A/N: ok, c jane review asked 4 the names of the characters & actors in the movie, so i hope ur reading this, jane: Zelda (Norma Shearer; Mary--mary's the name in the movie), Malon (Joan Crawford; Crystal), Peach (Rosalind Russell; Sylvia), Samus (Paulette Goddard; Miriam), The Countess DeLave, aka Impa (Mary Boland; Flora), Saria (Joan Fontaine; Peggy), Daisy (Phyllis Povah; Edith), Young Zelda (Virginia Weidler; Little Mary), and lastly, Ruto (Marjorie Main; Lucy). Phew! what a mouthful! ne of those names familiar, janey? well, neway, read on!!
"How's Zelda doing?" Impa asked Samus the next day.
"She was still sort of in denial this morning," Samus answered, remembering what had been said between them:
"Zelda, don't worry, you'll be fine," Samus had said.
"I--I don't know what I'm kicking about," Zelda'd gasped. "I've still got my pride!"
"What IS pride, anyway?" Impa sighed. "It seems that all it's ever done is make a woman stark-raving, well, devastated."
"Ain't it true?" Samus agreed. "Except for Saria. Now there's a real trooper for you. Didn't give a darn that she'd have to swallow her pride; she was willing to give it up for the man she loves."
"And now it's too late for Zelda to do the same," Impa whispered. "I feel terrible."
"We all do," Samus said. Then she grimaced. "Except for her own cousin, that Peach creature. Boy, I didn't get her the way I wanted to last time. Why, if I had the chance, I'd--"
"Yes, dear," Impa interrupted. "But I think Mrs. Fowler would rather be left alone right now."
"Yeah, I know," Samus said. "That's why I wanna knock her cold before she's happy again."
-----------------18 Months Later-------------------
Malon sat comfortably in a bath filled to the brim with large, foamy bubbles. They covered her entire body; that is, the bubbles came up to her neck line. Smoking a cigarette, she mulled over a magazine in her hand. Ah, why didn't journalists ever report about anything interesting?
Her maid came in at that moment, saying, "Madam, Monsieur says that you should get out of that bath now. He--"
"I told monsier that the doctor TOLD me take these baths!" Malon snapped. "It's for my health!"
"But Madam--"
"Don't you 'but madam' me!" Malon shouted. A telephone lying nearby rang suddenly. Malon glanced at it, then said, "Get out. OUUUTT!!!!"
The frightened maid rushed out in a hurry, and Malon picked up the phone as soon as the door was closed. "Hello?" She grinned. "Yes, you .... yeah, and I've been shriveled to a peanut waiting for this call. ..... uh-huh. I thought that when I had this bathroom installed I'd have a little privacy, but --phew! The way people barge in and out you'd think it was Grand Central Station." She laughed. "What? Yes ...."
Malon was too distracted to see the bathroom door slide open once again, and Young Zelda carefully walked in.
"Yeah, I'll say we had fun," Malon cooed into the phone. Then she noticed Young Zelda standing innocently there, watching her. "I'll call you back," Malon said quickly. She hung up the phone and looked at the girl. She put a strained smile on her face. "Eh, who sent you in here?"
"Father," Young Zelda answered. "He's walking me to mother's, and he told me to say good-night to you. Well, good-night, Malon." She headed for the door.
"Wait a moment," Malon said in a sugary tone. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Y. Zelda turned around to face her with an unreadable expression on her face. "You've been told to call me Auntie Malon."
"Yes."
"Well why don't ya do it?" Malon asked, pretending to be sad.
Young Zelda looked at the ceiling a moment, thinking. Then she turned around again. "Well, good night, Malon."
"My, you're awfully eager to tell Daddy about it, aren't you?" Malon asked, recovering her syrupy tone.
"About what?"
"About my talk on the telephone," Malon answered.
"I don't understand grown-ups on the telephone," Young Zelda said back. "They don't make any sense. So if you'll excuse me, I think I'll be going."
"You sit down there!" Malon barked, pointing to a stool near her tub, her sweet voice completely gone.
"Please, Malon, it's hot in here and I have my coat on," the small girl said softly.
"I said sit down!" Malon barked.
