Rejected By City Hall
by Aaron D.
"So, I lost my job watering the city's lawns because I started to rust again!" Sprinkler Man sobbed.
Yard Lady, formerly Yard Man, sighed, picked up the flask out of her jacket, and began drinking. The thing about Sprinkler Man was that he was a crybaby. That might have seemed fitting for a robot of the 000 Series whose power was to shoot water forth from the many small openings throughout his body. It probably WAS fitting, but it was also damned annoying. Especially when he cried.
Yard Lady realized this may have been somewhat unkind of her to point out, but it wasn't like she was actually saying it. She was only thinking it. The other thing about Sprinkler Man was that his face was basically an old-style lawn sprinkler with two large white eyes set in the middle. It was hard to take someone who looked like that seriously.
"You think you've got it tough," she interrupted, addressing the entire group session of Dr. Wily's Robot Rejects. "I woke up last month with a pair of fucking tits and eighty percent of Monstropolis's robot population trying to get into my pants. Beat that, you pussy."
"We know you've had to make some...difficult adjustments, Yard Ma-Lady," said Proto Man in his "group therapy" voice. Yard Lady had recently learned he was much, much less well-adjusted than he seemed when leading a session of the Robot Rejects. "We respect your problems, but please remember you need to respect everyone else's problems, too."
"All right," she grumbled. "Sorry, Sprinkler Man."
"It's okay," he said, and she knew it WAS okay, now, because he was staring with those two googly white eyes at her newly-remodeled chest.
As she had done several times in the past few weeks, Yard Lady walked over to the Robot Rejects coffee pot, so generously supplied by Monstropolis Community Center #3, and poured herself a cup of java, spiking it liberally with rye whiskey. She sat down at her designated spot in the circle just as Centaur Man was sharing his latest difficulty.
"It's really tough to work in a china store with my...unique body style," said the centaur robot. "I break something pretty much every day, and sometimes it's hard to justify why I did it..."
Yard Lady tried not to groan. Most robots would have said she now led a privileged life, being the prototype of the 100 Series of all-female robots and all, just like Mega Man (or, it could be argued, Proto Man) was the first robot of the 000 Series. It had its perks-she didn't really have to mow lawns all day, unless she wanted to, she could get free booze on Dr. Light's tab, in face she could get a LOT of free stuff, from movie tickets to hotel rooms to luxury suites for the Montropolis Monsters games-but overall, she wasn't sure she was any better off than she had been as Yard Man.
This definitely had its downside, some of which she'd already brought up during this meeting. Dr. Light, old horn-dog that he was, had wanted Yard Lady's costume to be nothing but a yellow-and-green body wrap that barely covered anything at all, plus some kind of weird-looking green tiara to go amongst her blond hair. Yard Lady compromised. She wore Dr. Light's costume, then wore Yard Man's old costume on top of it. This had managed to work quite well, and it even still looked fairly feminine, although she wasn't sure whether that was a good or bad thing. The funny thing was, while her old body had been substantially bulkier than her new one, the chest plate of her armor still fit perfectly. This had led Yard Lady to believe that Dr. Light had built her to some juvenile standard of female beauty that, unfortunately, Yard Man would have been very attracted to. Luckily, she didn't have to wear her costume except while working and during public appearances.
As Yard Lady finished her spiked coffee, listening to Centaur Man's problems with his ridiculous job, she spilled some on her chest. Damn it! She picked up a napkin from the table behind her and started wiping up the mess. Urrgh! This was her favorite T-shirt, and that stain was really in there. She started rubbing the stain vigorously, grunting with the effort.
At some point, Yard Lady realized that everyone had ceased talking, and that all the Robot Rejects were now staring at her activity with great interest. Then, she thought about what she had been doing must have looked like from a male perspective. "Sorry," she apologized as Sprinkler Man began shooting water uncontrollably from his pebbled body.
"If you're done..." Proto Man said.
"No, I'm not done," said Yard Lady. "I'm tired of hanging around here all the time. Let's take a field trip this weekend or something. We could go to Vegas."
Everyone looked around at each other. "We don't really have the money for that," said Dolphin Man apologetically.
"Yeah," said Door Man, a Robot Reject that Yard Lady had never met before tonight. "I'd love to hit the slots, but I've got a job. I can take some days off, but I don't get paid. I can't afford it." Door Man worked as a doorman at a local apartment complex, and although his body was, indeed, a large door, it didn't really lead to anywhere except the other side of his body, a reason for which he had not been selected to fight Mega Man in any of Dr. Wily's campaigns.
"You mean the club doesn't have any funding at all?" said Yard Lady.
"Well," said Proto Man, "we do have the volunteer fund, which everyone is encouraged to contribute to, but most of us don't make that much money, so right now it's only got thirteen dollars and forty-one cents in it. Not enough to go to Vegas, that's for sure."
"We're in a Community Center," said Yard Lady. "Doesn't that mean we're officially a city organization? And that means we're entitled to some grant money."
