The Heart Brings You Back
Disclaimers: See Chapter 1
Chapter 13
Previously: Jed and Abbey's confrontation turned ugly, resulting in Jed's collapse
Summary: Abbey remembers the last time she broke Jed's heart. Leo reaches out to Abbey
Abbey looked out the beautiful stained-glass window, her thoughts driving her to tears. She and Jed had been married for nearly forty years. They knew everything about one another -- all their dreams, disappointments, secrets -- everything had been shared. The fact that she had been able to hide her dependency on medication from him was a testament to how good she had become at detaching herself from reality. Now it was all out in the open. He knew what she didn't want him to know: that she wasn't the strong person he always thought she was. In her mind, Jed's image of her was tainted and tarnished.
She thought about packing up her bags and leaving. But one memory kept replaying over and over in her head.
Flashback:
Abbey sat on the cold, wet grass, right next to her daughter's grave. She brushed off the snow and ran her hands over the tombstone, tracing her fingers over the date of her birth. There was so much anger in her, anger that she couldn't express. The wonderful, precious gift that had been given to her 21 years earlier, had been vengefully taken from her and the only people she could justifiably blame were dead as well.
Jed stood behind his wife, empathizing with her anguish. He walked closer to her, placing a hand on the back of her shoulder, signaling his presence and support. Abbey stood up to face him and with tears in her eyes, she uttered one word that bruised his soul.
"Don't."
She was pulling away again and Jed didn't know how much more he could take. All he wanted was to hold her and make her realize that he would give anything to bring Zoey back to her, even if it meant sacrificing his own life.
"It's getting cold out here. Maybe we should get back," he finally said.
"I'm not going back with you. I can't live in that place any longer. I'm going back to New Hampshire."
"Abbey, don't do this."
"Stop. Don't stand there and try to change my mind. I can't be around you, Jed, especially not at the White House. I never want to see that place again as long as I live." She paused to look up at him. "I'm not sure I want to see you right now either," she continued.
The words cut Jed like a knife to his heart. He held back his emotions as he tried to convince her she was making a mistake. "We need to work together right now."
"Stop saying that!" she shouted. "You've been saying that since the day we buried her! Guess what, I don't want to work through it with you. I hate what happened to my baby. I hate what you did to make it happen!"
"Do you hate me?" he asked her, terrified of the answer.
"I don't know," she replied harshly.
When they arrived back at the White House, Abbey packed the bags she planned to take with her and left, without so much as a goodbye. Jed remained upstairs, staring out the window and down at her as her driver opened the door. Just before she sat down, she looked up at him.
When their eyes met, there was a brief moment of regret on Abbey's part. Her heart wanted her to rush back upstairs, grab him and hold him and never let him go, to let him know that she didn't blame him and that she loved him. She knew the answer to the question now -- no, she didn't hate him. How could you hate someone you love so much? But she didn't let her temporary hesitation cloud her anger. Her brain convinced her that leaving was the right thing to do. She got in the car and the driver shut the door. Jed continued to watch as they drove away.
Abbey never got over the look on his face as she looked up at him from the street. While in New Hampshire, she sometimes cried herself to sleep at night, remembering that pained expression. When she came back, she promised herself she would never break his heart again. She knew that no matter what, she had to stay and talk this out with Jed. Yes, she lied to him, yes, she was popping pills and though she was able to convince herself she didn't have a problem, she was willing to listen to Jed and take his feelings into consideration.
But first, she had to deal with someone else. Leo had just entered the room.
"How is he?" she asked.
"He's fine. Superficial cut, just a mild concussion, so you may want to..." he cut himself off. "I'm sorry, you know what to do."
"I'll stay up with him."
"He's asking for you."
"Leo, I don't know what happened before. I..."
"It's okay," he said to her. He slowly walked towards her, hoping she wouldn't turn away. "There's this group that I belong to. We get together every once in a while and talk about things."
"Things?" she asked, staring him in the eyes.
"It's an AA group."
"You're in an AA group? Where?"
"I'll tell you that when you decide that you want to go with me. We try to keep a very low profile."
"Leo, I don't have a drinking problem."
"An addiction is an addiction."
"Even if I had an addiction..."
"You do. Stop lying to yourself," he interjected.
"Even if I did, I don't think AA is the right place for me."
"Because of who you are, it's the only thing available to you right now, that I know of anyway. Unless you want the press beating down your door, it's all I've got. Why don't you take some time to think about it. You don't have to decide now."
He began to leave, but her voice stopped him.
"Leo?" She waited for him to turn to face her. "Why did you give me back the pills?"
"What?"
"When Jed was on the floor. You could have taken the pills, thrown them away. You gave them back. Why?"
"Because the place was crawling with people and the last thing you needed was a reason for them to blame you."
"Do you blame me?"
"No. I don't know how he fell, Abbey, but I know you. And I know that you were having a panic attack and everyone else was about to see it too. A bottle of Valium on the floor...not exactly hard to figure out what's going on. Humiliation won't convince you to stop taking these pills, Abbey, just like Jed couldn't. You have to decide. You need to figure out what's more important to you, the meds or Jed."
Abbey walked closer to him and took one of his hands, holding it gently. "The last year has been hell and I haven't said it, but thank you -- for taking care of him this whole time, and for taking care of me too."
Leo smiled as Abbey followed him out the door, redirecting herself towards her bedroom. It was time to face Jed.
