Author's Note: Here we are, another chapter of Alter Ego! Yay! And thank you all for your continued interest and encouragement; it is invaluable to me.
Cool, someone got the title of the last chapter! Congrats Hououza! For those of you who didn't, it's just a reference to Clark Kent (aka Superman) and the fact that Lois is in love with his alter ego whereas she won't give his real self the time of day…sound familiar?
Anyway, I want to let you know that this chapter includes the song "With or Without You" by U2 at one point (hence the title), and I have arranged it in such that the narrative actually corresponds to the rests in the song, so it's really cool if you play the song and read the story in sync (I've tried it; it's awesome). That's always been my problem with songfics is that the lyrics just kind of come from nowhere and you don't get any sense of the music. To that end I also use periods to indicate beats, and beats between verses are in brackets. This is all a sort of refined version of the technique I used in my experimental songfic "What Happens Now," so read that for further explanation.
Don't worry, if you don't have or know the song you can just ignore this stuff and it still works fine. But for those of you who do have access to it, try starting the song at the beginning of the paragraph before the lyrics start, read along and see how it sounds!
Okay, just a couple of questions to answer:
Fallen-Snow: I love 28 Days! That one runs a close second to Dead Famous, probably only because I started Dead Famous first. I've read all Rozefire's completed fics (except Life Exchange) and I'm waiting for her to come back from vacation before I start Autumn Bane so I won't have to wait for updates! Oh, and I'll look for spots for the other characters, but I'm not sure If I can squeeze them in this time. Maybe a couple of cameos?
tsuki miko: Awesome, I have pairs of sisters reading my fics? I haven't even let my sister read them! I feel so special! Hope you like MIA as well, and as far as length I'd love to make it longer but I don't want to take it farther than the material will allow. We'll see!
???: Good catch, but if you remember Miroku's first offer was 150 and Inu raised it to 200 (don't worry, I double checked!).
Alter EgoChapter 4: With or Without You
Miroku
was right; Inuyasha's time was running out. He had to make his move soon or
lose yet another bet to that stupid houshi. Tonight was the night.
He had invited Kagome over to his place for quiet little dinner
that evening. However, before doing so, he had failed to consider the fact that
he had never cooked a meal in his life. Thus he found himself at three-thirty
in the afternoon in a kitchen which was coated floor to ceiling in flour and
meat sauce, the scent of garlic so strong that it made his eyes water, with one
pot of noodles boiling over on the stove as another pot, this one of spaghetti
sauce, bubbled, splattered, and burned at the edges. The final straw was when
the smoke pouring out of the oven from the 'bread' he'd been baking, which now
vaguely resembled a sample of igneous rock, set off the fire alarm.
beep, beep, beep...!
"Son of a goddamn bitch!" he cursed, throwing his spatula and
oven mitts to the floor of the disaster area formerly known as a kitchen. "Fuck
this!" The hanyou irritably attempted to wrestle his way out of the frilly,
pink apron he'd borrowed from Mrs. Dubrousky down the hall, while
simultaneously trying to shield his sensitive ears from the high-pitched noise
echoing into every corner of his apartment. Finally, after nearly strangling
himself, he gave up and left the apron hanging somewhat lopsidedly around his
neck. Muttering a string of very imaginative invectives, he stood on top of the
counter and began fiddling with the wires inside the alarm, finally giving up
and yanking the whole damn thing off the ceiling. When the noise ceased he
breathed a sigh of relief.
"Thank god." However, that relief was short lived, his temper
returning when his gaze fell back to the kitchen below him. A growl began in
the back of his throat. "Nothing is worth this much trouble," he grumbled.
The trouble itself was not his only problem. Kagome would be
arriving in approximately two and a half hours, expecting a lovely meal and,
presumably, a relatively clean house. He doubted that 'spaghetti and
bread/charcoal surprise' in a kitchen that seemed to have been hit by a small
hurricane would do much to convince her to spend the night with him -- now or
ever.
With a sigh of defeat, the silver-haired hanyou slumped into a
sitting position on the edge of the counter, watching his attempt at cooking
boil itself to hell. I give up...
