hadn't.
Eventually I just gave up and let him be, figuring eventually he'd come to me...I mean, we were too close to let something like this come between us...right??? Unfortunately, after about six months of this, I realized that the situation was out of my hands. In spite of how much I loved him (which I had only just admitted to myself after I lost him...hindsight does have the uncanny ability of being 20/20 doesn't it?), I couldn't keep going like this...seeing him slowly rebuilding those walls of his everyday...the walls that I had once taken such pride in climbing over.
To make matters even worse, I'd found out through Eric and Jackie that he had recently been accepted to the culinary school in Madison and would be joining everyone there come September. He'd be so close, yet so far away, and I just couldn't handle that. It was far too painful.
So once the offer to take a year long co-op in California came along, I jumped on it, figuring it would give me some time away to mend my broken heart and start to move on. Plus, it would give me a chance to get away from the blossoming relationship between Eric and Jackie. Don't get me wrong, they're my best friends, and I'm nothing but happy for them. However, it only further drove home to me that which was missing in my own life. And my mother was still living there, and had apparently cleaned up her act, so I knew I'd have a place to stay.
Both Eric and Jackie tried to talk me out of going, and even to continue trying to talk to Hyde. They'd somehow managed to piece together what happened between us in Mexico with what few crumbs of information were tossed to them, and had been trying to get us back together ever since. Problem was, Hyde wasn't having it. And to be perfectly honest, considering how things ended, I didn't blame him. Still it hurt like hell though, and I just couldn't take the heartache anymore. I had to go...
San Diego, California-Donna's Mom's House-June 1982
I'd spent much of the last year working my ass off so I could finish off college with honours. Spent most of my evenings alone, either talking to Eric and Jackie or mourning the loss of what could have been. Somehow, I'd gotten to thinking that removing myself from the whole situation with Hyde would make it go away. Instead, I just got lonelier, and the calls from Eric and Jackie, Kelso, and Fez only seemed to make it worse. I was quite good at putting my best face on around my mom, and we bonded quite a bit in that time. I kind of wish I would've talked to her about it honestly. I mean, she'd been through some hard times herself and she probably could've really helped me out.
Most of the calls from Eric and Jackie were just updates on how they were doing in school, what living together was like (Jackie loved to complain about Eric's messy habits, which she felt we'd have some common ground with), and so forth. Every so often though, they would sneak in a little update about how Hyde was doing...anything from his latest culinary accomplishment, to how he reacted when they told him I was gone, and how he'd gotten even more moody than normal since I'd left. According to them, that was a sure sign that he missed me more than anyone knew.
I didn't go home from Christmas that year, though my dad became his typical blubbering mess when I told him that I'd be spending Christmas with my mom. I made sure to send him a new banjo in my Christmas package home, so suffice it to say, he didn't stay upset for very long. Without even thinking about it, I'd selected a special gift for Hyde...a diamond encrusted flask engraved with his initials on the front, and a hidden message on the bottom...'With Love, Donna'.
Only thing is, when it came time to send it, I burst into tears. I just couldn't do it, much as I wanted to. After all, we hadn't spoken to each other in months, though Eric and Jackie both made sure we had each other's address and phone number. I'd tried to call him so many times, and sometimes the line would even ring, but I just couldn't put myself through the rejection again. Not then anyway...
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the school year was over and I'd graduated. I got the call from Eric saying he'd graduated early since he'd taken a full course load, rather than the partial load his program required the last two years. I'd never been prouder of him, and I knew Jackie was thrilled to finally be able to have the future she felt she deserved.
However, that phone call also made me realize how much I missed my friends and family, and just how much I missed Hyde. He'd apparently made it through his first year of culinary school at the top of his class, having finally found his niche. I'd never been so happy for him, and wish I could've been there when he got the news. Though, according to Eric, he didn't seem as happy with his accomplishments as he should have, and that he had a feeling that probably had a lot to do with me. Jackie seemed to share that belief, and told me that whenever my name was mentioned, he'd get a fleeting look of sadness on his face, before he covered with his zen mask, and a look that said that topic was off limits. No one dared mention me again when that look had taken over his face since they didn't want to face an angry Steven Hyde...
