I decided to continue this when I feel inspired to, so forgive me if future "updates" take long spans of time. I apologize.

-MC '

Miserable ...

Disclaimer: I do not own the InuYasha characters but I did create this story.

"..." Speaking
'...' Thoughts

That was perhaps one of the greatest nights of my life, just at the wrong time it would seem. The next day went about as usual, staying at Keade's for a while and shipping off on another shard hunt. We received odd glances from Sango, Miroku and Shippo, but they never really spoke up against their thoughts. Hell, Kirara seemed to have a spark in her cat eyes.

The days rolled on, and battles took place, exhausting our bodies but bringing the pleasure and relief that the shard's' we gained before our biggest foe could get his claws on them. Even so, something in my gut was twisting and at the time my brain didn't register what or why. But I know now what was so odd. It was the fact that Kikyo hadn't made an appearance in the span of two months to visit Inuyasha. I didn't know then why, but soon enough her bait lured his curiosity as one night he left us that night as so many times before.

I ached that night, and I cried myself to a hollow sleep. Two months of feeling free to love him, to care, to not fear him leaving, and it crumbled away like a sand castle washed away by the ocean tides. By morning he still had not returned, leaving me sad, angry, confused, and hurt. So fucking hurt and upset all I wanted to do was go home. Betrayal was somewhere in the list of turbulent emotions where my heart was ripping, breaking, shredding, and splitting down in two. And when he did come back, his eyes were tired, shoulders slumped, scowling, and ruffled. His hair was a mess, ever so slightly to my eyes, and his clothing was dusty. His back in particular. I had jumped to an automatic conclusion he and Kikyo had screwed the night away into the morning light, but kept my mouth shut as everyone but him packed up to move out.

I don't know how long we walked, but it wasn't until much later that afternoon that he showed the signs of his temper. When he came up behind me to ask to talk for a moment, probably sensing how I must have been feeling, I faked sensing a jewel shard, and had us all heading East. East towards a village. East towards the village Keade resided at. The village outside of Inuyasha's Forest. The forest where the well was kept, and my passage back home. He more than likely knew I was lying, but made no argument to protest. Nothing but, "Feh, fine. Let's go."

He was angry at my brush off, but I guess one learns from the best. I know I was brooding. I know that I wasn't laughing, or smiling much. I know I was looking and acting like him, but all my thoughts were on feigning this little hunt towards home and formulate a plan. To plan a route in which, out of the blue, have the well "conveniently" emerge in a clearing enabling me to dash off saying a quick good-bye, and slipping away back home to my time.

I know I had promised him in not so many words that I'd stay with him. That I had been there because it was my choice to stay, and it was my choice to love him. However, at that moment, nothing mattered. I sucked it up and just wanted to go home to bottle up my grief while scrubbing the grime and guck from my body. The fighting was getting more intense, more deadly, and harder to predict as the demons began coming at us in larger sizes and with more shards in their flesh, scales, horns, bones and the like. Probably the ones who first picked up the shards once I shattered the damned thing.

Running my fingers through my hair, I let myself wonder what it would be like making love with him the first time. I wondered if I'd be his first as he would have been mine. Let myself stupidly picturing him with a couple toddlers running around the wooden house in confusion of who was getting into what. Thought maybe he'd be a good father. Hoped I'd be a good mother to my, our, children. God, if there is one, I had dreamed that it could happen, but then, I was ready to say goodbye once it was all over with. Naraku's death, completion of the Jewel, seeing the curse of the wind tunnel disappear, discover if Inuyasha still chose to wish himself to be a full fledged demon. Watch him to Hell with Kikyo. Yes. I'd watch it all. I'd watch every moment... and be happy for them all. Then I'd go home. If I could still go home once the Jewel was gone, if it were to be gone after the wish or prayer was made of it.

So lost in thought I hadn't even heard him approach me as we marched our way ever closer through the thick forest in direction to Kaede's. "Kagome?"

When I looked at him, I could see the hurt in his eyes but I was still angry. I was angry and hurt, and my previous thoughts did nothing my fuel that anger. "Yes, Inuyasha?" I asked quietly, bitterly, disappointedly.

He flinched a little. "Kagome, we need to talk about something."

"I think everything is fine Inuyasha. Nothing has really changed so much that needs discussing." His ears drooped ever so slightly and, crossing his arms, looking ahead of him again, huffed and marched ahead of us. I knew he wanted to give me some half-assed concoction of a story as to why he was away during the night. Probably wouldn't even be acting this way if no one knew he had left in the first place. I didn't care.

