Disclaimer: I don't own anything except Carian and the original story expressed here. This is based a few months after Malak's defeat and the end of KotOR.
Chapter 1: The Beginning
Carian tossed her lightsaber in one corner of her quarters and peeled off her robes and threw them in the opposite corner of the room. She sighed and wondered if the guilt, irrational though it was, would ever go away. Jedi meditations weren't helping and apparently training exercises weren't helping at all. She smiled and ran a restless hand through her short brown hair, thinking of Jolee in the training room, "Go find another way to ease your conscience Carian; these old bones can't take the kind of punishment you're looking to dish out."
Unfortunately for Jolee, Carian and anyone else who cared to listen, the real source of her frustration was nowhere to be found, he often disappeared for quick trips to Telos to see Dustil and apparently help in the rebuilding of a planet and a relationship.
"Oh why can't he just yell at me or be angry with me about Telos and all the rest of it? Why does he have to be so damned understanding? Why does he have to be so…so…Carth?!?!"
"Talking to yourself? They say it's a sign. I don't know what it's a sign of but I'm sure it's a sign. You probably don't want your Jedi buddies to know you talk to yourself…things might happen," Canderous commented ominously from her open door behind her.
"Canderous, don't you knock?" She glanced down at herself remembering the tossed robes and they flew to her hand with a quick flick of her hand.
"Or do you just always walk in anywhere you please?" she glared turning towards him fastening the simple garments and gesturing for him to enter and shut the door.
Canderous eased the door shut and immediately claimed the only chair in the room for himself and glanced around in disdain.
"Quarters? You sure they don't have you in a cell? And I did knock, you were just so busy ranting on about Flyboy that you didn't hear me. Do you really want to talk about the times I've walked in on you unawares or are you going to tell me why you don't have time for your friends anymore?"
Carian flushed remembering all too well a time on the Ebon Hawk when Canderous had walked in on her and Carth; Mandalorians and discretion were not words you normally grouped together and sure enough she and Carth had been the subject of merciless teasing.
"What are you talking about not having time for my friends? I just spent the last two months as part of the Republic's current band of hero's tour and I seem to recall seeing everybody there." What a notion. Heroes, them. She had wondered during the endless waving and pointless important dinners how many people knew they were admiring a former Dark Lord of the Sith, one who had been responsible for countless lives lost, worlds destroyed.
"—meditations or busy training. Anyone who isn't part of the Jedi in crowd hasn't seen you in weeks." Canderous was saying.
"What? Oh sorry Canderous. I was just thinking, and…" Carian started to reply.
"Thinking is part of your problem I bet. You let your mind fill with imagined horrors and tell yourself how Revan was truly a terrible person and somehow, you, Carian, should be responsible for her actions."
"Canderous I don't want to discuss this with you. Leave it alone," Carian glared at the large Mandalorian.
Unperturbed Canderous continued "Well I hear there's a hut in the Shadowlands on Kashyyyk that is probably still vacant if you're looking to take up the hermit lifestyle." he was smiling at her but there was an intensity in his voice that told her Canderous was getting frustrated. And knowing Canderous, she'd end up in the cargo hold of some ship and dropped off on Kashyyyk to stay in Jolee's old hut if she didn't at least hear him out.
"Right now the hut is sounding appealing compared to present company," she quirked an eyebrow at him.
"Don't tempt me. Now listen, you try listening to a Twi'lek and a Wookie complain for two weeks straight. "Canderous was trying not to grin in spite of his irritation. Damn her but she always knew what to say to lighten a mood, to make you laugh. If Onasi wasn't careful, he'd make his own move, not that he'd stand a chance with Carian, she was as lovesick for the pilot as he was for her. Sigh. Damn the woman.
Carian lowered herself gracefully on to the bed in her small room and tucked her legs under her to try to get comfortable and ignored Canderous' raised eyebrow. The damn man, he takes the only chair and then wants to comment because she doesn't want to sit on the floor. He knew better than to think there was an invitation forthcoming to join her on the bed, at least she hoped he knew better. As much as she liked to think she knew Canderous, sometimes he succeeded in catching her off balance.