Hearing that only told me what I knew inside all along. I had to go home. After all, I couldn't stay away forever. My home, friends, and pretty much everything I knew were there. Most of all, I had to see Hyde; attempt to clear the air between us, and see if the two of us ever stood a chance. Jackie and Eric seemed to think so...and though everyone seemed to think 'they' were totally mismatched, they'd managed to make it work, so I didn't see why we couldn't. I still felt guilty over how things were left between us, and wish I'd given it just one more try before I'd run away, but the only place I could move was forward. And if I wanted my future to be with Steven Hyde, then I had to go home and fight for him. Even if that fight was against him himself...
Just before I had gotten everything packed up and ready to go, I got a call from Jackie. Apparently my dad and the Formans had decided that we should have one last family vacation together now that Eric and I had graduated at Lake Michigan...and between her and Eric, they'd managed to convince Hyde to go, though from what she was saying, they'd had quite a fight on their hands. All I heard was her voice buzzing in the background after that as I strolled through memory lane to my very first kiss at that very spot...with none other than Steven Hyde. We were so young and innocent back then, totally carefree and clueless of what the future had in store for us. I really wish we could get a portion of those innocent and carefree days back, and realized that if we could, it would be there, where it all began...
Lake Michigan-The Forman/Pinciotti Cabin-Last Weekend in June 1981
By the time I arrived at the cabin, it was late and I was exhausted. Everyone was there to give me the large homecoming party they'd planned, showing me how much I was truly missed. My dad was the first to give me one of his classics, a crying Bob hug, telling me how proud he was of me...the first Pinciotti to graduate from college. Needless to say, this took quite a while for me to escape from. Eric and Jackie were next, with Jackie giving me a rather sad look, leaving me to wonder what could possibly be going on to prompt it. However, I found out the answer to that very shortly... Eric's parents hugged me next to welcome me back, and congratulate me for graduating. I looked around for Hyde, wondering where he was. Once I realized he wasn't there, a sad look crossed my face, which quickly turned to one of determination and irritation, and I turned to toward Jackie for an explanation. She only confirmed what I expected, that he'd decided he wasn't quite ready to see me, and had walked off by himself.
As tired as I was, I wasn't going to let him ignore me any longer and went out to look for him. But not before taking his Christmas present with me. The time for us to talk was long past. If everything went the way I wanted it to, I'd planned to finally give him his present tonight. However, knowing Hyde as well as I did, I expected to have one hell of a fight on my hands. This time though, I wasn't going to just let him hide behind those walls of his. I'd claw my way over them if I had to, but I was determined to get through. I just hoped that once I'd finally done so, that we could begin to get past this. More importantly, I hoped we'd be able to find our way back to each other. It had taken so long for me to realize how much I loved him, and I couldn't bear losing him now...before I'd ever even really had him.
What I didn't count on was it taking so long for me to find him...especially since he was pretty much exactly where I should've expected; leaning against an oak tree, joint between his fingers, overlooking the river where everything began all those years ago...
I just stood there for a few minutes to gather my resolve before approaching him quietly from behind the tree. I decided to start gently, hoping that would tell the tone of the conversation. I start with a tentative, "Hi." which he returns, looking slightly wary.
"Jackie told me you'd taken off out here after she realized I was looking for you, so I thought I'd come out and see if I could find you." I continued on, in an attempt to get the pleasantries out of the way and the conversation going.
"Yeah, I needed some air. Gets rather hot in that cabin at night for some reason. Wanna hit?" he tosses back. I was slightly surprised that he was so agreeable about me being there, considering what Jackie had told me back at the cabin. With a slight sigh of relief, I took the joint and sat in front of him creating an impromptu mini circle.
"What's that you're holding?" he asked, and gestured toward his present which I was still cradling in my other hand. "Just a good luck charm." I replied. He nodded and reached across for the joint I was passing back his way. He took a hit, leaned back against the tree and closed his eyes for a minute as though wondering what to say next.
Finally he came out with, "Congratulations...I heard you graduated man. I always knew you'd be one of the first..." He handed me what little remained of the joint before trailing off and looking at the ground. If I wasn't mistaken, this was his way of saying he was proud of me. And coming from him that means a lot. Particularly considering how rough things had been between us this past year.
"Thanks," I return quietly as I put out the remaining roach and hand to him, which he slides into his cigarette pack. "Jackie tells me you finished at the top of your class this year. That must've taken a lot of hard work. You must be proud."
He must've seen the look of pride on my face because he lit up like a kid at Christmas in response before uttering a quiet, "Thank you."
