Disclaimer: all these characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I'm merely borrowing them to have a little bit of fun. The dialogues belong to Ben Elton and Richard Curtis. I have only altered them.
A/N: I want to thank Lady Smitten for doing the beta work again.
Bells
Tonks was sitting with her father. She was a beautiful young witch and her father was old and gibbering.
"Father, I must speak. I can be silent no longer. All day long you mutter to yourself, gibber, moan and bash your head against the wall yelling, 'someone curse me'. Now, you may say I'm leaping to conclusions, but you're not completely happy, are you? It's mother, isn't it?" Tonks asked as she kneeled at her father's side.
"No, it's not," her father replied.
"You're brooding over her death, aren't you?" Tonks asked dramatically
"Tonks, for the final time, your mother is not dead. She's run off with your uncle," he said.
"Dear Father, I know you only say such things to comfort me," Tonks said, her voice trembling slightly.
"Your mother is alive and well and living in Hogwarts. It's not her I brood over, I'm sad because, my darling, our poverty has now reached such extremes that I can no longer afford to keep up and must look to my own dear tiny darling to sustain me in my frail dotage," the man explained.
"But Father, surely…" Tonk started.
"Yes, Tonks… I want you to become a prostitute," her father interrupted.
"Never, Father," Tonks objected.
"Do you defy me?" he said raising his voice.
"Indeed I do, for 'tis better to die poor than to live in shame and ignominy," Tonks said as she rose to her feet.
"No, it isn't," her father protested.
"I am young and strong, clever, my nose is pretty and my hair colourful. I shall find another way to earn a living," Tonks said proudly.
"Oh, please go on the game. It's a steady job and you'd be working from home," her father said.
"Goodbye, Father. I shall go to Wiltshire, disguise myself as a boy, and seek my fortune," Tonks said as she swept out off the room.
"Why walk all the way to Wiltshire when you can make a fortune lying on your back!" her father shouted but it was too late.
Lucius Malfoy was in one of the many dungeons of Malfoy Manor. Wormtail stood at the door with a target held above his head. Malfoy was holding a bow and arrow and aimed at the target. He shot a bullseye.
"Very good shot, Master," Wormtail said.
"Thank you, Wormtail," Malfoy replied.
The door against which Wormtail stood suddenly swung open. Luckily, Malfoy had put a spell on him so that Wormtail was stuck to the door. Snape walked in, carrying a bow and arrows.
"Sorry, I'm late," Snape said.
"Don't bother apologizing, I'm sorry you're alive," Malfoy sneered.
"Ah, good." Snape said, ignoring Malfoy's insult. "I see the target's ready."
Snape turned to take his shot when Malfoy suddenly pulled a little pink envelope out of Snape's robes. Snape lunged to grab it but Malfoy stopped him with a well-aimed kick in Snape's nether regions without taking his eyes off the letter.
"And who is Jane?" Malfoy smirked.
"I am sworn to secrecy. Torture me, kill me, curse me, you shall never know," Snape said in a slightly higher voice.
This time, Malfoy's leg moved forward again and kicked Snape's private parts harder.
"Jane Harrington!" Snape cried out in a high pitched-voice as he held his family jewels.
"Ah," Malfoy replied casually.
"We are very much in love, Master," Snape said as he gathered himself.
"This is THE Jane Harrington?" Malfoy asked with an arched eyebrow.
"Yes," Snape replied proudly.
"Jane 'burry me in a Y-shaped coffin' Harrington?" Malfoy sneered.
"I think maybe there are two Jane Harringtons," Snape said with a light hint of suspicion in his voice.
"No. Tall, blonde, elegant?" Malfoy asked, clearly enjoying this.
"Yes, that's right," Snape replied.
"Goes like a privy door when Dobby has been cooking?" Malfoy smirked.
"Lucius!" Snape said feeling rather insulted.
"Come on, get on with your shot, you'll get over her…" Malfoy said as Snape tried to concentrate on the shot.
"I did. So did Wormtail actually," Malfoy sneered.
Snape was so surprised by this remark, that he dropped his aim and shot Wormtail in his groin.
"Ow!" Wormtail cried out.
"You see, she's got a thing about pureblood wizards," Malfoy said.
"Well in that case, I'm going to marry a mudblood," Snape said as he swept out of the room.
"Bad luck, Wormtail," Malfoy said, looking at the arrow still stuck in such a painful place.
"Not to worry, Master. The arrow didn't, in fact, enter my body," Wormtail said as he shrugged his shoulders.
"Oh good," Malfoy replied.
"No. By a thousand to one chance, my snake got in the way. I'd only put it there, but now I will leave it there for ever," Wormtail said beaming.
"Quite so, Wormtail. It can be your lucky snake," Malfoy said.
"Yes, Master. Years from now, I shall show it to my grandchildren," Wormtail said proudly.
"Yes, Wormtail. I think that grandchildren may now be out of the question," Malfoy remarked as he pulled the arrow out of Wormtail's private parts.
"Poor old peabrain Snape. Never catch me falling in love, that's for damn sure as mustard," Malfoy said.
Suddenly, someone knocked on the door. Wormtail opened it and Tonks entered, cunningly disguised as a boy.
"Good day to you, Mister Malfoy," Tonks said and bowed.
Malfoy choked up for a moment. This was love at first sight but he recovered, after all, this was a boy.
"Good day to you, boy. What is it brings you here?" Malfoy asked.
"I'm an honest, hard-working lad, but poor and I must support my father, who is stark-raving mad. Therefore I have come to Wiltshire to seek a servant's wage," Tonks replied.
"Well, yes, indeed. Unfortunately, I already have a servant," Malfoy said with a hint of disappointment in his voice.
"The word is that your servant is the worst servant in Wiltshire," Tonks remarked bravely.
"Mmmm, that's true. Wormtail, you're fired. Be out of the house in three minutes. Well, young man, you've got yourself a job. What do they call you?" he asked.
"Tonks," she replied without thinking.
"Isn't that a bit of a … girl's name?" Malfoy asked suspiciously.
"It's uhm, short for, uhm, Bob," she replied.
"Well, Bob, welcome on board," Malfoy said as he reached out to shake hands with his new servant. Then he noticed that Wormtail hadn't moved an inch. "Sorry, Worm. Any reason you're still here?"
"I've got nowhere to go, Master," Wormtail said with a trembling voice.
"Oh surely you'll be allowed to starve to death in the gutters of Knockturn Alley," Malfoy sneered.
"I've been in your service since you lost your house-elf to the Potter-kid, Master," Wormtail said.
"Well, that must be why I'm so utterly sick of the sight of you," Malfoy sneered.
"Couldn't I just stay here and do the same jobs but for no wages?" Wormtail asked hopefully.
"Well, you know where you'd have to live…" Malfoy said.
"In the broomstick cupboard?" Wormtail asked.
"Yes, and you'd have to work a bit harder too," Malfoy said.
"Of course, Master," Wormtail said.
"All right. Go and get Bob's stuff in then and chuck your filthy muck out," Malfoy ordered.
"God bless you, sweet master," Wormtail replied as he fell on his knees, kissing the hems of Malfoy's robes.
"All right, all right," Malfoy hissed as he slammed Wormtail with his cane.
"Thank you so much for letting me stay, Mister Malfoy," Tonks said.
"No, not at all, Bob. I'm looking forward to having you… having… another man about the house, instead of that animal Wormtail. Excuse me. I'm just going to the lavatory," Malfoy said as he swept out of the room, feeling a bit worried about the unintended pun.
"How little he knows! And how much I would have him know," Tonks sighed to herself.