Just then there came a knock at the door, and Inuyasha jumped. It
couldn't be Kagome so soon, could it? He gulped and went to answer the door,
but just as he reached for the knob he froze, eyes widening in a sudden
thought. A hand raised to his head, feeling his ears; he was in hanyou form. He
quickly pressed his eye to the peephole and, sure enough, the person standing
on the other side of the door was none other than his Kagome.
That was close...wait a minute -- his Kagome? Feh,
that's not important right now, he scoffed mentally, waving away the
thought. Desperately he cast his eyes about, trying to remember where the hell
he'd left that damn necklace. He began rummaging though the room, tossing
pillows about and scattering magazines in a frantic attempt to locate it.
The knock came again. "Ryoga? It's me, Kagome. I know I'm early
but I just wanted to-"
Ah, there it was!
"-stop by and see if you needed any-" she broke off abruptly when
the door swung open to reveal a particularly haggard looking Ryoga, rumpled
pink apron tied at an odd angle, some sort of red sauce splattered in his dark
hair, as well as on the end of his nose, covered from head to toe in baking
ingredients, with a rather large smudge of flour on his cheek to top it off.
She had to bite her lip to keep from laughing out loud at his comical
appearance.
"Ah," she said, struggling to keep her composure, "I, uh,
wondered if you needed any...help." At the last bit she found she couldn't hold
it in any longer. The woman began to shake with silent laughter, tears of mirth
blurring her vision. Perhaps this was why she didn't notice the very familiar
scowl that grew on Inuyasha's face.
"What's so funny?" he demanded irritably, only causing her to
laugh even harder.
Gasping for breath, she finally managed to gain access to her
voice again. "You just look so...cute!" she exclaimed affectionately, catching
another glimpse of him and doubling up again.
His scowl deepened. "Well if you're just gonna stand there-"
"No, no," she said, putting a hand to her chest as her laughter
subsided, "I'm sorry, I'll help." Herding him back inside she closed the door
behind them and turned to the kitchen, gasping at the sight.
Horror turned to disbelief and then once again to amusement as
she registered the utter chaos before her. She turned and slumped against
Inuyasha, who stiffened defensively at first, but eventually, persuaded by the
feel of her laughter against his chest, found himself beginning to chuckle as
well. Soon the two of them were laughing hysterically in each others arms, both
trying desperately to catch their breath, each one's mirth only feeding the
other's further.
Finally their laughter subsided, and they broke apart, each
trying to steady their breath, wiping tears from their eyes. Kagome met
Inuyasha's gaze with a grin, shaking her head. "Come on, let's get this cleaned
up and start over. Something tells me you haven't done a whole lot of cooking
-- am I right?"
"Whatever gave you that idea?" he answered with a raise of the
eyebrow and a wry smirk.
* * *
It took the pair of them nearly two hours to clean up the mess
and dispose of all the ruined food, but when they did finish the place was
neater and tidier than Inuyasha had ever seen it. He had to hand it to her:
this woman was really something.
"Okay, now for the next step," Kagome said, rubbing her hands
together, satisfied that the cleaning was done, "Cooking."
"Hell no!" Inuyasha protested in horror. "No way am I ever going
to try that again."
The woman rolled her eyes. "Oh for heaven's sake Ryoga, it's not
that bad. All you need is to be a bit more organized and read the directions
more carefully, okay? And I'll be here if it gets out of hand. Don't tell me
you're afraid?"
Inuyasha turned away and uttered the smallest of "Keh"s before he
could stop himself. He froze instantly, realizing what he'd just said, but
Kagome took no notice this time.
"Good. Now, I vote for something other than spaghetti; I think
we've both had enough of that for the time being. Where do you keep the
cookbooks?" she asked, and Inuyasha furrowed his brow, looking up to the
ceiling in thought.
"Uh..." Did he even have a cookbook? He'd just sort of guessed
with the spaghetti. After all it was only noodles and sauce wasn't it? And the
bread recipe he'd gotten from Mrs. Dubrousky along with the apron. "I think I
did have one at some point, but..."
She raised her eyebrows at him. "You mean you were trying to cook
an entire meal from scratch for the first time with no instructions?"
"Well I figured you just sort of throw in whatever tastes good. I
mean, it's just tomato sauce and meat and stuff. How hard could it be?" he
shrugged, eyes narrowing when she shook her head with a laugh. "What's so
funny?" he demanded.
