The wedding day. Tonks was waiting in the dungeons with her father by her side, who looked distinctly unkempt. Malfoy stopped by the side of his bride to be.
"Oh, Lucius. I can't believe it's really happening," Tonks said excitedly.
"It is, my sweet," Malfoy replied.
"Before we go in, I want you to meet my father," Tonks said.
"Oh fine," Malfoy said and waited for his father-in-law to turn up. Then he spied the loitering man. "Excuse me, could you move along, please. Look, I'm waiting for my father-in-law. The last thing I want is some scruffy old Muggle blocking up the corridor smelling of cabbages," Malfoy hissed.
"I am your father-in-law," the man replied.
"Oh no… all right, how much do you want to clear off?" Malfoy said as he reached inside his robes for his gold.
"Lucius, how could you? He is my father, my only living relative," Tonks said, quite upset by her future husband's action.
"Ten Galleons should do the trick," the old man said.
"All right. There you go," Malfoy said as he handed over the gold.
"Lucius, you mustn't," Tonks said.
"Don't worry, I'll get Wormtail to hex him after the service. We'll get the gold back. Come on, we're late," Malfoy said as he took Tonks' arm and guided her into the dungeon where Voldemort and the others were waiting.
"Lucius, could get on, do you think? I want to get to the reception so I can seduce some fine pureblood witches," Voldemort hissed.
"Unfortunately, my Lord, the best man still has not arrived," Malfoy said.
"Well, get another one," Voldemort said.
"There's no one else I can really think of," Malfoy said.
"Oh, come on, Lucius, you must be able to think of another best man," Voldemort said.
"Well, I suppose I could ask Severus," Malfoy said as he turned towards Snape. "Severus…"
"Master!" Snape replied excited.
"Can you think of another best man?" Lucius asked.
Snape was obvious hurt but he recovered fast. "Well, one name does spring to mind."
"Yes, but I can't ask Wormtail. He's a bridesmaid and, besides, I need a friend, an equal, and old and trusty companion," Malfoy sneered.
"I think there's one person in the room who fits the description," Snape said hopeful.
"Of course. Bellatrix, how do you fancy putting on a pair of hose and being my best man?" Malfoy asked.
"Lucius! Don't be so evil. You know perfectly well who Severus' referring to," Voldemort roared.
"Of course. I'm sorry, Fudge…," Malfoy started but Voldemort made a menacing hissing sound.
"All right, all right! Shamed as I am, and contradiction in terms though it is, Severus, you can be the best man," Malfoy sighed.
"Oh, master! What an honour. I brought along a ring," Snape said as he reached in his robes for the jewel.
"I really did think old Lockheart would have turned up," Malfoy sighed.
At that moment, there was a blindingly bright flash, a lot of smoke and a loud crack that announced someone apperated. When the smoke cleared up, Lockheart was standing in the middle of the dungeon, grinning broadly.
"It's me!" Lockheart shouted.
"Where have you been?" Malfoy asked.
"Where haven't I been. But I'm here now, and … who's that," Lockheart asked as he pointed to Snape.
"No idea, but he's in your place," Malfoy sneered.
"Not for long," Lockheart said. He drew out his wand, handed it to Wormtail, took Snape by his greasy hair and dragged him through the doors of the dungeon where he gave him a last kick. When he re-entered, he took his wand back and cleaned his hand on a piece of the decoration.
"Thanks, bridesmaid. Like the beard, gives me something to hang on to. So, my old mate Luc is getting hitched eh," Lockheart said, still grinning. "Hey Fudgy, still worshipping the Dark Lord?" Lockheart whispered in Fudge's ear.
"Sir!" Fudge replied.
"Last thing I heard, he'd started worshipping me," Lockheart whispered.
Lockheart laughed at the flabbergasted expression on Fudge's face.
"Bella, I like it, firm and fruity. Am I pleased to see you, or did I put a wand in my pocket! Down, boy, down!" Lockheart said, still grinning. "And now, where's this amazing bird, the one who's stopped my old pal Luc doing exactly what he wants ten times a night."
"Lockheart, let me introduce my fiancée, Tonks," Malfoy said beaming.
"Hi, baby," Lockheart said, strode to Tonks and started to kiss her passionately. "She's got a tongue like a serpent and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils. You don't want to marry Goldie-locks, baby. Meet me on my broom in eight seconds."
"But I can't run in this frock. You see, I've found I actually prefer wearing boy's robes," Tonks confessed.
"Weird. I always feel more comfy in a dress! I've got a plan, and it's as white as my teeth!" Lockheart said.
"What a man Gilderoy is," Malfoy said to Snape. "Things will certainly liven up round here now he's back, won't they Gilderoy?"
He turned towards Lockheart but another cloud of smoke blocked his vision. When the smoke finally, disappeared, Lockheart was wearing a dress and Tonks was clad in male robes.
"So long, Mudbloods! Next time you're bored with your lives, give me a call and I'll come round and hex you!" Lockheart smirked.
"Bye, Lucius, and thanks for everything," Tonks said.
Another cloud of smoke and a loud crack filled the dungeon. The fog cleared up and Lockheart and Tonks were gone.
"It is customary on these occasions for the groom to marry the bridesmaid. I presume you will honour this," Fudge sneered.
"I do," Wormtail beamed.
"Ah-ha," Lucius said.
He glanced at Wormtail, who was looking seductively his way. The end of the Malfoy family was near.
The End
So Lockheart tweaked Goldielock's hair,From now he always shall be single.
To fall in love with boys is weird,
Especially boys without a dingle.
O Malfoy, O Malfoy,
His taste is rather odd.
O Malfoy, O Malfoy,
The randy little sod.
Dear Lockheart, Dear Lockheart,
I wish you were the star.
Dear Lockheart, Dear Lockheart,
You're prettier by far!