Crashing the Ramen Party
Naruto Fanfic: Humor/Parody
Summary: Two unlikely individuals fall into Ninja Continent by an accident of (electric, no less) power. No OOC pairings, no god-charas, just the destruction and salvation of Konoha Village through the eyes and verbal dissection of two non-committal AltUni-transvaders (Alternate Universe-Transcenders/Invaders). Did broken wires just curse the Village with two extra nincompoops, or will malfunctioned communications somehow save the day?
Disclaimer: If we owned Naruto.. would we really be obsessing over the characters this much, or writing this anyway?
Yanko yawned as she stumbled through the deserted hallway. It was finals week, and the regular schedule times were all amuck--lunch was two hours long, for crying out loud!--and it wasn't even at the right time of the day!
She pushed open the door of the classroom that she normally dined in during lunch, throwing her brown paper bag down on the table, half hoping that the sandwich didn't smash. Anko was already sitting at the round table that they sat at every day. The japanese classroom was otherwise empty of people.
"Sensei went out," Anko said by way of answering Yanko's questioning glance at their Japanese teacher's empty desk.
"...I hate math finals." Yanko groaned as she dropped into one of the chairs set by the table, and reached, in a half-assed manner, for her lunch. Lighting flashed brightly outside, and the lights flickered once, twice.
"Huh. Strange. The sun was just shining like hell a while earlier." Anko looked up from her half eaten sandwich, a physics book propped open against the table. She looked out the window and frowned at the weather. "Not that I mind, anyhow. It was so hot outside I could feel my skin burning before I escaped here."
Yanko peered at the contents of Anko's sandwich. "WTF is THAT?" she inquired, making a disgusted face.
"Tuna, cheese, onions--"
"but it doesn't look like--"
"--tomatoes, lettuce, apples slices, tofu--"
"WTF!"
"--cucumber, green bell peppers, sliced hard boiled egg--"
Yanko just gaped.
"--oh. And some pepper, mayo, olive oil and vinegar. Wanna try?" Anko took another bite of her concotion and held it out towards Yanko.
"...NO." Yanko made another strange face, nostrils flaring in disgust.
Anko shrugged. "No, you should try it. It's good. I had to wake up early so my mom wouldn't eat the last apple." She shoved the sandwich into Yanko's face, forcing her to take a bite.
"BLEAAFGHH! ...huuh. ...Tastes pretty good."
Anko flashed one of her trademark "I-told-you-so" smirks.
The lights flickered again, and they both stared at the ceiling distractedly, munching away at their sandwiches.
"I wonder if there will be a blac-" Yanko was interrupted mid sentence as another strip of lightning flashed boldly, much closer than the previous one. It was followed by a huge clap of thunder, blinding them for a brief instant and making their ears ring. In the next instant, the lights all died out and they were immersed in darkness.
"Nice going." The older girl snorted. It was dark, and, well...it was dark. Nothing could be seen, and silence filled the air like murky water to a rag. Lightning no longer flashed, and the thunder had stopped thundering.
Anko took another bite of her sandwich in the dark. Guess there won't be a physics exam today, she thought between munches. How nice.
Huh. A blackout...how nice, Yanko mused to herself, unknowingly echoing the other girl's thoughts. She stood up suddenly in the dark and hit her head on something overhead. "OW!"
Anko glanced at the general direction of Yanko. "What the heck are you doing?", she asked, standing up as well. She scraped her head on what appeared to be a low ceiling; yet they couldn't be sure, as they couldn't even see their own hands in front of their faces.
"When did the ceiling suddenly become so damned low!" Yanko howled as she rubbed her head.
"Maybe we both suddenly became so damned taller?" Anko asked hopefully.
"I don't NEED to be much taller!" Yanko whined. A full 5'7"and still growing bit by bit, she did not particular the task of finding memebrs of the male population that happened to fit her fancy AND be taller than her current height. Anko, on the other hand, was three inches shorter (most of the time) than Yanko, and Yanko enjoyed rubbing that fact in Anko's face as often as possible, for fun if not just to make herself feel better. She frowned to herself as she felt a hand come down on her shoulder. "Anko, is that you?"
"Is that me what?" Anko asked, sounding slightly irritated.
"... Isn't this your hand on my shoulder?"
"...My hands are currently occupied by my sandwich."
"...yeah," muttered Yanko, momentarily distracted by Anko's fear-the-obvious comment, "with your lethal amount of stuffing, no wonder you need both hands to--" suddenly, something clicked. If a hand was on her shoulder and it wasn't Anko's hand on her shoulder...
...then...that meant...
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Anko blinked. Not that it could be percieved by anyone in the dark, but blinking was her usual response to most of Yanko's antics. Belatedly, she realized that Yanko would not be able to see her blink, and therefore switched to a more verbal response instead. "...What?"
"---AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The two girls blinked as a light suddenly came on in the room, startling them both into silence. Well. Startling Yanko back into silence, anyways.
Anko had immediately covered her sensitive eyes in pain. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! TURN THE LIGHTS back OFF!"
Yanko merely let out an exhausted breath before re-taking a deep breath and re-newing her scream-a-thon once more. "AAAAAHHHH! LET GO! LET GOOO! DON'T MOLEST ME YOU PERVERT!" she screeched as she struggled to get out of the grasp of the stranger behind her, who was currently trying to muffle her with his hand. "ANKOOO! SAVE MEEEEE!"
"I can't even SEE what's going ooon!" Anko complained back, her eyes squinched tightly shut, her hands over her face, trying to shut out every bit of light from her vision.
