Boredom has been inflicted on me yet again (but I did finally get the chance to write again), so I am going on to my newest fic. Yay, I think, maybe not, cuz now I'm committing myself to one more story, but whatever. Anyway, I don't own Harry Potter. I don't own any of the characters. I don't own anything. Don't you feel better now? I'd work harder at my intro, but I don't feel like caring today. Maybe I'll do better tomorrow, or whenever.

Ways to get your hand held

Rule 1: Meet somebody

The train ride back to school had never felt so grand. After a whole summer in a Catholic monastery after Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia had decided that getting an excorcist for their nephew was the way to go in order to cure him of his "magic disease," Harry could only smile, knowing that, hopefully, the days of many monks running after him with rosaries screaming the Magnificat were far behind him. Ron, who was sitting next to him, looked over to where he was.

"Hey Harry?"

"Matthew, Mark, Luke and John," Harry replied on auto-speech. Ron hit his head against the back of his chair, screaming and screeching, as being possessed by many demons (after all, witchcraft is considered devil's work in the faith). Harry could only look at his friend in a puzzled manner, as Ron's pores began to spout smoke and steam. Hermione stepped into the car, and viewed the spectacle.

"Oh Harry, did you do it again?"

"I didn't mean to. Those monks practically programmed it all into my memory."

Hermione sighed, and then she turned to Ron, "Let us work with the powers of Satan."

Ron stood up, feeling quite better, and shook his head. This had been the seventh time since Harry had spouted the faith in the car, and seeing as seven seemed to be a godly number, it had probably hurt the worst, not counting number three. All he could hope was that Harry would soon be corrupted once again by the powers of evil, and stop his righteous ways.

Hermione sat down, and pulled out a small notebook, and both boys groaned. Recently, she had gotten the bright idea that she would plan each day out for them in advance, as to avoid an adventure for this coming year.

"Now Ron," she began, "I have your goals for this year perfectley set. As a rough outline, you will be doing your hardest in Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions. Outside of school, it'll be study, study, study, and maybe molest Miss Norris a couple times each day, time permitting."

"But Hermione," Ron whined much like always, "Can't I molest a person? I mean, blimey, even Neville's doing more than having inappropriate relations with a cat." And how true this was. Over the summer, Neville had come to America where wider was average, and even your little fatties could get it on with the Malibu babes. When he had come back, Neville was built, tan, STD infested, and proud of it.

Hermione thought this over for a bit. "Alright, you may have unsuitable relations with your sister, then. And as for you, Harry, you will REALLY have to work hard in Potions class, but as long as you keep up on your homework, you may unsanctify my body as you please."

"Um, actually," Harry began to blush.

"What? You can't wait and want to have a go now?" she asked impatiently. After all, he wasn't exactly fit into her schedule at the moment.

"Well, you see," Harry said barely above a whisper, "I've never done anything with anybody. The most was that kiss with Cho Chang, and it was really short, but, after everything that's happened over the summer, I've been thinking-"

Right then the loud voice of Draco Malfoy sounded. "YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX?!" The blond burst into the car, his eyebrow waggle made the girls swoon. "Now, Potter," he said with a smirk on his face, "I knew you were a pathetic loser with no fashion sense and hygiene damnable by a bear, but even I had higher expectations for you. You're even famous and you can't get laid. When my father hears about this-"

"Why do you always have to bring your father into everything?"

"Because I do. Now as I was saying, you're even more disgusting to me than when I found out that you use the same toothbrush more than once."

"I'm disgusting? You're the one who's barged on in without zipping up your fly!"

Draco looked down to where his pants needed attention. "Oh, most sorry. I had been busy in the other room. You know how Patil gets, oh wait, YOU WOULDN'T!! HAH!!"

"Stop it, Malfoy!" Harry fumed, "You might as well hear it along with everyone else!" This was it, the big moment, the time to spout what had been on his mind ever since he had gotten out of the hellish heaven. "Everybody! After everything that I have witnessed this summer, I have decided that I, Harry Potter, will remain chaste until marriage!"
Time froze. People gasped and stared. Even Draco seemed to have been touched by the shock of Harry's words, for even his eyebrow stayed in place. It seemed that the boy who lived had been a bit more affected by the saintly past events, and had changed his way of thinking. Finally, after eternity had taken it's moment, the clock began to tick once more.

