Chapter 7: Tara

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Spike woke when the front door slammed shut. Disoriented, he sat upright and looked around him.

"Wha'?"

"Oh! Hey, Spike, s-sorry for waking you, it's just me."

"Oh... 'ello, Tara, good mornin'."

She laughed. "More like good afternoon. Hang on, lemme go set my stuff down. I'll be right back."

Tara nearly ran into Buffy, who was racing down the stairs.

"Buffy! Is something wrong?"

"Did I hear Spike?"

"Yeah, I woke him up..." Tara trailed off as Buffy pushed on past her. 'Hmmm... wonder what that's about...'

After putting her things away, Tara came back down to the sounds of an argument.

"... bloody hell, Buffy! You thought I was gonna eat the wicca?!"

"I told you, I can't -"

Their squabbling stopped as they saw Tara enter the room.

"Umm... hey, guys," she said uncomfortably, feeling the heavy tension in the room.

"Hey, Tara, sorry 'bout this," Buffy said.

"It's ok, B-Buffy, really... but..." she took a deep breath, gathering up her courage, and looking Buffy right in the eye. "I d-don't think he would hurt me."

Spike's head shot up sharply and he eyed the witch for a moment, as if unable to believe what he'd heard. Tara had expected him to perhaps insist that he was still evil, or gloat to Buffy ('see, she trusts me!'); however, he did neither. Instead, he softly smiled and said sincerely, "Thanks, Glinda. Means a lot."

She smiled back. "You're welcome."

Buffy was flabbergasted. She wasn't even certain that 'flabbergasted' was a real word (it sounded like a Willow word), but that's definitely what she was. She had absolutely no clue how to respond to Tara's statement.

Thankfully, the Wicca seemed to sense this. "I'm a little hungry. Spike, want to come get a snack with me?"

Another real smile. "Sure thing, luv."

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Buffy slowly wandered out to get the mail, needing some time to think.

Had she really expected to come downstairs and find Spike chewing on Tara? No, not really. Rationally, she was aware that was unlikely - disregarding whether Spike would eat people if given the choice, he wouldn't eat someone while she was near, he just wasn't that stupid. On the other hand, she was terrified of a repeat of Angelus. The Slayer had had a chance to kill Angelus, but she'd hesitated. That hesitation had led to so many deaths... not the least of which was Jenny Calendar's.

But there was a difference between then and now. Well, there were a multitude of differences. One, however, was that back then she had known that Angelus was killing and would continue to do so. In this instance, with Spike, it was only that she thought he might murder. Now, there was at least a chance that he wouldn't... right? And she hadn't been lying when she told Spike that she wanted to believe and trust him.

With Angelus, Buffy had too many emotions affecting her to make good decisions. She would firmly deny that she had any sort of positive emotions whatsoever with regards to Spike; however, a very small part of her admitted that wasn't true. She didn't love him - oh, no, her psyche was quick to shy away from that dreaded word - but she did feel something for him. What if that something was affecting her better judgment?

On the other hand - and how many hands was she up to by now? - Tara had expressed trust in Spike, at least with regards to herself, and if there was anyone Buffy knew with good judgment, it was Tara.

'Argh! This is driving me insane! I can't wait till we get that spell done. Then I won't have to worry about this.'

As long as she could keep putting off making a real decision as to whether she trusted Spike, she'd be fine. Really.

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When Buffy came back inside, she heard Tara... giggling? No, that couldn't be right, Tara wasn't really a giggler, except maybe with Willow.

But as she peeked into the kitchen, Buffy saw that she'd been right the first time - Tara was giggling. No, actually, she was full out laughing, laughing so hard that tears were coming to her eyes.

"... so then Dru said, "It's the cucumbers!"

Spike was grinning, enjoying his time with the girl. He hadn't had much of a chance to be with her, except occasionally after Buffy's death, and he'd hardly been in a joking mood, then.

He spotted Buffy, and the grin fell away from his face. "Any interestin' mail, pet?"

As Tara became aware of Buffy's presence, she, too, straightened up and attempted to control her giggles.

Buffy suddenly realized she hated the effect she had on them. Why couldn't she be sitting, laughing with her friends? It wasn't fair!

'Yeah, but it's your fault,' she bitterly reminded herself. 'Maybe if you let yourself see Spike as at least a friend... but no, he's right, you just use him as a body to tell all your problems to... my God, what the hell is wrong with me? I can't stand my friends, and only want to be near my mortal enemy, who I say I can't stand!'

Tara and Spike exchanged puzzled glances as Buffy didn't answer; instead, she seemed to be thinking about something, and had a very confused and distressed look on her face.

"Um, Buffy?" Tara said softly. "You ok?"

After another moment, Buffy looked up at the two.

"No!" she choked out with a sob. Before either could react, she'd turned tail and fled up to her room, leaving the mail scattered on the floor behind her.

"Stay here," Tara told Spike as she raced after Buffy.

Tara slowed as she neared Buffy's bedroom. The door was shut, and she could hear sobbing coming from within. She knocked lightly, and, when no answer was forthcoming, slowly opened the door.

"Buffy?"

