Note: Some people that have not watched the Simpsons will not get some of the (sad excuses for) jokes, such as "Oh no! An anti-escape orb!" Also I don't own anything related to or including, but not limited to, the Simpsons or Harry Potter...YET! (If your a lawyer reading this, I'm just joking...(Muha ha ha ha!)

CHAPTER 1: GROUND CHOPS

The scene opens with an establishing wide shot of a dog house-shaped building with a green house jutting from one side. A sign on the roof is shaped like snoopy laying on his back and reads: The Doghouse; For All Your Flower Needs! There is a school bus with Springfield Elementary School written on it.
We see, inside the Doghouse, students from Ms. Hoover's second grade class looking around many flowering plants. However, they are slightly different because they are now in third grade.

LISA: (to Principal Skinner) Don't you think it's kind of sad that our school is so destructive we've been banned from nearly every place in town except the flower shop and the Cat Lady's house?

SKINNER: What are you talking about Lisa; The Doghouse is very educational and all of the students are behaving well!

Lisa looks around at the scene of chaos that is ensuing. Kids are running around, knocking over things, grabbing flowers, poking employees (zit-faced teenagers wearing collars around their necks), and Ralph Wiggum is eating a large, purple plant from a vase marked: Keep out of reach of pets, poisonous. Lisa sighs.

LISA: (to herself) I've got to get out of here!

Someone in a dog costume walks up to her. Through the mouth, we can see he is Gil, an unsuccessful salesman.

GIL: Gotta' get out...don't we all! Poor Gil's been kicked into the doghouse. Now the wolves are at old Gil's door... There's only one way out and old Gil can't make it! (He points to the door. An employee is shifting his eyes. Stealthily, he inches toward the door and is about to open it when...ZAP! He is shocked and smoke bellows from his collar. We see the manager walk towards him with a remote control.) No one can escape because of these blasted things. (points to the collar around his neck) Poor old Gil's stuck here forever! (Lisa backs away from Gil) Old Gil's stuck in the doghouse...w-wait now, don't leave old Gil here...alone... (looks down at the floor and walks away)

LISA: OK, I can do this. Just walk out the door without a chaperone seeing you. No harm in that, it's not like I've got one of those collars on...

SKINNER: (walks up from behind Lisa) Whoa, not so fast there! Before you go anywhere, you have to put on one of these nametags, courtesy the manager of The Doghouse! (he slips one of the collars over her head)

LISA: (gasps, then looks around to see the other kids struggling to pull of collars that are several sizes too small for their necks, Ralph is scratching his with his leg like a dog) What? (tugs at the collar around her neck) Oh no; now I'll never get out!

GIL: You could always keep old Gil company... (Lisa quickly walks away from him)...n-no! First my wife, then my lawyer, now you! Old Gil's gonna'... (continues indistinct)

LISA: Maybe if I make a run for it, the manager won't be able to shock me in time!

She breaks into a run towards the door. The manager, Skinner, and several teachers turn to look at her. In slow motion, Lisa grabs the doorknob. The manager brings his finger in position to press the remote. Skinner begins a slow "Nooooooooo...". Ralph is drinking the water from a vase. The manager presses the button and...ZAAPPP!!! The manager, not Lisa is shocked and the remote begins smoking. Lisa runs out the door.

ZIT-FACED TEENAGE EMPLOYEE: Oh no she doesn't! If we can't get out, no one can! (flips a switch on the wall)

As Lisa runs across the parking lot, a giant white bubble pushes its way out of the door.

LISA: Oh no! An anti-escape orb!

She trips on a crack in the asphalt and is now facing the imposing bubble. She closes her eyes and dreads what's coming. Suddenly, the bubble pops.

LISA: Well that was... convenient.

The employees, students, teachers, and Skinner run out and surround Lisa.

SKINNER: Lisa, how could you! ...And we were doing so well... (turns to kids) I'm sorry children, but it looks like there'll be no more field trips this year.

LISA: What about the Cat Lady's house?

SKINNER: No, she won't let us back ever since a certain staff member ate one her cats... (looks at Groundskeeper Willie)

WILLIE: What, why's everyone lookin' at Willie?

SKINNER: ...Anyways, I think we should all go on to the bus now and sit quietly for the remaining few hours of the field trip.

Everyone loads back onto the busses muttering things like, "Thanks a lot Lisa" and "Now where will we go Lisa?".

RALPH: The flower I ate makes me see the leprechauns that tell me to burn things...

NEXT SCENE

We see the out side of Springfield Elementary School. The bus from The Doghouse is pulling in. The camera zooms in to a widow and we see Bart writing on the chalkboard.