"Harry, don't do this!" Ron did his best to hold back his tears of pity, "Think of what you're saying!"

Hermione shook her head fiercely. "This has to be a joke!"

It was only Draco who did not feel sorry for Harry's poor decision making, and sneered at the group of Crabbe, Goyle, and Parkinson huddled around a box of tissues, weeping for the loss of impurity.

"Well, then, Potter," he spat, his saliva enough in quantity to drown Neville's toad, "I suggest we make a small wager on this little life changing ordeal of yours."

"What do you want?" Harry looked at Draco warily. The last time he had made a bet with Draco was in the first year, and was horribly beaten when the Slytherin had proved that 22=19. How it had all come about still stumped him.

Draco could sense the fear in Harry's eyes, not really, but he liked to think he could because it made him feel all snazzy and super. "How about this. So that we can 'test' your pureness, you must find one person and... HOLD THEIR HAND!!!" More gasps in the background were heard, and Harry suppressed himself from shuddering. "If you do this, and have no inclination of wanting to go further, then I will pledge myself to never sleeping with another person again."

"What's the catch?" If Harry knew one thing, there's always a catch in deals and bargains.

"If you DO want to go further, then you have to give me your sister!"

".... I don't have a sister."

"Oh...." Draco looked up at the ceiling, thinking if there was anything else he could get out of this. "Okay, if I win, you've gotta chop it all off."

Just the thought sent chills throughout the train. This was certainly difficult for Harry to decide on. If he took up the bet and lost, he was not too fond of the thought of a caphidure being his best friend for the rest of his life. On the other hand, if he didn't, people would think him as a person who doesn't back up his word, and that would be bad for publicity. Harry swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Alright, Malfoy, but I get to choose the person."

"Fine, Potter. So who's your pick?"

"Severus Snape."

'Ah shit,' were the only words in Draco's mind. There was a 0.001% chance of an arousal out of Harry if that was his option. Then again, it would be interesting to see how the poor bastard would go about it.

"Okay, but there's one condition in this." Draco was sure he had him now, "you must have completed your hand holding task by the end of the week, and the whole holding of the hands process must be a MUTUAL agreement."

Yeah, Harry looked to be all but screwed. Under normal circumstances, he would have wanted an extended due date, but seeing as how there were so many spectators, that wouldn't look too good, so Harry sucked it all up and agreed. Draco looked more than pleased at that moment.

"Well, I hope you have a pleasant week Potter. I know I most certainly will." He then eyed one of the Hufflepuff girls, and was off like a bolt of lighting. No one was truly sure what to say about the whole thing, so the rest of the ride was driven out in silence.

At the castle, everyone seemed to be in a cheerful mood. Professor McGonagal hadn't been aware of her drink being spiked, and was as tipsy as ever, Dumbledore had come down with Alzheimers and had no clue what was going on, Hagrid was excited because of his newest pet back at his hut, and Professor Snape was as unhappy looking, but he always looks like that so it qualifies as cheerful. Of course, what could ever make him ever truly cheerful would be to catch a certain Mr. Potter off guard and give him a years worth of detentions with Filch.

And there he was, the glasses wearing boy with his rag tag buddies, and, oh my, what was this? He seemed to be using the most profane language. Yippee! Snape hurried his way over to where Potter stood.

"Well, Mr. Potter, wherever did you learn such heinous words?" Snape asked him with utmost pleasure.

Harry looked at him, not as he normally did, but with even more of a grimace than usual. This what he had to contend with. This fowl being with gooky hair and nasty teeth... then he thought it over... England nasty teeth= duh. Well, it seemed Harry had now most certainly met his partner, though he wished he could have kept everything in a dislikeable teacher/student relationship, but, alas, if little Wap Wap was to live his life out to a ripe old age, there would be no choice but to go through with the deal... he'd just start tomorrow. And so our wonderful little procrastinator took his newest detention slip of the year, and sat at the Gryfindor table with the rest of his comrades, dreading the days to come.

Yay! I've got one chapter done! Whee! Okay... the thrill's gone now. Please do review, or else I won't bother writing more.