Whoo hoo! We're finally getting to a chapter 3 of this ever wonderous fic that has either pissed or greatly amused the readers of the story. Now then, I do not feel like staying here in this paragraph cuz it bores me. I think getting on to the story would be best.
Ways to Get Your Hand Held
Rule 3: Nod a lot
Snape looked at the class in his same superior manner, carefully not gazing in Harry's general direction, for he found himself still a bit disturbed from earlier events. Harry noticed Snape's eyes never moving towards him in his natural loathing look, which he always seemed oh so fond of doing, and the young wizard found that he could only come up with one conclusion.
"Ron," he whispered to his friend, "See how Snape doesn't look at me? I think he's got a shyness thing and doesn't want me to realize that he's got a thing for me."
Ron looked at Harry utterly appalled. "Blimey! Are you sure?! I thought he was just busy checking out Lavender's new boob job."
A 'boob job' was much more of an understatement than you could imagine. It was more like a construction of the newest set of Twin Towers, that made the Himalayas look like a bump in the road. Lavender looked about proudly as all the boys and some of the girls ogled at her new titties in admiration. Harry overheard Draco whispering to Crabbe and Goyle.
"Yeah, and they look even bigger when her shirt's off. Hot damn, I had to do her from the back cuz they kept getting in the way."
Harry shook his head. No! He must remain celibate, he must... Lavender's titties bouncing around... CELIBACY!!! He clutched his skull, doing what he could to refrain himself from thinking such impure thoughts.
"Mr. Potter," Professor McGonagal said irritably, "Could you please stop thrashing about and pay attention?"
"Sorry ma'am," he replied bluntly, not sure what excuse to make, so he left it silent and open ended. Professor McGonagal seemed ready, now, to address the whole class.
"Today Professor Snape and I will be showing you how to defend yourself against a monster that can be found often hiding in bed sheets and lingerie drawers, known as Phallusium. Phallusium are often easily attracted to circular openings, and that can be used to your advantage. Now, when it comes towards you, wave your wand in the air and say 'scrotumulus.' This should repel the creature, and it will eventually deflate. Mr. Weasley, you can try it first."
Ron stepped forward, standing right in front of the large Victoria Secrets' box, already quivering with fear. He felt his knees wobble as the lid was lifted, and then, right before him stood a great phallus of a monster. Right then, the spell he had learned and all the advice he had been given left him, and he stood trembling in its over compensating presence.
The overly large, seven foot tall penis looked at him in the most displeasing manner, though no one could be sure if it was because of Ron or the fact that its balls itched, but it stared on none the less. As it began to advance, Professor McGonagal noticed that the Weasley boy stood there wide mouthed and nothing more, which was more than a pleasant invitation to the great beast. At this rate, the red head would be mouth fucked before morning tea time. Snape caught on and decided to intervene.
"Scrotumulus!" He wailed as he waved his wand about in the air. The seven foot tall penis then deflated to a mere three feet tall, and began to blush due to its limpness. It then ran back to its Victoria Secrets' box, and began to aid it's injury by rolling about in the vintage bras and lacey G-strings that had remained there.
Professor Snape shot a glare at the Weasley boy, looking terribly pissed. "Mr. Weasley, do you enjoy the thought of being ravaged by a glistening phallus, or does the idea of being a rape victim appeal to you?" The class snickered like a bunch of seven year olds who thought that was the funniest thing they had ever heard. Snape raised his head pompously, thinking himself the coolest person alive to have a bunch of freshly pubescent children laughing at his not too funny statement. Ron turned almost as red as the Phallusium, and Harry knew it was up to him to save his friend from embarrassment. He parked himself in front of the greasy Potions master.
"I think your shoes look awfully spiffy today, sir," he said, not only thinking of Ron, but his bet with Malfoy, "I mean, I've seen shoes before, but those are real shoes! I mean, wow. Shoes!" Ron slipped into the background feeling most relieved, Malfoy sat on the edge of his seat, hoping that the Slytherin teacher wouldn't fall for such a sly pick up line, and Snape looked at Harry once again in shear horror. God, first colours, and now shoes. This boy must have too much time on his hands. The professor then solemnly swore to himself to pile on more homework so that his students would never have the time to daydream about such frivolous matters. As for now, he backed away from the strange child, not wanting to get infected by his stupidity.
The rest of the class seemed to go by quickly, even though Harry still felt awkward that Snape obviously wanted him but was attempting not to show it, whereas Snape was afraid for his sanity, being trapped in a room with such a dumbass for a student. As for Draco, he and Professor McGonagal had made their way to the closet for some extra credit.
After Defense Against the Dark Arts was over, Ron and Harry happily made their way out of the room for nutrition. As they sat in their usual spot, a very shocked Hermione ran towards them.
"Harry, Ron! The worst thing has happened!" She squealed in horror. Ron and Harry looked at her expectantly, wanting to know what had happened.
"Well? What is it?" Ron asked eagerly. Hermione clutched onto his arm as she cried.
"It's just awful," she sobbed, "He got Patil, and now we might have to evacuate the castle."
"Who? Who got Patil," Harry asked, firmly putting a hand on her shoulder.
"A MONK!" She wailed, "A monk found a way inside the castle! Patil and I were walking out of class, talking about the wonders of the occult and how we wish to damn the souls of the world to hell when a monk came out of nowhere. I ran as fast a I could, but in the distance I could hear him chanting on prayer beads and Patil's beastly screaming. It's horrible! Just plain horrible!" From this she broke into a full bawl as Harry and Ron looked at each other in fright.