"You. Honestly I don't think I've ever met a man as hopeless in
the kitchen as you are," she replied with an amused smile. "I guess Inuyasha
was right; you're not perfect. But it's pretty cute," she added fondly, giving
him a peck on the cheek before turning to begin surveying the cupboards for a
cookbook.
Inuyasha merely stared at her for a moment, torn between the
warm, fuzzy feeling in the pit of his stomach from the affectionate quality of
her voice, and the jolt he'd felt at being reminded that he was currently
Ryoga, not Inuyasha, for he had practically forgotten the distinction. Talk
about an identity crisis, he thought wryly.
"Aha!" Kagome exclaimed, snapping him back to reality, such as it
was, as she pulled a very dusty, white book from one of the bottom shelves.
It's binding was so crisp it appeared that it had never even been opened. "Here
we are," she said, wiping it clean with a nearby rag and opening it to the
table of contents.
Inuyasha came up behind her, peering over her shoulder at the
long list of dishes over which she ran a finger. Many of them were ones he'd
never even heard of. "What's Lutefisk?" he asked, curiously.
Kagome made a face, glancing back at him over her shoulder. "It's
a Scandinavian dish, made of cod soaked in lye and then boiled so that it turns
into a sort of gelatinous substance. I've heard it's disgusting. Besides, it
takes several weeks to make, just because of the soaking."
"Ew," Inuyasha replied, wrinkling his nose. "I say we don't make
Lutefisk."
She laughed lightly, turning back to the book. "I'll second that.
How about...ooh, how about beef stroganoff?"
He eyed her skeptically for a moment. "You sure that one doesn't
have any gelatinous meat in it?"
She grinned. "Positive."
"Okay. What do we need?"
She set the book on the counter and began listing ingredients
while Inuyasha moved about the kitchen retrieving them. "Oh, and we'll need a
frying pan and spatula, as well at a pot for the rice."
"Rice?"
"Yeah. Well, some people make it with noodles, but I prefer rice;
especially after cleaning pasta off the walls for two hours."
"Good point. Rice it is then."
Once they'd gotten the rice going, and she'd shown him how to
lower the heat to the appropriate temperature so it wouldn't burn, they kibbled
the ground beef (of which, luckily, Inuyasha still had plenty, despite using
some in the spaghetti sauce; he'd bought a very large quantity since he really
didn't know how much he was supposed to put in) and fried it.
"How do you know when the beef is done?" he asked.
"When it- ouch!" she exclaimed, yanking her hand away from the
handle of the pan and nearly knocking it to the floor with her sudden movement,
but Inuyasha managed to catch the hot pan in time and replace it on the stove.
"What is it?" he asked, concerned, taking the hand she'd put to
her mouth and inspecting the red patch appearing on her forefinger.
"It's nothing. I just burned myself is all," she replied, slight
frustration creeping into her voice.
"You should put something on it," the dark-haired man suggested
meeting her eyes.
"No, really, I'm okay. Ow!" she winced again when his finger
brushed the angry, red burn on her flesh.
"Don't be stubborn, Kagome. Come on." With that he grabbed a
first-aid kit from the cupboard and dragged her over to the dining table in the
next room. "Sit down," he instructed, and she obeyed with a sigh of
resignation.
He pulled up a chair beside her and took a seat, fishing around
in the first aid kit for a tube of burn treatment.
"This really isn't necessary, Ryoga. It's just a little burn,"
the woman argued, but she allowed him to take her hand once again and begin
applying a thin coat of clear goo to the abused skin. She drew in a short
breath with a hiss at the first sting, but as he gently massaged the injury she
felt the skin going pleasantly numb.
"Thanks," she said quietly, smiling at him as he met her eyes.
For a moment they just held each other's gaze, her hand still enclosed within
his.
He felt as though he could lose himself in her eyes. He was
gradually being overcome with the urge to kiss her -- really kiss her, deeply.
It was so strong that all other thoughts seemed to fade away into the
background, and he found himself slowly leaning forward to press his lips to
hers. Her eyes drifted closed as he moved closer, but just before their lips
made contact the lids snapped open again and she turned her head to look in the
direction of the kitchen.
"Ryoga! We left the stove on!" she exclaimed, jumping up and rushing
into the kitchen to make sure the meat hadn't burned in the meantime.
