Title: Stoned Vamps
Author: RavenWolf1333
Rating: PG-13
Chapter: 2/2
Warnings: Use of marijuana and language
Disclaimer: The Legacy of Kain series belongs to Eidos and Crystal Dynamics. I own nothing except the plot of this story.
Summary: Raziel meets his double! Literally. It's never easy having to deal with a hybrid clone, a doped up giant spider and a hell of a lot of block puzzles. Way better than it sounds, although I feel like I'm not quite up to par with this chapter, but it is finished so neh.
Chapter Two: Two Half Baked Reavers, One Spider's Bong, and A Block Puzzle From HELL!!
As Raziel awoke in the Underworld for the first time and looked at himself, a loud "HOLY FUCK!!" was heard all throughout the Spectral Realm before Raziel yanked his tabard off the ground and threw it around the lower part of his face.
"Raziel....you are worthy."
Raziel turned and looked up at the gigantic squid like he was a little four year old who had just found out that a monster lived under his bed.
(Plushie Raziel: Hey! That really did happen. Hash 'ak' Gik is STILL under there!
Raven: Shut up Raziel! That's not from our story! It's from Light1's fic 'Kain's Kiddies'. Go read it if ya haven't! The Wolf Goddess commands you!! )
"You did not survive the Abyss, Raziel."
Raziel glared up at him and mumbled, "Thank you, Captain Obvious."
As the squidish god continued his speech about The Wheel of Fate and all that lengthy jazz, Raziel was bored and preoccupied himself with beating on his hollow chest and listening to the odd, but kinda cool, sound that followed from the small taps. When he started tapping the beat to James Brown's 'I Feel Good' he even started dancing (rather well I might add).
"Raziel?"
Raziel just went along dancing, tapping, and even started to hum softly.
"Raziel??"
Didn't work.
"RAZIEL!?"
Raziel jumped a bit and looked back up at the Elder God. "Sorry. It's just that you're long, drawn out way of talking bores me, so I gotta find something to do while you ramble on!"
"I do not 'ramble' you pathetic little insect!"
"Yeah ya do! I've only been here about, oh, ten minutes and I've only said about four sentances since I came here! Maybe it's just the fact that you like to hear yourself talk...is that true? Becauseifitistrueandyoudoliketohearyourselftalkthenyouprobablytalktoyourselfandmustnothavemanyfriendseveniftheyaregoodlisteners."
The only reply that the Elder God could come up with was, ".......What?"
Raziel sighed, "I said..."
"No No! Don't EVER talk that fast in my presence again or I'll send you back to Oblivion!"
".......whatever."
So the Elder God went on with his speech. Raziel got bored again and moved his hand up under his tattered clan banner and started feeling where his jaw once was. He interuppted the Elder God again, "Yo, wierd lookin squid-like thing? I got the munchies but I don't got no lower jaw or stomach. Weird huh?"
Least to say, the Elder God was losing his patience. Who wouldn't if they had to put with a (still) half baked former vampire who used incorrect grammer. At this point the Elder God is getting a major migrane and yells, "YOU EAT SOULS NOW!! GO KILL YOUR BROTHERS AND KAIN AND EAT THEIR SOULS IF YOU WANT TO GET RID OF THE 'MUNCHIES'!"
"..................Okaaaaaaay. Where do I go first?"
"Melchiah's terrirory. NOW!"
"Alright, alright 'mother'!"
"What was that young man!?"
"Nothing!"
So Raziel left the Elder God's lair and went to the Necropolis where Melchiah and his brood were waiting, but not before passing through his former stronghold. Seeing the damage, the remains of party favours, and the lingering scent of alcohol and blood, our little Reaver of Souls could only think of one thing.
"Dude this must have been one hell of a rave! WHY THE HELL COULDN'T SQUIDMAN WAKE ME UP THE NIGHT BEFORE THIS!?!?!?"
He angrily stomped through his former home, through the gate that lead to the Necropolis and swiftly took his anger and frustration out on a group of stupid fledglings. When he finally got to Melchiah's chamber after doing a few irritaing block puzzles and working his way down some tunnels, he was calmed down a tad bit, but was still feeling evil and wanted to do something reaaaaally mean to poor l'il Melchiah.
