Disclaimer: Flintstones, meet the Flintstones, they're the modern Stone Age family...
Warning! Read A Trivial Matter first, or you might not understand what's happening. Don't worry, it hardly takes any brain power at all. Review while you're at it.
A Cranial Void
Sequel to A Trivial Matter
"Aw, c'mon, Master Hand," Roy whined. "We don't wanna play another stupid board game." There were scattered murmurs of agreement throughout the crowd.
"Oh, yeah? Well, we're going to, whether you like it or not," Master Hand shot back.
"Hey, I just noticed," commented Falco. "Why are the characters that the author added for no good reason gone except Daisy?"
"Well, he can add them for no good reason, so I guess he can omit them for no good reason, too."
"I sure wish I could do that," said the un-amiable avian.
"Don't we all," muttered Master Hand under his breath.
"What is this game that you're making us play, anyway? Isn't it like, Cerebrum, or Medulla Oblongata or something?" asked Marth.
"It's called Cranium, and it's way more fun that Trivial Pursuit. So, let's get everyone into teams. We'll have three sextets, with one group of seven. The teams are:
Team Alpha: Mario, Luigi, Peach, Daisy, Yoshi, DK
Team Beta: Link, Y. Link, Zelda, Marth, Roy, Ganondorf
Team Gamma: Mewtwo, Pikachu, Pichu, Jigglypuff, Kirby, Mr. Game and Watch
Team Delta: Samus, Falcon, Falco, Fox, Ness, Popo, Nana
As usual, the Smashers just had to put in their two cents about who they were teamed up with, or the originality or lack thereof of their team name.
"I've been put with a bunch of rejects!"
"Oh, yeah, Greek letters, real unique. Why not Hebrew letters or something?"
"These are like, the same teams as last time!"
"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there..."
"Hehehe...he said sex..."
"Everyone, listen up. I'm going to explain the rules," said Master Hand, taking the game board and associated doohickeys out of the box. "Now, then. Step 1: insert video cassette into slot and...oh, wait, those are the instructions to the VCR! No wonder it didn't work when I stuck a clay model of a guitar in it!"
"Ok, here are the real instructions. Ahem. The object of the game is to make it along the board to the center. The cards and spaces are color-coordinated. If you successfully complete the thing on the card, you get to roll and move. Well, that's the simple version, since you guys might not be able to comprehend the more complex version."
"Hey, I resent that!" shouted Roy angrily. "I can handle plenty of complex things!"
"Roy, you don't even know how to manually turn on the TV."
"Hehehe...he said manually turn on..."
"Whoever is doing that, stop it! Now, let's just quit arguing and play the game."
Team Alpha went first. In Cranium, the question was asked before the dice were rolled, so Master Hand drew a card from the "Data Head" category, and read it to Mario and Co.
"Who wrote Cannery Row and The Grapes of Wrath?" asked Master Hand, hopeful that they would get this question right.
"Ooh! Ooh! I know it! It's-" But before Luigi could blurt out his idiotic response, Mario covered his mouth.
"Luigi! Shut up! The answer is not John Ashcroft!"
"John Ashcroft? Where?" Ganondorf said, looking around furtively, with that maniacal look in his eyes.
"Oh, no, we're not going to have a repeat of that," said Mewtwo, restraining Ganon with his telekinesis.
"But running jokes are funny," protested Ganondorf.
"No. Look, everyone, just refrain from saying the names of members of the Bush Administration and Ganon here probably won't go insane," said Mewtwo.
"Yea, verily," concurred Master Hand. "Now, if we can just continue without these unnecessary interruptions, it'll preserve everyone's sanity. So, Team Alpha, have you come up with the answer?"
"Yes, Master Hand," replied Mario. "After much deliberation and extensive research, we have all concurred that the answer is...Homer!"
"Um...Mario, The Grapes of Wrath was published in the 1900's. Homer lived in ancient Greece."
"No, he didn't! He's still alive and he lives in Springfield and likes donuts and beer!"
"That's Homer Simpson! He's not even a writer!" shouted Master Hand incredulously.
"Says you," said Mario.
