five; failure.

remus.

Sunlight sifts through the window, bathing the dormitory in its golden shine. It's going to be beautiful today, I know, but I can't bring myself to be jovial about it.

The night before comes back in a whirlwind of pictures and voices and I grab my head. It is the only vague attempt to calm them that I can muster.

Ainslee…

Something about her that I don't want to remember…don't want to remember the words or how my stomach had turned over when Sirius had said them. Don't want to remember how I could imagine her, radiant in my mind, impossibly happy. Don't want to remember how I felt when I knew it was true.

Because I do know that it's true.

I shake my head, desperately trying to clear the memories from it, but they are rather ruthless.

"She cuts her arms."

I cradle my head in my hands. I'm beginning to feel sick again.

"You all right, mate?"

I suddenly realize that Sirius is awake as well; he's examining me very closely.

"Not really," I confess gutturally. "But I apologize for losing it on you and Peter last night. It just—was the last thing I expected."

"What were you expecting?" He questions dryly.

"Anything but that," I say in all sincerity.

A nod and he stretches. "We should get up."

"It's Saturday."

"…you're right, we don't have to," Sirius grins, "But Peter and James should."

I throw him a look of confusion. "Why?"

"Because I'm an evil prat." With that said, he picks up one of his books, and hurls it straight at James' sleeping face.

It comes in contact with an awfully loud cracking noise.

Followed directly by…

"AHHHH YOU BLOODY GIT, WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!" James throws his covers off, sitting upright in his bed. His hair is tousled with sleep but his eyes are wide open and wildly scanning the room for the culprit. He comes to rest his gaze on Sirius. "RUN FOR YOUR RUDDY NO-GOOD LIFE, BLACK!"

Cackling wickedly, Sirius dives out of his bed just as James snatches up aforementioned book and tries to chuck it back.

I smile despite the recollections from last night.

"Hey, Moony, will you grab that for me?" James pins Sirius down, pointing to a thick hardback lying a few feet from my bed.

"Moony, don't do it! He's going to hit me with it!"

I hold up my hands, innocently. "I'm not a part of this."

"Aw, Moony…"

"What's going on?" Peter mutters groggily, pushing himself up on his elbows. He takes in the sight in front of him and yawns. "He used a book again, didn't he, James?"

.

.

.

.

Since my first year, I've always wanted to go swimming in the lake. I never have because it's not the most brilliant idea. But right now, the sun is blistering the dirt only mere inches from where I sit.

I have been able to do nothing all day. Every time I wish to complete my homework or pull out a book, my mind flies straight back to Ainslee.

She cuts her arms, she cuts her arms, she cuts her arms…

Since early this morning, Sirius has been after all of us to devise one more plan. Something, anything, to stop or hinder her self-destruction. And he's absolutely right, I know, and I want to help her. But…how?

A notion hits me; I spring to my feet, walking quickly to the shore of the lake where a familiar redhead is giggling at something the girl beside her had said.

"Lily!" I freeze on the bank; I'm not exactly friends with Lily, but certainly she could afford me one favor…

She looks up, frowning a little at the sight of me. "Yes?"

I motion her away from her gathering and she comes, though not happily.

"Can I help you?" She queries, standing in front of me with her hands on her hips.

Lily has always been an intimidating figure; I think that's part of Dumbledore's reason for handing her the Prefect badge last year. Though she was intelligent and pretty as well, she did not strike me as someone that was very love-worthy (so of course I've always been confused by James' fascination with her…). "I just wanted to ask a favor – nothing bad or that involves James, I promise," I tell her quickly, watching as her features change from resentful to angry to calm again.

"Well? What is it?" She glances back at her friends, then to me again.

"I assume you know Ainslee."

Lily's bright green eyes snap to me immediately, suspicion lurking in them. "What about her?"

I'm beginning to regret this. "She—she has this bad habit—"

"Oh," Lily says abruptly, "You mean, with the razor?"

I gape at her.

"I already knew about that. I mean, I just found out a few days ago, when she rolled up her sleeves after one of our classes," Lily stares at me. "What?"

My mouth flaps before I finally manage, "Why haven't you tried to stop her?!"

"I have! I've been staying up later, if you haven't noticed. Like last night. I stayed up as late as I could but I had to tell her good night and leave. It was past midnight," Lily's a tad offended at my accusation, I note.

"Yes, I have noticed that, but I didn't think much into it. I just found out last night. Well—Sirius found out," I shift uncomfortably; her eyes flash at Sirius' name.

"I see. So what was your favor?"

"Well, to watch her for us. But you've already begun that."

"Should we tell someone?" Lily asks me hesitantly, scraping her bare toes against the sand.