"Kagome?" I heard Sango saying as she scooted over to my left. "Kagome, are you alright?"

"Everything is just fine Sango, why?" I knew it was lame attempt to act innocent. If traveling with these people for over a year and something hadn't brought us closer together as a tight unit of friends, of second family, then what the Hell would? They knew me as well as I knew myself. I knew them just as deep. We understood each other, which is why Sango probably approached me as I nonchalantly spied Miroku cautiously attempt to follow up on Inuyasha.

"Kagome, you know we can sense something is upsetting you. It's most certainly upsetting Inuyasha. Tell me what's wrong." as if to add further incentive, Kirara, perched on her right shoulder, mewed strongly.

"Look," I had sighed. "It's nothing to worry over. Inuyasha and I always end up getting into an argument of some kind day in and day out. Him and I behaving this way shouldn't be that surprising. Just as much as Miroku's affections towards village girls. You, in particular. I can tell just by the way he looks at you." I tried to smile, to hide my pain, in hopes of my friends happiness.

She blushed. In anger or embarrassment, I chose not to determine. "I-I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh come on Sango. He's like, totally and madly in love with you." I chirped, a bit bitterly, I cringed.

"Oh, and what of you and Inuyasha,"she bit back teasingly. "It's just, well, we've noticed how you and he look at each other. Your eyes soften as his grow soft. It's clear you love each other."

I sighed. "You and Miroku are no different. There's no denying it, Sango. If Inuyasha and I are so obvious, then you two are no better. It's just after all this time to say other-wise would be a lie, which I am personally tired of doing. Inuyasha told me about his true feelings of me and I told him how I've felt about him all this time. It's just, it's just that it seems he's forgotten about that night."

"What do you mean, 'he's forgotten about that night?' "

"The night we confessed our love for each other, Sango. Two months ago. I was ready to leave for good. Told him that if he desired to be with his former love to do so and I wouldn't get in his way. I was tired of feeling in between. Then instead of saying anything, he just turned around, facing away from me. I walked off to come back to Keade's, when out of no where he appeared right in front of me. He confessed. We kissed and then told me he'd find a way for us to be together."

"You mean, Kikyo and the life debt she holds him to? The one of him following her into Hell once Naraku's been defeated? He said willing to back out of that vow to be with you?"

"Not in so many words, but that's what I felt he meant what he said as." I mumbled.

"Well that's wonderful Kagome!" she praised. "Now you can be free to love each other as you choose."

"Nope. See, him leaving last night hasn't been the first night that he's left. I've caught him snooping around the forest edge looking for something, or rather... someone. It's Kikyo, I know that's who he's seeing. He's kimono is always dirty when he comes back, he's tired, and disheveled. I don't want to think he's consummated things with her, but it's hard to ignore the tall tale sign of one's love making in the dirt." I sighed again shaking my head of the images rolling around my head. Him and Kikyo doing that... well. Not something I'd like to think about let alone picture in my head.

Sango was quiet for a moment, obviously thinking about my latest comment before glancing up at the two males several yards ahead of us. "I think it looks like your observations reflect truth upon the situation, but, maybe it is not completely what you see it to be. I think Miroku just figured that much out for himself." It was then I noticed a good sized lump egging up from his scalp, obviously a sign of Inuyasha's annoyance of him for something he must of said. "Inuyasha," I sighed quietly, pleased to see him continue walking, not hearing my command. "Sit." Walking past the said hanyou, now lying in a form fitting hole about a foot deep, I heard him mumble something about exacting revenge against some "stupid wench." Who the wench was, I hadn't the foggiest idea, but I'm sure she wasn't as bad as he'd depicted, and thus ignored promptly.

"No, I don't think so. Why don't you just -sit- down and rest around a little bit while Sango and I go -sit- under that tree over there." I mumbled over the pounding of body digging deeper into the soil and obscenities floating in the air around it, pointing up a small hill adorned by a thick, Sakura Tree, as I did so. "If you boys need anything, let us know. We'll be -sit-ting up there."

Sango and I talked quietly between ourselves, Shippo perched quietly on my left shoulder, commenting as usual about Inuyasha's idiocy. How he loved me but was too proud and stubborn to admit it. Man, the look on his face when I told what happened already. His reaction could be easily described as "a dear caught in headlights." It wasn't that which had me sulking; it was I, really, who was too stubborn to ignore that fact. His love for me. Finally after all the hurt of thinking he wanted Kikyo, he chose me; but it was at this time he slowly became engulfed with the old flame.

