Uuurngh…
Can you Shut up!?… This is the fifth time already… These chimes are like a sleigh to my ears…
…
‟Come on Noelle, you promised you'd help Carol out today! Don't you remember that good girls get up early? What will people think if they find out you lied to your m…
I can't even pretend to do it… I'm so tired… I didn't sleep a wink… This is worse than the time I chugged a six-pack of eggnog.
But she'll probably be super mad if I don't show up…
Mom, I can barely think. Actually, less than that… I couldn't move even if I wanted to… My fur is matted, I'm slick all over… I feel sick.
If anyone finds out I slept in… they're gonna think I'm irresponsible… I really just, just get up already!
…
Can I stay like this for a bit?
No, you'll be late.
But I'm… I'm…
…
This alarm's DRIVING ME UP THE WALL
THERE
… I can think again.
Even though, I'm still in bed…
Just… Just get up. I need to get up
This is my last chance, if I don't get up, I'll…
…
…
…my horns're buzzin, 'nd the mattress's so h'vy…
…Don't hate me mom, please…
It'll be just this once.
Let me sleep in…
…just this once.
…
This is his fault.
My head feels like a dodgeball. Darn. My eyelids are still heavy and I can barely think… I don't know if I didn't sleep enough or too much. It's already dark outside, what time is it? … Guess today's schedule is off…
Mom… didn't even call or send a text. I can't tell if it's because she's too mad or too busy to make the time…
Dess sent me a text. Asked how the date was… Thanks sis. I'll make it back up to you for helping me get ready.
…I really have to get out of bed, I'm hot and sweaty all over. Feels like I'm rusted in notches… Breakfast. Let's at least make some before I take the longest shower of my life.
Or is it lunch? … Whatever.
Did the floorboards always rattle this loud? And was it always this dusty? Even through the dark I can see it settle. And I just did winter cleaning.
let's eat some cereal.
So I can at least pretend I'm having a normal day… I'm happy no one's here to see this, they'd think I'm even worse than sis… maybe they're right.
milk… where'd I put it?
Sigh… people say I'm mature for my age too… me? I'm barely holding it together… Mom's amazing at her job, Dess is doing great in film school… and then there's Noelle, with her bells in a knot worrying about love.
on the side wall
And it's not that complicated or important. It won't… matter much, in the grand scheme of things. It's just a teenage fling, everyone has them. It's normal. I'm acting like a kid.
cornflakes in the top cabinet
But it's… it's like there's this hot weight around my leg. Whenever I try to take my attention off it, I feel it breathing down my neck. I can't escape it and even when I try, it's like it drags me back in immediately.
the box is missing? …oh
And I don't have the courage to talk to anyone about it… I can barely admit it to myself and it's painful when I do.
it's on the coffee table in the drawing room, where she left it
And whenever I try to seriously think about it, I get really guilty at myself. Like I'm betraying them by feeling this way… even though I know that sounds silly. It's not like…
and it's empty… Real classy, Dess
Susie never knew I liked her… and it's not like Kris knows she was my crush… and, if they knew they wouldn't stop being friends, obviously… but why do I have to untangle all of it… I'll just, I'll just somehow ruin it.
let's eat some sugarplum jelly on toast instead
Kris is… too much to handle at times. He's a human… and terrorized me for years. I've only thought of him as a friend or an idiot for as long as I remember… He's not my type. And he's a man! It's like… not in a thousand years would I have thought of it. He's the exact opposite of what I… thought…
bread, toaster, get the jelly
I want to believe I was blindsided… but in reality, I kept denying what I was seeing… I just thought, it'd stop and go away and we could go back to normal, well, our normal… but no, that's not how it turned out.
