INTO THIS NIGHT I WANDER
Disclaimer: I don't own SVU, nor an SUV.
A/N: Oh, and thanks to Marshmellowluvr for editing this mess...it would totally suck without her....'
It feels like I'm falling...falling too fast to
reach out and grab a hold of something in order to
stop myself. I'm afraid to open my eyes, for fear of
what I know I will see. Around me, I can hear voices.
Some of them I recognize, and some of them I don't. My
world seems to be spinning out of control, and it's
all because of a single bullet. I guess I never really
thought something like this could ever happen to my
partner and me. But now I know how completely wrong I
was. It's past midnight, and I'm sitting in the squad
room, leaning back in my chair, and watching the rain
as it falls. It lashes angrily against the windows,
reflecting perfectly the mood that I'm in. How could
my partner do this to me? How could he just leave me
hanging like this? I know it isn't his fault, but I
can't help but blame him for it. He's the one with a
family, a wife and four children waiting at home in
Queens. They have no idea about this, because it just
happened. I was there, and so were Munch and
Fin...though they were a lot calmer than I was. In
fact, the two of them threatened to get a doctor to
give me a sedative if I didn't calm down. But how
could I calm down? My partner's blood soaked the front
of my clothes, and I knew somehow that he wasn't going
to make it. He was still in surgery when I came back
to the squad room, just to escape all of the
frustrations. I made John swear that he'd call the
minute they got news of his condition. The last thing
I expected was to answer my cell phone, to hear him
choked up on the other side, telling me that my
partner's time of death had been declared at 2:22 this
morning. He told me that he and Fin were on their way
to Queens, to let his family know about it. I answered
in a dead monotone, telling him that it was ok, that
yes, I'd be fine, no, I didn't need him and Fin to
return to the squad room. The minute I hung up, I
started hyperventilating. And then the tears came, a
never-ending stream down my face. They fell onto the
paperwork, but I ignored it. Paperwork didn't mean a
thing to me right now. I looked over at the desk
across from me. It was a mess. There were manila
folders filled with things that we'd been going over
just that day for our latest case. There were pictures
of his family...the same ones he'd had on his desk
ever since I became his partner, and new ones. I
closed my eyes and instantly wished I hadn't...I could
see him there, from earlier that day, laughing at
something that I'd just said to Fin. When I opened my
eyes, I found myself once more facing the harsh
reality that he was no longer there. And at that
moment, there wasn't anything in the world that I
wanted to forget more than that.
In a way, I was glad that I wasn't out with Munch and
Fin. Thought I had been Elliot's partner, I had no
desires to go and let his wife know that he had been
killed in a shootout. I didn't want to see the look on
her face; didn't want to see the tears that I knew
would be welling up in her eyes. I know it was
selfish...but at the time, the only thoughts I had
were that she'd had him for a lot longer than I had.
It just made me feel worse, and I started crying
harder, trying desperately to forget the events of
just a few hours ago. It was impossible. I closed my
eyes once more and found that I was back outside, in
the rain, desperate in my attempts to stop my
partner's bleeding. I knew somehow that he wasn't
going to make it, and yet when he asked, I told him
that it would be just fine, that everything would be
ok. And he'd trusted me. He'd let me try to save him,
and I had lied to him. It was when he started slipping
in and out of consciousness that he grabbed my hand,
and when I looked down at him, I could tell that he
was trying not to cry. He asked me to make sure that
someone would always be there to take care of and
watch over his family. So I told him that I would. At
least that hadn't been a lie. Munch and Fin showed up
just as he lost consciousness completely, just as the
ambulance arrived to take him away. The paramedics
luckily didn't raise any issues when I told them that
under no circumstances would I let him go without me.
But the minute we got to the hospital, he was whisked
away into surgery. Not too long after that, Munch and
Fin both walked in, and when they saw me, tried to get
me to let someone take a look at me, but I refused,
planting myself in a orange plastic waiting room
chair, and telling them that under no circumstances
would I move. They just exchanged glances, and said
that they had contacted Cassidy and Jeffries...Brian
and Monique. I knew then that even they knew that he
wouldn't make it. They asked what had been said before
they arrived, and I told them. Monique and Brian
walked in just as I was finishing, both of them
breathless, saying they'd come as fast as they could.
I was glad that my fellow detectives were there,
though Brian was now in Narcotics and Monique in Vice.
But even so, I wanted to be alone. Tucking my knees to
my chest, I refused to look at any of them. That was
when I started to get more than upset; when Munch and
Fin threatened me with sedatives. I left then. And the
next thing I knew, I was back in the squad room...and
Munch was calling to say that Elliot was gone.