"I think you've been hanging around Roy too much," said the Hand, sighing. "So, now it's Team Beta's turn. Let's hope that they can get this one right. Now, this one requires you to make something out of clay, and your teammates have to guess what it is. Look at the card and begin."
Marth, being an artsy, right-brained person, was elected to sculpt the clay model. He glanced at what the game instructed him to construct, but...
"WHAT? I am not going to make that!"
"Yes, Marth, I know it can be difficult sometimes, but rules are rules..." Master Hand said lazily.
"No, it's quite easy, but it's just...well, let's say that, aesthetically, it would be less than desirable to make," said Marth.
"Ok, let me see," said the Rubber Hand Man, rolling his imaginary eyes. Marth handed him the card. "I still don't see why...OH MY GOD!"
"See?"
As was human nature, everyone else wanted to see what was written on the card. Only a few got a glimpse, however, and their entrepreneurial minds encouraged them to sell the answer to other people.
"Only five dollars for the answer! It will shock and amaze you! Five bucks!"
If Master Hand had a face, he would have had it in his hands right about now.
"Hey, guys!" Peach shouted suddenly. "How about we play 'Telephone' to find out the answer?" Everyone thought that was a good idea except Master Hand, but nobody cared what he thought. "Ok, Marth, you start."
Marth whispered what was written on his card into Zelda's ear. She blushed and whispered to Link, who went into gales of laughter. And so it went, around the circle until it got to Bowser, the last one. "Ok, Bowser, tell us what you heard," chided Peach.
"Jack Nicholson," said the Koopa King.
"Whoa, that can't be right," said Samus. "I heard 'Elton John'."
"Well, I heard 'Crocodile Dundee'."
"No, it was 'Brillo pads'."
Everyone argued about the answer, never thinking that the answer probably changed with every other person.
"Everyone!" Mewtwo yelled, interrupting the debates. "I have read Marth's mind, and I will tell you all what it was. Ahem. The thing written on the card of infamy was-" Just then, however, an enormous airplane flew over the mansion, creating a very loud noise and making it impossible for anyone but the Smashers to hear. Sorry.
Once it became possible to hear again, the Smashers all wore shocked expressions and various shades of red. Master Hand's fourth finger was starting to twitch in what appeared to be a case of anger trying to be repressed by the Master Appendage's strong sense of self-control.
"People," Master Hand said very quietly. "If this keeps up, I shall have to tear out each of your vital organs one...by one...by one," he finished, taking several deep breaths. "Now, time for Team Gamma to take their turn. You must perform something like charades or an Elvis impersonation, and your teammates, again, must guess what you're doing." The team drew the card without objection, as they happened to value their vital organs.
Pichu drew a card from the deck. He looked at it for a moment, then, he stood up and started to play what seemed like an "air" guitar.
His teammates were puzzled and confused. "Limburger cheese?" Pikachu blurted out.
"Game Boy Advance?" hazarded Jigglypuff.
"Llamas?" attempted Kirby.
"Chef Boyardee?" tried Mr. G&W.
"Fools," said Mewtwo. "The answer is obviously Mick Jagger."
"Mewtwo," Master Hand interjected, "may I point out that using psychic powers is prohibited."
"This is discrimination!" Mewtwo shouted. "Just because I happen to be good at charades, you think I was cheating!"
"Well, I just thought that..."
"Nope! That's not gonna work anymore! I'm calling the UCLA, and then, boy, will you be in trouble!"
"The UCLA...? Don't you mean ACLU?"
"Nope! I'm going to have one of their football players come and beat you up!" Mewtwo ran off to the nearest phone.
"You people are going to drive me as crazy as my brother," Master Hand sighed. "Well, since nobody guessed who Pichu was impersonating, except Mewtwo, but he was cheating-"
"I HEARD THAT!"
"-it is now Team Delta's turn. And frankly, I have no hope that they're going to get it right, as that would be a sign of the apocalypse, just like Utah being a blue state in the next election. Now, your job is to recite the first sentence of the Gettysburg Address, but with the words backwards."