Young Zelda quietly acquiesced, and crossed the room. She sat down and stared blankly at the seething Malon. "Now you are going to sit here and tell me WHY you don't like me."
"I never said I didn't like you," Young Zelda said innocently.
"But you don't, do you?"
"No, but I never said so," Young Zelda replied.
Malon was red with anger. "Just wait 'til your father hears about this!"
"Listen, father doesn't think you're so wonderful anymore!" Young Zelda retaliated. She gazed into space, saying dreamily, "We understand each other, Daddy and I."
"Well I'm sure you've done plenty of mouthing to your mother," Malon snorted.
"No I haven't!!" Young Zelda said back, in a severly stern and fierce tone that Malon hadn't been expecting. "It's my job to keep mother cheerful! And now I am leaving, AUNTIE Malon." She stalked towards the door. Before closing it behind her, she added, "Just one more thing--I think that this bathroom is absolutely ridiculous. And good-night." Then she slammed the door shut, and Malon snarled after her.
"Why, you..." The phone rang, and she picked up again. "Hello .... look, don't call me anymore. If there's any calling to be done, I'll call you. ..... it's too dangerous! That little Haines brat was just in here, and ....... you're drunk! Oh yes you are, or you wouldn't want to be taking any chances either!"
"Yoo-hoo! May I come in?" came a bubbly voice from another door.
"Oh great, here comes MORE trouble," Malon sighed, gripping the phone tightly. She called out, "Just a minute, Peach!" then returned to the phone, saying, "I've got to hang up now, and don't you DARE call me back here again!!" She banged it down onto its reciever angrily, then said, "Come in, dear!"
Peach waltzed into the room, holding a cigarette holder. She grinned at Malon. "Hello, darling, how goes it?"
"Everything's fine," Malon told her through gritted teeth. "I've just been soaking her for a while. It's for my nerves."
"For your nerves? I'll have to ask my psychoanalyst about that," Peach said. "Can you believe it, dear? I have to tell him EVERYTHING."
"What a great effort THAT must be," Malon said sarcastically.
Peach spat out a chocolate she had just picked up, with an "oh, ick!!". Then she turned to Malon. "Oh, I don't mind talking about myself. It's just telling him about my friends that makes me feel disloyal .... I even told him about Link and Zelda! You see, Dr. Mario says that Link has a guilt complex."
"A g--a what?" Malon asked, as if she had never heard the word "guilt" before.
"He--oh, want me to get your back, dear?"
"Sure."
Malon leaned forward, as Peach took a brush and scrubbed away at her friend's back. "Dr. Mario says that men like Link can't admit that anything they feel for a woman is anything but love. So naturally, Link had to convince himself that your, uh, relationship had dignity to it, and--"
"Ouch, you're takin' the skin off my back!" Malon interrupted.
Peach eased up, then continued. "And so he felt that had to marry you to justify everything. In fact, the doctor thinks that Link still is in love with Zelda."
"I've worked too hard to land this meal ticket," Malon sighed, "to make any false moves now. I've been Mrs. Link Haines for eighteen months, and so I don't need any of your nagging babbling to--"
"Is that any way to talk to me after all I've done for you?!" Peach cried, dropping the brush and standing with her hands on her hips.
"Done what?" Malon snorted.
"You didn't know a soul when you married Link!" Peach answered. "I've gotten you into some of our very best homes!"
"Yes, with some of their very best insults," Malon sneered.
"Hmph." Nose in the air, Peach began to walk towards the door.
"Oh, Peach," Malon said softly. "Who ... who was Mrs. Roy Winston before she married Roy Winston?"
"Le Countess DeLave!" Peach replied immediately, sitting down on a chair in front of the tub. "Imagine! Giving up that title to marry some cowhand--I think her name is Impa, or something--I have to laugh every time I think that she actually got him into radio! Oh, Malon, he's the chambermaid's delight!"
"Oh, really?" Malon asked, looking down and raising her eyebrows.
The maid opened the door again. "Mrs. Fowler, Mrs. Potter is on the telephone for you."
"Oh, okay, I'll take it in here," Peach said, reaching for the phone.
Malon bared her teeth and slashed her hand across her throat. The maid looked at her worriedly, then quickly stammered, "But, the call is on the other phone, madam!"
