Chapter 17 – The Child

Author's Note: This was not supposed to be a full chapter. Originally, it was only supposed to be a few scenes and then Anakin and Obi-Wan would reunite, but... that didn't happen. Their reunion will be in the next chapter, I promise. ^-^

This chapter includes mentions of the Tatooine Slave Culture and Amatakka created by Fialleril.

WARNING: Depression which is nothing new :)

~ Amina Gila

Anakin would have thought that talking to Obi-Wan and Ahsoka would make him feel better. It doesn't. By the next morning, instead of feeling better, he somehow feels worse. The anxiety buzzing under his skin is stronger, more maddening, and it makes him miss everyone else in his family with an unparalleled fierceness. He's been forcing himself to keep moving through sheer willpower over the past few days, hyper focusing on each objective which he needs to accomplish to keep Tatooine safe.

Ever since killing Jabba, followed by his duel against Maul and Savage, it's been a whirlwind of activity and one thing after another constantly. Anakin likes it, of course, because it's distracting, but it's also extremely exhausting.

His… restlessness has only been growing over the past few days, and initially, he'd attributed it to taking a kyber crystal from one of the Siths' lightsabers and using it as the core of a new one for himself. As much as he likes his Jedi one, sometimes… it feels wrong to use a blue blade when he's playing the role of Darth Vader, and he hadn't wanted to bleed his crystal again. It was hard enough the first time, and he didn't think he could properly muster the level of hate that would be needed for such an endeavor.

Regardless, the lightsaber had not been the cause of his… current problems, leaving him to question if, in truth, the problem is about a lack of… human contact. He's still adjusting to having a body like this, and the first few days he spent with Obi-Wan helped to quell his desperate need to be in contact with other people. Going for ten years without it wasn't easy.

It's such a stupid thing to be bothered by.

All of his questions and tiredness vanish, however, when he awakens to find a tiny, pale red Twi'lek girl curled up against him. For a moment, he just stares at her in stupefaction because she was definitely not there last night. She wasn't. He would have remembered if she was. And that means that, sometime during the night, she wandered away from the group of slaves who he freed yesterday after talking to Obi-Wan and Ahsoka and who had been staying in Jabba's former palace, and his current base of operations, and found him. Even though the palace is enormous. What are the chances of that? And why would she think to come here?

Anakin's initial reaction is panic because there's a tiny child with him. And he is… not good with children. At all. Maybe he used to be, but now? No. Just no. He does not want to interact with children more than is strictly necessary when he's helping rescue them. He doesn't deserve to, and more likely than not, he'll only end up hurting them. Still, there's nothing he can do right now, except carefully lift the tiny Twi'lek into his arms and go in search of Kitster.

The last thing he wants is to disturb her when she's sleeping so peacefully, but he can't just keep her here. She needs to go back to her family; she must have one somewhere since she's only around three. And Kitster will take care of that. He and Anakin had reunited, and Kitster has been helping them ever since. He's good at leading, and he's been the primary one, along with Sabe, who has been helping the freed slaves settle down, whether on-world or off-world.

Finding Kitster isn't hard, and Anakin tells him, in hushed tones, how he'd awoken to find the child with him. "We need to find her family," he finishes, as she stirs in his arms, eyelids fluttering and opening. She blinks up at him with violet eyes, not seeming the slightest bit disconcerted at his presence, which isn't surprising, given that she, for some reason, sought him out in the first place.

"Hi," she whispers, mouth curving up into an almost mischievous smile.

"Hello, young one," Anakin replies, feeling his heart melt a little at her sheer adorableness. But he can't be around children. Not after… what he did.

"Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What are we going to do?"

He nearly flinches at the memory, reaching out to pass her to Kitster. She whips her head towards Kitster, eyes widening when she realizes that he's going to take her. "No!" she wails, clinging onto Anakin as tightly as she can, which is quite tight for a tiny toddler such as herself. "Stay," she insists, pouting.

Anakin gives Kitster a desperate, pleading look, and his once best friend steps forwards to talk to her. "What is your name, little one?" he asks, reaching out to touch her head. She lets him, still clinging to Anakin.

