Voldemort was utterly bored when Fudge entered. He bowed down before the Dark Lord and greeted Bellatrix.
"Master, I bring grave intelligence of your former favourite Death Eater, Lucius Malfoy," Fudge said.
"Oh good," Voldemort said as he sat up straight in his throne.
"It appears he wishes to marry a girl called Bob," Fudge continued.
"That's a very odd name for a girl, isn't it? Girls are normally called Lise, or Jill," Voldemort said.
"And Bernard," Bellatrix suddenly said with an absent glance in her eyes.
"Mouth is open, Bella: should be shut," Voldemort snapped
At that moment, Malfoy swept in and kneeled down at his Lord's feet.
"Oh, hullo, stranger," Voldemort said teasingly.
"I seek your permission to wed, my Lord," Malfoy said.
"So I hear – Fudgy, what do you think of all this?" Voldemort asked.
"I must profess, Master, I am astonished that Malfoy could possible have time for romance," Fudge said.
"Good point, Fudgy," Voldemort replied.
"But when I fell in love, my Lord, I didn't know she was a woman. I thought she was a boy. And there weren't any raids at the time," Malfoy said.
"Of course, that makes it perfectly acceptable," Fudge sneered.
"Oh, all right, go on and marry her," Voldemort said.
"Thank you, my Lord," Malfoy said and bowed deeply.
"Just tell me one thing. Is her nose as cute as mine?" Voldemort asked.
"Oh, no, no, no, no, my Lord," Malfoy said.
"Oh, good. Because otherwise I would have to hex her nose and turn it into a peach and then you'd have to marry someone with a piece of fruit attached to her face, and that wouldn't be very nice, would it? I mean, imagine the mess when she got a cold. Yuk!" Voldemort said.
"Well, quite, my Lord," Malfoy replied a bit confused by his Lord's sudden interest for noses.
"All right – off you go then," Voldemort said.
Malfoy bowed one last time before he left the room.
Very weddingly, Wormtail was fitted into a lovely dress. Tonks was fluffing round with the finale details.
"You'll make a lovely bridesmaid, Wormtail, and pity me that I have no actual girl chums because we were so poor in our house, we couldn't afford friends," Tonks sighed.
"It is strangely in keeping with the manner of our courtship that your maid of honour should be a man," Malfoy sneered.
"There we go, Wormtail. You look sweet as a little pie," Tonks said as she stood back and admired her work.
"Tonks, he looks like what he is, a rat in a dress," Malfoy said.
At that moment, the door swung open en Snape entered the room.
"Lucius, I…," Snape started but then spotted Wormtail. He didn't recognize him and started to flirt. "Oh, hullo, there. Lucius didn't tell me we were expecting guests. And such a pretty one too."
"Oh Merlin," Malfoy sighed.
"Well, you're a little cutie to be hiding yourself away all these years. Tell me, gorgeous, what's your name?" Snape asked.
"He's called Wormtail," Malfoy hissed.
"Wormtail, that's a pretty name. Lucius used to have a servant called Wormtail, but anyway, away with such small talk, lady, a kiss!" Snape said and stepped closer to Wormtail.
"What?" Wormtail asked startled.
"And so modest too, come on, you little tease, you know you want to. Give us a kiss," Snape said.
Wormtail grabbed Snape's head and kissed him passionately.
"Severus, that is our Wormtail, he's wearing a dress," Lucius sneered.
Snape broke off the kiss and ran to the fireplace where he vomited his guts out.
"Anyway, what do you want?" Malfoy asked.
"Well, erm, Lucius, there has been some discussion amongst the Death Eaters on the subject of who's going to be your best man, and I thought it might be the moment to bring it to a conclusion," Snape said excitedly after he recovered from the kiss.
"Oh, yes, Severus, I would like you…" Malfoy began.
"Oh, Lucius, I'm so proud…" Snape interrupted him but Malfoy raised his hand to stop him.
"Please let me finish. I would like you… to take this letter to Dover, where Gilderoy Lockheart is having a photo-shoot for his next book-cover. He shall be my best man," Lucius said.
"Gilderoy Lockheart, the best liar, the best corrupter and the best kisser in the kingdom?" Snape asked knowing that he was outclassed.
"Even he. To Dover at once!" Malfoy said.
On the verge of tears, Snape left the room to depart to Dover.