I realize suddenly that I hadn't thought of this before. The idea hadn't occurred to me, to tell someone – an adult, a teacher, Dumbledore or McGonagoll. But after a moment's consideration, the corners of my mouth turn downwards. How would they react to something like that? What would they do with her? "No. What about the consequences?"

Lily shrugs. "She's a big girl. She should handle the penalty of her actions."

"Lily, what are you doing?! Come on!" Coral Crimson calls, interrupting our conversation.

"I ought to go," Lily murmurs timidly. "If I see you later, we'll talk more."

I nod wordlessly, watching her go.

Well, we're not alone, I suppose.

I return to the common room at a faster pace than normal; instead of fluid, my movements have been erratic and jerky. This is unusual, really.

But upon entering the common room, only one person is inside, away from the world. Away from the sun, from the light, from the heat.

Sitting in a chair near the window, is Ainslee.

I diffidently move to the chair opposite hers, resting my legs.

She peers up at me, offers a friendly smile, and returns to her journal.

Before I can stop myself, the words surge from my lips. "What are you writing?"

Her quill pauses over the parchment; the hand holding it is quivering. She peeks at me from underneath long, shiny black bangs. There's a strange flicker of distress in the oceans of pacific blue; I try frantically not to be pulled into the undertow by those eyes. "Just-just poems. I use it as a diary sometimes too."

The eruption is coming again and I attempt, in vain, to hold it in – yet my failure is plain. "Is it horrible for me to ask if I could read one sometime? Not the diary entries, a poem."

I have to disclose my surprise privately when she smiles in pleasure instead of harshly informing me that I must sod off. A line that she had had to use on Sirius once.

"Hm…Remus, if I'm not mistaken, that was your dog last night?"

I incline my head, grateful for her smile. I'm growing a little more comfortable as she fixes her eyes on me. "He's mine, yes."

"Will he be joining me again tonight?"

I feign a wry laugh, "Doubtful." Disappointment flutters to her face. "He's tired," I lie.

The disappointment fades to bemusement; she pulls wistfully at her hair. "You take the top of my list of bad liars," I flush at this, "But I'll let it slide this time," she winks, smiling again.

I avert my gaze to the floor so as to hide my burgundy cheeks.

I'm not sure what has compelled me to begin this conversation with her, but I rather feel like continuing it. She's forthcoming and certainly charismatic – a trait that she seems to share with Sirius, which I find strange, since they're believed to be complete opposites. "You-you didn't answer my question."

"I didn't?" Her smile grows, "All right, then, read one." She pushes the journal into my chest.

"Does it matter…" I thumb through the pages, my voice drifting.

Her hand settles on mine when I come to a certain page. "Yes. So just read this one." She leans back again.

I know you lied; push comes to shove

That's how you fall

I hope the crash kills you…

Because you took my dumb heart by storm

Commanded my love

And you…

You were always better at this than I.

I glance up at her with wide eyes.

"It's not exactly a poem, I suppose. Just some writing," she takes the journal from my hands. "It's no good. The entire thing is negative."

My mouth pulls down; I had no reservations about that. "Of course, if negativity is all you feel and all you've known," I say.

She laughs lightly, her voice turning tedious. "Yes, I agree. But how would you know if negativity is all I've known? Snuffles couldn't have possibly told you."

I'm feeling somewhat apprehensive now; I wish I could think before I speak. "No, most definitely not," I lie again, doing a better job this time, "Dog's can't possibly talk. Even if they could, they wouldn't have anything intelligent to say."

Ainslee stifles a giggle with her hand; I wish she wouldn't. Her laugh is similar to music. "Well, it feels better to be talking to a human instead of a dog, this time," she confesses. "Why…why did you start to talk to me anyway?"

This catches me off-guard and I writhe when I feel another lie coming on. Instead, I turn it into a half-truth with the best answer I've come up with all day: "You looked lonely."

She studies for a minute. Then – "So I was." A break. "Thank you, then. You've held me at bay again."

I smile gently. Though I'm not positive on that quote's meaning, it generates warmth nonetheless. So I don't question her on it, because this exchange has gone better than I expected anyway.

You've held me at bay again…

author's note; yeah, the point-of-view chapters go in order (sirius, remus, ainslee) for a little while, if you haven't noticed. it'll get all crazy and mixed up rather soon. oh, and stay tuned for chapter six, because a huge secret is revealed…you'll hear more of it in chapter seven as well. i'm trying to take my time and do a good job on this but i've found that i don't have much time and i rush myself to get some of these chapters done. like tonight. i really, really, wanted chapter six up tonight…but my dad's bothering me and i need to go back to my mom's and blah blah blah. well, i'll try and get six; golden. up tomorrow.