"THEN TAKE YOUR FRICKIN HANDS OFF OF YOUR FACE!" Yanko screamed at the top of her lungs, then abruptly stopped, took another deep breath, and -- "PEEEEEERRRRRRRRVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRT! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! LEEEET GOOOO! DON'T MOLEST ME!"
Anko, still with eyes covered and not quite grasping the situation, said: "Why, is some pervert grabbing your--"
"--I am NOT a pervert, I am NOT grabbing anyone's ass, and I'm NOT going to MOLEST anyone! But if you don't shut up, I WILL!" A man's voice yelled after he had successfuly clamped a hand over a howling Yanko's mouth.
"...Genma, maybe you should let her go and let the two of them calm down." Another voice spoke up. This new voice was softer and slightly raspy, but was still a man's voice. It coughed. Twice. "...and we are not going to molest anyone," the voice reminded firmly.
"Well, I don't know about you, Hayate, but I'm afraid that this one'll run for it if I let go." voice one "Genma" said to the second voice whose name was apparently "Hayate". He had a bit of a drawl. "We don't even know how these two got in here!"
Yanko squirmed wildly, trying to get free. As she twisted around, she caught a glimpse of the "molester"--and saw. Saw that he happened to be tall, blonde, incredibly cute, and...and...and...and he had a stick in his mouth. She stopped twisting. "WTF!" she said in her characteristic caught-off-guard response. But her mouth was still muffled, so what came out was more like "MOOFFWAFOOF!"
"'Moof fwa foof'. Yes, Yanko, that explains our existing situation perfectly. Your lucid description and extensive attention to detail leave me no doubt as to what the hell is happening right now," Anko muttered sarcastically, still rubbing her eyes in pain. In truth, she could care less about the existing situation. She just wanted the lights to be turned back off.
The blonde man blinked a bit in surprise as the girl that he was restraining suddenly stopped struggling. He peered curiously at her face, returning the stare that he was recieving. "Hm, you're actually pretty cute. Maybe I should molest you," he said suggestively, with just a hint of a threat behind his voice.
The dark-haired one glared at his companion reprimandingly. "Genma. We're here on duty to guard the vault. This is not a bar. And even if it were, you still shouldn't molest young girls."
Genma shrugged. "It's not like you haven't seen me do worse," he said off-handedly.
The other man sighed. "I'd rather not remember that."
Curiousity finally getting the better of her, Anko tentatively removed a right hand and dared to open one eye a tiny bit. As soon as the first miniscule ray of light hit her eyeball, she promptly clapped her hand back over her eyes again. "OUMPHGUH."
A throat cleared. Timidly. Yanko's. "Uh...can you let me go now?"
Genma eyed his entrapped prisoner coolly. "Not before we introduce you two to the Hokage. I'm sure he'd be thrilled to know what you two were doing here, hiding behind scrolls in one of the bookshelves of a top-secret vault."
"A vaul-whaa?" Anko questioned behind her hands. "What the hell? Aren't we in the Japanese classroom?" A pause. Something clicked. "...and why are we talking in Japanese?"
"Japanese? What the hell is that?" was Genma's retort. "Nevermind. Hayate, get the other one," he told his companion, as he unceremoniously slung Yanko over one shoulder and strided out of the room.
Coughing in dismay, a disgruntled Hayate turned to the other girl. "If you cooperate and follow me, you will not be har--" he broke off into a coughing spasm. "--rmed."
Anko scowled beneath her hands. Then realized that whether in darkness or having her face covered with her own hands, facial expressions weren't exactly the best means of communication. "...well, if I could SEE you maybe I would, but I sort of CAN'T right now?" She paused. "Well, if you keep coughing like that, I could follow your coughs," she offered lamely. Then, as an afterthought--"Would you like some Ricola?" she asked. "I can't get it right now, but you can reach into my right skirt pocket and take one..."
Hayate stared at her blankly. Then gave up trying to comphrehend and simply put a hand on the girl's shoulder and guided her out.
------------
"PUT MEEE DOOOOWWWWWNN!" Were the three words that greeted Konoha's Sandaime no Hokage's ears before his two special Jounins entered the room. The first to arrive was Shiranui Genma, who strode in with a howling bundle writhing on his shoulder. A closer inspection revealed the howling bundle to be a girl. The Hokage frowned as he realized it was the girl who was "asking" to be put down. Genma was apparantly ignoring the poor girl's pleas, and left her to continue kicking and screamimg on his shoulder. Sandaime's frown deepened when Hayate walked in with another girl, who seemed like she had her palms superglued to her face. The coughing jounin then tried unsuccessfully to pry the other girl's hands off her face, resulting in a very verbal "AAAAAACK THE LIIIIGHT! EEEEEEP!"
"Dim the lights!" Sandaime ordered, and the effect was immediately achieved.
Anko meekly lifted a hand off of her face again, hesitantly opening one eye. She quickly realized that the brightness had been reduced to a bearable level, removed her other hand from her face, and opened both eyes.
"And Genma, put the...the th"--the Hokage managed to stop himself from saying 'the thing'; "put the girl down already," he finished, shaking his head disapprovingly at the blonde Jounin-- who just shrugged, with the girl still on his shoulders, before setting his burden down.
The Hokage sighed. "Alright. Now will somebody PLEASE tell me what exactly is going on before my headache gets any worse..."
A/N: (Chuwei): Parody. Characters WILL be a bit OOC. This fic written by author Seyna (UserID:187727), and Chuwei (UserID:183315), previously known as Darkblade.