Chapter Twenty-One
Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin.
Chapter Warning: Suicidal ideation.
He couldn't remember a time in his life where he felt so empty.
The sorceress partly responsible for his wife's death was dead herself, his injuries from the half-successful mission a week earlier were healing well with the aid of magic, and the weather was gradually getting colder but remained stable. Something was wrong with Sigan and Merlin hadn't been able to rouse him enough for an interrogation, yet everyone was certain that would occur soon enough and they would be better armed to fight Nimueh before long.
But Gwaine couldn't take comfort from any of those things.
After that rainy day so long ago when he had almost killed his father, the shock, horror, and unconscious survival instinct of youth had kept him going. When his sister had turned into an empty shell for two years, he had done everything he could to support her and his parents, to make up for lost time. When Aldwyn had died on the plains of Amata, he had kept himself going in order to help broker peace with Camelot.
When his cousin, parents, and aunt and uncle all died within a short period of time during his second life, he had held it together because his sister and three youngest cousins needed him to.
But now, he felt wearier than he'd been during any of those terrible times.
I can't do this anymore.
Morgause being dead gave him no satisfaction; it had only caused his anger to lapse back into grief...and guilt.
I almost got Arthur killed. If Morgana hadn't gotten there in time…
He so often seemed to make things worse rather than better.
Beginning with that day in the woods with the bandits...I think I described it as a "trail of blood" once…
And if he was really being technical, it was a spear that he had dodged that ended Cleva's life this time around.
I should've let it hit me instead. I wish it had.
Although he was now physically fine besides persistent soreness, he felt like every movement he made was in slow motion. Each day felt like a long, dull dream. Even standing took effort due to the heavy weight that had slowly seeped into every part of his being over the last few days, weeks, months.
Ever since she died.
Or perhaps it had always been there since his father's "death" centuries ago, lurking beneath the surface, waiting for the right moment to envelop him. He couldn't fight it, not after everything. He couldn't even summon the will to try anymore.
I can't do it. I just want this to end.
It was a bright, chilly morning as he wandered down to the training field, not to participate...he hadn't been asked to yet as he was not considered recovered enough by Gaius...but to watch. Halfway there, he turned a corner and found himself face-to-face with Morgana.
He saw her stiffen, eyes widening, but his usual disgust was muted if present at all. "Hello."
"I...Hello." She flinched, fidgeting with her hands. Mordred was hiding behind her, peering at Gwaine with eyes too old for a face that young. "Sir Gwaine...I…" She took a deep breath. "I've been wanting to apologize, for my part in your wife's death...I'm so, so sorry…"
Hearing her as if through a haze, he brought himself to say, "It wasn't your fault." It really wasn't. It took him a minute to gather himself and continue. "But I accept your apology, if it makes you feel better."
"Oh…" Morgana bit her lip. "There were other things I did to you...back in Camelot…"
He cut her off. "A different life. Literally. It's forgiven."
"I…" She let out a little gasping sigh. "Thank you. I...I couldn't live with myself if we never discussed it at all…"
"Then I'm glad we did." He inclined his head and walked on, feeling not lighter, but strangely calm. One more thing settled. Many left to go.
His resolve continued to grow throughout the day. At the training field, he watched Ruby train and gave her some pointers afterwards. "You've really come a long way...you'll be learning my disarming maneuver next thing you know…" Her beaming smile at that comment reminded him so much of Holly that it hurt.
He made sure to speak to Haralda and each of the knights formerly from Camelot, keeping the conversation light but savoring each interaction. He spoke to Arthur, too, and made sure to call him "Princess" at least once, just like old times.
The hours kept passing. Gwaine watched Hertha tell stories to the other schoolchildren during their lunch hour and made sure to tell her how much he enjoyed it. He ate his own midday meal with the twins, or rather pretended to eat while reminiscing with them about their childhoods in Bernicia. He went to have a checkup with Gaius and talked about his near-healed injuries, then contrived to run across Gwen so he could tease her a bit about being "the fairest apocalypse queen of them all." Wherever he went, if he saw someone he knew, he made a point to say hello.
One last time for everything, right?
The two people he did not seek out were Merlin and Aithusa. Both were too perceptive, and he knew it. Besides, Merlin was still busy with Sigan and Aithusa was off scouting again. We've said all we've needed to at one point or another...
His resolve almost broke in an instant that evening when he went into his sister's room and found her sitting up in her bed, sifting through maps with a disgruntled look on her face. Malachite the iguana, sprawled on the blanket next to her, look equally displeased as Gwaine walked in. "Hello, dear sister and lizard-in-law. How are you feeling?"