Realizing this, I turned my gaze over to he and the monk, watching as they conversed in their own conversation. Inuyasha's ears were considerably drooped and eyes downcast to the grass swaying in the breeze. His hands rested in front of himself, hidden slightly from my view by the one leg closest to me bent at the knee, towards the sky, as the other rested bent against the ground, in an half Indian styled seat. I wanted to approach behind him. To nuzzle my head into his hair. To hold him firmly around his chest, close to me. I wanted self assurance. Reassurance that he and I would be together. I wanted to be positive he wouldn't leave me like he promised.

If the others weren't around, I just might have been that stupid to act upon those wishes in my heart. What did my heart know, anyway? He always left for her, defended her, protected her. All with good reason, but she was capable of handling herself, we all knew this for some time now. Still, it hurt, and still I stayed to this point. Hardly leaving him for more than a few days in my own anger and resenting flees for home. He, after all, always welcomed me back. Maybe not with wide open arms, and maybe he didn't wait for me as so much as coming through the well to my time to come and get me to bring back, but still. None the less, I was accepted and welcomed back into this time with him and the others. And it's things like that, I'm grateful for.

And as these thoughts sunk into my head, Kirara mewed from Sango's lap as Miroku gently sat down before us, laying his staff down beside him; and my resolved was about to be ruined. His eyes were tired. Hues of black and purple lined the bags under his wary eyes and his scalp was sporting several new lumps from Inuyasha's angst.

"Kagome, care to please tell me what is going on between you and Inuyasha?"

"Not really." I smiled vainly, twirling a stray lock of hair around my finger.

"But Kagome, why won't you talk about it? Won't it make you feel better to get it off your chest a little?" Little Shippo asked. I just looked at him with that still phony smile, shaking my head, 'no.'

"He is most upset and won't say nothing more than you're mad at him without letting him explain." He frowned, crossing his arms over his chest. "Mind you, I'm sure this has something to do with the resent development of the change in behavior towards each other, and of other things, Kikyo, but he refused to enlighten me."

"Miroku," I breathed, setting Shippo down on the grass, to his dismay, "it's nothing to-"

"Worry over. I know," he interrupted and closed his eyes in thought. "How ever you see the situation to be, it is doing you both more harm than good. What ever this argument is about, is eating at you both. Locking yourselves away in your own heads, will not only further the drifting from one another, but it very well might destroy you both. You're in love with Inuyasha, and he loves you Kagome."

"Hai, Miroku, I know but-" I tried to desperately to cut in. Why didn't anyone want to leave me alone. Screw Inuyasha. He caused this, and I was paying for it in full. I only wanted to be left in peace to sulk, maybe cry as I usually did, and move on to the next day of this living Hell hole.

"Please listen to me Kagome."he persisted, snapping his eyes open once more in a heated and determined stare. Which turned out to be my breaking point of the conversation.

"No, you all listen to me," I glared angrily pressing myself firmly against the tree behind myself. "He promised me something so much more important than I can even explain."

"Kagome?" Heard Sango gasp, leaning away from me slightly.

I began to growl fiercely. "It's not fair of him," I pointed at said hanyou, "thinking it's okay to act against something that means to much to me after promising me he wouldn't. I know he's promised to protect Kikyo. I know he still misses her, cares about her. Regrets what that witch did to bring her back! But he promised to be with me! He promised he'd find a way for him and I to be together.

How can that happen when he's always running after her every time she's near by, stalking us in these woods?!" I cried out harshly, not intending on shedding actual tears, startling me enough to quiet my rage once more to a mere whisper. "He promised me some thing I hold very sacred in my heart and now he doesn't even care. What am I supposed to think, Miroku? He said he loved me, too.

Maybe he just wanted to spare my feelings until we kill Naraku and make the Jewel whole again. To, to indulge me or, or insure I won't go home for good before it's even completed. Maybe it was all said for his want of the jewel and revenge. I don't know." Sniffling, I looked skywards, admiring the stars that just faintly began poking into the early evening sky. The breeze was cool and the crickets were beginning to draw their legs together to make their music of the evening. "He said he loved me, too."

I bowed my head to face him again and whimpered with a dismal whine.

"And I believed him." I scratched the tears from my eyes miserably.

He must have taken pity on me when I looked to him again. He took a calming breath and spoke gently, as a mother would a child and began to calm my anxiety. "If you need time to think about this, then do so but please do not leave him in the state of mind and body you are in tonight. He's very much in guilt over this whole thing, and I am sure to bet that he wants nothing more than to have your undying love and forgiveness, Kagome. Remember, if it were not for your patience and good of heart, he might not even be the Inuyasha we all know and trust." I nodded. "He really does love you, try not to question him so soon. Why not try to at least settle his nerves a bit?" he suggested with more optimism, gaining a supportive mew from Kirara.

