On top of spaghetti...all covered with cheese
Hawkeye had been singing that song for weeks. When he was too tired to sing it, he hummed it. When he woke up, when he was in the mess tent, when he was in OR, the Officers Club, Post Op, the showers, even the latrine, when he went to sleep and on a few occasions while he was asleep.
During the first week he had managed to get a small following of people who also hummed along to it. The few, who knew the words, sang with him. It was generally...not so bad.
By the second week those few people were becoming fewer and fewer and by the beginning of the third week had stopped altogether.
The camp was understandably getting sick and tired of hearing it.
BJ had
threatened to lock him out of the swamp; covered in jam and feathers
with bull ants, naked.
Charles had threatened to cut out his
tongue with a blunt scalpel.
Potter had threatened an order,
realised that wouldn't do a thing, threatened a court martial,
again wouldn't do a thing, then threatened to have him banned from
the officer's club.
Margaret had threatened him numerous times
to kick him out of her tent and more recently to remove a certain,
very important part of his anatomy, piece by piece.
Klinger had
threatened him with a face full of 5 star mess tent cuisine.
The
enlisted and nurses were past the threatening stage and just ignored
him.
Yet Hawkeye still continued with it. Even when he came face to face with a few of these threats.
"Mmm Hmm
Mmm Hmm MMMHMM...BJ...BJ...Beej come on open up! I need my
boots!"
"Not til you either get a new song or SHUT UP!"
"Come
on it's a great tune...you know you love it! Now come on...let me
in!"
"When you learn that I Don't love...that NO ONE loves
it...THEN and ONLY THEN will I let you in."
"Fine then...I'll
go find better company!"
"Mmm Hmm
Mmm Hmm MMMHMM...all covered with cheese..."
"GO
AWAY!"
"Margaret..."
"I'm not listening to you"
"Gee
what's everyone so grumpy about?"
"Take one...BIG...CHEESY...guess
maestro."
"BJ's moustache? Told him it was big and cheesy
and stupid."
"You'd be the expert on all things stupid."
"He
really should shave it off..."
"There you go, changing the
topic."
"Peg'll most likely make him once he's home...Mmm
Hmmm Mmmmm Hmmm Mmm..."
"Hawkeye"
"Yes?"
"As
much as it'll pain me and my enjoyment, if you don't stop that
incessant singing within the next five seconds, I'm going to slice
up and cut off every inch of a very important tool in
producing offspring."
"Can't talk now Margaret...gotta go.
Mmm Hmm Mmm Hmm love you...Mmm Hmm Mmm Hmm Mmm..."
"One of
these days Hawkeye Pierce..."
After five and a half weeks of non-stop singing, some of the enlisted were considering death threats or drugging him and shipping him off to the Chinese. The officers weren't far behind.
"Colonel
Potter you've got to do something." (Charles)
"I can't
stand it much longer!" (Klinger)
"I'd rather listen to
Charles' records non-stop for a month." (BJ)
"He doesn't
hear a word I say when I talk to him..." (Margaret)
"I'm
ready to...you would?" (Charles)
"Can't you do something
sir?" (Klinger)
"I've tried kicking him out..."
(Margaret)
"Bach or Mozart?" (Charles)
"I'm ready to
kill him!" (BJ)
"I've got 4 of my uncles in Toledo ready to
take him out..." (Klinger)
"I just can't say no to him..."
(Margaret)
"I was only using you as a measurement for my
frustration." (BJ)
"Oh just typical!" (Charles)
"I
really wouldn't want to..." (Margaret)
""""BUT HE'S
REALLY GETTING ANNOYING!""""
"Alright, ALRIGHT! I heard
you lot the first time 4 weeks ago. It just so happens I had a call
from General Embry today and I'll be leaving for HQ at 1600 hours
today. AND...I'm putting Pierce in charge for the duration."
Groans came from the 4 people in his office.
"Colonel,
with all due respect, you don't know what he was like the
last time he was in command." (Charles)
"...Pure hell"
(BJ)
"Frank Burns was bigger laughs" (Margaret)
"It was
like Hitler had come to Korea." (Klinger)
"You lot must think
I'm a total idiot. Pierce will be so tied up in paperwork that
he'll have no time to do anything...or see anyone. If worse comes
to worse I'll 'request' a transfer."