"Lyla," she answers, shyly.

"Why don't you come with me, Lyla?" he coaxes. "I can find your mother."

Something in her expression falls, and her face is far too solemn and serious for one so young. "Mama gone," she says quietly, her Basic somewhat broken, and Anakin wouldn't even need the Force to know what she means. Her mother is dead.

"Do you have a father? Or some other family?" Kitster asks.

Her tiny lekku, which barely come past her shoulders, twitch. "Koa zen'ka," she murmurs, burying her face against Anakin's shoulder. It's Ryl, the words meaning no family. And despite himself, and despite how much he fears that he'll hurt her if she stays, Anakin can't help but hold Lyla a little tighter. He knows what it feels like to not have a family, and it's awful that this little child knows that feeling.

He and Kitster exchange looks, equal parts sympathetic and worried. "How about you let Kitster take care of you?" Anakin questions gently, lightly rubbing her back the way Obi-Wan did for him not all that long ago. Thinking about Obi-Wan sends a stab of longing through him, but he crushes it back. He can't think about Obi-Wan or Ahsoka or Padme right now. He can't. He misses them too much, and he feels like he's beginning to lose his mind again. His grip on reality and sanity is far too shaky for him to allow himself to indulge in missing his family.

"Nuh uh," Lyla insists, fingers digging into his arm. "Stay."

He exchanges a bemused look with Kitster. "Why stay?"

She lifts her head, looking at him. "You hurt. You bright," she states simply, patting his shoulder. "I feel. I help."

His breath catches in his lungs when he realizes the significance of her words. She's – she's Force sensitive. She's Force sensitive, and she sought him out because she felt him through the Force. She was drawn to him because of his brightness in the Force.

Despite having been a slave, she's still very empathic, and it reminds him, abruptly, of Ashla. She had been only seven when she died in a sandstorm, but she had been his best friend aside from Kitster. And Ashla, like Lyla, may have been Force-sensitive. Even now, years later, he can't help but feel a surge of grief at her memory. He had loved her once, and there's a part of him which still does. He could never forget her, his "little light", as they had once joked.

"Why sad?" she asks, tipping her head to the side, looking worried.

"I – you just reminded me of someone," he answers, brushing a hand over her head covering, something which is traditional for all female Twi'lek to wear. After a heartbeat of silence, he continues, "Go with Kitster, okay, Lyla? It's not safe for you to stay with me." He tries to speak slower so that she can understand him. She doesn't seem to have a problem though. Speaking Basic isn't easy for her – Ryl was probably her first language – but she can understand it.

Her expression scrunches up. "Koa!" she wails. "No! You safe. You protect me."

"I think you'll have to take care of her, at least for now," Kitster tells him. "It'll only upset her more if I take her."

Reluctantly, Anakin has to agree, even if his heart is hammering wildly at her words. You protect me. She's wrong. He is the thing she needs to be protected from. … right? He isn't – after what he did to the Jedi younglings, to the Tusken children, to all the other children who he's encountered and killed, directly or indirectly, in his time as Vader, how could he possibly be entrusted with protecting a child?

He had wanted Luke and Leia to be born, but… he had never really thought about what that would mean for him. He wants to be a father, but he's terrified to be one. How has Obi-Wan ever managed it all these years? How was he able to accept Anakin after everything, after failing him in the past?

Is this some sort of test by the Force? Why did the Force allow this to happen? Why did it send this toddler to cross his path? Anakin believes that everything is destined and foretold, because such is what his life has been all these years. There's no reason why this would be any different. And Kitster is right that Lyla won't react well if Kitster takes her anyways, against her wishes. Neither of them have any idea what she's seen or been through, and causing her further distress is the last thing Anakin wants.

He isn't a hero, but for her? Perhaps for her he can try to be. Perhaps for her he can try to learn to let go of the crimes that haunt him, follow him in the shadows, nagging at his every step. It won't be easy, but he can try.

Kitster leaves to help the other slaves get organized for the new day, coming back an hour later to tell Anakin that he asked about Lyla. One female Twi'lek had known the girl's mother, but she has several children of her own, so she's unable to take in Lyla or help her. And her name, her full name, is Lyla Freykaa. It fits, somehow.