Inuyasha overbalanced from the sudden mood shift, catching
himself from falling forward on the chair Kagome had recently vacated. For a
moment he just sat there, trying to restore his senses.
What the hell was wrong with him these days? How did she manage
to make him forget everything like that, forget who he was and what he was
doing? What am I doing? he thought.
"Ryoga? Come on in here, I want to show you how to make the
sauce," her melodious voice drifted over from the kitchen.
"Coming," he murmured, shaking his head to clear it and going to
do as she bade. There was no time to figure it out just now.
* * *
Light, romantic music played in the background, the dim,
flickering light of the candles illuminating their faces as they ate the fruit
of their shared labor. The sun had set hours ago, and through the window a
handful of stars were visible, shining like fireflies across the endless night
sky.
"Was your father upset?" Inuyasha asked, an amused smirk playing
on his lips.
Kagome's eyes flicked to the ceiling in mock contemplation. "Mmm,
just a little, yes."
He laughed out loud. "I can't believe you wrecked your dad's
Porsche within a year of getting your license. I can't believe he let you drive
it within a year of getting your license!"
"Well, he did have a tendency to be a bit irrational at times,"
she conceded. "I did a lot of things I shouldn't have back then, and I got away
with them. I suppose that's why I was so spoiled. Then again if it hadn't been
for my father's overindulgence I probably never would have felt the need to
grow up and take responsibility for my life. I might never have amounted to
anything but a rich little daddy's girl." She wrinkled her nose at the idea.
He watched her in wonder. Who would have thought that the 'good
little girl' had once been a spoiled, reckless teenager? That was one thing
that never ceased to amaze him in all the time he had spent with her recently.
How had she managed such a switch?
Kagome finished off the last of her glass of wine and sat back in
her chair with a satisfied sigh. "Mmm, that was lovely. Are you finished?" she
asked, standing up and beginning to clear away the dishes.
"Yep," he answered with a nod, rising to assist her. They brought
their things into the kitchen and Kagome put away the leftovers, but before she
could turn to begin washing the dishes, Inuyasha caught her arm.
"Don't worry about them; I'll get them later. Come on." He tilted
his head in the direction of the living room, drawing her out with him and into
his arms. She took the hint, clasping her wrists loosely behind his neck and
beginning to sway with him to the sound of U2's "With or Without You," playing
over the stereo.
The music was mellow and smooth, with a quick, simple, muted bass
beat beneath a long, trailing, high-pitched note that floated in and out,
changing pitch and quality as the song grew. Then a supple male voice joined
the song in a longing, almost pleading, tone that seemed to speak of need and
heartache.
See the stone.. set in your eye-es...
See the thorn.. twist in your side...
I wait... for you...
His hand slid slowly from her waist to the small of her back,
unconsciously drawing her in.
Sleight of hand.. and twist of fate..
On a bed of nails.. she makes me wait...
And I wait... without you....
[2 beats]
With or without you....
..With or with-a-out you..
[7 beats]
Through the storm.. we reach the shore..
You give it all.. but I want more...
And I'm wai-ting for you....
[2 beats]
With or without you....
..With or with-out you, a-ha..
I can't live....
..With or with-a-out you..
He drew her closer in his arms, and she melted into him, leaning
her head against his shoulder. It felt so right to be here with her he almost
couldn't breathe.
And you give.. yourself awa-ay..
And you give.. yourself awa-ay..
And you give...
And you give...
And you.. give.. yourself awa-ay....
[2 beats]
My hands are tied....
..My body bruised, she's got me wi-ith,
Nothing to wi-in, and,
Nothing left to lo-ose...
And you give.. yourself awa-ay..
And you give.. yourself awa-ay..
And you give...
And you give...
And you.. give.. yourself awa-ay..
With or without you......
With or with-out you, o-oh..
I can't live......
With or with-a-out you....
As the music grew more intense, more desperate, the voice
crescendoed to a long, pleading wail of anguish, and Inuyasha felt his own
heart echo the sentiment. At that moment all he could think was how badly he
needed her -- not just her body, but her mind, her soul.
With or without you....
..With or with-out you, o-ah..
I can't live......
With or with-a-out you..
With or without you...