""""TRANSFER?!""""
"OR
rather threaten one. I'll be gone for three days. In the case that
if any of you...think of a way to change his preference of song...DO
IT! DISMISSED!"
The four of them walked out of Potter's office and into the compound. Margaret approached BJ.
"Well?"
"Well
what?"
"What are we gonna do?"
"What makes you think I
got anything?"
"I know you BJ Hunnicutt...you've ALWAYS got
something."
"Well in this case...I don't. Nothing besides
murder or accidental death anyway."
Charles cut in.
"Surely
we can think of something to do that he'll hate."
"There's
not much that Hawkeye doesn't hate that we can do to a
person..."
"And not have them dead."
"Or scarred badly
for life."
"There's gotta be something!"
ATT: all personnel incoming wounded.
"Later..."
-OR-"MmmHmmMmmHmmMMMHMM."
"SHUT
UP!" the entire room screamed at him. Hawkeye went
quiet.
"Scalpel"
"Scalpel...we warned you."
"Warnings
don't scare me!"
"Neither does castration," Margaret
muttered to BJ.
As 1600 came around, Potter left for Seoul as promised and Hawkeye took to the desk, as promised.
For the first 8 hours of Hawkeye's command, nobody saw him. He stayed in the office signing and stamping 10 forest loads of paper. No one was complaining.
Around
midnight Hawkeye sat up straight yawning and rubbed his eyes.
"Time
for bed I think." He said out loud.
Slowly standing up, he finished the last of his glass (Potter allowed him a bottle a day and Klinger had both keys securely hidden), stretched, turned off the light and walked out.
Stepping
into the compound he took in a deep breath...and started
humming.
"Mmm Hmm Mmm Hmm Mmm Mmm...Mmm Hmm Mmm Hmm Mmmmm."
BJ groaned
in his sleep..."He's started."
Charles groaned back..."Be
thankful Margaret's gonna have to put up with it and not us"
"Oh
yeah."
Hawkeye
saw the light on and quietly knocked on the door.
"It's open
Hawk..."
"How'd you know?"
"On the few occasions you
do knock I've picked up on what it sounds like. Plus there's your
humming. Do you want something or is this just a social call?"
Margaret was frustrated. To the point that she was ready to
kill.
"Uhhh sleep?" Hawkeye was confused.
"I believe the
Swamp's that way."
"Yeah...it is...what'd I'd do this
time?" he asked.
"You really have no clue do you?"
"Uh...no?"
he wanted to know what it was he had done to upset her.
"It's
just...forget it. If you haven't got it so far you won't."
Margaret was fed up. It was either have him and that stupid annoying
song...or him not at all.
"You sure?"
"Yeah, whatever."
Margaret sighed. They would have to think of something soon...otherwise
the possibility of murder would become something very real. Hawkeye
climbed in next to her and sank into the cot.
"Tired?"
"Extremely.
You're welcome to take command anytime you know."
"No
thanks, I'm happily basking in your suffering."
"You're a
sadistic woman Houlihan."
"And don't you forget it
Pierce."
"I won't." Hawkeye kissed her gently. "Night
Margaret."
"Night Hawk."
Margaret sighed and began to think and dream of ways to stop the song. In the case that if any of you...think of a way to change his preference of song.
On top of spaghetti...all covered with cheese.
THAT'S IT! Her mind screamed as Margaret shot up in bed. Hawkeye stirred but stayed sleeping. Quietly she put on her robe and crept out, heading for the Swamp.
"Psst...BJ...BJ!"
"Honey
can you get the baby? I gotta work tomorrow."
"BJ get up...I've
got an idea."
"Margaret, what are you doing here at...4 in the
morning?"
"I've got an idea of how to stop that stupid
song."
"YOU DO?!"
"Shhh, you wanna wake up
Charles?"
"Charles has been woken up."
"Sorry"
"Did
I hear correctly that you have a way to cease that annoying drivel of
a song? Permanently?"
"Possibly."
