"Quirrel?!" Harry stumbled back, shocked that it wasn't Snape. How could this be?

"You're surprised, aren't you, Harry?" Quirrel said, obviously delighted. "No one would suspect the st-st-st-stuttering professor Quirrel!"

"I should have known you were working with Snape!" Harry exclaimed. It really was obvious from the start.

"I-what?!" Quirrel looked puzzled for a moment before shaking his head. "Nevermind. Just because I enjoy a game of muggle xbox and that I named myself after Sciurus carolinensis, the eastern Grey squirrel, does not mean that I am to be underestimated!"

Harry was shocked. This man named himself after a squirrel? He really should have known. He must have been blind to ignore the signs.

As if to validate these findings, Harry's scar throbbed and he clutched at it in pain. He was in real danger now! Snape must be nearby!

"Come out here, coward!" Harry yelled. "I know you're there!"

Quirrel stepped back and assessed Harry, who was crouching down in pain.

"My lord, now is not the time-" Quirrel called to who was most probably Snape. But then Harry heard a voice, a terrible raspy voice that came from behind Quirrel's turban? Did Snape shrink himself to hide in there or something?

"It's in the mirror, fool!" The voice yelled. Quirrel shoved Harry aside and his heels clacked up to the mirror, which Harry now recognized as the same that he had seen his parents in before.

"Master, I see myself holding the rock. I see myself presenting it to you. But how do I get it?!" Quirrell was distracted so Harry decided he should leave to go get help. Just as he was about to escape, the voice spoke again.

"Use Harry! He's the chosen one; it will probably work for him!" Quirrell waved his hand and Harry was pulled back to the mirror violently, Quirrel then made him gaze into it. He really could use his plot armor right about now.

"What do you see?" Harry saw himself in the mirror, except his reflection wasn't matching his movements. It held up both of its hands, and inside of them was a glowing brownish green rock. His reflection then threw the stone at the mirror, which caused it to fly out and land conveniently in Harry's pocket. Quirrell somehow didn't notice that happening. Weird.

"I see my parents and…I'm holding the quidditch cup!" Harry lied.

"Are you serious-" Quirrell started to say, before he was cut off by a hiss. "My lord, you're not strong enough…but- yes my lord." He turned around, reached up and began to unravel his turban. Harry watched in morbid fascination as a really ugly face became visible.

"OH MY GOD!" Harry yelled. This face was ugly. Like really ugly.

"Yes that's right, Harry. It is I, Voldemort!" Told you guys that would be important!

"Oh." Harry had no idea what to say to that since he was expecting Snape. Plus, this Voldemort that everyone was scared of was stuck to the back of another man's head. And he was ugly.

"Harry… We don't need to be enemies… With the fertilizer produced by the Phosphorus Rock, we can bring your parents back…" Voldemort hissed, could he not breathe or something?

"My parents that you killed?" Harry was confused. Why kill his parents if you're just gonna revive them? NOT COOL!

"...Yes, your filthy- your wonderful muggle mother and your father too! And I'll create a new body and achieve immortality as well but don't worry about that." Voldemort was really trying his hardest to be persuasive but it wasn't working.

"I'd make my own Phosphorus Rock but it requires 1500 gallons of urine and Quirrell is too weak to produce it for me…" Quirrell looked like he was going to argue but he stayed quiet.

"Yeah, no thanks. I'm the chosen one and the BWL, I don't need you!" Harry said heroically. Chaotically. Hopefully that plot armor was still working because he wasn't sure how else he would escape this situation as an 11 year old.

"I wouldn't make decisions so rashly, young Harry. After all, I know that you have the rock!" Quirrel's body teetered as he lunged at Harry.

There was a bright flash of light as Quirreldemort's hand made contact with Harry's skin. The clouds parted to reveal a heavenly tank with its pearly machine gun aimed at him. With a deafening series of shots and flashes of holy light, Quirreldemort collapsed, righteous bullet holes riddling their body. Harry collapsed as well, exhausted from saving everyone. Everything turned black.

Timeskip lol

Harry struggled to open his eyes, his body aching in pain. Being a hero really had its drawbacks sometimes. He grappled for his glasses (yeah that's right, he has glasses, can we get a woop for glasses representation?). There was a blurry figure that helped him put his glasses on…and it was Hermione! He thought he had lost her!

"Hermione!" He gasped. A red head boy was sitting next to her as well.

"RON!" He struggled to sit up. "YOU'RE ALIVE!"

"You thought I died? Is that why Hermione said 'it's what he would've wanted' before you guys abandoned me while I was tying my shoes?" Ron asked with a hurt look on his face. Harry didn't answer him, because someone else had just entered the hospital wing. It was… Dumbledore!

"Would you two please allow me to speak with Harry alone?" His eyes twinkled brightly like a spotlight on Ron and Hermione until they ran blindly from the room. Dumbledore took a seat next to Harry and Harry noticed that he was frantically writing in a book. Probably his newest entry in the series about his life.

"Harry, I'm not sure how you defeated Quirrell and Voldemort down in the mirror room but rest assured the events are very secret. Therefore, all of my readers and the school know about it!" His eyes twinkled (seriously guys HOW does he do this) and Harry gave a nervous smile in return. He didn't really want to point out that he should have been getting revenue from these books.

"Looks like someone left you some Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans!" Dumbledore continued on, taking a bite from Harry's pile of get well gifts. "Alas, earwax."

Harry didn't even bother to understand what this old man was talking about. Dumbledore's eyes just twinkled on like always.

Anyway, that's basically the gist of it. Hermione got the highest points in her year, and Ron's hair was red like always. Gryffindor won the house cup by four thousand even though they didn't win the quidditch cup due to Harry saving literally everyone. And Harry? Well, Harry learned that he was basically undefeatable. I mean, who could win against literal heaven and plot armor?!

And so they made Harry go back to his abusive family for 3 months with only a photo album of his dead parents to comfort him. All was well.

Roll credits!

A/N BB: THANKS FOR READING! Shoutout to my mom hi

A/N W: Hope you enjoyed it! Watch out for Harry Potter and the Secret Chamber or whatever we end up calling it, coming whenever we decide to make it. Thx