"It hurts," Lyla comments curiously, standing on her tiptoes and reaching up to try and touch the Sith lightsaber hanging on Anakin's belt. "Why?"

Anakin catches her hands before she touches it, pulling them away as he drops down to one knee so he's at eye level with her. "Don't touch it," he says firmly. "It's dangerous." He infuses his words with feelings of danger that she'll understand through the Force. "It hurts, because it was hurt by someone bad."

Her lekku twitch again. "Like you?" she asks sadly.

Anakin stills at her words, feeling a wave of complicated emotions crash over him. "Yes," he manages to say, because isn't it the truth? Obi-Wan had said something of that nature to him, but he hadn't been ready or willing to accept it at the time.

"It's not your fault, Anakin. You were only a child!"

"I don't expect you to believe me, but maybe you will, in time. Sidious manipulated you, and I can't blame you for falling victim to it."

"I chose it. I chose to follow him, even though I knew I shouldn't."

"I know, dear one, I know."

Obi-Wan never pushed the issue after that, but the uncomfortable truth still remains. Sidious used him. He used him. And as much as he wants to resist that fact, to maintain some sort of autonomy… It's easier to take the blame than it is to accept that he was the victim. It's easier to claim responsibility than it is to acknowledge how little choice he really had. It doesn't change what he did. It doesn't make his crimes any less serious. But perhaps… perhaps he can learn to forgive himself a little by admitting to himself that he was as much Sidious' victim as the rest of the galaxy was.

As he tries to think of something to distract Lyla with, she steps forwards suddenly, throwing her arms around his neck, and kissing his cheek. "Mama always told me that helps," she confides in a loud whisper, and Anakin lifts her into his arms, cradling her against his chest as tears suddenly threaten. He hasn't cried since he came to Tatooine. He's been numb instead, but somehow, this child and her innocence threatens to undo him. He forces himself not to think about what her fate undoubtedly was in the future.

"Have you heard of the Force, Lyla?" he asks, settling down with her in his office space from where he works. There's a holotable in the middle of the room which he uses to plan strategies on missions, and up against one of the walls is a comfortable bench which he's now sitting on, Lyla perched in his lap, his left hand against her back to keep her steady.

"No." She shakes her head, lekku swaying wildly. "What that?"

"It is… an energy field that connects all living things," he answers, trying to keep it simple so her toddler mind can understand. "I have it. And… you have it too."

Her violet eyes grow wide. "I do? I want be like you!" she declares firmly.

… That wasn't what he expected her to say. Force, he is really not good with very little children is he. Or maybe he's just out of practice. He knew how to handle the younglings at the Temple when he was… still a Jedi, so there's no reason that this Twi'lek child should be any different. If anything, he should be able to handle her better because of their shared past.

He reaches out to her through the Force, lightly brushing against the surface of her mind with his Force presence, unwilling to go any deeper lest his darkness hurt her. "That you?" she inquires, curiously, reaching back clumsily, and he can't help but smile, his thumb rubbing her back.

"Yes," he confirms, realizing that it is probably his duty to give her to someone who can teach her how to control her wild, untrained abilities. In time, of course, they'll fade, but he can't keep her forever. "You can become a Jedi," he tells her, even though the words feel like ash in his mouth, because he knows it will mean he'll never see her again.

Somehow, over the past few hours, he's become incredibly fond of her, and for the first time, he can understand why his mother was so willing to let him go with Qui-Gon, because he would do the same for Lyla in a heartbeat, and she isn't even his own. She's helped him, too, in a way he didn't even know he needed to be helped, and it's left him feeling more settled, more ready for… something. Maybe to confront his past again and move beyond it.

"You come?" Her tone is so hopeful that it hurts.

"I cannot come," he admits.

"Then I stay," she decides, resting her head on his chest and humming under her breath, some tune that she probably learned from her mother.