"I suppose its true," Carian began, thinking of the past few weeks since they'd been told the public affairs were finally over. "I haven't been around much, although I have been in meditations and training much of the time. I need to sort things out Canderous. I'll have a thought about my "past" and I realize it's all a joke; it's not true at all. I'm not only dealing with being a former dark lord," she lowered her voice mock menacingly at the last two words and the corner of Canderous' mouth twitched, in amusement or irritation, she didn't know. "I have to process losing all my past too. All my friends, the family, and the kids I went to school with and got in trouble with."
"I don't suppose it's occurred to you that the people who call themselves your friends now might like to try to help you out now when you need a shoulder or two or seventeen." Canderous commented gruffly.
"It just seemed so stupid, I don't know why I told you except I didn't want to find myself in Jolee's hut on Kashyyyk. I knew I couldn't tell Carth, not after taking his family. I can't whine to him over an imaginary one," she shook her head. It wasn't just Carth, it was all of them. But somehow, it didn't feel so wrong telling Canderous about this. Perhaps because the proud warrior had never asked for her help or support when dealing with his own issues aboard the Ebon Hawk. He had merely fought alongside her, told her tales of his own war-like past and offered to stand by her, no matter what path she chose. His unconditional support had lifted an enormous weight off her shoulders when she had learned the truth of her past, when she had found out that she was not Carian, soldier in the Republic fleet but Revan, former Dark Lord of the Sith.
Canderous scowled at her "Stupid is what I'd call how you're reacting to it? The Jedi High Council programmed new memories and a new identity for you and it worked well enough until you were really following your own old footsteps. You think it's unnatural to feel some pain for loss? Stupid to miss people you thought were real and meant something to you? I think the Jedi did a formidable job. You just have to decide which identity you can make peace with."
"What if I can't make peace Canderous? What if I can't forgive Revan for what she's done? What if I can't forgive myself?" Carian asked him getting up and starting to pace the room.
Canderous rose himself, if she started circling him, he was going to get dizzy, and this couldn't be heading in a good direction now. Oh what had he hoped to accomplish coming here anyways? Well at least he'd gotten a good look before she pulled on those damn robes of hers. What a woman! And what a fool Onasi was for leaving her alone when she clearly needed him.
"I can't answer that Carian. I'm not a Jedi and I don't have the answers that I think you're looking for. Although I thought they were in your code that you recite day in and day out." He headed for the door; "I would think that if Flyboy and the Jedi could forgive you, you could think about forgiving yourself." was his parting comment over his shoulder as he left.
She glared at the door. Damn men. He was right. She knew it too but knowing it and doing it were two different things.
It was early in the evening yet so she went to find Mission who stubbornly stayed on the Hawk. She had no idea what ship Carth used when he went to see Dustil on Telos but he liked to leave the Hawk there for them. Just in case, he said.
"Hey Mission, you up for a game of Pazzak?" Carian asked.
Mission's jaw dropped open in surprise. "Carian!!!" she squealed and launched herself into the older woman's arms and hugged her.
Mission let go and beamed at her, "Forget Pazzak! Let's get out of here now that Canderous finally broke you out of that place." Mission jumped up to tell Zaalbar to get out of Coruscant.
Carian reached out and snagged Mission, "Hey not so fast, kid." Her eyes danced in amusement, she loved riding Mission about her age.
"I'm not a k-! What do you mean Canderous didn't break you out of there? We figured you must be held against your will or something. You haven't come out to see us once since the Grand Tour ended. Not once! Don't tell me you were there because you wanted to be and you didn't have time for us."
Mission's voice was rising and speeding up with each word she spoke. Her head tails were almost quivering with indignation.
"Mission I'm sorry. I really am. I've just been having a really hard time in there. Jolee must have told you something or Juhani. It's not like my feelings aren't well hidden from anyone Force Sensitive." Carian spoke in a rush hoping to appease Mission before she gathered up enough momentum to get going.
"All anyone would tell us non Force-Sensitive types is that you were in meditation or in training exercises. Well how were we supposed to know they weren't doing some memory wipe or something or keeping you there against your will?" Mission glared at her. "Why didn't you come to us? If things were so bad, maybe we could have helped. Didn't you think we'd worry?" Mission's head tails were starting to relax, a sign that Carian could probably relax as well. But you never knew with Mission.
