Disclaimer: The characters, setting, blah - belong to the respecitve author: J.K.Rowling. All I own is the words I've written.
Warnings: This is a slash story between Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, of Harry Potter. If you do not like male/male relationships, click on out of here. -smiles- Otherwise, please! Read and reveiw the story.
Other Interesting Bits: This is just a story with 2 chapters, sort of a way to blow off a bit of steam, you know? This was also inspired by the song 'Strange and Beautiful, by Aqualung'. Anyway, there won't be any followup's after this chapter, so don't bother to ask. -smiles-
Chapter 1: Written from Sirius Black's POV.
Morning came, I cracked my eyes open and my nose filled with the most wonderfully comforting smell – him. I could always smell him in the mornings... he smelt like morning dew and cinnamon – but for some reason this morning it was stronger than usual. I actually smiled, squinting as I looked around the room, wondering where I was and why my head felt as if it was being torn in two. And as I yawned, I tried to turn – and I found out why his smell was so pungent. He was in my bed... in my arms... draped over me – holding me tight to his own body. Did I smile because I knew Remus was in my arms? Did I smile because some part of me preferred to have his body pressed to mine instead of Francis's?
"M-Moony?"
He stirred slightly and smiled in his sleep.
I started to panic. Why was he in my bed? Why was my arm around his shoulders? God Damnit why won't this smile leave my lips!? "Moony.... Moony wake up..."
He grumbled and opened his eyes, smiling once more before closing his eyes and kissing my shirtless chest. "Good Morning."
Finally, that smile that I became afraid of had instantly left my lips. "Why are you in my bed?"
"...What?" He snapped his eyes open; this was obviously not the reaction he was looking for.
I sat up and unwrapped my arm from around his slight frame, making a face as I did so. "Why are you in my bed? Could you not sleep? Did you have a nightmare or something...?"
"...What?"
"Jesus can you not hear in the mo-" I turned to look at him, increasingly annoyed at his repeated question and the brightness of the room. My voice failed me when I saw the look on his face. He was looking at me with those large amber eyes; eyes that threatened to overspill with tears. I lift my hand and rubbed it over my face, turning once more to look away from him. "Fuck..."
"D-Do you not remember..."
"I don't remember anything but drinking too much firewhiskey and waking up with you in my bed." I turned to look at him, my head pounding as I did so. "Why are you in my bed?"
"W-We..." The tears that had threatened to fall from those eyes had already fallen, and were being replaced by new ones, new heavier streams of tears as every second passed.
"We what?" I felt my heart begin to race as I stared at him, and I had the oddest urge... I had the urge to kiss away his tears. Remus shouldn't cry... especially when something tells me it was my fault.
"You told me that you loved me..."
I turned and sat infront of him. "Remus I do love you," his face brightened – and that's when I made the mistake of finishing my thought, at least... I think it was a mistake... "just the same as I love James, and Peter."
His mouth fell from that smile to the frown I would see on his face for days to come.
"That's not the way I love you..." He looked down and more tears fell from his eyes, soaking into the comforter that covered my mattress. I watched as his face contorted with pain, and as he laughed at himself. "I... I have to go."
I reached out and took his hand, and a memory flashed past my eyes – sudden and bright... burning its image into my mind. I saw myself holding his cheek, leaning in for a kiss, and... of all things... doing it again – and again. As this memory kept replaying in my mind, I sat and looked straight at the window, still holding his hand. That was when I snapped out of the trance he had put me under and I looked up at him. My breath caught in my throat as I stared into his eyes... my heart began to pound at an irregular pace as I let go of that hand – that warm and graceful hand - and I nearly cried myself when I covered my face with my own hands. I ran my hands through my hair and when I looked up again, he was gone. My eyes desperately searched the room for him, but instead of getting up to look for him, I lent over... and threw up.