The Slayer didn't respond. Tara gingerly sat next to the weeping Slayer, who had curled herself into a ball. Gently, Tara stroked Buffy's long hair, crooning to the girl in an attempt to calm her. Tara's presence soon soothed Buffy, and her cries died down.

"Buffy?" Tara whispered. "Can you talk to me?"

At first, the Slayer shook her head, but then changed her mind. Buffy kept her face in her pillow, muffling her voice so much as to make her almost unintelligible. "I... I'm wrong! So wrong, oh Tara, I'm so wrong..."

"Shhh, shh, Buffy, it's ok, you're not wrong. You're human, we know that, the spell went fine."

"No! Something's wrong. I feel wrong, I can't stand it here, I have nightmares -"

"Buffy, listen, I think there's a fairly simple psychological explanation for all of this. It's called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's no wonder you're suffering from it after being t-t-tormented in h-hell!"

"You don't understand!" Buffy wailed.

"What don't I understand?"

Buffy remained silent.

"Tell her, Slayer," Spike demanded in a hard voice.

Tara looked up at him. Not surprisingly, he hadn't listened to her earlier when she asked him to stay put.

Spike repeated himself. "Buffy, tell her! Either you tell her, or I will," he threatened.

Buffy sat up and looked up at him, defiance written on her tear-streaked face. Her stubbornness lasted only a moment before fading away, to be replaced with a very weary expression.

"Fine," she acquiesced. "I will."

Spike looked doubtful

"I will " she repeated more firmly. "But... could you go downstairs or something?"

Reluctantly, Spike nodded. He left, shutting the door behind him.

"Ok, Buffy, take some deep breaths," Tara encouraged her, handing over some tissues. Buffy did so, and mopped up her tears with the tissues.

Tara continued, "Good, that's right... now, do you think you can tell me what Spike was talking about?"

The Slayer nodded. "I... oh God, this is hard." She looked down at her hands, wringing them nervously.

"It's ok, Buffy, take your time."

"I wasn't in hell."

Tara tried to hide her surprise at this revelation. "Where were you, then?"

"I... well, I don't know for sure. I mean, I don't know much about... about theology, or different dimensions, or-"

"Buffy," Tara interrupted her nervous babbling. "Just tell me, please."

"I... I think I was in...." she took a deep breath. "...in Heaven."

It took a moment for that to sink in. Once it did... "Oh Goddess!!" Tara exclaimed, horrified. The knowledge of what they'd done... they hadn't saved her at all! No, they'd ripped her from Heaven!

Now that she'd begun, Buffy let it all pour out. "Oh, Tara, I was finished! Complete. I knew everyone I loved was safe. I was warm, I was loved... and, now.... everything's harsh and cold... this, this is Hell. I live in Hell."

Buffy broke down again.

'Oh Goddess, what have we done?' Tara's mind shrieked. Her guilt threatened to overwhelm her. Ruthlessly, she shoved that down. Her priority right now had to be Buffy, not her own feelings.

She took a few deep, slow breaths. "Let's talk, ok?"

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A half hour or so later, Tara came down to the living room where Spike had been pacing.

"Well?" he demanded roughly, concerned

"She told me... Oh, Goddess, she told me what we did..." Once again, Tara reminded herself sternly that her own guilt would have to wait. "I think she'll be all right. It's just going to take time, and the support of her friends and family."

"She agree to tell them?"

Sadly, Tara shook her head. "No, I couldn't convince her. She said maybe after we'd dealt with, um... your current status, she'd be willing to think about it. I think that's the best we'll get from her right now."

"She still bawlin'?"

"No, I put a minor sleep spell on her... from now on, I'll give her some special tea to help her sleep at night. She told me about the nightmares."

Spike nodded. She'd mentioned those to him, as well.

"Buffy also mentioned that... that you'd been a good f-friend to her since she came back... and that she's s-sorry she hasn't treated you better."

Spike raised a scarred eyebrow at Tara. She wasn't very good with the deceiving. "I'm guessin' she didn't say that, exactly?"

"N-not in so many words, no... but what she said was along those lines."

Tara looked away from Spike. He knew she was still hiding something, but decided not to press her any more. She'd been a good friend to him so far, and hopefully would continue to be one. He could use all the allies he could get, especially with the impending meeting with Angel's group coming up.

"I need to get back to the Magic Store, I promised Anya I'd help with some herb sorting. Call if you need anything."

Spike nodded. "Will do, Glinda."

Just as she was about to leave, Spike spoke again. "Thanks... for helpin' with her. It's... well, it's good not to be the only one who knows."

Tara nodded, understanding what he meant. With a small smile and a wave, she headed off.

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A/N: Ta-dah! Another chapter. Sorry 'bout all the talking, but it's necessary.

Up until now, I've been writing ahead of updating - i.e. when I've updated, I've already had the next chapter partly written or entirely written. But I'm at the end of my writing, currently, so the next chapter make take a little while... I'm going back to school in a few weeks, so everything will have to be done by then.

And yes, Spike probably will sing for Lorne!

Thank you all again for the reviews, they really inspire me to write! :o)