Anakin, after a few minutes, adjusts her so that he's holding her with one arm while his other arm is free for him to be able to do work. It isn't as easy as it normally would be, since he only has one free hand, but he can use the Force to help him, something which enthralls Lyla. It takes an hour before she seems satisfied that he won't make her leave or have someone take her, and then, she slips off his lap, wandering around the room, curiously examining everything. He lets her do it since there's nothing dangerous or harmful lying around.

Even though he works, helping organize supplies and transports to help all those who are freed, Anakin can't stop glancing at the toddler from time to time and wondering. What would his life have been like if he'd made a different choice? If he and Padme had been able to raise the twins together? A part of him aches for the happiness and family that he never got, but… he knows he doesn't deserve it anyways. Maybe now, though, while he makes amends for the mistakes that he never made in this timeline, he can… find a family.

Kitster calls them for a communal afternoon meal, and they, Sabe, and Beru discuss what their next agenda should be while Lyla keeps herself as close to Anakin's side as is physically possible. At first, at least. She gets restless and bored, before long, the conversation going over her head, and Anakin doubts that she can understand much, if anything, about what they're saying. She leaves him, coaxed away by some of the other children present, and before long, they're running around together, playing in dirt right outside the place.

Seeing them there, happy, free to do what children do, Anakin feels… contentment. It's a strange feeling for him to have, and he suspects that the only reason his eyes have stayed yellow all this time is because he feels hollow inside, bereft of his family. He doesn't know how to function without them, without Obi-Wan. He never has been. He's always had Obi-Wan or Palpatine to guide him, to tell him what to do. It's strange to do something on his own, and he doesn't know if he likes the feeling, if he likes the… independence and responsibility. It's foreign and wrong.

He tries to slip away, unnoticed, but he should have known that Lyla was still watching him, because he hardly has a chance to brace himself before the pale red toddler is barreling into his leg, wrapping her arms and legs around him and clinging. "No go," she says, sounding scolding and grumpy at once. "Me come."

"I'm just going to do some boring work. I'm not leaving," Anakin tries to assure her. "You can stay here." What did he do to make this child imprint on him like this? It doesn't help that Sabe and Beru are both laughing at him quietly, and he fixes them both with a glare. They only laugh harder. At least Kitster has the decency to look sympathetic, even though he, too, is radiating amusement.

"Koa!" she protests, somehow not falling or losing her grip even though she's not touching the ground. "Stay with ipa!"

Anakin's heart lurches, and the galaxy screeches to a halt around him. "What? I – I'm not – I'm not your father, Lyla."

"Uh huh," she insists firmly, bobbing her head up and down, lekku swaying. "Are too. I say so."

"That's not how it works," Anakin argues, trying to figure out what he did to make her jump to such a conclusion. Or maybe, he thinks dryly, this is how Obi-Wan felt when Anakin first told him something of this nature. The Force must be laughing at him right now.

"Yes," Lyla replies firmly, nodding. "Is." She sounds so sure of herself and so confident, and Anakin has no idea what to do. He came here to hide from the Jedi, not to find another family, but… he did, didn't he? Owen, Beru, Cliegg, Sabe, Kitster… They're all friends, all family. And Lyla too, now. Having to care for a child will be terrifying, but he isn't alone, like he's been telling himself. He and Obi-Wan cannot realistically spend their every moment together, especially not if he and Padme are to ever… sort things out. They can still live together, but they need to know how to exist while apart.

Maybe it would be good for both of them to stay in a place like this, surrounded by people who need their help, people who will, in turn, help them when they need it. This, Anakin thinks, is what family is truly supposed to be. He had forgotten that. Somehow, he had forgotten, probably because the Jedi are so very different. They lack the bonds that the people here share with one another. At their core, the Jedi are an organization first, and a family second. Here, it's the opposite, and perhaps that is why he's been able to find healing here in a way he never did elsewhere. The desert is a part of him, and he can't ignore it.

"Alright then, young one, but you are not riding around on my leg." He reaches down to pry her off, gently, and she willingly lets go, letting him lift her into his arms, holding her against his hip. Somehow, he'll have to explain this to Obi-Wan, to Ahsoka, to Padme. It was never his intention to adopt a daughter here, but… sometimes, fate has a funny way of disregarding one's intentions and expectations.

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