For the rest of the week I avoided him. I made up elaborate excuses as to why I couldn't work on the map, and lied when my excuses were found out. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I couldn't allow myself to relive that night. But every time my eyes would stray to him, to flow over the curve of his body, or get caught in the waves of his hair, even when they followed the path of those fingers across the pages of his text – my heart would remind me I was alive and thump hard against my chest. He wouldn't look at me, he wouldn't talk to me, and he would leave when I entered the room.
I hated myself for being the cause of his pain. I hated myself for being too afraid to come to the full moon that month.
That evening, weeks after I had ruined my friendship with him - an affectionate feminine voice ran out through the candle lit halls. "Sirius! Oh Sirius!"
I turned and was greeted with Francis. Beautiful, soft, gentle Francis. I smiled for the first time in a week. "Hello, Fran."
She took my hand in hers and lent in to kiss me. Her lips were everything she was, and more... yet, somewhere in the back of my mind, I found myself wishing the lips didn't belong to her. "How are you darling? You've been a bit off this week..."
"I'm just fine... don't worry about me." I lent forward and kissed her cheek, and behind her – he was standing there. His head tilted slightly to the side, his lower lip quivering slightly before he swallowed. My eyes followed him as he began to walk past, my lips hitched up into a smile. "Hello, Remus."
He looked at me once before turning his head again to look at the marble floor. For the first time I noticed how the life had left his eyes, and just how aged he looked. He didn't look 17; but looked to be a man of 27 in contrast to his young age.
I took a deep breath and looked back to Francis. "I have to go okay?" I wasn't prepared for my voice to be as soft as it was, nor was I prepared to be as close to tears as I was.
"Sirius... are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine, Francis." I never called her by her full name, and in that small mistake – I revealed just how upset I really felt. I took a deep breath and forced myself to smile. "I just have to go, okay?"
"Sweetie you're worrying me..." She looked into my eyes and I felt her concern.
I opened my mouth to speak, but thought better of it. So instead, I looked down, back up at her, and swallowed the forming lump in my throat. Leaning forward, I kissed her gently. "I'll see you later, okay?"
She was about to speak back to me, but closed her mouth. Her large, soulful chocolate eyes searched mine, and when she found that I wasn't going to say anything more, she managed to return my last word in response. "Okay..."
I smiled once more and left her side, breaking into a jog as I went to the Gryffindor common room. Inside sat James and Peter.
The breath had escaped my lungs as I spoke to him. "James... James where's Remus?"
"He said he was going to the Quidditch pitch..." James sighed as he looked over at Lily. He then looked back up at me, furrowing his eyebrows. "Just what the hell did you do to him anyway?"
"What... What do you mean?"
"He's been awfully depressed for two and a half weeks... it's got something to do with you, I know it. Because he's been treating - even looking at you differently than before."
"I didn't..." I stopped myself, knowing that I couldn't lie to James any longer. "Alright, I did do something to him, that's where you're right..." I ran an impatient hand through my hair. "And I need to go find him and make it better again."
James looked at me for a minute longer, searching my eyes – trying to figure out if I was lying or actually being truthful for the first time in days. "Then go to the Quidditch pitch." He then sat back in the chair he was resting in, and looked back down to his book.
I took a deep breath and made my way to the castle exit which led to the Quidditch pitch, nearly running the whole way there. I knocked into people of all types on the way out – Slytherin's, Professors; I think I even jumped over Miss. Norris at one point – and I didn't even have the time to laugh when Filch screamed for his precious cat's mercy. I finally made it to the pitch, completely out of breath – watching as puffs of white air formed infront of me – floating towards the cloudless sky. I looked around the ground searching for him, looking everywhere for him. I was about to give up when from the corner of my eye; I saw puffs of white air rise from one of the Gryffindor stands. A smile, a real smile broke out on my face as I ran towards the stand, and I took each step by two, making my way towards him.
