Why Fangirls Should Never Be Given Creative License
Chapter One: A Trip to Hogwarts
It was a lovely British day that dawned on the lovely British school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The entertaining and British students were wandering about the castle at random, studying, skipping class, and making out in the hallways. Of course, none of these other students could be seen because HARRY POTTER was out and about on this particular lovely British day.
Harry, in his new role as an angst-laden teenager, was berating his friends for their behavior.
"Why are you two always fighting? Don't you realize that I, the boy with the magical scar, am in deep angst! Sirius has just kicked off and I'm deeply depressed!"
Hermione, in her bushy-haired brilliant glory, rolled her eyes. "You're deeply depressed? You, my friend, have yet to hit puberty. Ron and I on the other hand, are fighting to keep our raging hormones in check for your convenience. So please, either magick yourself into puberty or SHUT UP." She flounced off, brown hair bouncing wildly around her shoulders. This naturally caught the attention of lesser male characters that were busy entertaining of thoughts of riding her robes (figuratively or literally, reader's discretion) and fighting their raging hormones.
Ron was too busy practicing his "I'm so petrified" face to pay much attention to Hermione's amazingly astute outburst. "What do you think of this one Harry Potter? Too much?" He opened his mouth as wide as possible. Then he closed it. "Of course, it'll be a lot more effective with my new and improved manly scream."
Harry ignored him. "Too busy being angst-y. Can't chat." He sped up, and crossed the amazingly disproportionate lawn to enter the magnificent halls of Hogwarts. Once in the halls, Harry Potter was on the lookout for anyone he could somehow attack, and then turn the situation around so that he would come out smelling like roses.
Unfortunately, the only person in the hall was that hunky Potions Master SEVERUS SNAPE. "Potter." He sneered, and every girl nearby was swept away by the flood of raging hormones.
Harry thought about doing something horrible to that hunky Potions Master Severus Snape. After all, he wouldn't be the first one to be absolutely wretched to that poor misunderstood hunky Potions Master. But then again, Snape was talented as well as hunky, and picking on the talented as well as hunky was sure to get him murdered somehow.
"Snivellus!" Harry replied cheerfully, bounding away before he could be murdered somehow.
The hunky Potions Master was of course, inwardly crushed by Harry Potter's standard cruel deviant behavior. "If I wasn't such a man of honor, I'd totally run back to Voldemort and go back to my evil ways. But since I AM one of the good guys…" he trailed off. The hunky Potions Master would've sworn he had heard a chorus of fangirl coos. Then he shook his magnificent and appealing hair out of his gorgeous and moody face. "As I AM one of the good guys, I'll assist him while all the while secretly cheering for his demise." With a dramatic flourish of his swirling black robes, the hunky Potions Master slinked down the basement to brood in peace.
Having done his daily duty in annoying the hunky Potions Master, Harry Potter tra-la-la-la-la'ed off to the Gryffindor common room. Being that this was Harry Potter's world that ran on Harry Potter's rules, Hermione and Ron were eagerly awaiting his arrival. The other students in the room were of no importance because they were lowly minor-characters who had no part of the plot at all.
The bushy-haired genius was buried in a pile of books, parchment, and confiscated items (seeing as how she was a prefect and a law-abiding citizen). She looked up to give Harry the customary "You-Would-Be-So-SCREWED-If-I-Wasn't-Such-A-Saint-And-Lent-You-My-Notes-AND-Checked-Your-Homework" look. Then she dove back into her studies, for she was a bushy-haired genius.
Ron was busy not doing his work. "Oi Harry! Meet some girl who was randomly Sorted into our House at the wrong time AND the wrong year!" He said cheerfully, for the randomly sorted girl was paying the utmost attention to him.
Harry stared at the strange girl. "...and you are?"
"Can't talk. Busy loving Ron." she replied.
Harry shook his head. If he couldn't get attention in the Gryffindor common room, then he would go wandering the halls in search of recognition.
