Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter I would have enough money to buy Emma Watson for...housekeeping. Oh, and I Don't own Saturday Night Live...even though I don't use it at all, but do copy off of it a lot in this story.
HNL
Ron was putting on black robes backstage, while the Cornelius Fudge skit was going on, and Ron had no idea that Hermione and Harry had made their way into the packed Great Hall. ---------Cornelius Fudge Skit-----------------
Seamus is playing Fudge and sitting at a wooden desk in what appears his office, and said, "I know this is a troubled time. People are dying and my latest subscription to jugs has been canceled. But I'm sure to find the source of the problems soon."
He drinks some scotch out of a bottle and says, "I have JUST found out Harry Potter is the evildoer right now, and will launch a full-scale attack on Iraq."
He signals to end the conference and says to Percy (Played by Ron ;), "Whew! Bastards eat up everything I say! Where's my pot?"
Percy says, "Can I PLEASE kiss your feet? Wash your hair with perfume? Suck your di-"
"No, no, not today. What else is on my itinerary?"
"Ummmm...your to be interviewed by the Quibbler, Daily Prophet, and Witch Weekly."
Fudge is mindlessly picking his nose with his wand and says, "Huh?"
"I'd like to go over a few questions."
"Shoot, I know all, see all, and when my next law is passsed, OWN all."
"Good, so, how do you know Harry Potter is the one behind all this?"
Fudge has a blank expression and says, "Tarot?"
"(Sigh) Corny, you have to know how to answer these!"
"No I don't, I'll BS everything! Give me another one."
"Did you REALLY have intercourse with one Cho Chang, a new intern?"
Fudge had his eyes rolled up in his head and said, "No, but I DID screw the daylights out of her."
Percy hit Fudge on the head with a clipboard and said, "BITCH! You said you loved me!"
Then Percy bit his finger and started crying.
"Oh, honeym I know I haven't been talking to you, and-"
Percy just got up and said, "I'm going to the conference instead!"
"Fine"
-------------------Conference----------------------
"I was raped by Cornelius Fudge today!", said Percy to three reporters.
"No I didn't! It was consensual!"
"It was not! And he's a member of the KKK, too!"
A black reporter from the quibbler said, "You, gonna' die now, mutha' fuc-"
A white screen draped around and read: This has been the news conference, we now return you to your regularly scheduled sattire.
-------------------Backstage-------------------------
Ron was greeted by Harry and Hermione, "Thanks, guys! Woo! That was fun!"
Ginny came in wearing a newscaster outfit saying, "Ron, Lee is sick! We need another person for the Midweek Prophet!"
"SHOIT! These are the moments I wish I still smoked grasss and dandelions. Harry, do you mind?"
He was just stunned and said, "HUH?! I never even rehearsed or read any lines!"
Ron just pushed him into Ginny's arms and said, "It's easy, just read from the magiprompter and you'll be fine. Ginny, teach Harry the basics and stuff."
Harry screamed, "RON! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!!"
Ron took a swig of firewhiskey and said, "Right, right."
--------------------Midweek Prophet-----------------------
Live from the Great Hall, its Midweek Update. With your anchors Ginny Weasly, and special for tonight, Harry Potter."
A cheer went out when they heard Harry was going to be on the show.
"Hello, and here are tonight's top stories", said Ginny as she turned to the audience, "Today in Transylvania, an aged Vampire fell into a latrine. Also in that day, Cornelius Fudge had used a restroom in that area, making it the closest time in which nayone ever took in Fudge's shit."
Harry was sweating profusely and read from the prompter, "T-today in London, the first annual Wand festival was heald. This w-would be the most wands passed around in London since every other day before it."
"The olympics have just begun, and already one athlete has been found to have been using drugs to help him in competition. The attempt would have helped him, if the drugs weren't cocaine and oxycontin."
"An American man was found kissing a rock in Russia, today, to find something like that in England, you would have to travel ALL the way to Snape's office."
Ginny said, "Well, Hogwarts has just changed locations for the first time in history, and to tell us more about this is Albus Dumbledore himself."
Ron came in dressed as Dumbledore and sat down between Ginny and Harry and said, "Ah, hello, young students."