Peach looked from the maid to Malon, then grinned when she was struck with realization. "Are you telling me that this charming little instrument is not an extension?"
"Link does so much work on the other phone, I had to get my own line," Malon said with a smile.
"I'll bet you anything Link THINKS this is an extension," Peach said, still smiling devilishly.
"Go answer the telephone," Malon said bitterly.
Peach waved her hand at the maid. "Tell her I'll call her back."
The nervous maid quickly smiled and exited the room. Malon frowned in disgust as Peach smirked at her.
"You sly little fox, you!" she laughed. "You put this phone in here to talk to a man, didn't you?"
"I told you why it's here before," Malon growled. "Now if you'd LEAVE, I'm going to take a shower." She pulled down on a rope, and a curtain rolled down in front of her.
"Wha--hm." Peach got up to leave, when suddenly the phone rang. She dove for it.
"Don't you dare pick up that phone!!" Malon shouted. But by the time she had stuck her head and arm out from behind the curtain, Peach had already gotten it.
"Hello?" Peach said sweetly. Her eyes widened, and she laughed hysterically. Malon reached out and snatched the phone from her. She hung it up.
"What'd he say?!" she demanded.
"Not a thing," Peach laughed, standing up. She mocked his drunken voice: "Not a thingle thing, dahling!"
"All right, so what?" Malon asked, a little calmer.
"He was SINGING!" Peach chortled. "Comma tai, yai yiippie ai-yay, darling!" She fell into another fit of hysterics. "Malon, ohhhh, Malon!" She pointed to the phone. "Roy Winston!! The chambermaid's delight!!" She headed quickly for the door.
"You haven't got a thing on me, Peach Fowler, not a thing!" Malon snorted, a wicked grin plastered onto her face.
"Do I care?" Peach asked, smiling widely. She walked back to the tub. "Now I'm not going to say anything about you with Impa's husband, because THAT would give Zelda Haines too much satisfaction. So you just hang on to Link, and we'll BOTH be happy."
"Will you shake on that?" Malon asked with a smile, holding out her hand.
"Sure, why not?" Peach asked, reaching out as well and shaking Malon's hand.
"Are they gone yet?" Norma asked, peeking into a room and addressing one of the maids inside it.
"No, they're downstairs having a dinner party," the maid, Jane, answered.
"Oh, I don't know how my daughter can stand those wretched creatures," Norma sighed, stepping into the room. "They're a bad influence on my Zelda."
"Well, I hear that she fed them all on her last night at Reno," Jane said. "So now she feels--"
"--that she must feed them annually," Norma sighed. "Honestly." They heard footsteps and laughter coming from the hallway. "Ah. The approach of the innoncence." The old woman stepped into another room, saying, "I leave you my share of them, Jane."
Zelda and Samus walked into the room, arm in arm, and they walked over to the makeup counter. Each got out a tube of lipstick, and applied it while looking into a large mirror.
"Zelda, please hurry," Saria begged, standing beside them. "Jack and I have to be home by four--the baby always wakes up and he'll make a scene if we're not there." She gasped and smiled. "Did I tell you? He said the CUTEST thing yesterday." Saria's voice was brimming with excitement. "He said .... Dada!!"
"When does he enter college?" Marin asked sarcastically, adding some rouge to her cheeks.
"Hello again, girls," Daisy greeted, entering the room.
"Hello, Daisy," Zelda said back.
"Ooh, do you want to hear something about Peach?" Daisy asked.
"NO," Zelda and Samus responded at the same time.
"Well," Daisy said, continuing as if she hadn't heard them. "She's seeing this new psychoanalyst, Dr. Mario."
"What? But he's a dreadful fake!" Zelda said, getting out some eyeshadow.
"I know! Isn't it a scream? Peach's mad about him!" Daisy laughed. "Do you know what she pays an hour just to drool at the man?"
"What?"
"One hundred dollars."
"It's worth a million," Samus chuckled, still applying crimson to her lips.
"You know, you really should make up with Peach, Zelda," Daisy said. "She's been livid at the way you high-hatted her ever since Reno."
"I'd rather have her for a friend than an enemy," Marin announced seriously from behind them.
"Not me," Zelda snorted with a grin.
