A/N: Hmm, I didn't put an author's note for the first chapter…oh well. In case you hadn't noticed, this an AU story, so everyone's pretty much human. And normal. PRETTY much. Hehe. Thank you random reviewers!!!! YAY! I got reviews! So happy. Please enjoy the show!

Disclaimer: Do I own YYH? Alas, I do not. And so, I mourn.

"Stop doing that," Koenma hissed to Botan.

"I'm sorry," the cerulean-haired girl protested, "But this skirt is so freaking short!" She gave the black skirt another tug, then started pulling the leggings up a little further.

Koenma just rolled his eyes in annoyance. "I told you this was going to suck." He plucked at his ebony jacket morosely. "This uniform makes me feel like an extra in 'The Matrix'."

Botan crossed her arms. "Yeah, well I look like a gothic sailor, so stop complaining."

Koenma stared bleakly at the school when they arrived. "I do not want to do this."

Botan grinned. "Ah, relax! It's not like we're starting here yet. It's Sunday. This is just the tour!"

The brunette glared at her. "I swear you're on Prozac." Botan's smile faded.

"Can it, Neo."

"I think they could use some renovation," Yusuke commented, staring at the rusty railing as the stairs practically cracked beneath them. The outside walls were missing chunks of stone, the grass was wilted, and the sparse trees looked as though they'd died years ago and been left forgotten. "I mean, this kind of thing can't be legal," he added as the front entrance door opened with a painful screech.

The inside of the building wasn't much better. The paint was cracked and peeling off the walls, its color long faded into a nondescript gray. The linoleum was scattered in bits and pieces on the ground, which was now showing the concrete floor beneath. Drinking fountains looked to be long out of order, and the lights shed a sickly yellow tint on the hallway, every third one flickering on and off occasionally.

Keiko made a face. "Man, and I thought our school had bad maintenance."

"It does," Kuwabara pointed out. "Our teachers are in league with Satan."

Keiko grimaced. "Touché."

"Down at the workshop, all the elves were making toys
"For the good Gentile girls, and the good Gentile boys
"Boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
"Had a rifle in his hand, and cheap whisky on his breath
"From his beard to his boots, he was covered with ammo
"Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
"And he smiled as he said, with a twinkle in his eye
"'Merry Christmas to all, now you're all gonna die--'"

"YOUKO!!!!" Genbu finally screamed.

The mercury-haired boy looked up placidly. "Yes?"

"What do you think you're doing?"

Youko shrugged. "Getting into the Christmas spirit?"

"And what does CARNAGE have to do with the Christmas spirit?"

"I dunno, ask Weird Al Yankovic. Heh, that's a great song though. It's all about Santa going crazy and slaughtering everyone. He gets Blitzen with a flamethrower and--"

"That's ok, I think I get it. Just…be quiet, okay? The principal needs to talk to a few students in the next room and I won't have you disturbing the peace."

"Ah, so I'm not the only one in this accursed prison today, huh? Eh, good luck to those guys. Man, even I wouldn't want to deal with Raizen on a Sunday."

Principal Raizen peered over the profile papers at the five nervous teenagers standing before him. So, these were the crème de la crème of Reikai and Sarayashiki. They didn't look like much. He looked them over once more just to be sure.

On the far left was a tall brunette boy with amber brown eyes. His hair was mid-length for a boy and held back from his face by a black bandana. He had the arrogant air of one who is talented and has been pampered all his life. His burnt golden eyes darted nervously around the room as he waited, but he stood still.

Next to the boy was a girl, tall in her own respect but not as tall as the boy. She had violet eyes and cerulean hair that was drawn up into a high ponytail with a black bow. Her smile was happy and bright, but a little on the vague side. Intelligent or not, Raizen thought she had the look of an airhead.

Third in line was an orange-haired boy, the tallest of the lot. His hair wasn't so much curly as frizzy, and he had small beady black eyes. His face was plain but honest, but he also looked like a bit of an idiot. Hardly top notch. What had Sarayashiki been thinking? Perhaps he was a delinquent. Sarayashiki had a tendency of dumping those on Makai rather than the best and brightest.

After the boy was another girl, the shortest one there. She had the appearance of the kind of top-notch student that was supposed to be participating in this 'event'. She had shoulder-length brown hair and sharp brown eyes. Her smile was soft but confident. She looked like a girl that could handle herself.

The final person was a black-haired boy. Whether or not the tall one was a delinquent Raizen wasn't sure, but this boy definitely was. His hair was slicked back with hair gel in the typical street smart way, and his brown eyes gleamed with a certain sly nonchalance that Raizen was all too good at recognizing by now. He had a reckless grin, and somehow Raizen couldn't help feeling he'd seen the boy somewhere before.