"Better, but restless." Elen put the maps aside and rubbed her eyes. "Gaius says I can be back on my feet soon, as long as I take it easy...Ugh, there it goes again. Your niece or nephew is doing a gymnastics routine in my belly right now."
"Niece or nephew? Sure it's not twins?" Gwaine sat next to her and, when she gestured her permission, rested his hand on her abdomen. Sure enough, he could just feel the vigorous kicks.
"It's not." Elen let out a heavy sigh. "I remember what carrying twins was like, and this isn't it."
"Well, he or she is certainly going to be strong," he responded, removing his hand and struggling to keep his voice steady. "They'll need to be."
His sister didn't have time to reply before Hayden strode in, looking windswept but invigorated. "Hello, love. Gwaine."
Gwaine stood up and forced a smile. He'll take care of Elen and their child. They have each other's backs, always have. "Hayden. How's the wyvern?"
"Settling down, actually. I'll have her eating out of my hand soon enough." Hayden leaned over the bed and gave Elen a quick kiss and the iguana a pat. "Don't worry, Malachite, I still love you, too."
"I dunno, he looks unconvinced," Gwaine joked. After pausing, he said, "I'm...I'm going to bed now. Long day."
"Sleep well," Hayden said with a smile.
"Alright then," Elen said, again absorbed in her maps. "Love you, brother."
"Love you, too. All of you." He left the room while blinking away tears.
Earlier, while Gaius was occupied with another patient, Gwaine had rummaged through the nearest medicine cabinet and found a bottle of not-yet expired pills that he had then stashed in a pocket. He knew what they were, knew roughly how many he needed to take. He probably wouldn't feel a thing.
It's much better planned than that one time in Camelot with the sleeping draft Gaius made...and not messy; I don't want to leave a mess…
Sitting on the edge of his bed, bottle in hand, looking out over the village dyed pink and gold by the sunset, he let the heaviness take over again.
Okay. I surrender.
Then someone knocked on the door.
Shoving the pill bottle under the nearest pillow, he called out "Who's there?" as he stood and turned.
The door swung open, and Everard stood behind it, looking mildly irritated. "Merlin wants you. Wouldn't say why. He and Morgana have been down at the village prison half the day with Sigan…"
"Can it wait until tomorrow?" I won't have to deal with it tomorrow...
"Apparently not. He wants you there as soon as possible. I'm just the messenger." Everard gave him a half-smile and disappeared down the hall.
It took Gwaine a couple minutes, but he got himself outside and made his way to the "village prison", which was in fact a former office building that had been converted into a place to hold any potential prisoners a year earlier, after the nearest actual jail had collapsed during an earthquake. The former knight found Merlin pacing, waiting for him near the prison entrance.
Just this one last thing, whatever it is, for Merlin…
"Gwaine! There you are!" Merlin immediately guided him inside and towards the back of the building, speaking in a rush. "You won't believe this...The reason we couldn't wake up Sigan was because his soul was...dying isn't accurate, exactly, burning out is a closer description...But it's burnt out now, by another soul...See, someone with a powerful soul like his can't last in a regular person; the current vessel was probably dead the minute he got in...But someone else hitched a ride.
"Years ago, during the Golden Age, I studied Sigan's tomb and the spells within it and came up with a hypothetical spell for that very action...but I never wrote it down, only discussed it with one person. Then I warded the tomb before I left Camelot for good and only discussed the wards with that same person...Obviously Nimueh found the tomb deep underground and broke through to release Sigan, but she didn't know she'd released someone else, too."
Merlin stopped outside of the door to the prison's "interrogation chamber"...also known as an old board meeting room...and as the warlock caught his breath, Gwaine somehow managed to connect some of the dots. "Okay...so someone you know 'hitched a ride' with Sigan's soul, and then he possessed someone like he did that time in Camelot...only it was both of them...and now the original bloke's gone and Sigan's gone and this other person is still in there?"
"Exactly! But not for long, the spell wasn't perfect, and his soul is burning out, too…"
"But what does this have to do with me?"
Merlin looked both excited and apprehensive as he said, "Gwaine, the one person I told about the spell I invented but never planned to use, the one person who knew the details of the warding around Sigan's tomb...It was my best, longest-term apprentice. It was your son."
Caldwell.
It took Merlin opening the door and gently tugging him through to get Gwaine to move at all. Once inside, his attention was entirely taken up by the young man sitting on the single chair in the middle of the dingy room.
It wasn't Caldwell's body, of course; it was the body of some poor apocalypse survivor Nimueh had dragged into the whole mess. Merlin had once described Sigan's eyes, even in a possessed body, as being black as night when he wasn't hiding his true identity.
These eyes, however, were brown, and achingly familiar.
Like my father's eyes, like my sister's. Like mine.