The voice faded away, leaving the mellow sounds of that quick
bass, along with a repeating pattern of electric guitar chords to drift on the
air, carrying that final, unanswered question out into the room... Do I live
with or without you? Amid the waning notes Inuyasha gently pulled back,
just enough to look into the face of the woman in his arms. There he saw
reflected the very emotions which had entwined themselves around his soul, and
without a second thought he bent his head and captured her lips with his. The
kiss was at once sweet and hungry, asking, demanding, pleading. She accepted
him willingly, so deep was the trust and the need radiating from within her. He
could feel it, taste it in her kiss.
Every fiber of his being told him to whisk her away and into the
next room, and he knew she would follow without protest. Indeed he was about to
do just that, until her voice murmuring a single, aching word against his lips
made his insides turn to ice.
"Ryoga..." she breathed, her fingers entangling themselves in his
hair, trying to pull him closer, pressing herself more firmly against him.
Guilt flooded him at the sound of that name, stronger than ever
before. Her words to 'Inuyasha' earlier arose in his mind, stabbing him through
the heart. '...if I chose to sleep with him it would be because I trusted
him...Can anyone say that about you, Inuyasha?'
He couldn't do it. Gods above, how he wanted her, needed her, but
he couldn't betray her like that. She's not with me; she was never with me.
She's with 'Ryoga' -- her precious, perfect, god-like 'Ryoga.' And I will never
be what she believes him to be.
Eyes clenched tight, heart wrenching at the thought, he eased her
back gently. Her eyes fluttered open, meeting his in slight confusion.
He forced himself to look her in the eye, to not look guilty or
give away too much. "We should stop," he said, his voice slightly husky with
suppressed need, "before we make a...rash decision. I...don't want to lose what
we have now by moving too fast." His heart screamed at him to shut the fuck up,
take her in his arms, and take her right there, right then, but for once he
refused to give in to impulse. A larger, better part of him knew that there was
a great deal more involved here than just...sex. Where had he heard that
before...?
"You're right," she conceded breathily, trying to calm her raging
pulse and nodding with a smile, "You're absolutely right. I don't want to lose
this either, Ryoga." She wrapped her arms around his neck in an embrace and
whispered in his ear, "Thank you. Thank you for being so considerate; for being
who you are."
He closed his eyes, simultaneously delighting in the whisper of
her warm breath over his skin and berating himself for fooling this beautiful
young woman into thinking he was a decent human being. For the first time in
his life he truly felt like the pond scum that Kagome was always accusing him
of being.
She gave him a light kiss on the neck and slid out of his arms to
go retrieve her coat. "I should really be getting home," she said, heading for
the door.
He managed to get his legs working again enough to go open the
door for her. Just outside in the hallway she paused and turned back with a
loving smile that nearly shattered his resolve. "See you later, Ryoga," she
said softly, and disappeared down the hallway.
He closed the door behind her, leaned his back against it and
promptly slid down to sit on the floor with his head in his hands. What the
hell have I done? he thought miserably. I've deceived her in the worst
way possible. There's no way she'll forgive me when she finds out that her
precious Ryoga doesn't exist. She's in love with him, and she despises me --
the real me. And it's not as if I can just go on living the lie forever. I
don't want to be with her as someone else. I want...I want to be with her as
me.
But that will never happen. She'll hate me even more than she
does now, maybe even leave town. I'd never see her again, in either form. I
don't think I can live with that either...
Dammit, why the hell do I have to care?! Things were so simple to
begin with -- I deceive the little bitch, piss her off, take Miroku down a peg,
and make a cool two-hundred. Now...now just thinking about her makes me feel
like...I don't know what. I couldn't blame her for despising me. I despise
myself...
He clenched a fist, resisting the urge to slam it through a wall.
Frustration and self-loathing building within him, he pushed himself up from
the floor, stormed into his bedroom and stood before the mirror. Then he yanked
the necklace off, glaring at his reflection as it turned hanyou once more.
His expression cooled into a quiet resignation as he glanced down
at the troublesome little item in his hand. I have to tell her, explain
myself, see if I can make her understand. It's my only choice...
* * *
A/N: Ahhh! I have to eat something! I'm starving (I forgot to have dinner – oops)!
Anyway, hope you liked the chapter and please review! Tell me if the song part worked or not. Luv ya!