"Hello, (smirk) Dumbledore", said Harry.
"Yes, yes. I no it is frustratin to be in a new school, but rest assured, you should know everything is okay.", said Ron/Dumbledore with an excesively wheezed voice.
"What about the complaints by the new owners?", asked Ginny.
"Oh, Phorpus? Well screw him."
"What, sir?"
"Look, I know y'all be inz ma' bidness, but I don't give a scabber's ass about the new owners."
"But they could take away the school, leaving thousands of students without school."
R/D took a jump back and said, "REALLY! Oh SHIT! I have to deconstruct some traps and pranks, please excuse me."
And he ran off backstage.
"Well, it seems our interview with professor Dumbledore has been cut short. This has been midweek update, good night."
---------------------------Common Room----------------------------
Everybody was cheering the cast of HNL and a huge party was underway. "Good job, Harry! You mind being the permanent anchor, now?", asked Ron.
"Huh? What about Lee?"
"Ah, he even said he didn't want the job, but everyone else didn't want to either. So, what do you say?"
"Sure, I guess!"
The whole common room exploded with cheers, and a soft hand grabbed Harry's hand and pulled him into the crowd. Hermione looked around to talk to Harry but was greeted with cheering fans. She was worried.
"RON! OY!", yelled Seamus as he threw a bottle of Icebourbon to him from upstairs.
Lavender Brown and Parvarti Patil were working down into Ron's pants, and a cople people saw this and got the idea, and soon a HUGE orgy was in progress. Luckily, Hermione had gotten a chance to lock herself in the girl's dormitory to not let girls soil the beds. Booze was flowing, Luna Lovegood and Cho Chang were smoking Alawestar weed on top of a table, and McGonagall was fuming as she saw Ron being fuc-MCGONAGALL!
"What is the meaning of this?!!!!?", she yelled as Ron suddenly got up.
"Professor, this sin't what it looks like!", then he took a look at all the booze-covered naked bodies and said, "Okay, so maybe it is a LITTLE bit what it looks like."
"Put on your clothes and follow me! I'll decided a nice punishment for all of you!"
A/N: Review, review, yak, yak. Oh, and the next chapter is going to be pretty hot.
HNL
Ron was putting on black robes backstage, while the Cornelius Fudge skit was going on, and Ron had no idea that Hermione and Harry had made their way into the packed Great Hall. ---------Cornelius Fudge Skit-----------------
Seamus is playing Fudge and sitting at a wooden desk in what appears his office, and said, "I know this is a troubled time. People are dying and my latest subscription to jugs has been canceled. But I'm sure to find the source of the problems soon."
He drinks some scotch out of a bottle and says, "I have JUST found out Harry Potter is the evildoer right now, and will launch a full-scale attack on Iraq."
He signals to end the conference and says to Percy (Played by Ron ;), "Whew! Bastards eat up everything I say! Where's my pot?"
Percy says, "Can I PLEASE kiss your feet? Wash your hair with perfume? Suck your di-"
"No, no, not today. What else is on my itinerary?"
"Ummmm...your to be interviewed by the Quibbler, Daily Prophet, and Witch Weekly."
Fudge is mindlessly picking his nose with his wand and says, "Huh?"
"I'd like to go over a few questions."
"Shoot, I know all, see all, and when my next law is passsed, OWN all."
"Good, so, how do you know Harry Potter is the one behind all this?"
Fudge has a blank expression and says, "Tarot?"
"(Sigh) Corny, you have to know how to answer these!"
"No I don't, I'll BS everything! Give me another one."
"Did you REALLY have intercourse with one Cho Chang, a new intern?"
Fudge had his eyes rolled up in his head and said, "No, but I DID screw the daylights out of her."
Percy hit Fudge on the head with a clipboard and said, "BITCH! You said you loved me!"
Then Percy bit his finger and started crying.
"Oh, honeym I know I haven't been talking to you, and-"
Percy just got up and said, "I'm going to the conference instead!"
"Fine"
-------------------Conference----------------------
"I was raped by Cornelius Fudge today!", said Percy to three reporters.
"No I didn't! It was consensual!"
"It was not! And he's a member of the KKK, too!"
