Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter I wouldn't have a disclaimer
The Idjut Disease
It was a calm and peaceful Saturday morning, doves twittered, Snape jacked off while secretly watching Goyle shower, and Harry, Hermione, and Ron were swimming in the now Squid-Free lake.
"Hermione, I'm starting to worry about Ron. He's been smoking too much. I saw him trying to inhale a sock this afternoon...with his foot."
Hermione adjusted her wet tank-top and said, "That's right. We should see madame Pomfrey before the day is ov-AUGH! STOP SPLASHING ME!"
Ron got out of the water with armfuls of toads and shells and spit out a jellyfish before saying, "For your information I'm NOT mad. My parents call me Mentally Innefficient."
Harry grabbed Ron's arm and dragged him to the hospital wing.
"Help! Insaniphobiacs!"
----------------------------------In the Hospital Wing----------------------------------
Madame Pomfrey took the latex glove off her hand and said, "Well, Mr. Malfoy. The reason girls don't like you is because of a medical condition I call 'Fugly.'"
Draco hitched up his pants and said, "But I have a big dick!"
Pomfrey patted him on the back and said, "Suuuuure you do, dear. Suuuuuure you do."
"I need some firewhiskey..."
"That isn't going to help, Baby Dick."
Ron was dragged in front of Madame Pomfrey and Harry said, "Ron's an idiot. Find out why!"
She said, "Drugs, booze, and excessive sexual activity...YES i saw you with Ms. Brown in my office!"
Hermione slapped Ron upside the head and said, "WHAT?!"
"Well, the pillows were so soft and Lavender had a kinky nurse's outfit"
"WE DON'T HAVE NURSES AT HOGWARTS!!", bellowed Pomfrey.
"Oh, then it was her personal collection."
Pomfrey just said, "Okay, I'll run some tests. It is a Saturday after all. Just strip down and step behind that curtain, please."
"Why?", said Ron.
"You always have to strip down now, its procedure in a hospital. Oh, and since we don't have any nurses here I might need your help, Hermione."
Hermione said, "Why me?"
"Because if Harry did it, it'd be uncomfortable for him. Besides, your Ron's friend."
Harry left and said, "Don't touch Ron's balls too much, Hermione."
------------------------After a few seconds-----------------------
Pomfrey stepped around the screen with Hermione behind, sitting on a stool.
"Okay, Ron. Relax, I'm just going to poke around your balls a little bit."
After a few minutes of un-pleasuring fondeling, with laytex gloves, she said, "Well your bits and noodle are fine. But I felt something strange around the base of the dick and up to the scrotum. Could be a displaced vein that could lead to loss of blood, which would lead to light-headedness, which leads to dumbass-ness. Hermione, you're seventeen, give it a feel."
Hermione cracked her knuckles and pulled off her gloves, "They feel too funny."
She rubbed some lotion on her hands and felt her hands up and down Ron's dick. Ron never knew how GOOD Hermione was. Not only that, but to add to this accidental ecstasy, hr tank top had slipped a little and her nips were showing. His dick gave a natural jut out.
"Oh, my.", said Hermione as the dick started growing, "Just relax, Ron."
He thought, "This can't be so bad, I let Lavender do this...but she wasn't so...so..."
And she continued slowly rubbing Ron's dick up and down, but suddenly felt a little thing move in the vein, so she started jerking it harder to see if she could find it.
Ron was sweating profusely thinking, "Cold showers, dementors, cold showers, dementors..."
"Strange, there's something in here, Madame Pomfrey."
Pomfrey stepped down and felt it with the back of her hand, "Hmmm...it was good we had this physical. Alsworthorns!"
And a little clump of grass seeds melted out of Ron's shaft.
"How did grass seeds get in there?", asked Pomfrey.
Ron started shoving his grass pipe further into the pocket of his pants that were lying on a chair,
"No idea..."
"Well, Hermione, looks like this grass has found its way into his sperm supply. So, Ron, jack off and leave a sample on this tray."
Pomfrey tapped on a small metal tray and went off.
"I'm supposed to jack off, NOW?!", said Ron.
Hermione shrugged and sat on the other side of the curtain, her body perfectly silhoutted by the sunlight on the other side of the room.
Ron asked to Hermione, "Hermione, do you mind helping me? I'm not really comfortable with jacking off in a hospital."
She heaved a discouraged sigh and said, "How?"
"I dunno' something!"
She stepped around and lifted her top a little bit, showing her breasts, "This?"
Ron started jacking off faster than ever. However, he noticed that Hermione was blushing and her eyes were quivering behind her glasses.