They're all back in the squad room with me, talking
in hushed voices. I wish they would just let me know
what they're really feeling. They don't need to hide
anything from me, all of us have known each other for
a long while. According to Munch and Fin, Kathy seemed
to take the news of her husband's death fairly well,
but I know better. It's Saturday morning, around 4:42
now. Maureen, Kathleen, Elizabeth and Dickie were
probably all awake and waiting. Elliot had told me
that he'd promised them he'd come home and take them
to do something. They must have started getting
worried when he didn't call and tell them that plans
had changed....that maybe they'd do something on
Sunday. And if they'd tried to call the squad room,
none of us knew about it. Then again, if they'd called
within the time vicinity of 11:45 and 12:45, none of
us were there to hear it. If Munch and Fin think that
Kathy took it well, then they are sorely mistaken. If
the kids really were awake, as I suspect they were,
she was just trying to hide her true emotions from
them...just like everyone's trying to hide them from
me right now. It's driving me insane. Do they think
that just because I was Elliot's partner that I can't
handle hearing what they have to say? Right now, more
than anything else in the world, I want to be treated
normally, not like the victims we come across every
day. Thunder can be heard outside, and I just saw a
flash of lightning, so I know that the weather is
worsening. It's still reflecting my mood perfectly.
None of the others seem to notice. I know that I need
someone right now, but I don't want to talk to them.
For once, John isn't being sarcastic and he isn't
spouting off his conspiracy theories. Fin's not
telling us some story about the streets that he
learned while he was in Narcotics. Brian's not so much
of a rookie anymore, but he looks completely lost,
just like he used to sometimes when he still worked
with us. Monique seems to be handling things well, but
the rest of us can tell she's just as upset as we are.
Quite honestly, all of this scares the living
daylights out of me. I wish things were normal right
now, as if Elliot were still here in the squad room
with us, trying not to fall asleep at his desk. But
things will never be normal again. In a few days, I'll
have another partner...one that will definitely be no
Elliot Stabler.
I find myself walking out of the squad room, amidst
the stares of the others. I know they want to know
where I'm going, but I can't tell them. Well...I
could, but I don't want to. This is something that I
need to do on my own, and I truly don't think that
they would ever understand. Then again, they might. If
one of them follows me down this hallway, I know full
well I'm going to have to tell them where I'm going
and what I'm going to do, and I can't do that. The
rain drenches me completely as I walk completely out
of the precinct, but I don't care. I jump slightly as
I hear thunder cracking in the distance. Lightning
flashes and I continue walking until I reach my
apartment, where I quickly change into dry clothes. I
sit in my living room in silence for a long while,
arguing with myself. One side of me says that I should
go and see Kathy Stabler, to let her know that the
unit would always be there for her and the kids...but
the other side says that I should leave well enough
alone. Some things aren't that hard to read, they're
just like an open book. And I know full well that she
thought Elliot was fooling around with me, though
there is definitely no truth to that rumor. If I go
there, I'm probably just going to be setting myself up
for failure. I want to talk to her, to tell her all of
the things that he told me...how much he hated working
late hours, how much he wished he could just stop
working in order to stay home with the kids. I know
all of those things, but she doesn't. When he told me
all of it, I asked if he'd ever said anything like
that to her, and he told me that he never had. If
anyone deserves to know that sort of thing, it's
Kathy...not me. I was just his partner, not his wife.
Thunder crashes again, and I find that I have risen to
my feet. I walk towards the front door, with something
akin to dread settling over me. It's not exactly dread
though...it's more like hesitation. I don't know who
will answer the door when I get to where I'm going; I
don't even know if they'll be home, but it's worth a
shot...at least to me. I know that if I don't get all
of this out of me tonight, it's going to bother me
until I do. The other detectives would probably say I
should wait for a while, to let the family have time
to sort things out, but I can't do that. They might
have been his family...but he was my family...the only
real figure I'd ever had to truly count on to be there
when I needed him.
I'm ringing the doorbell to a home that's all too
familiar before I know it, trying to control the
heated tears welling up in my eyes. It isn't going to
work. I thought that I had cried myself out in the
hospital waiting room, and in the squad room, but I
guess that I was wrong. For some reason, there are
always more tears when you least expect them,
especially after you've just lost someone that you
were close to. I don't remember crying this much a few
years back when the captain told me that my mother had
died. But then again, I wasn't exactly close to her.
Sure, I cried a little bit...but not like this. I can
hear footsteps on the other side, coming towards the
door...the lock turns and I find myself eye to eye
with Kathleen. Her eyes are red-rimmed and her face
tearstained...which only serves to confirm my
suspicions. She and her siblings had been awake when
Munch and Fin had come to their door with news of
their father's death. She asks what I'm doing there,
and I tell her that I've come to see her mother. At
that moment, the twins appear, staring at me intently,
wondering why I'd even bother to come. Elizabeth opens
her mouth to ask what Kathleen had asked just a few
seconds ago, but Dickie shakes his head at her and she
says nothing as the three of them move to admit me
inside. It's warm, just like I remember it being from
the first time I came here, but even if I hadn't ever
been there before, even if I hadn't known Elliot
before, I'd have been able to tell that something was
missing. Kathleen tells me that Maureen cried herself
to sleep about an hour ago; that the twins have been
awake all night, refusing to go to sleep, and that she
herself has only managed to stay awake on a rather
large quantity of coffee. Elizabeth tells me that
their mother is upstairs, locked in her bedroom, and
that she hasn't come out since Munch and Fin left. She
runs off as soon as she gives this information,
presumably to her room, and Dickie follows soon after.