"Aye," said Leprechaun Man. "The lass is right. Sure'n we need ta get on the dole."
"Damn straight, honey," said Star Man.
"So let's all go down to City Hall tomorrow and get the Robot Rejects some money straight from Uncle Sucker," said Yard Lady. The Robot Rejects rose from their seats and cheered in unison.
Yard Lady woke up the next morning around ten AM, showered, and got dressed in her most conservative-looking business attire, binding her hair back severely. The only way she was discernable from a human woman, besides her physically inconceivable figure, that was, was the small red "R" patch on her left breast pocket. Satisified with her appearance, she went downstairs and was almost to Dr. Light's front door when she was stopped.
"Oh, good morning, Yard Lady? Where are you off to?"
"I'm going to City Hall," Yard Lady said perfunctorily. "We're gonna try to get the Robot Rejects some public funding."
Roll looked cockeyed at the newly-remodeled groundskeeping robot. "Why are you going to do that? Why don't you stay here and make some tea, then we'll drink it and clean up the living room? Mega Man always loves it when I do that."
"Uh, yeah," said Yard Lady, "I'm sure he does. I have better things to do, though, so off I go..."
Roll stopped her before she could escape. "Why do you hang out with those losers, anyway? You're not a reject. You're one of the most remarkable robots on the planet." Roll was always trying to "bond" with Yard Lady, maybe because they were the only two female sapient robots currently in existence.
Yeah, you bitch, thought Yard Lady, you didn't think I was so great back when I was a guy, did you? "Look," she said, "one thing I know about the Robot Rejects is that I can trust them. They were my friends back when I was a nobody, so I know they're not just hanging around me because I'm hot or because I'm new and popular, you know what I mean?"
Roll smiled at her blankly, without an iota of understanding. "No, not really."
"That's what I thought," said Yard Lady, and she walked out the door.
The Robot Rejects met in front of City Hall promptly at eleven, just as they'd agreed the night previous. Except for Yard Lady and Star Man, no one was in civilian formalwear whatsoever. Star Man was sharply dressed in a white disco suit, complete with lavender scarf and ice blue dancing shoes. Everyone else had just worn their battle costumes, Proto Man included.
"All right," said Proto Man, "let's go on in. I did some checking, and the Municipal Funding Department is located on the first floor, Room 237. Apparently all we need to do is fill out a few forms, and we've got government supplements! Let's get moving!"
The Robot Rejects trudged up the stairs, and after making a few turns within City Hall, arrived at the Municipal Funding Department. "Excuse me," Proto Man said to the woman at the window, "our group would like to apply for a monthly city stipend."
"Name?"
"Dr. Wily's Robot Rejects."
"Purpose of group?"
"Uh, to provide a place of social and emotional support for those robots who have been rejected by Dr. Wily."
"And Dr. Light," interjected Yard Lady, who had been built by Dr. Light but had never even been considered as one of Dr. Wily's lieutenants.
"And Dr. Light," Proto Man repeated, as he had also been rejected by Dr. Light.
"Wait a second," said the woman. "Are you sure you haven't already applied for this?"
"Yes," said Dolphin Man from behind the others.
The woman typed up something on her computer. "It says here that Bubble Man has already applied for a group grant under the name 'Wily's Robot Rejects.' There must be some mistake, unless you are fraudulently representing yourselves, in which case I'll have no choice but to remand you to police custody."
Tears started flowing out from under Proto Man's visor. "You mean we can't...uh!" The first of the 000 Series sank to the carpeted floor, sobbing.
Yard Lady sighed. This was one of Proto Man's problems. Most people were unaware of this difficulty. Proto Man had an unbelievably sensitive personality. Even back when he had first fought Mega Man, this emotional sensitivity had played a part. Anytime it looked like Mega Man was about to defeat his older brother, Proto Man had just evacuated the battle. This much was general knowledge, but what was not known was that after teleporting out, Proto Man had spent the next three days crying in the fetal position at Mega Man's rejection of him. In fact, so little was known of these battles that most civilians still thought of Proto Man as Break Man, name which Dr. Wily had given him.
So, Proto Man had been prone to fits of depression, culminating in his crying on the floor, generally in the fetal position. This was what the white-and-red clad robot was doing now.
"Aw, great!" Yard Lady complained to the clerk. "Look what you did! He's in a fit of depression! Now I'm gonna have to sleep with him to cheer him up!"
"Huh?" Proto Man said with great interest, sitting up on the floor.
"I KNEW IT!" Yard Lady screamed in triumph. "I knew you were faking those little fits!"
Suddenly, all of the lights in City Hall flickered out. Then, a strangely familiar voice came over the public address system. "Attention, all of youse currently in Monstropolis City Hall. This is Dr. Albert Wily. My good friend and compatriot, Thunder Man, happens to be currently holdin' your mayor hostage, and I recommend you surrender the city to me, pronto, or face the consequences..."
TO BE CONTINUED...