Carian sighed; she had a feeling she was going to do a lot of apologizing before this night was over.
"Where's Zaalbar? I may as well explain more with everyone here." Carian asked the Twi'lek.
"Oh Big Z went to get some more food. What we had in the cargo hold is long gone and the cantina…well…Big Z manages to get the food cheap and a decent supply of it too. I prefer to eat on the Hawk anyway." Mission's blue skin darkened a bit and she smiled wryly at Carian. Carian could just guess the reason the young Twi'lek preferred the solace of the ship to a seedy dive where a bunch of bawdy patrons would assume that another young Twi'lek girl was there to entertain them. Mission usually had their credits and was long gone by the time they realized she was not there to entertain.
Carian drifted towards the centre of the Ebon Hawk with Mission trailing along behind her. She heard T3 beep in greeting and she smiled and greeted the droid absently. HK-47 offered to destroy any organic meatbags who might have been keeping her away from her personal assassination droid. Carian politely declined the offer and ordered HK-47 to not kill any organic meatbags in the enclave and just stay on the ship and listen to the crew. HK looked as though he would complain but subsided into silence once more.
"Well look who decided to grace us with her presence after all," Canderous said from the swoop workshop. She ran an absent hand over the bike and looked up at the imposing Mandalorian.
"Well your plan worked. I'm on the Hawk and talking to you spacers. What next? Fighting off Sith fighters just for old time's sakes?" Carian inquired leaning against the workbench watching the Mandalorian.
"Carian!! We were just worried about you!" Mission declared hotly.
"Oh Mission I know. I'm sorry. I didn't even realize how long I'd neglected you guys until Canderous told me tonight. I'm sorry. How many languages do you want me to say it in?" Carian asked tiredly, leaning her head back against the bulkhead by the workbench and closing her eyes. Not looking at any of them. Not seeing the disappointment and hurt in their eyes. In Mission's eyes. 'Oh Mission I'm sorry I don't mean to hurt you. I'm just a coward and too afraid to face a past that you and everyone else has apparently forgiven me for,' Carian kept those thoughts to herself.
"How am I supposed to honour a lifedebt if you are not here?" she heard Big Z ask her in his strange Wookie language that so few understood.
"I'm sorry Zaalbar, I was just explaining to Mission and Canderous that I've been having a hard time of it. No one has been keeping me prisoner or anything. The Jedi are not the Sith and I could leave anytime I wanted to, I just was a little too…" 'wrapped up in self-pity', finished Carian mentally.
They were all staring at her as though she had spoken the last few words aloud. "I'm sorry. Ok, I really am. Maybe I just miss Carth or something. This trip seems to be lasting longer than usual." she finished lamely.
"So go see him, I saw him but he didn't see me. I think he was looking for someone else," rumbled Zaalbar. Carian could have sworn he was laughing but it was hard to tell with Zaalbar sometimes.
She was out of the Ebon Hawk and tearing towards her quarters before another word could be said, but she did hear resounding laughter from the Hawk as she departed at a dead run.
'This really isn't behaviour befitting a Jedi,' Carian thought. She ran faster.
She burst into her quarters and found him waiting for her. He smiled at her, that wonderful perfect smile that just made it all worthwhile. She stood against the locked door, 'No guest appearances by anyone tonight Canderous, Mission or anyone else looking to ruin this moment,' she thought happily.
Carth crossed the room in two steps and scooped her up in his arms and deposited her on the bed.
For the second time that night, her Jedi robes got tossed to a corner of the room and she found out just how much Carth Onasi had missed her and she showed him how much she had missed him. They were willing to concede the contest to a draw.
They talked drowsily later, exchanging news.
"I heard on my way in here that you've been quiet the past while, anything you want to talk about?" he asked her.
She reached over and brushed those loose strands of hair from his forehead, no matter what he did, they always seemed to come back, just to torment her she suspected.
"No, I think I'm all talked out on that subject and if I have to apologise once more I'll eat my robes or something equally terrible," she groaned.
"That bad is it?" Carth chuckled, grinning wickedly down at her, looking for all the world like he'd love to see her eat her robes.