"You're welcome...but we both know I didn't come out here just for idle chit chat. Things have been awfully rocky between us ever since we all went to Mexico, and I think it's past time for us to talk about it..." I start with resolve, yet semi-tentatively, testing the waters.
His expression had turned dark and guarded, and out came a tense, irritable sounding, "Are you sure you want to talk about that with me right now Donna? Cause I don't..."
He'd looked like a caged, wounded wild animal...something you don't really want to approach too closely, in fear that it just may strike.
You know you've managed to get to Hyde when despite what had to be his best attempt; he's not able to put on his 'Zen face'. I should've taken that as a sign to back off, at least for the time being, but his reaction made me realize that I too, was angry...and that anger overrode my own guilt, as well as my reason.
Hell, 'he' was the one who'd closed me off so quickly and completely after what happened in Mexico, not even allowing me to explain or apologize...'and' despite having my address and phone number, he didn't bother trying to contact me the whole year I was away...trying to get over 'him'...feeling guilty for how I'd left things with 'him'...
"'You' don't want to talk about it?! Oh, boo hoo! I cry purple tears for you!" I screamed, rolling my eyes. "You always have to make everything about 'you'! What about 'me'?! Me...who spent this past year feeling guilty as hell for everything that happened between us?! Me...who spent my nights sitting by the phone waiting for you to call so we could get past this?! Me...who cried until there were no tears left because I never got the chance to tell you how much I've always loved 'you'...?!"
By this point, I was so fired up in my rant that 'nothing' could've stopped me...not even the look of complete and total shock on Hyde's face...and trust me, that's not an expression he wears often. I'd even failed to notice that the first time I'd openly admitted to him that I loved him, it was done like this. It certainly wasn't my preferred way of revealing that little piece of information. I mean, I'm not Jackie...who envisions banners and rainbows, unicorns and roses, but still...I never intended it to come out like this, especially when I was still so angry with him.
I continued my tirade continued without pause, as my face grew crimson with fury. "I waited 'all' this time to talk to you, and all you can say is, 'I don't wanna talk about it'?! You really are an asshole, you know that?! Eat this!" I finished, throwing his Christmas flask squarely at his head and stalking away without looking back.
I'd never been so angry and frustrated in all my life. Only 'he' could provoke me like this. Frankly, I was lucky the flask missed his head and fell to the ground, though I didn't find that out till later. Apparently some time later after he'd come out the daze my outburst had caused, his curiousity had gotten the better of him and he'd picked up the wrapped package, torn off the tissue paper surrounding it revealing the carefully selected present inside, and the secret message underneath...
Later that evening...
Eventually the adrenalin rush wore off, and I crumbled to the grass in fatigue. I hadn't gone back to the cabin as I'd needed some time to think without Jackie's persistent questions, and Eric's undoubted pity, neither of which could I handle at the moment.
That, and I didn't want Hyde finding me. The anger had drained, and with it had gone my courage to face him...particularly after what I had inadvertently revealed.
Unfortunately, it appeared that he had other plans, which weren't revealed until I finally raised my head from where it was resting on my knees. He was just standing there quietly looking at me holding the flask in his hands with a confused, uncomfortable, and slightly irascible look in his eyes. It looked like he'd been there a while...waiting for to look up and notice his presence.
Before I could even say anything, he began warily with, "You wanted to talk...fine, let's talk. You might want to start with explaining this..." He gestures to the inscription on the bottom of the flask he's holding tightly in his hands. "...along with the little comment you just made...you know, about loving me? Where the hell did that come from? You never showed any indication of feeling that way before...so what's the deal now?" he continues sarcastically.
I'd had my rant...it was only fair to give him his turn. So despite my better judgment, and my own climbing feelings of guilt, I kept my mouth shut until he was finished. It wasn't easy, but I did it.
"You claim you love me, and that you missed me, yet you never made the effort to pick up the phone and call 'me' this past year either! Not to mention the fact that every time I made the effort to get close to you in the past, you pushed me away as soon as things got too hot for you! You wondered why I didn't want to talk to you about it before...there's your reason! I gave up on you while I still had a shred of dignity and pride left!" he continued hot faced and clearly angry.
Judging by what he was saying, I couldn't blame him. I'd never seen it through his eyes before. I mean, I'd felt guilty for my actions in the past, but hearing things from his perspective only made me feel even more ashamed of myself.
After his long and heated outburst, the air seemed to have been knocked out of him; he slumped low to the ground, head hanging limply and the night grew deathly silent.