He shot off onto the tray and zipped up his pants, "Well...thanks.", he stretched out a hand but she didn't shake it.
------------------------------In the Gryffindor Common Room--------------------------------
Ron was in a corner, staring out the window while Hermione and Harry were throwing exploding wizard crackers into the fireplace.
"So, how did the hand-job session go?", asked Harry.
Hermione shoved him ff the couch and said, "Meh, he wasn't as big as you."
Ron stepped up and said, "I'm WAY bigger than..."
For the first time in a long time, Harry gave a what-the-hell look, while Hermione gave a I-know-wink-wink look.
"By the way, did you hear that I'm making a sattire show?", said Ron to take the heat off the subject.
"WHAT?!", both of them said.
"Yeah, I got the idea while I was coughing out dandelions.", and he jumped onto the couch next to Harry.
"Can I be in it?", asked Harry.
"Me too!", said Hermione.
"Me thwee!", said a muffled voice under the couch.
Harry dragged a dust-covered Colin Creevey from under the couch, and was greeted by a blinding flash.
"Hello, Harry! Can I root through your trash?"
"NO! And what are you doing under a sofa?", said Hermione.
"Well, I was smelling Ginny's underwear..."
"IKILLYOU!!!", screamed Ron as he grabbed his wand.
Harry expeliarmus'd him and asked, "How does that get you under a sofa?"
"Afterwards, I was jacking off, then I heard you three coming in, so I ducked underneath the so-"
Colin couldn't finish what he was saying because Ron punched him square in the jaw.
"NOBODY sniffs my sister's undies! GGGYYYYAAAAAHHHHH!!!"
Colin was being skewered into a banner when Hermione said, "I want to make a documentary."
Ron unplugged the spear out of Colin's stomach and said, "Huh?"
"You know, like Michael Moore.", said Harry.
"Who?", said Ron, "Honestly, do you think I listen to muggle stuff?"
Ron took a look at his watch and said, "Oh, shit! I'm supposed to be on set! Tune into the fire place to watch it."
And he took off down a hallway, tripped and fell down, got up, and started running down again.
"What does he mean by tune into your firepl-"
The fireplace blew up into a green flame and a voice said, "And live from Hogwarts, its Wednesday Night!"
A/N: Review review, cluck, cluck, spew, spew, fu-Just review.
The Idjut Disease
It was a calm and peaceful Saturday morning, doves twittered, Snape jacked off while secretly watching Goyle shower, and Harry, Hermione, and Ron were swimming in the now Squid-Free lake.
"Hermione, I'm starting to worry about Ron. He's been smoking too much. I saw him trying to inhale a sock this afternoon...with his foot."
Hermione adjusted her wet tank-top and said, "That's right. We should see madame Pomfrey before the day is ov-AUGH! STOP SPLASHING ME!"
Ron got out of the water with armfuls of toads and shells and spit out a jellyfish before saying, "For your information I'm NOT mad. My parents call me Mentally Innefficient."
Harry grabbed Ron's arm and dragged him to the hospital wing.
"Help! Insaniphobiacs!"
----------------------------------In the Hospital Wing----------------------------------
Madame Pomfrey took the latex glove off her hand and said, "Well, Mr. Malfoy. The reason girls don't like you is because of a medical condition I call 'Fugly.'"
Draco hitched up his pants and said, "But I have a big dick!"
Pomfrey patted him on the back and said, "Suuuuure you do, dear. Suuuuuure you do."
"I need some firewhiskey..."
"That isn't going to help, Baby Dick."
Ron was dragged in front of Madame Pomfrey and Harry said, "Ron's an idiot. Find out why!"
She said, "Drugs, booze, and excessive sexual activity...YES i saw you with Ms. Brown in my office!"
Hermione slapped Ron upside the head and said, "WHAT?!"
"Well, the pillows were so soft and Lavender had a kinky nurse's outfit"
"WE DON'T HAVE NURSES AT HOGWARTS!!", bellowed Pomfrey.
"Oh, then it was her personal collection."
Pomfrey just said, "Okay, I'll run some tests. It is a Saturday after all. Just strip down and step behind that curtain, please."
"Why?", said Ron.
"You always have to strip down now, its procedure in a hospital. Oh, and since we don't have any nurses here I might need your help, Hermione."
Hermione said, "Why me?"
"Because if Harry did it, it'd be uncomfortable for him. Besides, your Ron's friend."
Harry left and said, "Don't touch Ron's balls too much, Hermione."
------------------------After a few seconds-----------------------
Pomfrey stepped around the screen with Hermione behind, sitting on a stool.