When he entered his little brother's chamber, the gate slammed shut behind him.
"Aw great. Just what I need. Now I gotta find another frickin way out dammit!"
Raziel kicks one of the bares on the gate, but then he realizes that even with his cloven feet, it still hurts like a mo' fo!
Balancing himself on he left foot and nursing his right one, he heard a small scuttle and growl from a dark alcove on the other side of the room. "Show yourself creature!"
"Do you not recognize me, brother? Am I so changed?" Melchiah mused sadly as he emerged from the shadows.
"Melchiah!?" If Raziel had a jaw it'd be hanging open, but he didn't, so snickering would have to suffice. "Damn I knew you were always ugly but this sure as hell takes the cake!!"
"Stop it! Stop laughing at me!" he starts crying and puts a huge paper bag over his head and wishes he had his hands back so he could clamp them over his ears and try to block out Raziel's laughter and taunts.
"Geez You're as ugly as Rahab was smart!"
"THAT'S IT!! YOU DIE NOW!!" the still crying mutated vamp jerked the bag off his head and charged at Raziel. The 'little blue assassin' just jumped on the ledge thingy, jumped down and ran over to the switch in the center of the floor and pulled it back, opening the gate, and waited for Melchiah to try and crawl through the entrance. and when he did, poooooor l'il Melchiah.
"HA!" Raziel would have smirked if he could've, but Melchiah just broke the gate that just impaled him and so Raziel had to go back through the little opening in the wall and do the same thing in the tiny room across from the one he just exited. When he finally got Melchiah trapped in the center cage, he ran to the switch and got ready to pull it.
"Tell me Melchiah, where can I find Kain?"
"I'm not telling you anything! You call me ugly and then expect me to answer any of your lame ass questions? GO TO HELL RAZIEL!!"
"You first." Raziel turned the lever and watched with sadistic glee as Melchiah was crushed in the giant meat grinder thingy. Melchiah's soul then floated into the air.
"FOOD!!" Raziel exlaimed happily as he practically attacked the soul. After Raziel was indowed with the power to pass through gates in Spectral, the Elder God spoke. Now that you have- what's wrong with you?"
Raziel was on his hands and knees crawling into a corner. "Mel's soul tasted as bad as he looked! I think I'm gonna hurl!"
"You can't puke you moron. Now get up off your ass and shift into the Spectral Realm!"
Raziel growled and stood up and shifted to the spirit world. "Am I high right now?"
"No, why?"
"Cause my vision used to be this way allllll the time when me and Zephon got baked."
"Uh huh that's nice now pass through the damn gate so you can get the hell out of here."
"Yeah yeah."
Raziel did so with ease and when he used to closest portal to the Material Realm he was shocked to find a human version of himself leaning up against the far wall, gently twirling a blunt between his slender fingers. No, it was defenatly not Sarafan Raziel. Far from. This Raziel looked just like our little wraith friend when he was a vampire except that the human wasn't quite that pale, his elfish ears were pierced at the top of his ear lobes and his clothes were much different. The human wore baggy black jeans, black combat boots, a black long sleeved shirt that had the word 'DEADSY' written across it in bold white letters, a silver necklace with a rabies tag on it and a pair of spiked cuffs on his wrists.
"Who the hell are you?" the wraith asked.
"I could ask the same, but I've got bigger fish to fry. Like knowing where the hell I am!"
Raziel could see a small black stone in the middle of the teenager's tongue when he spoke.
'Damn he got his tongue pierced too!?'
The Elder God spoke up, "Raziel, I really don't know how this boy got here-"
"That makes two of us, jerk off!!"
The squid just ignored the foul mouthed nineteen year old, "But he seems to be a version of you from another dimension."
"Say what!?" Raziel looked rather angry and astonished.
"You'll just have to baby sit him until I figure out a way for you to get him back to his right time period. In the meantime, go find Zephon and get rid of him. He might have been your 'bong buddy' but he replaced you with Dumah, ya know."
"He WHAT!?"
"Yep. And if I were you, I'd go kick his ass as soon as possible. And take the human with you."