"Say, where's Impa?" Daisy asked.
"Oh, she's still downstairs, drinking with the men," Zelda answered. She tapped Saria on the shoulder. "Go get her, will you, Saria?"
"What's the hurry?" Samus asked, powdering her face. "One more drink, and Impa'll float up on her own breath."
Zelda laughed. Then Impa walked into the room, with Daisy and Saria on either side of her. "What a divine dinner party this is!" she cried out joyously. She reached out and hugged three of the women at the same time. "Isn't it so nice to see all our lives so settled?--temporarily--Zelda, dear, why don't you go downstairs and put that poor Ganon out of his misery?"
"How, shoot him?" Zelda joked, playing with some of the pearls on Impa's necklace.
"Marry him, darling!" Impa laughed. Zelda did as well.
"I'll get your wrap, Zelda," Saria said. "Which one?"
"Oh, I don't think I'm going to go back," Zelda said.
"Why, are you sure?" Saria asked.
"Yes," Zelda answered. "No Casino Roof for me tonight."
"Now Zellie, you're not, uh, upset that my Roy's had a wee bit too much to drink, are you?" Impa laughed, putting on a large coat.
"It's not that," Samus said with a grin. "Your ducky is stinko."
"Oh but Zelda, you really should come," Impa pleaded, after glaring at Samus. She frowned. "You see, I'm never coming back to New York."
"You're not?" Zelda asked, also frowning. "Why, what's the matter?"
Impa sighed deeply. "Can you keep a secret?"
"Might as well tell the world, darling, what is it?" Zelda asked, smiling broadly.
"Well, you see--"
She cut short upon noticing the that the other four women in the room were crowded around her with curiousity. Zelda prompted her to go on. Impa sighed, and went on. "Well .... Well ...." She sat down, and the others did as well, forming a circle. "Can we keep this between the five of us? Em, the six of us?"
"Shoot, Impa, it's a nation-wide hook-up," Samus said, grinning.
"Well....you know the way Roy was always cooing love songs in my ear?" Impa asked. The others nodded, and she grimaced. "He doesn't do it anymore."
"Well, maybe he's saving himself for the microphone," Samus suggested.
Impa shook her head. "No...he's been coming home lately smelling of some strange perfume."
"Where does he say he's been?" Saria asked.
Impa's eyes narrowed. "With his horse."
"Oh, poor Impa," Zelda said with a smile.
"I think it's better just to keep floating around," Impa sniffed, drawing her fur collar tighter around her neck.
"Yes, that's it, Impa," Marin said sorrowfully. "Chin up."
Impa smiled, until Samus cracked, "That's right--both of 'em."
The women stood up, and Zelda saw them all to the door.
"Good-night, dear," Marin said, clamping her purse shut and leaving the room.
Impa stopped to embrace Zelda, and said, "May we meet again someday, my darling Zel."
"Yes," Zelda said, smiling wistfully as Impa left. There goes another friend, she thought to herself.
"Night, Zel," Saria said. She stopped as Daisy also approached the doorway, saying:
"Well, Zelda, I guess that since you're not going I can tell you--if you had, you'dve run right into Link, Malon, and Peach!" Daisy laughed, seeming to find something about it extremely hilarious.
"And you'dve let it happen, wouldn't you?" Saria asked sternly.
"Well after all, they've got to meet again SOMEtime," Daisy said, as if it were all very logical.
"Yes, but you know how much Zelda hates situations!" Saria struck back.
"Oh, it's all right," Zelda laughed.
"Good-night, dearie," Daisy said, as Saria walked away. She hugged Zelda, then frowned. "I hate this dress. Mido always says it looks as if I was going to sing in it ..."
Zelda laughed as Daisy left, and Samus walked up. "Just wait--I wish you could see the cooing fest I'll put over Marth, all for our dear, darling, Peachie," Samus said, smiling impishly and batting her eyelashes. "Say, while I'm up there, shall I spit in Malon's eye for you?"
"Ah, no," Zelda laughed quietly. "That's all right."
"You're passing up a swell chance, sister," Samus giggled. "Where I spit, no grass grows EVER. Good-night."