"Inuyasha can be a real idiot sometimes, Kagome," smiled the kitsune, "but we all see how deep his feelings for you are. I don't think he'd do anything to hurt you on purpose. I mean look at him. It's pathetic to see him so down in the dumps."

Sango smiled kindly. "Hai. He wears his heart on his sleeve, though he tries to hide it from everyone. It's love, Kagome, and it can be fragile and it can be strong. He needs you as much as you need him. Miroku is right, this time. You both need to resolve this or it eat at you both to a time where it might not be able to be undone. I'm sure you two can work this out."

I sighed despondently when she touched my shoulder where Shippo had rested. "I don't know. Maybe he is better off with Kikyo."

Miroku huffed. "Then shall we send word Koga that you're 'available' since you don't want Inuyasha anymore?"

"No! I know want to be with Inuyasha but I don't think he really wants to be with me!" I cried.

A faint, "feh." eco-ed up to our ears. "So be it. Let her do what she wants as she's already chosen how everyone else seems to feel about the damned situation."

I noted the sad like plea in his voice and fully took in the aura around him. Saw the usually hot tempered, head strong, proud hanyou sitting in the grass alone. Sullen and miserable. Like I was.

"Kagome?" it was Shippo. "You do love him, don't you? Well, I think that if he didn't love you, that he would be gone away some where else like all the other times he was upset or embarrassed. Inuyasha would probably be in the forest waiting for you to leave for home again because you were angry. That he wouldn't still be sitting there waiting for you to choose him or not. But even when you do leave, he always sits by the well or in a tree over looking it, waiting for you to come back."

"Oi, runt! You stay out of this! Feh. What do you know anyway. Let her go, see if I care!" A sharp stab pierced my heart inflicted but those angry words of his. Until I almost missed his next words, they were so soft spoken. "It's not like she'll ever forgive, or want to see me again, any way."

Yes, they were right, as usual. Good old' Sango, Miroku, Shippo and of course, Kirara. "Thanks guys. I-I think there are some things left unsettled between him and me that needs to be dealt with. Once and for all. This constant hurt is too much, I don't think anyone can take it anymore, and I just want it to be all put behind us so we can move on. I want to be with Inuyasha and I want him to want to be with me. What you've all said... I just hope you're right."

With those last words, I stood solidly on my two feet, dusting stray blades of grass, and patches of dirt from my rear and cautiously edged my steps down the small hill. My heart was crying. I didn't get pleasure from the feeling of knowing Inuyasha was hurting. Even if he was the cause of it, I loved him anyway. Besides, in any situation of the heart, he would normally huff a "feh", and go find a tall tree to brood in. That night, he sat on the ground, quiet, with his attentive ears wilting along with his slouched shoulders.

Eventually, I stood before him. He looked up at me with tired eyes full of regret, hurt, and love. I reached my hands out to him. Towards the half man, half demon whose own hands held my own wounded heart. His waiting for me to ease the pain of his, which he so willingly, (and I so readily accepted), laid in my own hands. Hands of which I kneeled to grasp in my own, squeezing gently, and pulled him up slowly to his feet to stand facing me.

"Inuyasha, can we go for a walk?" I smiled, albeit hesitantly, bit it was genuine and fixed my eyes intently into his eyes. Wanting him to see and feel my words as much as I breathed them to him. "If you're ready to explain what happened, I'm willing to listen to what you have to say, but only if you're ready to listen to me. Okay?"

He nodded softly, staring back into my eyes in an equal gaze, and gradually curled the edges of his lips forming a smile of his own. "Alright," he breathed, drawing in the scent of my shampoo from less than a foot away, "let's go." Squeezing my hands, creeping his fingers to entwine with mine, Inuyasha pulled me a step closer to his warmth as we began to slowly walk our way to find a quiet location by ourselves to mend old doubts that were mixing with the new. Hoping the others were right and my just hoping I wasn't making a mistake to lead to more pain and heart ache.

Maybe some things just didn't always have to be so miserable.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Hey, I'm really sorry about lack of updates. Mother had her gall bladder removed last month, and so I was up spending a couple weeks with her helping around the house 'because she was sore. Then I've been on job hunts, school issues, and other junk of the like. I'm not sure when "Our Life Is A Canvas" is going to be updated, but please hang around a while longer. It will be updated eventually, if it's worth updating, and again I apologize with all my heart.

As always, I thank you for your reviews. =}

-MC '