Being that it was the magical world of Harry Potter, and the laws of physics and nature didn't apply, it was night when Harry Potter began his pointless rambling around the lovely British school of witchcraft and wizardry.
It was in these hallowed halls of magical learning that he stumbled on yet another randomly sorted girl. And the horror that ensued...oh the horror that ensued!
The randomly sorted girl was in Slytherin colors. That wasn't so bad, even though she was amazingly attractive. No...the worse part was that the randomly sorted girl in Slytherin colors was attached to the lips to the hunky Potions Master. But Harry, being the quick thinker that he was, managed to come up with a smooth and believable response.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
The randomly sorted Slytherin girl finally detached herself from the hunky Potions Master's delectible lips. "Scuse much, but you're ruining my make-out time with the hottest male character in this whole bloody school."
Snape gave her a gentle rap on the head with his beautifully sculpted hands. "Language, my wonderful self-inserted authoress."
Harry managed to stop screaming. "Your what?"
The randomly sorted Slytherin girl rolled her eyes and gave a gusty sigh. She somehow managed to pull herself out of the hunky Potions Master's arms. She stuck out her hand. "Hi. I'm EL, the wonderfully talented and stunningly beautiful self-inserted babe of this story. I'm writing this even as I'm introducing myself to you, and if you choose to anger me, I can have you dropped into a pit of boiling acid faster than you can say 'bloody hell'."
Harry took her hand, feeling somewhat numb.
"Yes, the numbness is from the absolute shock of being introduced to something so lovely that you can't have." EL smiled pleasantly. Her short auburn hair seemed to move of its own accord, giving the illusion of some long-lost heroine caught in a non-existant breeze. "It must suck for you to lose fabulous lil me to the hunky and talented Potions Master." She shrugged.
Snape blushed.
EL continued. "But fanfic-life is just like that." she pulled her hand away, and waved it in general dismissal. "Now if you'll excuse me, Severus and I must be getting back to our illicit affair." she grabbed a handful of Snape's wicked black robes, and they disappeared.
Harry continued to wander around the school in a daze. The horrible but beautiful EL was somehow working with Voldemort. She just had to be. No one could be that pretty and that evil and not working for Voldemort.
His feet led him to the Quidditch pitch, after much arguing that went something like this:
Left foot: Forbidden Forest!
Right foot: Absolutely not! I got a pine needle right in the sole, I'm not going back there!
Left foot: Baby!
Right foot: Suck my toe jam!
Of course, Harry was oblivious to his arguing feet. Once they (meaning his feet) had made up their collective mind and taken him to the Quidditch pitch, Harry was once again stunned and otherwise visually assaulted.
Oliver Wood and another randomly sorted girl were making out in the middle of the pitch. This random girl was in Gryffindor colors.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...again!"
The random girl in Gryffindor colors gave him the same disgusted and annoyed look EL of Slytherin had given him. "Ok, you're interrupting my much need Oliver-time." she said huffily.
Oliver Wood grinned cheekily (but it's not like he ever had any other way of grinning, that adorable little guy with the cute accent). "Oi Harry!"
"But...you graduated!"
Oliver Wood raised one bushy eyebrow. "Soo...You haven't run into EL have you?"
"I did......" Harry replied dumbly.
The random girl in Gryffindor colors rolled her eyes. Then she got out her wand. "Lemme spell it out so you can go away faster." she started waving her wand in a complicated matter. Silvery white words flowed from its tip.
Harry began to read:
EL IS WRITING A WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL STORY IN WHICH SHE HAS THE MAN OF HER DREAMS AND I, THE INCREDIBLY WACKY BUT ADORABLE VIRGINIA GET MINE. NOW GET LOST BEFORE I CURSE YOUR NOSE ONTO YOUR BUTT.
Harry decided it was high time to leave. He made it back to the Gryffindor common room virtually unscathed. Sadly, it would be the last horrible slash of the evening, for he would pass out from shock.
Afterall, what sane person could walk in on Hermione and Draco making out and not pass out?