Long moments later, I realized that I had to say something. Just sitting here feeling guilty and sorry for myself wasn't going to make this whole mess go away. Considering the strength of his outburst, it was obvious that the next move was going to be up to me...and rightly so.
I can't say I still wasn't angry for his deliberate indifference this past year, but at least now I understood what lead him to it...and that something was 'me'. In my own stubbornness and fear with admitting my love for him, I'd managed to do the complete opposite of what I'd intended and pushed him away. Though how it could've done anything else is beyond me...just another case of how hindsight can really do a number on a person.
The problem I had was finding the words to make things right again. This had to be the most important conversation of my life, and everything I'd ever wanted or hoped for hinged on his reaction to what I had to say. To say that prospect was terrifying was being far too kind...however; I couldn't stay silent any longer.
"I'm 'so' sorry" I whispered quietly...so quietly in fact that I'm surprised he'd even heard me, a fact made obvious when he raised his head and looked at me...a mix of anger, sorrow...and if I wasn't mistaken, just the tiniest glimmer of hope.
That look gave me the courage I needed to go forward with my explanations. "Let me start at the beginning and answer the first question you asked." I continued.
He nodded at me, encouraging me to continue. "Without a second thought, I bought that flask for you back at Christmas...when I got the rest of the gifts I sent home. I had it engraved to reflect everything I felt for you at the time...and still do." I looked at the ground between my feet, then toward him quickly to see how he reacted to this piece of news.
When he just sat there looking at me intently, I simply continued on. "When I got everything together to send home, I noticed the flask in along with the other gifts. Honestly, I was surprised to see it, as I hadn't even remembered having bought it. Must have been an unconscious purchase on my part. In that moment, I fully intended to send it to you...hoping you'd see it and realize that despite everything I always 'had' loved you. But something was stopping me from placing it into the package..." I trailed off there, too overcome with emotion to continue and tears in my eyes.
He continued looking at me...a slight look of surprise crossing his features at the evident emotion on my face, but he quickly covered that with his 'Zen' expression. Again, with that damn 'Zen' expression. It's like he can never allow himself to feel anything...which can really get annoying at times...particularly times like this. He made no move to comfort me, which really grated when I was opening myself up so completely to him. Looking back, I suppose I really shouldn't have expected more considering his upbringing, and the total freeze out this past year and a half. It's like he'd gotten to the point where he was afraid to let me in... While I knew I owned a good portion of the blame for that, I felt he should at least acknowledge his own wrongdoing.
It's not like he was entirely blameless. I 'did' wait around for the better part of six months trying to patch things over between us...it was only when the unending silence, tension, and guilt became too much that I finally had to leave. And that thought was enough to draw me out of my guilt and sadness, and back into the anger that originally dragged me here. "I came here to try one last time to make things right between us after what happened in Mexico...to tell you how much I had always loved you! And what do you do?! You get all high and mighty saying crap like, 'I don't wanna talk about it'! Seriously, suck it up man! You know, you really 'are' a dillhole!" I exploded, before shoving him in the chest and bursting into tears.
The shove barely moves him, but it's just enough to inflame something inside him past the breaking point. What it was, I wasn't sure, but I was glad I was still able to make him feel 'something' beyond the anger that'd been between us for what seemed an eternity now. Sure, the anger was still there...blazing hotly in those big blue eyes of his, which were surprisingly unguarded by his trademark shades...but there was something else there too. Despite my own fury, that gave me hope. And before too long, I knew what that something was when he leaned forward with purpose, and a glint in his eye and took my lips under his, pulling me forward roughly.
The kiss started with the red, hot heat of his repressed anger, and the intention to punish...which it was achieving quite successfully...until suddenly it softened into the pale yellows and pinks of months of unresolved desire.
It didn't take me long to deepen it, and to pull him close and twine my fingers through his curly golden locks to convey all the love in my heart, as well as in a vain attempt to appease my own need. Things were quickly spiralling out of control, and I wished this moment would never end. However, I reluctantly pulled away several heated moments later, out of breath and insanely in love with him...but even more determined to finish clearing the air once and for all. If we were going to move forward together as equals, we couldn't leave this sitting between us. It would only hurt us later, adding fuel to any future squabbles we would undoubtedly have.