"So? LET'S
HEAR IT!"
"Well..."
For the next 5 minutes Margaret explained her idea and by the end the three of them were in stitches on the floor.
"That's
PERFECT!" BJ burst out in laughter once more.
"When do we do
it?"
"Tonight."
Margaret left BJ and Charles to inform the camp when they woke and she headed back to her tent to sleep, dreaming of all things good. Like artillery shells...and any noise that had nothing to do with spaghetti.
By 8 that morning Klinger knocked on the tent door, demanding that Hawkeye be in the office 2 hours ago. After a few extremely colourful words and stumbling, Hawkeye got up and dragged himself to what he described as a job 'worse than any mortician had to put up with after a triple homicide'.
Margaret lay back, grinning like an idiot – grinning like Hawkeye. Today was the day that spaghetti was officially BANNED from the 4077th.
"Everything
right?" she asked BJ, sitting down in the mess tent.
"All's
set. Klinger managed to trade some excess specimen cups for another
30 tins."
"Another 30? How much have we got now?"
"Rough
estimates...around 90 or so" Charles put in.
"That gonna be
enough?"
"Plenty..." BJ said with a wicked
smile.
"Everyone's in agreement too." Klinger added as he
joined the three.
"Good. So we're right for 6pm?"
"Sure
are Major."
"Still can't believe you of all people would
think of something this devious and evil."
"You seriously
underestimate me Charles. I've had an evil side to me all along. I
just haven't chosen to show it...til now." Margaret stood up, bid
them goodbye and headed to post op.
"I said
20 not 30..."
"Doctor you most definitely said 30"
"I
do know what I've said you know!"
"Fine then. 20 and next
time you ask for something...don't bother."
Hawkeye was becoming unbearable. Not only was he obnoxious, rude, annoying, egotistical – everything Charles was – but the humming continued. The nurse he had just yelled at stormed off calling him all sorts. Margaret had witnessed every bit of it.
"Problem
lieutenant?"
"Ask doctor hero over there." Clearly, she was
annoyed.
"What did you do this time?" Margaret asked
firmly.
"Ask her." Hawkeye muttered.
"For God's sake."
She murmured before continuing, "Lieutenant, you can go I'll take
the shift."
"But Major"
"No buts. I'll speak to you
later," and walking closer to her she said quietly, "You're not
in trouble, I'll sort him out. Now Carson!" the nurse walked away
with a smirk on her face, happy that for once Margaret didn't blame
her.
"Thank
you." Hawkeye said not looking up from the patient he was
at.
"Carson said the same thing. What is wrong with
you?"
"What's wrong with me? You should ask her that. I'm
not here to compensate for her screw ups."
"You know who you
sound like?"
"No who?" Hawkeye really didn't care.
"Me.
And quite frankly...coming from you it sounds ridiculous."
"Well
it's about time someone aside from you noticed these things. Now
can you help me with this...seeing as you dismissed Carson?"
"Fine.
But just what is wrong?"
"I don't want to be in charge of
this...again. I hate being left to all this."
"And
you only have to put up with it another day."
"That's not
the point! Could you cut that there? Right there."
"Then what
is the point?"
"The point is I don't want to be left in
charge. ANYMORE. Why didn't he leave Charles...or even
you?"
"Me?"
"You're a major aren't you? As
far as I know a major's above a captain..."
"Since when did
you care who was what?"
"Since I got landed 3 days in charge
of eternal hell."
"Fine. Just tell Potter this is the last
time."
"I did that last time!"
"Look...I'll talk to
Potter...I'm quite certain the whole camp will talk to
Potter."
"What does that mean?"
"It means you've been
ridiculous, horrid and really bad as a leader."
"Just
who said that?"
"EVERYONE! Do you want this to be the final
time or not?"
"YES!"
"THEN SHUT UP AND WE'LL MAKE
SURE OF IT!" Margaret's yelling silenced the pair as they
continued rounds quietly, yet Hawkeye ever so often starting to hum.
If Margaret's plan didn't work, murder was certainly looking a
good if not the only option.
Meanwhile BJ, Klinger, Charles and a few others gathered the necessary equipment to silence the spaghetti for good.