Raziel sighed in aggitation. It'd be no use in arguing over it becuase he'd lose that one, plus the Elder God had already gone, so he was stuck. Raziel turned towards the human. "Well, do you have a name besides Raziel?"
"Just call me by my nickname. Raven's as good as anything else I guess."
(Raven: Heh heh.
Chibi Kain: But you're not a boy...... and ya sure as hell aren't a doppleganger of Raziel!
Raven: No shit Shirlock! I just let him borrow my name!
Chibi Kain: Oh...)
They were on their way to the Silenced Cathedral when Raziel turned to Raven and looked at his ears, amberish yellow eyes and black claw-like finger nails. He'd noticed them a while back but hadn't said anything.
"I've never seen a human with so many vampiric features before."
"I'm a Dhampir. Ya know, part demon, part vampire, part human?"
"Ah."
Raven might just be some help after all. Zephon sure as hell was gonna get his ass whooped now!
When the finally got into the bell tower (is that what it's called?) of the cathedral, they solved so many damn block puzzles that Raven was taking Prozac right and left (he had a little bottle of it in his pocket). Raziel just took it out on Zephonim fledglings that tried to attack them. After killing yet another one, Raziel turned around and glared at Raven, "You could be helping me you know!"
Raven slid the last block into place, "I am helping you. It'd take you forever to do this by yourself."
".....true."
So when the twins turned all the switches and were blew upwards into that big ass pipe. Raziel was actually the only one blown up into the pipe. Raven was able to fly, making his wraith counter part extremely jealous. When they were both standing on the ledge that lead to the tunnel to Zephon's chamber, Raven was folding his bat-like wings back into place and smirking at his wraith counterpart, "Like em? I know you want em."
Raziel glared, "If you don't shut up I'll do to you what Kain did to me."
He gestured to the tattered remnants of his wings and smirked as the dhampir cringed.
They made their way down the tunnel and into Zephon's lair, only to have the door slam shut behind them. "Gee, isn't this familiar." Raziel growled blatantly.
Raziel and Raven looked over at Zephon, only to see him smoking a gigantic bong and blowing smoke everywhere!
"Duuuuuude! Hey Raziel," Zephon said and then looked at Raven, "Hey Raziel." then he took another puff.
Raven smiled and walked over to Zephon, "Nice equipment. What do you smoke?"
"Raven! If you haven't forgotten, which I''m sure you have, we're here to kill Zephon! Zephon is the spider thing that you're talking to!"
Raven and Zephon just ignored him and went on with heir conversation, "I use the kind with the little red hairs in em. They kick ass."
Raziel's ears perked up, "You still use that same kind??"
"Still grow it myself."
Zephon opened a large doorway and inside was the biggest marijuana plant that the twins had ever seen! (the room that Zephon's in does have two unopened doors ya know)
"I'll hook ya up if ya want."
They didn't even give Zephon a reply. They just pulled plastic bags out from thin air and started loading up. After they were finished, Raziel and Raven plopped down next to Zephon and Raven pulled out the joint that he had earlier, lit it up and did the obvious. Raziel glared at him, "Puff puff give mother fucker!"
Raven just handed the joint over to the wraith, although Raziel had no clue as to how to smoke it with no lower jaw.
Just then, Zephon screeched and he gave birth to an egg.
Raven picked up the egg and tossed it from his left hand to his right, "........Well, we know what we're having for a snack. Scrambled eggs!!"
"WHAT!?!?" Zephon shrieked angrily. He then attacked them with one of his huge claw like thingies. They both jumped back in the nick of time and were now standing near the entrance of Zephon's lair.
"Nice goin' dumbass!" Raziel yelled.
"Well ya gotta kill him anyways don't ya!?"
"HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THAT WHEN HE'S ACTING LIKE THIS!?!?!?"
Raziel gestured to Zephon, who was trying to get his giant claw thingies to reach the them.
Raven looks around and finally notices the flamethrower that the eviscerated guard/knight/dude had and held the egg over the flames, thus setting it on fire, "Eat this Spider Man!!"
The goth then hurled the egg at Raziel's former bong buddy and when the egg hit Zephon, Zephon as set on fire.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Stop, drop and roll dude!"