not here? oh, couldn't buy anymore since stores were closed, we still have some apricot jam left
I feel like… I'm betraying someone every time I let myself go along with him… It's like I've had this crush for years and then suddenly I'm making out with her best and only friend… I just imagine if she found out she'd…
knife… butter? too fat… don't forget to toast the bread
That's… silly. You know that's silly, Noelle… That's not it. It's almost like I'm fooling myself. It's kind of like… I'm not me suddenly, this isn't who I know I am. I know I shouldn't be doing it… but sometimes it feels like all the strings break off and I'm in free fall and it just doesn't matter…
…it's done, spread it even, wash the knife
But then… I reach the ground and reality hits and I just sit there limp and cracked and I hate myself. I just wish I could hate him instead. I know I should, but it's not his fault… He always hada one-track mind, just never imagined he'd set it on a girl… and on me of all monsters… If he wanted to force me, he already would've… He keeps giving me the choice and I, just—
… Wait, this bread's burnt! It's gosh darn charcoal! Did I toast it twice?! And I didn't even notice!? Gosh darn it, Noelle! You can't do anything right.
… Sigh.
I hoped it wouldn't come to this… But I think I'll have to… order pizza. Blergh.
…And get the emergency ice cream from the freezer… I wanted to save that until after exam season… well…
Sorry mom.
Sorry Noelle.
But let me take that shower first… I smell like wet deer.
I feel hot even against the water, and the tap can't go any lower… Why now of all times? Couldn't you ask this after admittance was over? He couldn't, obviously. I know that. I keep trying to be mad at him, it's just not working.
And, you know, I should be mad at him. I have more than enough reasons… He's forgetful, slow on the uptake, barely stays awake in class. He's an ass that only considers others' feelings when it's convenient for him. He's got it the best out of anyone, and I've never seen him thankful for any of it… And he's terrorized me so hard that I still have nightmares about it, and now heturns around and says I'm the love of his life?! When I think about it, I could hate hisguts!
But… it's like even if I want to, I can't be mad at him… Sigh… I really am too soft for my own good… It's— It's not just that. I wish I could just brush him off, like an old, stubborn stain, but… I can't. Kris is so different from how I remember him, he's not even that bad anymore… and I'm sorry that I can't be happy for him, because it makes everything so much harder on me…
Sometimes… I can almost peek behind that rug over his face… and stare at his baleful eyes and see him stop and catch himself… being on guard around me. I notice him trying to not be too mean or too rough or too sudden, like I'll run away if he's not careful. And he's probably right too. I am a bit… skittish, around him. I had thought everyone was scared of him on the down low, even as late as a few weeks ago… but now I see it's just me. And that's really horrible… I see his upper lip stiffen when I jump in fear, obviously, he doesn't mention it...
And I notice him changing day by day… at this rate, he may not even be an ass after enough time… would that even be Kris anymore? Pfahah. He'll always be Kris… just, at times it feels like he's two different people with how much he's changed. But that doesn't bother me, really… Even after all this time, I can tell it's still Kris, same as he's ever been… sensitive, fickle, mischievous, intense… Actually, I don't know if fickle's right anymore. He's so steadfast it's become a problem… Even Kris changed with time. And they say miracles only happen on Christmas.
Human boy Kris, young or old… always by my tail, or in my face. I can't believe sis was right and that'swhy he used to prank me. For how distant he used to be, he's sure grown attached as of late, and, well... I do like it, just that…
He really is annoyingly persistent. I think he's made a pact with the Angel or at least someone… every time I try to confess to Susie, he's there. And sometimes I swear he can read my mind, and just wants to play with me. On the last day of school, I had told myself I'd confess if it's the last thing I'd ever do… and I waited all day, heart in mouth, feeling that I'm gonna burst open like a pinata… When the day was finally over, I gathered up my courage, consequences be damned, I told myself, and then I was… dragged and dropped into another dimension. It's still hard to believe that that actually happened. Afterward me and Kris had a candle-lit dinner… And I was so taken aback that I accidentally had a great time. But, all that didn't stop me; I wanted to confess, darn it! I was so ready I felt like I was about to faint… Though, being so turned around, I barged into his room instead. And I saw a picture face down and… curiosity got the better of me. I peeked for a second, and I froze up. It was thatpicture… the one with us playing in the snow, the one I still have on my nightstand.