"A monk," Ron said as he tried to remember a past event from chapter one, "Harry... I think they're coming for you."
Harry froze. How could this be happening to him? Sure, he was the main character of the series, thus drawing the evil forces to him wherever he may roam (kinda reminds me of the Power Rangers I watched when I was six). It made perfect sense. The monks had converted a fraction of his damnable soul, and now they were out to purify the rest of it. If they had their way, not only would they stop him from ever having intercourse with another human being on the planet, but he might never be able to masturbate again! He quivered as Little Wap Wap began to evoke the forces of evil to protect him.
"Seems they want to get you, Potter," came the malicious voice of a certain blonde haired Slytherin.
"What do you want, Malfoy," Harry asked coldly, not in the mood to be taunted by the campus' god of sex. If he had any inkling of what those monks had in store for the boy who lived, Harry would never hear the end of it.
Draco smirked as he noticed how bothered Harry seemed. "I just thought you'd want to know, Potter, that even I am not without sympathy for you. That's why I'm more than willing to take your owl into my custody after you're gone. It'll have a great home in my dog's stomach."
"Leave Hedwig alone," snarled an angry Potter. He had heard enough of Draco's comments.
Malfoy would have stayed to annoy Harry longer, but his own personal needs came first at the moment. "Don't worry Potter," he said as he took his leave, "After Madam Pomfrey removes these warts from my dick, I'll be the first in line to view your shriveled, saintly carcass."
Harry shook his head in annoyance. "What does he think? The monks will touch me and I'll begin to emaciate or something?"
"Well that is what tends to happen when us Satan worshippers get touched by the hand of God," Ron said matter of factly as attempted to pry Hermione off his arm.
All Harry knew was that this was a bad predicament. But if what Ron said was true, then why hadn't he been burned to a crisp when he had been trapped in the monastery over the summer? It didn't really make sense. As he thought of this, though, Professor Snape caught his eye.
At the moment, the greasy professor was scolding a first year Ravenclaw for looking ugly. Harry felt that this would be an opportune time to try to get his hand holding mission over, before Little Wap Wap was sentenced to death. He made his way towards Snape.
"... Dammit, child! If I were as ugly as you when I was born, the doctor would have taken one look at me and slapped my mother! I suggest that you go to Madam Pomfrey and have her mend your face. 50 points from Ravenclaw and a weeks worth of detention for you on the grounds of indecent exposure. Now go!" Snape snarled at the young girl, who burst into tears as she ran away. What she didn't know was that she could use this on the grounds of later growing up, somehow getting hot, and with a dark past at the same time so that she could attract the main character to her, and be the everyday Mary Sue. Too bad those stories really suck, so the ugly Ravenclaw girl will never be heard from again.
"Professor Snape," Harry said timidly, hoping he had not come at a bad time, "I was wondering if, er-"
"If you are here to talk about colours or shoes, I swear I will hang you from your pinky toes in a fish tank and let piranhas eat your flesh!" Snape backed away, trying to be threatening towards the scary child.
"Now Professor," Harry knew what topic must be addressed, and wished he knew better how to go about it, "I understand how you feel. I mean, I can't really blame you because I have a tendency to draw this type of attention from people. Some romance writers say it's my eyes and angsty ways, while fans of lemons argue that under my robes I have nice pecs and chiseled abs. Whatever the case may be, you shouldn't feel ashamed about your feelings."
Snape was now more worried than he had been when he was eleven years old and had been caught reading a Christian magazine by his daddy. What was this kid talking about?! Was he some kind of fear sensing radar, come to destroy all that was unholy?!
"What are you talking about Potter?" He asked defensively, readying his wand if the child tried anything foolish.
"Well, what I mean to say is," Harry hesitated for a moment, "I realize that you're in love with me, and you don't need to feel bad, so lets hold hands and be happy."
Snape's face turned a ghostly white. He in love with Harry Potter? What a disgusting thought. There was only one thing to be done about this, and that'd be a lecture, a good, long, boring one that would, in time, split the youth's ears in two.
"Mr. Potter, that is the most revolting thing I have ever heard," the professor began, "First of all, you're the son of my arch nemesis, and such an emotion would be beneath me. Secondly, you wear glasses, and being around with a nerd would be totally gross. Then there is the fact that, in general, I hate you."
Harry nodded in understanding, a bit too much, to make it look like he was paying attention, even though he wasn't hearing one word the older man was saying. He knew that chicks loved it when you paid attention to everything they said, so the same must be true for guys who like guys, or something like that, to which he couldn't be sure. Snape pressed on through his lecture throughout the rest of the break, and found himself quite unhappy when it was time to go back to class.
"We'll finish this later, Potter," he said, and then stormed down the halls to the dungeons. Ron ran over to where Harry stood.
"Well, what happened?" He asked, a bit too curious for his own good.
Harry gulped. "I think he just asked me out."
Yes, I have yet again finished another chapter (took long enough) and must say that, so far, I am quite proud of my work, though the religious and terribly chaste may disagree with me. Review my stuff, cuz that'd be awesome, and I do believe that I'll have to re rate my story from PG-13 to R, so the angry flamers can't stick me with under rating due to a large phallus running rampant on the scene. For the rest of you, tl the next chapter!