"So," he said finally, his voice gruff and devoid of emotion. "You must be our five transfer students. Fine then." He shuffled through the profiles and began role call in reverse order.

"Yukimura Keiko?" The brunette girl raised her hand.

"Urameshi Yusuke?" The delinquent.

"Kuwabara Kazuma?" The carrot-top.

"Daiou Koenma?" The spoiled kid.

"Anshi Botan?" And the airhead.

"Welcome to Makai High School. You'll be staying here for the duration of your freshman year, starting December 1st, which is Monday, and ending June 1st. I hope you enjoy this educational and social experience." He'd given this speech so many times. Naturally, it was complete bull. This event these days always ended in disaster. Either the transfers wimped out within the first few weeks, or they went home to their families as bandits and thieves. It always turned out the same way. Raizen could almost find it in his heart to pity these kids. Almost. "Today you were supposed to be getting your schedules and a tour of the school. Unfortunately, the person in charge of those affairs is absent today, so I'm afraid you'll just have to find your own way through the school--"

"Fear not, I can take them!" a loud, cheerful voice came from behind the door to the Assistant Principal's office. The five teens all jumped, but Raizen just gave an exasperated sigh. The door opened and out popped a boy's head. He had bright, quick-witted golden eyes, and long silver hair that went to mid-back and was currently falling all over his handsome face. He looked a few years older than the new students, and there was a perpetually mocking smirk playing on his lips.

"YOUKO!!!!" screamed Assistant Principal Genbu in frustration. His head also popped out the door. He was nervously running his fingers through the remaining straggles of his gray hair. "Sir, I'm so sorry--"

Raizen just waved a hand vaguely. "No, it might be better if he does this after all." He turned his severe, dark eyes toward Youko. "Think of it as community service. I believe you can handle this, can't you, Minamino?"

The playfulness temporarily faded from Youko's dancing eyes. "But of course, sir. Trust me, I know this school inside and out." He turned to the silent group and the mischief immediately returned. "I'll be the best tour guide EVER!" he announced with a child-like pride.

Raizen just rolled his eyes at the incorrigible boy and looked pointedly over at Genbu, who vanished back into his office. Youko obligingly ushered the five out of the room.

"Okay," Youko announced, rubbing his hands together. "Now that I've been freed from that ever so lovely terrestrial HELL, I think we should get to know each other." He looked around at everyone's blank stares and raised an eyebrow. "I'm not crazy, really. Actually, I'm just trying to prolong my time away from Genbu the Stoned. But hey, if none of you plan on saying anything, I guess I'll start. My name is Minamino Youko. I'm seventeen and I've gone to this accursed high school for three years. Let's see…I'm a junior, and no, before you ask I'm not a hippie, I just like long hair. Blah, blah, blah, I'm apparently doomed to end up in jail by the time I'm twenty, and according to the Assistant Principal I'm a vandal, a thief, and a pathological liar. Any questions?"

The boy with the jet-black hair grinned and raised a hand. "Fellow JDs unite," he said cheerfully. "Urameshi Yusuke, fifteen years old. Toughest punk at Sarayashiki High. Obviously I'm a freshman. I enjoy fistfights and video games and I don't take crap from anyone. I skip school constantly cause it's THE most boring thing on the face of the earth. I hate my old teacher, Iwamoto, with a passion, but only because he quite literally had it in for me. Sarayashiki only shoved me here cause they wanted to get rid of me. Thank you, and good night."

The boy with orange hair rose to Yusuke's challenge. "Name's Kuwabara Kazuma, and I'm the OTHER toughest punk at Sarayashiki. I'm fifteen and you better not mess with me, or you'll be sorry! I like fistfights too and I can't stand it when people pick on people weaker than themselves. Unlike Urameshi I GO to school, but I hate my old teacher Akashi 'cause he was always trying to get my friends and me kicked out. In fact, that's probably why I ended up here."

The brunette girl spoke up next. "I'm Yukimura Keiko, I'm fifteen, and I'm stuck dealing with THOSE two idiots all the time. I'm the only one of the three of us who's here for the reason we're supposed to be. I like reading and volleyball. I NEVER miss school and usually I end up dragging Yusuke out of trouble. None of the teachers had it in for me because I was a good student, but I have to say that Iwamoto was a complete jerk. In fact, there was only really one good teacher there. But anyway, I, um, it's nice to meet you."