TBC
Disclaimers: See Chapter 1
Chapter 13
Previously: Jed and Abbey's confrontation turned ugly, resulting in Jed's collapse
Summary: Abbey remembers the last time she broke Jed's heart. Leo reaches out to Abbey
Abbey looked out the beautiful stained-glass window, her thoughts driving her to tears. She and Jed had been married for nearly forty years. They knew everything about one another -- all their dreams, disappointments, secrets -- everything had been shared. The fact that she had been able to hide her dependency on medication from him was a testament to how good she had become at detaching herself from reality. Now it was all out in the open. He knew what she didn't want him to know: that she wasn't the strong person he always thought she was. In her mind, Jed's image of her was tainted and tarnished.
She thought about packing up her bags and leaving. But one memory kept replaying over and over in her head.
Flashback:
Abbey sat on the cold, wet grass, right next to her daughter's grave. She brushed off the snow and ran her hands over the tombstone, tracing her fingers over the date of her birth. There was so much anger in her, anger that she couldn't express. The wonderful, precious gift that had been given to her 21 years earlier, had been vengefully taken from her and the only people she could justifiably blame were dead as well.
Jed stood behind his wife, empathizing with her anguish. He walked closer to her, placing a hand on the back of her shoulder, signaling his presence and support. Abbey stood up to face him and with tears in her eyes, she uttered one word that bruised his soul.
"Don't."
She was pulling away again and Jed didn't know how much more he could take. All he wanted was to hold her and make her realize that he would give anything to bring Zoey back to her, even if it meant sacrificing his own life.
"It's getting cold out here. Maybe we should get back," he finally said.
"I'm not going back with you. I can't live in that place any longer. I'm going back to New Hampshire."
"Abbey, don't do this."
"Stop. Don't stand there and try to change my mind. I can't be around you, Jed, especially not at the White House. I never want to see that place again as long as I live." She paused to look up at him. "I'm not sure I want to see you right now either," she continued.
The words cut Jed like a knife to his heart. He held back his emotions as he tried to convince her she was making a mistake. "We need to work together right now."
"Stop saying that!" she shouted. "You've been saying that since the day we buried her! Guess what, I don't want to work through it with you. I hate what happened to my baby. I hate what you did to make it happen!"
"Do you hate me?" he asked her, terrified of the answer.
"I don't know," she replied harshly.
When they arrived back at the White House, Abbey packed the bags she planned to take with her and left, without so much as a goodbye. Jed remained upstairs, staring out the window and down at her as her driver opened the door. Just before she sat down, she looked up at him.
When their eyes met, there was a brief moment of regret on Abbey's part. Her heart wanted her to rush back upstairs, grab him and hold him and never let him go, to let him know that she didn't blame him and that she loved him. She knew the answer to the question now -- no, she didn't hate him. How could you hate someone you love so much? But she didn't let her temporary hesitation cloud her anger. Her brain convinced her that leaving was the right thing to do. She got in the car and the driver shut the door. Jed continued to watch as they drove away.
Abbey never got over the look on his face as she looked up at him from the street. While in New Hampshire, she sometimes cried herself to sleep at night, remembering that pained expression. When she came back, she promised herself she would never break his heart again. She knew that no matter what, she had to stay and talk this out with Jed. Yes, she lied to him, yes, she was popping pills and though she was able to convince herself she didn't have a problem, she was willing to listen to Jed and take his feelings into consideration.
But first, she had to deal with someone else. Leo had just entered the room.
"How is he?" she asked.
"He's fine. Superficial cut, just a mild concussion, so you may want to..." he cut himself off. "I'm sorry, you know what to do."
"I'll stay up with him."
"He's asking for you."
"Leo, I don't know what happened before. I..."
"It's okay," he said to her. He slowly walked towards her, hoping she wouldn't turn away. "There's this group that I belong to. We get together every once in a while and talk about things."
"Things?" she asked, staring him in the eyes.
"It's an AA group."
"You're in an AA group? Where?"
"I'll tell you that when you decide that you want to go with me. We try to keep a very low profile."
"Leo, I don't have a drinking problem."
"An addiction is an addiction."
"Even if I had an addiction..."
"You do. Stop lying to yourself," he interjected.
"Even if I did, I don't think AA is the right place for me."
"Because of who you are, it's the only thing available to you right now, that I know of anyway. Unless you want the press beating down your door, it's all I've got. Why don't you take some time to think about it. You don't have to decide now."
He began to leave, but her voice stopped him.
"Leo?" She waited for him to turn to face her. "Why did you give me back the pills?"
"What?"
"When Jed was on the floor. You could have taken the pills, thrown them away. You gave them back. Why?"
"Because the place was crawling with people and the last thing you needed was a reason for them to blame you."
"Do you blame me?"
"No. I don't know how he fell, Abbey, but I know you. And I know that you were having a panic attack and everyone else was about to see it too. A bottle of Valium on the floor...not exactly hard to figure out what's going on. Humiliation won't convince you to stop taking these pills, Abbey, just like Jed couldn't. You have to decide. You need to figure out what's more important to you, the meds or Jed."
Abbey walked closer to him and took one of his hands, holding it gently. "The last year has been hell and I haven't said it, but thank you -- for taking care of him this whole time, and for taking care of me too."
Leo smiled as Abbey followed him out the door, redirecting herself towards her bedroom. It was time to face Jed.
TBC