It was just like… for once, I understood how he felt. Sure… I saw him mope and everything, but he kind of always mopes, I could still brush it off, and I did… But when I saw that, I knew what it meant. And why it was face down… it was like… I felt both ashamed for not taking him seriously… and, just a bit… I felt flattered. I'm not used to being liked like that. People only appreciate the things I work hard at… my grades, work, fur… And I'm always happy when they do, obviously. But never just… never just liked for who I am… I really wanted to believe I was overthinking it, because nobody would—but, but it wasn't even there for me to see, he didn't set it up, it had to be real… I had no choice but to acknowledge… And that's when I finally realized how I may have been as insensitive as him… and then, just my luck: he finds me, and I felt like he'd be mad or try to ask me why I was there or… well, whatever I thought, he just told me Susie's room was next door, and let me go with a smile. Even though he knew. He didn't say anything, and I didn't even know what to feel. And then… No way I could confess after that, I entered Susie's room and I barely even remembered why I was there. I invited her to our Christmas party and that was about it.
And talking about Christmas, I don't even want to think about how I put my hoof in my mouth on thatone, gosh… What was I thinking?
I remember looking down at him and seeing only a fluff of hair and two pink horns. No wonder Dess called him Imp… Now, he's tall enough where I can spot the two red dots glow through his hair, staring squarely at me… sometimes, it's like he's even taller than me. And I think he's gotten even warmer with age. Whenever he touches me, I feel like it's hot enough to leave a mark. When his face is next to mine, it's like my head's next to an open furnace on full blast. It's hard to breathe when he's around, he's just too much sometimes… and I know how much he forces himself to be delicate with me… he's so strong, I feel like trying to fight him would be like batting at a statue. He's so strong, he could force me to…
Stop that. You're doing it again. He's shown me he never would. I know he gets serious when it matters, just like Asriel. He's not that bad, if I were to compare him with the other boys, which I don't do, but if I would… He should open his face up a bit more, he doesn't look that bad… it's not like he needs a bag over his head. He's… handsome enough. And he's funny even when he doesn't try to be, he's good company, and I enjoy being with him more than… close to anyone… And, worst of all, he really likes me… hard enough that it's surreal. Kris, the town recluse, likes someone. Not just someone, but a girl. And that girl is me. Not Susie, not any other, better option. Not even my sister or mom, who are way taller, prettier, and, bustier… no, he likes me… Actually, that's not right, the word he used was ‟love". First time he's probably said that… He loves his brother more than anything in the world, and he only said he ‟likes him". If that's only like, then… He's not getting tired of me anytime soon, is he? Whatever I would do, wherever I'd go… however long we last, he'd still like me? Unconditionally? It's hard to believe. Seems like a fairy tale. Stop blushing, you made it up. That's not the kind of stuff that happens in real life, good things only come after you work for them… Unless, he's the one working and I'm the good th—
Aaaaaghhh I'm doing it again! I'm not into him! Why would I like Kris?! I don't want to feel like this… He's… He's so…
This is why I can barely sleep at night.
Tap's off… My hair's clean but my head's even more congested than before… It's like the longer I think about this the more daunting it gets… Like I'm jumping into darkness, I don't even know where the ground is, I don't want to find out. It's agonizing. I'm gonna lose my baubles if I keep on like this. Even if I feel my stomach rocketing, and I'm afraid because I have no idea what'll happen from now on… I need to figure it out. I can't keep dancing around it like this. Maybe I'm just too stubborn to see it. Maybe I even… I can't say it. I can't. Even though you kissed him? Shut up. It's still weird. Somehow. I'm sorry. Should it be? Is it his fault? Is it mine? Who else's but mine? I'm sorry.
Sigh…
I wish dad was here.