The blue-haired girl's face lit up in a cheerful smile. "Hiya! I'm Anshi Botan and I'm pretty sure that we're all fifteen years old! Well, actually, yeah, we are. I am and I know for a fact that Koenma here is too. I went to Reikai High School and I was one of the top students there. My favorite sport is baseball and I enjoy writing. Most people used to think that I was an airhead, so it's great that I get to start with a clean slate here! I'm always an optimist and I think things here are gonna be fun!"

The final boy shook his head at Botan's enthusiastic approach. "Daiou Koenma. I went to Reikai High School and frankly I really don't want to be here. No offense or anything. Uh…I don't like sports and even at Reikai I had a reputation for being a 'rich boy', which kind of sucked. So, I guess I'm glad to be here because of the clean slate bit like Botan. And…and…well, pretty much I just want to get out of this ordeal alive. And that's it."

Youko leisurely checked his watch. "Well then. Now that we're all buddy-buddy, let's get this tour on the road! Got any questions, just ask."

Youko walked confidently ahead, with the five freshmen trailing behind him. "On your left, you can see our wonderful water fountains. Vintage '36, if you were wondering. Found next to the water fountains are usually the bathrooms. But fear not: one in four toilets actually DO WORK. Don't know if I can say the same about the sinks. And if you're worried about the soap, there's plenty of scum in the corners of the mirrors for you to use. Unless that's just mold. Which is also VERY possible."

He continued on down the hall. "Okay, and on the right here is the infamous room 313: home of the scariest teacher in this world OR the next. Her name is Genkai and she's a freshman teacher, along with being Ancient Psycho Bitch from Hell. She's older than dirt, meaner than Satan, and with luck, probably your teacher this year. So happy hunting.

Yada, yada, yada, all these are sophomore rooms… Ah. Down the hall over there is the art room, where freaky Gama teaches. We think he's channeling Van Gogh. Not missing an ear yet, though. As for the students in his class…well…painting's frightening, drawing is manic, and sculpting…ooh, you do NOT want to go there. Heh, don't know what they were thinking letting the man in a room with so many chemicals and sharp objects.

"Waaaay at the end of the hallway there is the gymnasium. For the boys, there lies Toguro, high-techy meanie of Makai. I believe we are the only school where the gym teacher openly takes steroids. If the Hulk weren't green, he'd look like Toguro. Prepare for bodybuilding and fighting. That's pretty much the extent of your activity there. And don't take any pills or so-called 'energy drinks' that he might offer you. In the past we've had scores of people who promptly became buff and addicted.

"If you're a girl, prepare for an equally strenuous workout, courtesy of Rei, who is, coincidently, both Toguro's wife and Genkai's daughter. So, double-trouble. Bad combination, believe me. It's a good thing she's the girls' teacher though. She's a real looker and she would crush any guy in .5 seconds. In more ways than one. Seriously. Perverts stay clear. We've had broken bones, people. She's also scary-obsessive, so I think the girls might need a little more luck than the guys.

"Now, if you'll walk a little more ways, thanks, please keep up. Ah, here we go. Our wonderful cafeteria. The only place on Earth where the food is older than the guy who serves it! The cafeteria dude is also named Toguro. He's the gym teacher's older brother. Waaaay older brother. He's old and, uh, gray. Emphasis on the gray. The food is also gray. We're not really sure what it is, but if it's anything short of green or purple it PROBABLY won't give you anything worse than a week of chronic stomachaches. Oh, by the way, quick fact: the Toguro brothers are escapees from the circus. Younger Toguro used to be the strong man (thus the steroids ladies and gentlemen) and the older one was a contortionist. Don't look at me like that. I'm serious. He was a contortionist. And a very good one at that. If he's eaten too many of the wonderful purple mushrooms that they serve in the casserole on Tuesdays he'll be all too happy to give a demonstration. There you go. Entertainment and salmonella!

"Hmm, what next? Oh, here we are! The chemistry slash biology room! Ichigaki lurks here. Wonderful guy. Asks people to stay after for extra help and we never see them again. If Gama's channeling Van Gogh, this guy's channeling Dr. Frankenstein. Things go bump in the night. And the day. And come from the general direction of the locked closet door in the back of the room. It's best you not ask what the chemicals on the far left side of the room are. Or if he sniffs them. He doesn't like that. Um…if a frog were to leap off the table during the middle of dissection, don't worry; it's a common occurrence. Not all these things are dead. Especially the snakes. They periodically go missing, and apparently using the first floor girl's bathroom on the far left of the building is a bad idea. You HAVE been warned.