"Night," Zelda said softly, watching her last friend leave. She shut the door, then looked around questioningly as she heard a strange fizzing sound coming from behind her. She turned around, and saw Norma parading about, spraing a perfume bottle. "Mother, whatever ARE you doing?"
"Fumigating," Norma answered shortly. "Those friends of yours simply push me over the edge with all their cologne."
Zelda laughed and walked to her desk. She changed out of her evening gown and pulled on a humongous white, mink coat.
"Good read?" Norma asked, picking up a book on the nightstand.
"Yes, it's very romantic," Zelda called back.
Norma sighed. "Zelda, I wish you would just--"
"--find some nice man," Zelda finished for her. "I don't see how I can, mother. I had the only one I ever wanted ..." She gazed at the ceiling. "If it hadn't been for my pride, I'd ..." She broke the sentence off awkwardly, and walked over to her bed.
"Yes, well, heaven knows it's wonderful to be able to spread out in bed like a swastika," Norma commented. "Good-night, Zelda."
"Good night." Zelda settled down in her bed to read, when she heard the door creak open. She looked up.
"Mother, c-could I sleep with you tonight?" Young Zelda asked timidly from her position in the doorway.
"Sure, darling," Zelda answered, pulling back her covers. Her daughter smiled and leapt onto the bed. "I'm liable to keep you awake though, dear ..."
"That's okay, I can't sleep anyway," Young Zelda assured her.
"Oh yes you can, if you try," Zelda sighed, picking up her book again.
There was silence for a few moments, then Young Zelda said, "Mother, which is more important? Truth or honor?"
"They're equally important, honey," Zelda answered. "One doesn't exist without the other."
"Yes it does," Young Zelda said. "I have such a big problem concering them."
"Oh, you do?" Zelda asked with amusment, still looking at her book's pages.
"Yes, you see, daddy lied to me tonight, but he did it for an honorable reason," Young Zelda answered.
"Daddy didn't lie to you," Zelda assured her. "Now, go to sleep."
"But mother, he DID lie to me," Young Zelda persisted. "You see, he lied to me by telling me that he loves Malon. But I know he doesn't, if he'd only find it deep within his heart to tell me."
"Darling, you know that daddy is very happy with Malon," Zelda said.
"Oh, mother, he isn't," Young Zelda whimpered. "He sits for hours and hours all alone in his study, while that silly thing plays Solataire with the radio on. He's so lonesome, so sad and just plain miserable. I told him I was going to tell you tonight, but he said not to bother."
"Why not?" Zelda asked, setting the book down.
Young Zelda yawned; she could feel herself getting tired. "He said because why would you care about how he feels? Oh, and that Malon, I wish he knew ..." She yawned again. "She's been talking pretty lovey-dovey to someone on the telephone a lot ..."
Zelda's eyes widened. "Who's she been talking to?!"
"I don't know," Young Zelda...yawned. "You'd have to ask Auntie Peach. They're together all the time."
Suddenly, something in Zelda's mind clicked. She leapt off the bed, scaring the heebie-jeebies out of her daughter. She pulled a rope for the maid, and grabbed her mink coat again.
"What is it, mother?" Young Zelda asked. "Did you forget you're invited to a party or something?"
"Almost!" Zelda laughed, hugging the girl tightly.
"Is something the matter, dear?" Norma asked, entering the room in a nightgown. "I thought I heard you ring."
"Oh nothing's wrong, nothing," Zelda said quickly. Jane walked into the room, her hair slightly tousled.
"What is it, ma'am?"
"Jane, quick! Call a cab and get my things ready!" Zelda said. "Oh, I've never been so happy in my LIFE!" Smiling from ear to ear, she ran for the door.
"Zelda, what is going on?!" Norma asked.
"Ha ha, I've had two years to grow claws, mother!" Zelda laughed, holding her nails out before as if they were, indeed, claws. "Jungle Red!"
A/N: 'member? jungle red's the color that got this whole mess started. hope that chappie was ok! o, and 4 neone reading this--if ne of those actresses on top were familiar, tell me so in a review!!! oh, and y rnt there ne actors? simply b/c no men r featured in the movie. a cast of 135 women only! (not a man in sight--still brilliant). ok, i'll shut up now. plz plz plz review!