Kathleen and I exchange silent glances. She seems to
understand somehow what I'm feeling, though she says
nothing.
The two of us hear footsteps on the stairs, and turn
to find Maureen standing there, her eyes narrowed in
suspicion. She lashes out at me verbally, asking why
it couldn't have been me declared dead at 2:22, why I
couldn't have been the one to get shot. Kathleen opens
her mouth to retort angrily, about to insist that none
of it was my fault, but before she can say anything,
I've lost it. I yell back at Maureen that I wish more
than anything that it had been me lying there on the
sidewalk, bleeding out. I tell her that if I could go
back in time, I'd have pushed him out of the way and
taken the bullet myself...I tell her that the other
detectives would have been the only ones to miss me
because I have no other family. I tell her that with
one bullet, someone managed to take away the only
person I'd ever truly counted on in this world, and by
the time I tell her this, I'm sobbing uncontrollably,
my words somewhat incoherent, but Maureen seemed to
understand what I was telling her. From the look on
her face, she didn't like any of it either, and was
about to say something else when Kathleen cut her off,
irritation and annoyance clearly evident in her voice.
Maureen walks off, and Kathleen scowls after her,
swearing angrily under her breath. She turns to face
me, the look on her face apologetic, and she opens her
mouth to apologize for what her older sister has said,
but I tell her not to worry about it. A look of relief
washes over her features, but not for long. She tells
me to follow her upstairs, so I can talk to Kathy, but
at the bottom of the stairs, I hesitate. This is what
I came here for, and I know it, but now I find myself
wanting to bolt right out the front door without
looking back. I find that my mouth is suddenly dry,
that I have no idea what on earth I'm supposed to say
to her. I can see the twins standing in the doorway of
Elizabeth's bedroom; and I know they heard the furious
dialogue that Maureen and I exchanged. They say
nothing though, and as Kathleen and I walk past them,
they retreat back inside, closing the door quickly
behind them.
Kathleen knocks on her parents' bedroom door, and it
opens slowly. Kathy stands there, looking first at her
second daughter, and then at me, before demanding to
know what I've come for. Kathleen leaves, obviously
not wanting to be the witness to another argument, but
I have no intentions of yelling at the woman I know my
partner has loved for most of his life. Elizabeth's
bedroom door opens again, once it's determined that
there will be no yelling, but the twins aren't
standing there in the doorway this time. Kathy asks
again what I think I'm doing here, and I tell her
everything, rarely pausing to catch my breath. I just
want to get this over with as soon as possible; I
don't want to have to prolong this any more than I
have to. It already hurts enough knowing that for all
the training I'd gone through, for all the situations
like this that I've been in, in this particular
situation, I froze, and the cost was someone's life.
She stares at me for a while, about five minutes after
I finish telling her everything that I thought she
should know. She asks me exactly what happened...how
Elliot was killed, and it's then that I start choking
up again, wanting to tell her, but unable to find the
words with which to do so. I'm completely lost, and I
know it. There isn't much I can do about it though.
Finally, I find the words to tell her what I know she
so desperately wants to know, and by the time I'm
finished, we're both crying again. She asks me if I'm
going to be all right, and I tell her that I will be.
Munch and Fin would probably both protest, claiming
that I'm lying. But I'm not. Sooner or later, I know
I'm going to be just fine, with or without my partner.
True, things would be better if he were here...but at
least I didn't lose John or Fin. They're still here
with me. I know they're going to be watching me for
the next couple of months, to make sure I don't do any
thing stupid, to make sure I don't fall. For that
matter, Brian and Monique will be doing the same. I'd
always thought that the Special Victims Unit was like
a family, and now I knew for sure that it was true.
All of this in just a few hours...my mind feels like
it's on overload, but I know that it's not. There are
few thoughts running through my head right now...ones
that I can't decipher, and I'm not going to try. The
funeral service will be held in a few days...and I
know that I'll be there. Elliot was my partner, for
God's sakes...it's the least I can do. That, and keep
the promise I made as he lay there dying in my arms.
As far as I'm concerned, I'll always be there to watch
over his family, and I'd hope that Munch and Fin would
aid me in that task. I have no doubts that they will.
They might not have been as close to him as I was, but
they were still his friends. I know that sooner or
later, all of us will get over the initial shock, but
that the pain will still be there. I'm outside
again...it's still raining, but not as heavily as it
was before. I take it as a sign that he's watching
everything...from wherever he happens to be. Maybe he
is, and maybe he isn't. I don't know. But if he is,
he'd better damn well know that he's left a lot of
people behind...a lot of people who are going to miss
him for every minute of the rest of our lives. And
he'd better know that no matter what, no one can take
his place in the unit...it'll always be open. I find
myself at home before I know it, somewhat at peace
with myself, though I know everything's going to start
over again the day the service is held. I can only
hope the weather will be nothing like this. A light is
on inside, and when I get there, I can find the others
waiting for me, with open arms.