"I'm lazy and you looked freaked out enough by the visuals, so I'll just explain the vitals of the second floor. Let's see. Freshman History. Taught by the infamous Koko the Wasted. We're not entirely sure why. She knows jack and is either drunk or in the process of having a hangover. Well, I shouldn't say that she knows jack. By golly, maybe the French DID drop us the hydrogen bomb in 1852, I mean, you never know. Random urban legend and/or rumor: Koko used to be our beloved Principal's bonny lass until about fifteen years ago, when…stuff happened. In any case, she took to the bottle and decided that was a better lover instead. Power to you, Koko.

"For reasons unknown, the guidance counselor is on the second floor. Ah, yes, gotta love Makai. The only school where the guidance counselor needs more help than you do! Meet Sensui. His personal name changes periodically. But hey, we love our schizophrenic and his seven personalities dearly. Well, except for the murderous psychopath. He's not so cool. Especially that one time with the plastic spork… Anyway, he's actually a pretty good psychiatrist if you just catch him at the right time. But if you hear horrified screams and maniacal laughter coming from the general direction of the guidance counselor's room…well, just steer clear at that time, savvy?

"Hmm, who AM I forgetting? Oh, of COURSE! How could I ever have forgotten him? And after doing Sensui, no less! Whoever arranged the layout of this school was either a sadist or seriously stoned, so the nurse's office is in the far back on the second floor. By the way, we have a guy nurse. Itsuki is his name. He happens to be in love with none other than Sensui, and before you ask, no, we don't know which personality. Although there IS a discussion club dedicated to that which meets Thursdays after school. I say it's Shinobu, but Koto is convinced that it's Sakura. Oh well. For all I know, she could be right. We get into some pretty heated arguments over that one."

Youko clapped his hands together and stared at wide-eyed teens. "Anyone else is either not your teacher, too boring to mention, or someone I've never tormented-er, been taught by. So, any questions?"

Koenma slowly began inching away. "I'll just be going now--"

Botan yanked the back of his shirt before he could get anywhere. "Oh, no you don't. If you go, you're not coming back. I know you. You're staying RIGHT here."

Koenma gagged. "Botan. Choking. Not breathing."

Yusuke cocked an eyebrow. "Well. This will be…educational. Yeah. That's it. Educational."

Kuwabara looked back over at the amused Youko. "Uh…"

The junior turned his attention to the tall carrot-top. "Yeah?"

"My sister goes here. She's a senior. How's she doing?"

Youko thought for a moment then snapped his fingers. "Kuwabara Shizuru! Of course! Shiz is your sister? Why didn't she just go to Sarayashiki rather than dealing with this hellhole?"

Kuwabara shrugged. "It's just me and her and her part-time job's around here. You know her then?"

"Well…kind of. She works at a restaurant nearby, I know that much. Man, with her hours and school she must have to turn around the moment she gets back home."

"She doesn't come home. I'm not really sure where she stays. I was kind of hoping you would know."

Youko sighed. "Well, now that you mention it, she probably stays with Sakyou. He's the tenth grade Language Arts teacher. They've kind of had a thing going for a while now. It's kind of a pity. Shiz seems like a cool girl, but…I'm not feeling the whole thing with Sakyou. Had him a year ago and I think he was out to get me."

"MY SISTER'S DATING A TEACHER?!" Kuwabara screeched. "WHAT, IS SHE ON CRACK OR SOMETHING?! NO WAY!!! NO HOW!!!"

Youko, Botan, and Koenma (no longer being strangled) all winced and covered their ears. Keiko and Yusuke just rolled their eyes.

"Get a grip, Kuwabara," Yusuke said, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "It's not like he's in league with the ultimate evil or anything."

"Well, actually--" Youko began, but Keiko furiously motioned him to be quiet.

"Says you, Urameshi. But YOU don't have to deal with it, do you?"

The raven-haired boy just yawned. "Whatever."

Pounding footsteps made them all turn. A girl with aquamarine hair, violet eyes, and pink lipstick ground to a halt. "Youko…Youko…" she panted, trying to catch her breath.

Youko blinked. "Yeah, Juri?"

Juri just pointed down the hallway, still gasping for air. "Genbu…wants to see you…been yelling for the past ten minutes…"

The silver-haired boy gave a growl of frustration. "Jeez, the man's a freak. What was he, a jailer in his previous job? I SO would not be surprised." He turned to Yusuke, Kuwabara, Keiko, Botan, and Koenma. "Yo. Good freaking luck. See you on Monday." And with that he jogged down the hallway.

Juri took one long look at them, flashed them a pitying smile, and vanished off in some random direction.

The five exchanged a glance. Yusuke summed it up for everyone.

"Kami help us all."

A/N: And so the tile stones of my mosiac of an elaborate plot are laid. Well, not really. But now you know what the school is like! YAAAAAAY!!!! As it shall always be, read and review, or else there shall be grievous consequences! Ciao!