"He's
so gonna hate this!" BJ said wickedly.
"Perfect" grinned
Charles.
"A 'taste' of his own medicine." Added
Klinger.
"He'll never want to eat Italian again!" The three
men laughed. What they were about to do to their 'courageous
leader' was cruel, mean, undignified: everything the 4077th's
practical jokes had come to be known as.
By 6pm Hawkeye was just finishing up Post Op and looking forward to sleep. Margaret since taking over was looking forward to another 4 hours of work.
"Tired?"
"MmmHmm"
"Well
have fun."
"Aren't you coming?"
"Oh no...I have
another...4 hours of work to do." Margaret knew he'd try and talk
her out of it...she really didn't need him to, but to keep the
cover was going to.
"Oh no you're not, we're going to the
mess tent and officers club and then you are going to help me with
paperwork."
"What?" This was news to her "Oh no I'm
not!"
"I was just kidding. I want an early night."
Margaret
held back a laugh.
"What?"
She was having a tough time of
it. "Okay, I'll find someone else to do Post Op..." Margaret
quickly walked out of the room before she lost it.
"What's
wrong?" Hawkeye yelled after her.
"I'll meet you in the mess
tent...just got something I need to do first!"
Margaret
ran to her tent and burst out laughing. A few moments later BJ
knocked on the door.
"You alright?"
Margaret opened the
door, "Yeah fine, he really has no clue." She said settling down
again. "All set?"
"Just waiting for your cue
Margaret."
"Okay, have an announcement made: Everyone make
their way to the mess tent – 2 minutes...but got get Hawkeye; tell
him I need him for something."
"I'm on it! Can't wait for
this!" BJ said running out.
'Neither can I' Margaret
thought.
"What's
up?" Hawkeye came in a minute later, wanting to know why she ran
out and what was happening.
"Oh, I'm glad you're
here."
"Why?" Hawkeye was cautious, Margaret was acting most
strange and he was almost intimidated by it.
Margaret quickly
thought of something, "No reason...I just wanted to make sure we're
okay..."
"Yeah, why wouldn't we be?"
"Well from
before..."
"Hey, I've been on the receiving end of you more
times than I can count. We're fine."
"Just checking."
Att: all personnel. Please everyone make your way to the mess tent now for an announcement. BJ said over the PA.
"What is
that about?" Hawkeye wondered out-loud.
"Let's go find out
shall we?" Margaret smirked and they headed to where the crowd
gathered.
By the time the pair had wandered over to the tent, it was already crowded with people.
"Shhh, he's coming!" A few people whispered.
"But
nothing, it's a great book...Why are the lights off?"
"I
dunno...should be around here somewhere..."
"GET HIM!" BJ
shouted as Klinger and a few enlisted grabbed Hawkeye and lifted him
off the ground.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" Hawkeye
shouted...among other, much more colourful phrases.
"To our
fearless temporary leader. For the past month and a half you have
regaled us with one tune you seem to have a fondness and a love for."
Started BJ.
"For the first couple of weeks we were glad of a
tune as catchy as this to get us through times of hell." Klinger
added.
"But soon it became tiresome. A useless banter for which
we came to loathe more than any communist or machinery." Said
Charles.
"It blinded you so and you could not hear our cries for
you to cease it." Margaret said.
"Numerous threats of public
embarrassment" (BJ)
"Torture" (Charles)
"Murder"
(Klinger)
"Castration" (Margaret)
"And ban on alcohol"
(BJ)
"Could not and did not stop the eternal audio HELL we live
in," Charles added in.
"So drastic times must call for drastic
measures" Margaret started.
"And as they did in the old times,
to cleanse one of all evil the person was bathed in the river. Seeing
as we have no river, we had to make do with what we had." Father
Mulcahy added with a chuckle.
"BRING OUT...the tub" BJ
said menacingly.
Just as if it were an ancient Inca sacrifice to pagan gods, three enlisted brought out a bathtub, filled with 90 cans of surplus spaghetti.
"OH NO
NO NO NO NO!!!" Hawkeye yelled, he tried to get away from those
still holding him up, but couldn't over power them.