Raziel and Raven got a good laugh out of seeing Zephon attempt to do the manuever, but before he could get his gigantic spidery ass up, he burned to death. As his soul rose into the air, Raziel lowered his cowl, "Snack time."
Raven watched with a stoned smile as Raziel was lifted into the air as he ate Zephon's soul, "What is in this weed!?"
As Raziel fell to the ground, the Elder God spoke, "Now that you have devoured Zephon's apostate soul- ah to hell with all the lengthy stuff! You now have the ability to scale walls! Happy!?"
Raziel would have smiled if he had the facial features to so, "Very. Who do kill next? Rahab? Turel?"
"Rahab. And just so ya know, you won't be able to find Turel unless you want to go back down to the bottom of the Abyss."
"Why?"
"Well...."
Flashback to the end of chapter one
The five remaining brothers were sitting on the platform that Raziel was thrown from just an hour ago. They're all high as hell (except for Zephon who was already high), talking nonsense, and laughing over it like morons. "And that's why we should build a death ray on the moon!" Dumah proclaimed through fits of laughter. Turel stopped laughing for a second, "Ya know, when we're sober, all our ideas that we come up with when we're stoned seem kinda stupid, but that death ray thing is awesome!!"
Rahab looked thoughtful, "Ya know, I have some blueprints for something like that in my room..."
Melchiah jumped up and yelled for no apparent reason. Now, when sober, Melchiah is a very quiet vampire, but he's stoned, so he was the complete opposite. His four brothers were staring at him as if he had grown another head, then started laughing. In his laughter, Dumah 'accidently' pushed Turel over the edge of the platform and into the Abyss.
Turel screams and burns in agony much like Raziel did. Rahab looks over the edge and mumbles, "That is the utmost WICKED THING I EVER SAW!!" A huge grin split his face as he and the other three retards laughed their asses off.
End flashback
Raven started laughing, "Damn how stupid could ya get!?"
"You obviously have never seen my brothers while their high off their asses." Raziel grumbled.
"Enough laughing at Raziel's retarded brethren! Go kill Rahab!!"
"Yeah sure whatever." The kick ass blue wraith growled as he went in the direction of the Rahabim territory.
Before Raven followed, he asked the Elder God one of the most stupidest questions ever, "Hey, EG?"
"What?"
"Do you like sushi??"
"I'M A SQUID YOU DUMB FUCK!!!! I'M WHAT THEY USE TO MAKE SUSHI!!!"
"Oh, okay. Just asking." The stoned l'il goth scampered off after his wraith counterpart. When he was out of site, the Elder God sounded as if he was crying, "DAMN YOU JAPAN!! WHY DID YOU KILL MY MOMMY!?!?"
Strangely enough, pre-fallen Raziel just popped up outta nowhere, "Cause you're a lamer!! A SO WAS YA MAMA!!" He then dissappeared as mysteriously as he had popped up. And as fucked up as it is, that my friends, is the end of our deranged little tale.
Plushie Raziel: Well, thank Ra that's over with.
Raven: Yeah. I might re-write this chapter though. As I said before, I don't think its quite up to par with the first one.
Chibi Kain: (Sitting in the corner sulking) It sucks and so do you!
Raven: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THAT!?!?!
Plushie Raziel: First he insults Varyssa, then he insults our master. What a dumb ass.
Chibi Kain: Ha! I know she didn't mean it.
Raven: Oh really? GET HIM RAZIEL!
Plushie Raziel: With pleasure. (hurls Kain into the basement, where Moebius is doing the funky chicken whilst listening to his Anne Murray records)
Chibi Kain: AGGGGHHHHHHH IT BUUUUUUUUUURNS!!!!!!
Raven: You shoulda known I wasn't bluffing! (pats Raziel on the head) Good boy!
Plushie Raziel: What the hell am I a dog!?
Raven: No but you act like one. Well readers, I hope you enjoyed the last chapter. I may write more, considering I beat the game just this morning, but with school, and work and crap like that, I doubt it'll happen anytime soon. I hope you guys enjoyed it! And be sure to check out my other fic, The Seventh Lieutenant. If you're into egyptian vampiress-es you might like that. Until next time!