I stood at the entrance to the stand and watched as he lay on his back, looking at the sky – watching as the pale moon rose into the sky, watching as the stars twinkled, almost as if they were winking at all those beneath them. I looked up and noticed how it looked as if the stars were laughing and joking with eachother as they watched us. Taking a deep breath and summoning all the courage I had, I walked towards him.
"...Remus..."
I watched as his breath caught in his body, and his eyes closed. He sat up and looked at me, not bothering to wipe his eyes. His voice was small and timid as he spoke to me. "What?"
I took a step towards him feeling as if I needed to touch him and calm his breaking heart. "I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for." He turned and looked towards the other side of the stands, watching as the flags on the Slytherin towers billowed with the night breeze.
"Yes I do..." I stepped forward again, coming to a stop just an arms length away from him. "The pain you feel, your tears... everything. It's all because of me, and I'm sorry for that."
He actually laughed. "It was nothing but a schoolboy crush." I could tell that it was a lie... as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, opening them again – only to be focused again at the opposing tower.
I stepped forward again, feeling as if my heart was going to burst from my chest, feeling as if I needed to be curled around his body to be happy, feeling as if his smile would be the only thing to keep my own heart from breaking into a thousand pieces – scattering themselves to the wind. "If it was just a schoolboy crush... then why are you crying? And why does it feel as if your heart is breaking in two when I'm standing beside you?" I wasn't prepared for my voice to break and I wasn't prepared to feel tears burn my eyes.
Remus didn't answer. The only sign of him actually hearing me was the small fact that he looked down into his lap.
"Remus... I'm so sorry..." I sat down beside him. "I'm so sorry for hurting you, for making you feel like death would be a better choice than to sit here and not have you by my side."
His breath quickened and he furrowed his eyebrows as he turned to look at me. "...What?"
"I can't stand being away from you Remus... I can't stand having you mad at me." I felt tears fall down my cheeks as I stared at him, using all the inner strength I had not to reach out and touch his cheek, to feel his skin against mine. I felt my eyebrows draw together as the tears forced themselves out of my body. "I'm so sorry..." My breath hitched in my throat as I looked away from him and closed my eyes.
"Sirius..."
"God I... I was happy when I woke up next to you – for the first time in years, I was actually happy to wake up next to someone and not feel sick, or guilty about what happened the night before – even if I didn't remember it. And I didn't know why you were there, and for a minute... I didn't care." The tears came in strong waves, and I laughed when I spoke next. "And all that mattered was the fact that you were there beside me, and that it smelt of morning dew and cinnamon." I turned to him and saw that new tears had fallen down his cheeks, so I reached forward – placing my hands to either side of his cheeks. "Remus... God help me I still can't remember everything that happened that night. But... I know that I do remember," I swallowed hard before speaking again, and my heart felt as if it had grown to fill my whole chest. "telling you that I loved you... and that I meant it when I said it."
Instead of kissing me as I thought he would, Remus placed his hands to mine, and took them away from his face, resting them in his lap. He didn't let go of my hands; instead, he squeezed them and looked into my eyes as he spoke. "Please don't lie to me, because I don't think I'd be able to handle it if you are." He sniffed and smiled slightly as he spoke.
"I'm not lying to you Remus. I love you... and I would never lie about that." I felt myself begin to panic as he stared at me. I couldn't read the emotions on his face, as I once was able to. It seemed as if he put up a wall against me.
He ran his thumb over my knuckles as he looked down, and brought my hand up to his lips, kissing my fingers gently. He then held my hand under his chin and smiled. "Padfoot..."
"Sirius..."
Remus shook his head and laid his cheek against my fingers. "Padfoot." He kissed my fingers again and managed a smile through his tears as he placed my hands back into my own lap. "Strange and beautiful Padfoot, you'll always be my first kiss, and you'll always be in my heart..."
"No, no, no... Remus..." I placed my hands to his shoulders and held them tight. "Remus, I'm Sirius... I'm your Sirius. I want to be your first and last kiss, and I want to currently be in your heart... I don't want to be a memory to you."