"Hawkeye
Pierce, you have been found guilty of bad taste." BJ
proclaimed.
"Your punishment...dunking by spaghetti." Margaret
finished.
"Everybody on three" Started BJ
"One"
"Two"
"THREE!"
On three the 4 men holding Hawkeye up dumped him in a pool of thick, disgusting, red spaghetti.
"On top
of spaghetti..." sang BJ.
"All covered with cheese!"
finished Charles.
A couple of nurses threw in sliced up old cheese.
Hawkeye hated every minute of it.
The tent was in a raucous laughter.
"Now
Hawkeye...sweetie...have we learnt anything from today's
exercise?" Margaret asked casually.
"Never trust your comrades
in arms." Hawkeye was bitter, and was trying not to crack a
smile.
"That all? Or do we need a second dunking?" She asked
just as slyly.
"NEVER even mention that song?"
"HURRRAH!!!"
the tent exploded in cheers of laughter and merriment.
"Brilliant
Margaret!" BJ picked her up and swung her round.
"YOU?!"
Hawkeye asked, trying to get up and slipping back into the gooey
mess.
"I had to learn something from you didn't I?" she said
with a cheeky grin.
"You are gonna pay for this!" Hawkeye
vowed.
"Whatcha gonna do about it?" Margaret asked childishly.
Unfortunately for Margaret she was standing within arms reach and Hawkeye pulled her in with him.
"AHHHH
PIERCE! You're gonna PAY FOR THIS!" Margaret screamed.
"Whatcha
gonna do about it?" Hawkeye mocked, no letting go of
her.
"Ah...you...I...ARGH!" Margaret for once was speechless,
no come back or comment came to her.
Hawkeye laughed and kissed her, the disgusting spaghetti sauce mingling in between their mouths.
"Ewww!"
"Yuck!"
"Ahhh
true love in only such when two people avoid mouth to mouth." BJ
proclaimed as the tent – including the two 'bathed' in glory –
roared in laughter.
Everyone stopped when an ambulanced pulled up in the compound.
"Sorry
to spoil the party folks, the line just broke on hill 407." The
driver said, jumping out of the vehicle.
"Help me up Beej"
Hawkeye asked. BJ helped him and Margaret out of the slop.
"You
two get cleaned up first." The pair nodded and ran off to the
showers as BJ ran off to triage.
-OR-
"You
know...that was one heck of an experience." BJ stated.
"One
hopefully never repeated." Charles droned.
"Don't
look at me, I didn't start it...it was her fault!" Hawkeye
whined, staring at Margaret.
"ME? It was your fault!" she
protested.
"Was not"
"Was to"
"Was not"
"Was
to"
"Was not"
"Was to"
"Was not"
"Was
to"
"It's gonna be a loooong night Charles" BJ
stated.
"That it will Hunnicutt." Charles agreed as the pair
continued.
"Was to"
"Was not"
"Was to"
"Was
not"
The next day Potter returned and was about to find out they were 2 days behind in paperwork and would look forward to catching up on.
"Ah
Pierce, Margaret, how was it?" Potter entered to find Margaret
sitting across from Hawkeye – a glass of scotch each in hand.
"An
experience never forgotten sir." Margaret said with a
smirk.
"Pierce? Would you agree with that?" Potter asked.
"Not
in so many words...All's in the report Colonel. We'll leave you
to it. Margaret..." Hawkeye pulled her out of the office before she
could say a word.
Potter sat down smiling. He took one look at what was laying there on his desk – the 2 day old paperwork he just found out to looking forward to catching up on – and yelled "PIERCE!"
Later in the mess tent, 'the gang' sat around, they – minus Hawkeye who just sat there grumpy – were just finishing telling Potter about what had happened, and why they no longer had any tinned spaghetti.
"Shame I
missed it" Potter said chuckling.
"What was that Hawk?" BJ
asked, Hawkeye was mumbling something.
"Nothing, OW!" Margaret
kicked him under the table.
"Anything else I haven't read or
been told about?" Potter asked finally.
"That's it Colonel."
Margaret answered.
"Just that and the spaghetti incident."
Hawkeye finished.