"Hmph! Yes it is. How's Dustil?" Carian asked him, hoping the change of topic to his son would take the pressure off her.
She was rewarded when she saw the look of fatherly pride flash across his face, "Dustil's great. He's helping out on Telos and we're getting closer and-and…" he was stammering, at a loss for words.
"And what? You're moving to Telos permanently to be close to Dustil and this was good bye?" Carian asked, half wondering if it was true. Carth adored his son and she hoped that one day his son would accept her, would know about her. They'd decided that telling Dustil too much too soon would only make things worse. They would tell him, once Carth had time to establish his relationship on more solid ground.
"Dustil wants to meet you. He wants to know what you're like," Carth remarked.
"What?!?" this was completely unexpected. Carian hadn't been expecting to meet Dustil until she'd gotten over feeling responsible for the murder of his mother.
She gathered the sheet back around her and Carth looked mournfully at what the sheet now covered but said nothing.
"How did this happen Carth? What have you been telling him? I thought we agreed not until much later. You're not the only one who needs time you know. He's probably going to hate me and you and you'll be right back where you started. Hopefully you won't have to find him in some Sith academy again." Carian's questions and concerns tumbled out before Carth had a chance to answer them.
"No, of course not! He'd never join the Sith now, not after what we showed him on Korriban!" Carth protested angrily.
"You're right, you're right of course. I'm just thrown that you would tell him so soon Carth, and after we decided not say anything until your relationship was more solid. I'm just worried," Carian appeased him.
"Well for the record, I didn't say anything to Dustil, he found out on his own about you. There's been enough coverage about all of us and I guess some rumours reached him, even on Telos, about our possible romantic connection," Carth explained "and he asked me about it and I can't lie to my son, not after everything we've been through." Carian nodded, she understood and respected that. "He does remember meeting you briefly at the Academy on Korriban but that barely had time to give him a real impression, especially since no one was really showing their Pazzak hand there. He knows about your past and I won't deny he was outraged at first. I felt like I was looking at myself when I first found out. But he's an Onasi through and through and he'll come around soon enough. He just needs some time to…"he trailed off.
"Wrap his head around it, Carian finished for him, smiling.
"Yeah, something like that," Carth smiled and pulled her into his arms, kissing her. "So, what do you say beautiful?" Carth asked her between kisses. "Can I take you to Telos to meet my son; to really get to know him?"
"What was the question again?" Carian asked, mischief dancing in her green eyes. "Oh right, Telos, some Onasi kid. Oh all right, I'll come with you. I know Bastila had me scheduled for some meditation that week but your son is much more important," Carian answered giggling, kissing him back.
"I haven't even said when we leave yet, how can you have a conflict with Bastila?" Carth asked puzzled.
"I always have a conflict with Bastila these days, but I'm just happy she's here with us and not…not…"Carian trailed off, unable to continue that line of thought.
"I know. I'm glad she's here too. I'm so glad she's here with us," Carth replied pulling their covers more tightly around them. Despite the Order's rules, he was staying with her that night and she knew that no one would truly give her a hard time, besides the door was locked. Who would know?
Carian nestled against him and murmured sleepily, "It's so good to have you here, even if you end up stealing the covers and I freeze during the night."
Carth pulled her closer and tried to tuck the blankets around her more securely, "I never steal your blankets, your heart absolutely, but not your blankets," his breath was warm against her neck as she fell asleep secure in his arms. Carian dreamed, and remembered.
(Flashback)
Lord Revan turned and gazed at the stars before her then glanced disdainfully at her apprentice Malak.
"This is some fool recently come from the Republic?" she sneered.
"Saul Karath. The Republic considers him a hero." Malak stated derisively. "He swears his loyalty to you and the Sith, Master," Malak declared calmly.
"Of course he does, they all do. They're snivelling bantha all of them. Test his loyalty as you will Malak, just ensure he is loyal to me and the Sith."
"As you desire Master," Malak said bowing and left in a flourish of black robes.
'Snivelling bantha meatbag,' Lord Revan thought humourlessly to herself. 'If that damned droid doesn't return from his mission soon, I'll have to construct another one. I think I should put more safeguards, one can never be too careful after all,' Lord Revan observed.