"Ooh! Ooh!" shouted DK. "I want to do it!"
"Donkey, I really don't think that's a good idea..." prophesized Samus.
"Pleeeeeease??" he begged, making those adorable anime eyes.
"Oh, alright. It's not like we were going to get it right anyway..."
"Ahem," DK started. "Ruof erocs dna neves sraey oga, ruo srehtaf thguorb htrof no siht tnenitnoc a wen noitan, deviecnoc ni ytrebil, dna detacided ot eht noitisoporp taht lla nem era detaerc lauqe."
Everyone gaped in awe at the simian that had seemingly effortlessly inverted the words to one of the most famous speeches in history. However, if you thought that the Smashers looked shocked, the aura of speechlessness emanating from Master Hand would be evident even if he hadn't fainted.
Meanwhile, on CNN...
"In recent news today," the newscaster said, "The percentage of people who say they will vote for Kerry in the state of Utah rose tremendously to 80% in the last three seconds. And in an unrelated story, a pair of mysterious equestrians who say their names are Famine and War have eerily appeared out of nowhere, and are now staying in a Motel 6 in Albuquerque. Now back to you, Bartholomew."
Back to the Smashers...
"Well, I'm guessing that from M.H.'s unconsciousness, the ape got the answer right," said Fox.
"Yayness! Us gets to rolleth los dices!" shouted Captain Falcon incomprehensibly.
"What?"
"Uh, sorry," said Falcon, intelligibly this time. "I had a yearly checkup today, and I'm still a little weirded from lo anesthézia," he said, getting back to his gobbledygook.
"Why would he need to have anesthetic for a routine physical?" asked Roy.
"He doesn't like tongue depressors," whispered Falco, as if he thought C.F. would get offended. There was no need to worry, however, as the racer was currently telling random people that he loved them.
"Well, we've made it through one round of the game, which has so far managed to occupy six pages of text and about 1800 words, and most of it has been complete randomness," observed Master Hand.
"Marth, I believe that I shall eat your children," said C. Falcon, as if he were telling him he was going to borrow his umbrella.
"I rest my case. Also, I think I've learned my lesson to never play any sort of game with you people ever again," said the mutant Latex glove.
"Darn, I wanted to play Twister," said Roy.
"Not on your life," replied Marth.
"Therefore," said Führer Hand, "I decree that, if you're going to play games, kindly leave me out of them."
"Even 'Steal and Hide Samus's Underwear'?" asked Ness.
"It's you that's been doing it! All this time I thought it was Roy! Ohh, wait'll I catch you, you little..." Samus growled, proceeding to chase after Ness with her arm cannon charged.
"See? I'm not always to blame," said Roy.
"But what about 'Steal and Hide Zelda's Underwear'?" asked Ganondorf.
"Uhhh...oh, look at the time! I have to go to the, uh...bathroom. See you all in a period of time yet to be determined," Roy said guiltily, sprinting down the hall with Zelda chasing him.
"You'll be seeing them in the ICU when I'm done with you!" she yelled.
"Ughh...I give up..." sighed Master Hand, going to his office.
"I have an idea!" said Yoshi. "Let's go watch Code Lyoko and ridicule the notion of an evil supercomputer bent on world destruction!"
"Good idea," everyone agreed.
"Yeah, an evil supercomputer. Like that'll ever happen," laughed Popo.
Meanwhile, on Master Hand's computer...
"Hahaha! With the Hand knocked out by my trademark gases, I, X.A.N.A., which stands for, um, X-tremely Awesomely Naughty Artificial-intelligence shall destroy this world, and then, I shall attempt to find out the purpose of all these pictures of hands in weird positions. ...Ewww, I think I just thought of what it was. Another reason not to think..."
FIN
O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O
Well, that sure was random. I hope everyone liked that as much as the first one. If you haven't read the first one, then, GET A MOVE ON! Thanks for reviewing the first story, and be sure to review this one, too, of course. On another note, Smashing, eh? will most likely be discontinued due to a lack of reviews on the readers' part, and a lack of interest on my part. So, until next time, I wish everyone a happy Labor Day, or something.