He looked down and smiled kindly. "I wanted so badly for you to love me the way I loved you, Sirius. For years that's all I wanted." He looked up at me, the same smile still on his lips. "And now that I actually have the chance to have that wish come true... and I'm so scared of loosing it."
"You won't loose it, God I promise you that you won't ever loose it..."
"Sirius..." He placed one of his hands to my cheek, one of his graceful, warm hands brushed past my skin and through my hair. He pulled my head to his, resting our foreheads together. "You keep forgetting that I know you as well as I know myself. You would love me and leave me, just like all the other's that you've been with."
"No... no I wouldn't do that to you. I love you..."
"You loved Janessa, just as you loved Bernadette. You told us you'd never leave them..." Remus let Sirius sit back, still smiling that sweet, kind smile he reserved only for me. "And now you're with Francis."
"Remus..." I let my hands fall from his shoulders and to his lap.
"I don't want to be another tick on your bedpost, I don't want to be one of your conquests... What I want, you can't give me."
"What do you want? Remus... Remus what do you want?" I felt more tears fall down my cheeks, and he wiped each one of them away.
"I want to be with you for as long as it takes for my life to end. I want you to love me like there is no other, I want you to seek happiness in only me, and find it." He wiped away more of my tears. "I want you to be happy... and I'm not what makes you happy. I'm not the person for you to love for the rest of your life. I'm the person you love right now."
"...Remus..."
He lent forward and kissed me gently, resting his lips on my own for a long while, brushing his lips against mine only momentarily once more before leaning back. He smiled at me as he placed his hand to my cheek again, letting it fall from my cheek to my neck before he spoke. "Moony." He lent forward and kissed my forehead, and I felt my tears start to dry up. "I love you, Sirius. I'll always love you. But you can't love me, you're not supposed to love me."
"If I'm not supposed to love you, then why did I come here? Why do I feel like my world is meaningless if you're not in it?"
"I don't know," He let his hand fall from my neck and to my hands. "But I do know that I will always be in your life. I'll always be here."
"But I want you to be with me...not just beside me as a friend."
"Sirius, my choice is final." He squeezed my hands in his and stood up, letting my hands fall from his. "I can't let myself bask in the glory of your love if it's not going to last. I wouldn't be able to handle it if you ever..." He paused in his speech, crossing his arms. "if you ever left me."
"Are you doing this because I hurt you?"
He shook his head. "No."
I stood up and took his face in my hands. "Then let me show you my love, let me prove it to you that I won't ever leave you."
"How can I know that's not a lie?"
"Because you have to trust me, Remus... you have to trust me to find out."
He took in a quiet breath and looked into my eyes. "I want to..."
"Then do it... you can't live life and never take any chances, Remus." I let my hands fall from his cheeks to his neck, leaving my thumbs to touch his jaw.
I felt him swallow as he looked at me, and I felt his pulse quicken. I could feel it as he thought over my offer, as he considered letting me into his life, considered breaking down the wall that stood between us.
All of my doubts were shattered when he smiled and lent forward, wrapping his arms around my body, and laid his lips to mine, kissed me. Telling me that the answer to my question... was yes.
And as he fell into my arms, putting his complete trust into me, he allowed me to love him... and he allowed himself to love me in return.
The title/description of the fic is mostly words all Copywrited to the band Aqualung. And, so you can understand why I picked that song, here's the lyrics. I suggest you download the song - it's completely beautiful!!
Strange and Beautiful - Aqualung
I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.
I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.
Yeah...
Yeah...
Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the frist thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...
I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep,
I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.
I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep 'cos I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me, yeah...
yeah...
yeah...
yeah...
yeah...
END! Please Read and Reveiw!! -smiles- And to my regular readers of WOTM (if you read this...), let me know what you think of the change of writing - THANK-YOU!