"Okay, Ron. Relax, I'm just going to poke around your balls a little bit."
After a few minutes of un-pleasuring fondeling, with laytex gloves, she said, "Well your bits and noodle are fine. But I felt something strange around the base of the dick and up to the scrotum. Could be a displaced vein that could lead to loss of blood, which would lead to light-headedness, which leads to dumbass-ness. Hermione, you're seventeen, give it a feel."
Hermione cracked her knuckles and pulled off her gloves, "They feel too funny."
She rubbed some lotion on her hands and felt her hands up and down Ron's dick. Ron never knew how GOOD Hermione was. Not only that, but to add to this accidental ecstasy, hr tank top had slipped a little and her nips were showing. His dick gave a natural jut out.
"Oh, my.", said Hermione as the dick started growing, "Just relax, Ron."
He thought, "This can't be so bad, I let Lavender do this...but she wasn't so...so..."
And she continued slowly rubbing Ron's dick up and down, but suddenly felt a little thing move in the vein, so she started jerking it harder to see if she could find it.
Ron was sweating profusely thinking, "Cold showers, dementors, cold showers, dementors..."
"Strange, there's something in here, Madame Pomfrey."
Pomfrey stepped down and felt it with the back of her hand, "Hmmm...it was good we had this physical. Alsworthorns!"
And a little clump of grass seeds melted out of Ron's shaft.
"How did grass seeds get in there?", asked Pomfrey.
Ron started shoving his grass pipe further into the pocket of his pants that were lying on a chair,
"No idea..."
"Well, Hermione, looks like this grass has found its way into his sperm supply. So, Ron, jack off and leave a sample on this tray."
Pomfrey tapped on a small metal tray and went off.
"I'm supposed to jack off, NOW?!", said Ron.
Hermione shrugged and sat on the other side of the curtain, her body perfectly silhoutted by the sunlight on the other side of the room.
Ron asked to Hermione, "Hermione, do you mind helping me? I'm not really comfortable with jacking off in a hospital."
She heaved a discouraged sigh and said, "How?"
"I dunno' something!"
She stepped around and lifted her top a little bit, showing her breasts, "This?"
Ron started jacking off faster than ever. However, he noticed that Hermione was blushing and her eyes were quivering behind her glasses.
He shot off onto the tray and zipped up his pants, "Well...thanks.", he stretched out a hand but she didn't shake it.
------------------------------In the Gryffindor Common Room--------------------------------
Ron was in a corner, staring out the window while Hermione and Harry were throwing exploding wizard crackers into the fireplace.
"So, how did the hand-job session go?", asked Harry.
Hermione shoved him ff the couch and said, "Meh, he wasn't as big as you."
Ron stepped up and said, "I'm WAY bigger than..."
For the first time in a long time, Harry gave a what-the-hell look, while Hermione gave a I-know-wink-wink look.
"By the way, did you hear that I'm making a sattire show?", said Ron to take the heat off the subject.
"WHAT?!", both of them said.
"Yeah, I got the idea while I was coughing out dandelions.", and he jumped onto the couch next to Harry.
"Can I be in it?", asked Harry.
"Me too!", said Hermione.
"Me thwee!", said a muffled voice under the couch.
Harry dragged a dust-covered Colin Creevey from under the couch, and was greeted by a blinding flash.
"Hello, Harry! Can I root through your trash?"
"NO! And what are you doing under a sofa?", said Hermione.
"Well, I was smelling Ginny's underwear..."
"IKILLYOU!!!", screamed Ron as he grabbed his wand.
Harry expeliarmus'd him and asked, "How does that get you under a sofa?"
"Afterwards, I was jacking off, then I heard you three coming in, so I ducked underneath the so-"
Colin couldn't finish what he was saying because Ron punched him square in the jaw.
"NOBODY sniffs my sister's undies! GGGYYYYAAAAAHHHHH!!!"
Colin was being skewered into a banner when Hermione said, "I want to make a documentary."
Ron unplugged the spear out of Colin's stomach and said, "Huh?"
"You know, like Michael Moore.", said Harry.
"Who?", said Ron, "Honestly, do you think I listen to muggle stuff?"
Ron took a look at his watch and said, "Oh, shit! I'm supposed to be on set! Tune into the fire place to watch it."
And he took off down a hallway, tripped and fell down, got up, and started running down again.
"What does he mean by tune into your firepl-"
The fireplace blew up into a green flame and a voice said, "And live from Hogwarts, its Wednesday Night!"
A/N: Review review, cluck, cluck, spew, spew, fu-Just review.