Some time later, Malak returned and informed her Telos had been destroyed, at Karath's command. "Karath didn't hesitate for a moment Lord Revan; he will make a fine Sith and a fine commander for your forces."
"What is the significance of Telos to Karath? You know that it was important to the fool?" Lord Revan inquired coldly.
"Telos is where he spent much of his adult life and where he was stationed prior to accepting his Republic mission. If he has friends, or even family, they will be on Telos," Malak informed her.
"Ah. Excellent test Malak. You have done well. If my droid ever returns to me perhaps I shall program it to stop calling you a meatbag, would you like that?" Lord Revan asked with a smirk.
"I certainly would Master, probably as much as you enjoy hearing that droid refer to me as a meatbag," Malak replied dryly.
Lord Revan smiled a genuine smile. "Well it all depends on the droid then. We'll see if HK-47 makes it back or if I have to build another one."
Lord Revan turned away and gazed back out to the starfield before her, ignoring her apprentice.
end flashback
Carian shot up from her drenched pillow with a strangled gasp. Her hands shot to her head, trying to block out the images she was seeing there, the memories she was experiencing, she moaned "No, no, no no no no….get out! Get out! Get out!!!! GET OUT!!!!!" She was screaming. She leapt from the bed and curled up on the floor holding her head.
She felt Carth's arms come around her and try to soothe her.
"It's all right. It's all right. Shh, it's ok beautiful, you're safe. It's all right."
She shook her head in desperate denial. "No, it's not; it's never going to be all right again."
"What do you mean? What nightmare or vision could frighten you so badly?"
Carian just shook her head mutely.
"They weren't nightmares or visions were they Carian?" said a voice from the doorway.
Bastila stood there, her gaze impassive, holding the pass card that granted her access to Carina's quarters and smiling wryly. "If you're going to lock the door, do make sure you get these back from the people you gave them out to in the first place," Bastila said sweetly.
'It appears our bond is back along with some other things, Carian,' came Bastila's voice in her mind.
'No, go away Bastila; don't you know how terrible it is in here now? You have to get out, please. Please.' she implored the other Jedi silently.
Carth was looking intently at the two women, aware that there was some silent communication going on between them.
"Is someone going to tell me what's going on? You know I hate being left out of the loop and I think there's a big loop I'm being left out here," Carth asked, watching Carian for a slight smile, a grin, a flicker, anything that indicated she could reach for that slim moment and laugh at him. Nothing. This was worse than he'd imagined.
Carian looked to Bastila for support or help or comfort. She didn't know. Whatever she was looking for, it wasn't there. She hauled herself to her feet and took the only chair in the room, she wanted that isolation right now, and she had never felt more alone than at this moment. She faced Carth, the man she loved and Bastila, a woman with whom she'd shared a very intimate bond that had suddenly reappeared. No, that bond reappearing was no coincidence. She knew why.
'Do you know why the bond is back Bas? Do you?' she 'asked' Bastila, probing the woman's gaze with her own.
'Yes, I do. I just want to know that you can admit this to yourself,' she heard Bastila's soft voice in her mind, gently reproachful.
Carth was still watching her expectantly, concern creasing his brow and darkening his eyes.
"I remembered the circumstances of the attack on Telos. I-ah-Revan ordered Malak to test the new commander who was just from the Republic any way he desired. Malak chose Telos as he knew that Telos would be difficult for Karath. According to a report I received from Malak after, Karath didn't hesitate in issuing the order to fire. I was so pleased with Malak that I was considering rewarding him for this creative bit of loyalty testing," Carian spoke quietly but determinedly, knowing if she stopped she'd lose her nerve.
Bastila was watching her closely and Carth's expression had grown pained at the mention of Telos. She longed to reach out and take him in her arms and take comfort from him and give him her comfort. She couldn't, not now. Carth opened his mouth to say something and she held her hand up to silence him; she had to finish this if it killed her. If they killed her.
"I remember being Revan, not just the attack on Telos, but what came before and after, and the fall from the light to darkness and the fall from darkness to oblivion."
Tears were shimmering in Bastila's eyes and Carth was staring at her with a shocked expression. She continued before they could speak.
"I remember everything, everything," she said.