A black reporter from the quibbler said, "You, gonna' die now, mutha' fuc-"
A white screen draped around and read: This has been the news conference, we now return you to your regularly scheduled sattire.
-------------------Backstage-------------------------
Ron was greeted by Harry and Hermione, "Thanks, guys! Woo! That was fun!"
Ginny came in wearing a newscaster outfit saying, "Ron, Lee is sick! We need another person for the Midweek Prophet!"
"SHOIT! These are the moments I wish I still smoked grasss and dandelions. Harry, do you mind?"
He was just stunned and said, "HUH?! I never even rehearsed or read any lines!"
Ron just pushed him into Ginny's arms and said, "It's easy, just read from the magiprompter and you'll be fine. Ginny, teach Harry the basics and stuff."
Harry screamed, "RON! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!!"
Ron took a swig of firewhiskey and said, "Right, right."
--------------------Midweek Prophet-----------------------
Live from the Great Hall, its Midweek Update. With your anchors Ginny Weasly, and special for tonight, Harry Potter."
A cheer went out when they heard Harry was going to be on the show.
"Hello, and here are tonight's top stories", said Ginny as she turned to the audience, "Today in Transylvania, an aged Vampire fell into a latrine. Also in that day, Cornelius Fudge had used a restroom in that area, making it the closest time in which nayone ever took in Fudge's shit."
Harry was sweating profusely and read from the prompter, "T-today in London, the first annual Wand festival was heald. This w-would be the most wands passed around in London since every other day before it."
"The olympics have just begun, and already one athlete has been found to have been using drugs to help him in competition. The attempt would have helped him, if the drugs weren't cocaine and oxycontin."
"An American man was found kissing a rock in Russia, today, to find something like that in England, you would have to travel ALL the way to Snape's office."
Ginny said, "Well, Hogwarts has just changed locations for the first time in history, and to tell us more about this is Albus Dumbledore himself."
Ron came in dressed as Dumbledore and sat down between Ginny and Harry and said, "Ah, hello, young students."
"Hello, (smirk) Dumbledore", said Harry.
"Yes, yes. I no it is frustratin to be in a new school, but rest assured, you should know everything is okay.", said Ron/Dumbledore with an excesively wheezed voice.
"What about the complaints by the new owners?", asked Ginny.
"Oh, Phorpus? Well screw him."
"What, sir?"
"Look, I know y'all be inz ma' bidness, but I don't give a scabber's ass about the new owners."
"But they could take away the school, leaving thousands of students without school."
R/D took a jump back and said, "REALLY! Oh SHIT! I have to deconstruct some traps and pranks, please excuse me."
And he ran off backstage.
"Well, it seems our interview with professor Dumbledore has been cut short. This has been midweek update, good night."
---------------------------Common Room----------------------------
Everybody was cheering the cast of HNL and a huge party was underway. "Good job, Harry! You mind being the permanent anchor, now?", asked Ron.
"Huh? What about Lee?"
"Ah, he even said he didn't want the job, but everyone else didn't want to either. So, what do you say?"
"Sure, I guess!"
The whole common room exploded with cheers, and a soft hand grabbed Harry's hand and pulled him into the crowd. Hermione looked around to talk to Harry but was greeted with cheering fans. She was worried.
"RON! OY!", yelled Seamus as he threw a bottle of Icebourbon to him from upstairs.
Lavender Brown and Parvarti Patil were working down into Ron's pants, and a cople people saw this and got the idea, and soon a HUGE orgy was in progress. Luckily, Hermione had gotten a chance to lock herself in the girl's dormitory to not let girls soil the beds. Booze was flowing, Luna Lovegood and Cho Chang were smoking Alawestar weed on top of a table, and McGonagall was fuming as she saw Ron being fuc-MCGONAGALL!
"What is the meaning of this?!!!!?", she yelled as Ron suddenly got up.
"Professor, this sin't what it looks like!", then he took a look at all the booze-covered naked bodies and said, "Okay, so maybe it is a LITTLE bit what it looks like."
"Put on your clothes and follow me! I'll decided a nice punishment for all of you!"
A/N: Review, review, yak, yak. Oh, and the next chapter is going to be pretty hot.