Chapter One: A Trip to Hogwarts
It was a lovely British day that dawned on the lovely British school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The entertaining and British students were wandering about the castle at random, studying, skipping class, and making out in the hallways. Of course, none of these other students could be seen because HARRY POTTER was out and about on this particular lovely British day.
Harry, in his new role as an angst-laden teenager, was berating his friends for their behavior.
"Why are you two always fighting? Don't you realize that I, the boy with the magical scar, am in deep angst! Sirius has just kicked off and I'm deeply depressed!"
Hermione, in her bushy-haired brilliant glory, rolled her eyes. "You're deeply depressed? You, my friend, have yet to hit puberty. Ron and I on the other hand, are fighting to keep our raging hormones in check for your convenience. So please, either magick yourself into puberty or SHUT UP." She flounced off, brown hair bouncing wildly around her shoulders. This naturally caught the attention of lesser male characters that were busy entertaining of thoughts of riding her robes (figuratively or literally, reader's discretion) and fighting their raging hormones.
Ron was too busy practicing his "I'm so petrified" face to pay much attention to Hermione's amazingly astute outburst. "What do you think of this one Harry Potter? Too much?" He opened his mouth as wide as possible. Then he closed it. "Of course, it'll be a lot more effective with my new and improved manly scream."
Harry ignored him. "Too busy being angst-y. Can't chat." He sped up, and crossed the amazingly disproportionate lawn to enter the magnificent halls of Hogwarts. Once in the halls, Harry Potter was on the lookout for anyone he could somehow attack, and then turn the situation around so that he would come out smelling like roses.
Unfortunately, the only person in the hall was that hunky Potions Master SEVERUS SNAPE. "Potter." He sneered, and every girl nearby was swept away by the flood of raging hormones.
Harry thought about doing something horrible to that hunky Potions Master Severus Snape. After all, he wouldn't be the first one to be absolutely wretched to that poor misunderstood hunky Potions Master. But then again, Snape was talented as well as hunky, and picking on the talented as well as hunky was sure to get him murdered somehow.
"Snivellus!" Harry replied cheerfully, bounding away before he could be murdered somehow.
The hunky Potions Master was of course, inwardly crushed by Harry Potter's standard cruel deviant behavior. "If I wasn't such a man of honor, I'd totally run back to Voldemort and go back to my evil ways. But since I AM one of the good guys…" he trailed off. The hunky Potions Master would've sworn he had heard a chorus of fangirl coos. Then he shook his magnificent and appealing hair out of his gorgeous and moody face. "As I AM one of the good guys, I'll assist him while all the while secretly cheering for his demise." With a dramatic flourish of his swirling black robes, the hunky Potions Master slinked down the basement to brood in peace.
Having done his daily duty in annoying the hunky Potions Master, Harry Potter tra-la-la-la-la'ed off to the Gryffindor common room. Being that this was Harry Potter's world that ran on Harry Potter's rules, Hermione and Ron were eagerly awaiting his arrival. The other students in the room were of no importance because they were lowly minor-characters who had no part of the plot at all.
The bushy-haired genius was buried in a pile of books, parchment, and confiscated items (seeing as how she was a prefect and a law-abiding citizen). She looked up to give Harry the customary "You-Would-Be-So-SCREWED-If-I-Wasn't-Such-A-Saint-And-Lent-You-My-Notes-AND-Checked-Your-Homework" look. Then she dove back into her studies, for she was a bushy-haired genius.
Ron was busy not doing his work. "Oi Harry! Meet some girl who was randomly Sorted into our House at the wrong time AND the wrong year!" He said cheerfully, for the randomly sorted girl was paying the utmost attention to him.
Harry stared at the strange girl. "...and you are?"
"Can't talk. Busy loving Ron." she replied.
Harry shook his head. If he couldn't get attention in the Gryffindor common room, then he would go wandering the halls in search of recognition.