He looked at me with a mix of confusion, desire, but above all, tenderness in his eyes as he brushed a stray lock of hair out of my face, and tucked it behind my ear. A slight look of wariness crossed his features, as though he were mildly afraid of what would come next. Considering my reactions during our previous encounters, I couldn't blame him for his nervousness. Taking his feelings into account, I took a few minutes to soothe them, first with a gentle smile; then a tender kiss that quickly exploded with a heat and combustion that nearly incinerated us both.
I softly pulled away from it in the nick of time flushed, and out of breath. 'Okay...so no more of that until we've had our talk' I ordered myself in desperation, and forced my mind back to the issue at hand. "Remember the first time we came here?" I ask him softly...minutes later.
He looked at me quizzically, as though taken off guard and unsure where I was going with this. "Yeah, we were just kids...it seems so long ago. You kept picking on Forman, and foiling my guard duties if I'm not mistaken..."
"That sounds about right. God, I was such a bully back then...but Eric was always such an easy target...all skinny and whiny..." I replied, giggling softly. "You made me so angry back then...always lurking behind some tree to protect Eric and ruin my fun..."
"Well, he 'did' pay for my protection...if it makes you feel any better, you didn't make my job very easy..." he said with a guarded, bashful grin that didn't quite touch his lips, but made his eyes twinkle.
"I noticed...especially that one time when I dunked him into the lake, and you came in to pull me off. I wanted nothing more that to scratch your eyes out...until you took me off guard demanding a forfeit..." I prodded gently, testing to see what his reaction to this would be.
He surprised me by responding with an easy smile. "You know, I was so irritated with you at that point...I had 'no' idea what to do with you. You'd already cost me my quarter, so I figured you owed me something. Without even thinking, I took the first thing I thought of..." He stops there, looking belatedly embarrassed by his actions.
"A kiss..." I responded softly. "You know, that was my first kiss...?"
"Yeah...mine too." he falteringly admits.
Silence reigns over the both of us for a few moments as we smile at each other tenderly.
Now that the mood had been lightened a bit, and the conversation had begun, I'd found the courage I needed to say what had been on my mind for so long.
"A year on your own gives you a lot of time to think...to remember things, both the good and the bad..." I say gently, breaking the long silence.
A confused expression crossed his face. "Okay...?"
"One of the things I came to realize is that very first kiss was only the beginning for us. I'm not sure if you've seen it yet, but almost every two years since then we've found our way back to each other. No matter what else has happened in our lives, we've always ended up back together...like this." I continued, gesturing wildly.
He nods in response, indicating he's understood and that he's seen it as well. Still he looks a little confused, obviously unsure of where I was going with this.
"I know I've hurt you in the past...and I 'am' sorry. To be honest, more of that had to do with me than it did with you. For some reason, I just couldn't let myself feel that way for you...at first I told myself it was because of Eric. But even once my relationship with him was over, and I'd moved on... We'd grown so close...maybe I was afraid of being hurt again. Maybe I knew that if I started something with you and it didn't work, I would never be able to forgive myself. Either way, it was wrong of me to throw your feelings back in your face like that." I finished quickly; remorseful and spent, before I lost my nerve.
"Look...Donna, I'm not gonna say I wasn't hurt when you kept pushing me away every single time things got too intense..." he replied cautiously. "Though there were times when I realize I may have pushed you too hard...like when you'd first broken up with Forman and we went on that beer tour. I told myself I was only trying to make you feel better..." he trailed off, looking slightly embarrassed with himself.
I didn't push him to continue, opting instead to turn to him and smile, showing that I understood what he was trying to say. He'd never really been one to show his feelings anyway, so for him to have even come this far was more than enough...for now. He slowly moved to sit beside me and put his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close. Finally, we were content to just 'be' with each other, looking off into the distance...wondering what the future had in store for us...
At least until Eric and Jackie strolled by, minutes later on their way to the beach for a playful romp.
Just before they got out of visual range, Jackie looked back at us with a smile on her face. She quickly centred her gaze on me and gave me the thumbs up, before turning and running after Eric toward the water.
Seeing Jackie's gesture toward me, Hyde turned and looked at me with a confused look on his face. I looked back with a smile, and shrugged innocently.
He smiled back before lifting himself from the ground, and offered me his hand. I accepted it, and he gently helped me to my feet.
Replacing his arm around my shoulders, we slowly followed after Eric and Jackie. Our future together looks very bright indeed.
We stopped just shy of the beach to share what was meant to be a quick little kiss, one that was quickly becoming more intense than any of the ones preceding it. Yeah, things are going to be 'just' fine...
Fin