BART: Ah man, this will take forever.

Puts down the chalk and looks up. "I will not use erasers as tools of mass destruction." is written a few dozen times. Jimbo Jones and Nelson Muntz, two school bullies, enter through the ajar door.

JIMBO: Hey there Simpson, looks like someone's getin' tired!

NELSON: Yeah, you look worse than my mom!

BART: Guys, leave me alone.

JIMBO: Oh, we'll leave you...up the flagpole!

Bart dashes between them and out the door. They follow. The moment they leave the room, the chalk begins to write by itself!
Meanwhile, in the hallway, Bart is being chased by Jimbo and Nelson. He slips on a puddle near a water fountain.

NELSON: Ha h... (he stops looking horrified at Jimbo)

The water fountain sends a jet of water at Jimbo and knocks him down. Both bullies run away screaming.

BART: Well that was... cool!

NEXT SCENE

The camera shows the Simpson house as the bus drops Lisa and Bart off. Inside Homer is sitting at the table while Marge gets started on dinner.

MARGE: Homer, what do you what for dinner? I've got pork chops and ground beef in the freezer.

HOMER: Ohhhh, isn't there any way you can combine them in some sort of delicious ground chops? Mmm... ground chops...

MARGE: Ground beef it is. (Bart and Lisa enter the kitchen) So, how was school?

BART: You'll never believe what happened! I...

HOMER: (enraged) You ate the last muffin!?!

BART: No, I...

Homer grabs Bart and begins to strangle him. Suddenly, a large, brown barn owl swoops in and drops off two letters before flying back out the window.

MARGE: An owl? Lisa, you haven't been volunteering our house as an animal shelter again, have you?

LISA: No Mom, I think it's some kind of delivery, like a carrier pigeon. (Picks up letters and reads out loud) 'Ms. L. Simpson, Evergreen Terrace, Springfield, USA, The Dinner Table'-This one's for me, and-'Mr. B. Simpson, Evergreen Terrace, Springfield, USA, Between Mr. H. Simpson's Strangling Hands'.

HOMER: Wow, they're really on the ball! (lets go of Bart)

BART: Let me see that.

LISA: 'Dear Ms. Simpson,
We are pleased to inform you that instead of receiving this letter two years from now, you have been promoted two grades. You will also not be going to an American academy, but to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (In England) due to your outstanding abilities in scholastics. Transportation has already been arranged to arrive tonight and take you to London. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment (available in Diagon Alley, London).
Term begins on September 1. Yours sincerely, Minerva McGonagall Deputy Headmistress'.

BART: 'Dear Mr. Simpson,
I t has come to our attention that your are now of age, and abilities, of attending a wizarding academy; however, every school except one has refused to accept you due to past performances in a school environment. There for you will be attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in England, because we are the only school left that will accept you...' And then the rest of it's like Lisa's letter.

LISA: This must be some sort of joke!

GRANDPA: (jumping out from under the table) You'd think that, wouldn't you!

HOMER: Hey, your supposed to be in the old folks home!

GRANDPA: Make me! Anyways, Bart and Lisa are a wizard and a witch!

MARGE: What makes you think that?

GRANDPA: Well, for one, their Grandma was a witch.

EVERYONE BUT GRANDPA: What?

GRANDPA: It's true. Now that she's on the lamb, she told me to keep in touch with this. (he takes a small burlap bag from his pocket and throws it on the stove) Hippy House! (bright, emerald green flames shoot from the stove range and Grandma Simpson's head appears in the flames)

GRANDMA: Hello Abe, is something wrong?

GRANDPA: No the kids just got their Warthogs letters.

GRANDMA: You mean Hogwarts, Abe.

GRANDPA: Yeah, that's what I said, Warthogs

GRANDMA: Of course you did, Abe. Are you saying both of them are going? I could've sworn they were two years apart!

LISA: In my letter, it says I'm skipping two grades.

GRANDMA: Oh, that's wonderful! Congratulations to you two! Well I've got to go; eye of newt doesn't pickle itself you know! Take care! (her head disappears, as do the flames)

BART: But how can school begin if we've already been in school for a month?

LISA: Springfield starts school early in anticipation of the annual teachers' strike.

MARGE: Well I guess we better get packed to go to this 'Diagon Alley'.

HOMER: The Simpsons are going Diagonally!

Well, that's the first chapter. It may not have seemed funny, but don't worry, it'll get good. The next chapter will also be written more like a storie than a script (the reason this chapter is like a script is so that the story will start off like a Simpsons episode, and change to a HP book).