Being that it was the magical world of Harry Potter, and the laws of physics and nature didn't apply, it was night when Harry Potter began his pointless rambling around the lovely British school of witchcraft and wizardry.
It was in these hallowed halls of magical learning that he stumbled on yet another randomly sorted girl. And the horror that ensued...oh the horror that ensued!
The randomly sorted girl was in Slytherin colors. That wasn't so bad, even though she was amazingly attractive. No...the worse part was that the randomly sorted girl in Slytherin colors was attached to the lips to the hunky Potions Master. But Harry, being the quick thinker that he was, managed to come up with a smooth and believable response.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
The randomly sorted Slytherin girl finally detached herself from the hunky Potions Master's delectible lips. "Scuse much, but you're ruining my make-out time with the hottest male character in this whole bloody school."
Snape gave her a gentle rap on the head with his beautifully sculpted hands. "Language, my wonderful self-inserted authoress."
Harry managed to stop screaming. "Your what?"
The randomly sorted Slytherin girl rolled her eyes and gave a gusty sigh. She somehow managed to pull herself out of the hunky Potions Master's arms. She stuck out her hand. "Hi. I'm EL, the wonderfully talented and stunningly beautiful self-inserted babe of this story. I'm writing this even as I'm introducing myself to you, and if you choose to anger me, I can have you dropped into a pit of boiling acid faster than you can say 'bloody hell'."
Harry took her hand, feeling somewhat numb.
"Yes, the numbness is from the absolute shock of being introduced to something so lovely that you can't have." EL smiled pleasantly. Her short auburn hair seemed to move of its own accord, giving the illusion of some long-lost heroine caught in a non-existant breeze. "It must suck for you to lose fabulous lil me to the hunky and talented Potions Master." She shrugged.
Snape blushed.
EL continued. "But fanfic-life is just like that." she pulled her hand away, and waved it in general dismissal. "Now if you'll excuse me, Severus and I must be getting back to our illicit affair." she grabbed a handful of Snape's wicked black robes, and they disappeared.
Harry continued to wander around the school in a daze. The horrible but beautiful EL was somehow working with Voldemort. She just had to be. No one could be that pretty and that evil and not working for Voldemort.
His feet led him to the Quidditch pitch, after much arguing that went something like this:
Left foot: Forbidden Forest!
Right foot: Absolutely not! I got a pine needle right in the sole, I'm not going back there!
Left foot: Baby!
Right foot: Suck my toe jam!
Of course, Harry was oblivious to his arguing feet. Once they (meaning his feet) had made up their collective mind and taken him to the Quidditch pitch, Harry was once again stunned and otherwise visually assaulted.
Oliver Wood and another randomly sorted girl were making out in the middle of the pitch. This random girl was in Gryffindor colors.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...again!"
The random girl in Gryffindor colors gave him the same disgusted and annoyed look EL of Slytherin had given him. "Ok, you're interrupting my much need Oliver-time." she said huffily.
Oliver Wood grinned cheekily (but it's not like he ever had any other way of grinning, that adorable little guy with the cute accent). "Oi Harry!"
"But...you graduated!"
Oliver Wood raised one bushy eyebrow. "Soo...You haven't run into EL have you?"
"I did......" Harry replied dumbly.
The random girl in Gryffindor colors rolled her eyes. Then she got out her wand. "Lemme spell it out so you can go away faster." she started waving her wand in a complicated matter. Silvery white words flowed from its tip.
Harry began to read:
EL IS WRITING A WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL STORY IN WHICH SHE HAS THE MAN OF HER DREAMS AND I, THE INCREDIBLY WACKY BUT ADORABLE VIRGINIA GET MINE. NOW GET LOST BEFORE I CURSE YOUR NOSE ONTO YOUR BUTT.
Harry decided it was high time to leave. He made it back to the Gryffindor common room virtually unscathed. Sadly, it would be the last horrible slash of the evening, for he would pass out from shock.
Afterall, what sane person could walk in on Hermione and Draco making out and not pass out?