"Father?" The person stood up, his voice unfamiliar but the tone well-known. "You look...young!"
"So do you, actually," slipped out without him thinking about it, and his son let out a chuckle.
"Good to see your sense of humor is still there somewhere." Caldwell's face, or at least the one he was wearing, shifted into a somber expression. "I know what happened to Mother. I'm so sorry you lost her again."
Gwaine swallowed, tears threatening to well up yet again. "And if I understood correctly, I'm about to lose you again as well?"
"I...It's not the same. Not quite." Caldwell glanced upward, an old habit he employed while thinking about how to respond to someone. "I wasn't meant to be here, you know. Not like you. I wasn't ever going to be 'brought back.' Not like you all were."
"Then why are you here at all? How could you come back for nothing? Why would you..." He couldn't finish. He didn't even know if Merlin was still in the room with them, and didn't care to check.
"One of my apprentices later in life was a seer. She told me what I could to help to win a war that was centuries from beginning." Looking at Gwaine again, Caldwell said, "I learned things while coexisting in one body with Sigan…I'd feel sorry for him if he hadn't been evil to start; Nimueh did not treat him well...I've already told Merlin everything I know about her and her remaining allies, her future plans. Sigan would have found a way to kill himself before revealing any of that." He stepped forward, closing the gap between them. "I didn't come back...or rather stay all along...for nothing. I gave you all a chance at winning. I'd have endured another ten thousand years trapped in a jewel with a maniac if it meant saving you."
"That's...that's noble of you, son." Gwaine shook his head. "But now you're...you're breaking my heart all over again. I can't lose anyone else, I…" I can't do this. "I can't be alone again."
"You're not." Caldwell's eyes bored into his, and Gwaine had a sinking feeling that his son was reading him like an open book. Reaching out to grasp his shoulders, Caldwell said forcefully, "You told me and Holly once that there was only one time in your entire life where you were completely alone."
"I remember." Those years between fleeing Bernicia and meeting Merlin and Arthur. The worst time of my life...until now.
"You've never been truly alone since, and you won't be again. There are so many people who care about you…I've waited a thousand years to tell you that there's hope, Father, and now I realize I have to tell you not to give up." He hesitated. "Mother would tell you the same."
She would, with the exact same look he has now. He was always so much like her...Closing his eyes and feeling tears escape, Gwaine whispered, "I know."
"I'm not afraid of dying...I haven't been truly alive in a very long time. There's another world beyond this one, and I'm ready to go there. But I can't leave in peace if you don't promise me that you'll keep fighting."
This is happening too fast, it's too much…
Then again, living was too much right now. At least if it's for myself.
But he wasn't alone. My family, my friends, Merlin...all of them.
Cleva would want him to live for them.
Opening his eyes, he met his son's gaze and said quietly, "I promise, Caldwell. I'll keep fighting, I swear it."
His son visibly relaxed, and Gwaine took the opportunity to ask, "How...how long do you have?"
"Not long...less than an hour, I think. And I don't want you here when...It's not going to be pretty. I'm sorry."
"I understand." I don't want to see my child die, either. "Just...your sister. Holly. Was she...did she live a good life after I passed?"
Caldwell's smile was bright and open. "She lived a life of adventure, doing what she loved. She was happy, content until the very end."
"Good." Brushing tears away, he said, "Tell her and your mother...and everyone, I guess...that I miss them. I miss all of you, so much."
"I know." Caldwell pulled him into a tight embrace. "I love you, Father. We'll be waiting for you on the other side. Just...don't join us too soon."
"I won't." Gwaine shut his eyes again, imagining himself back home with his young son, so long ago. "I love you, too."
He'd let go in a minute. But not quite yet.
About an hour later, while Merlin saw Caldwell into the afterlife, Gwaine stepped up to the door of the small apartment where Lancelot lived and knocked. The other knight opened it fairly quickly. "Gwaine! Is everything all right?"
"I hope I didn't wake you."
"No, you didn't, don't worry...What is going on?"
Lancelot's good at keeping things to himself. "I'm sorry to intrude, but...I need your help." Breathing shakily, Gwaine pulled the bottle of pills out of his pocket and handed them over. Judging by the look on Lancelot's face, he understood what they were and exactly what they had almost been used for. "I...I don't think I should be left alone tonight. Can I stay with you?"
Lancelot didn't hesitate. "Of course," he said, pocketing the bottle himself. "Come on in, I have some cider in here, watered down so it's not too alcoholic...and so it lasts longer...Up for a game of cards?"
Gwaine made it through the night by playing cards with Lancelot until the sun rose, and he figured that was a start.
One day at a time, until it gets easier.
It would have to, because he couldn't surrender yet. He'd promised not to.