AN: This is a one shot. It started out as an alternate beginning to one of my other stories, Survival, but it has a different feeling to me now. Lyrics by Dog's Eye View.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything OC related.

You are not the captain of this ship,
you are just a passenger
you've spent so many years just floating around,
it's time to learn what you can live with and what you can't live without.

Teresa told me last night that she'd lost the baby. She'd known about it for a few days. It'd happened while I was at work. I fix cars at a garage a few streets over. I'm not sure what she expected me to say. So I didn't say anything. She'd started to cry and I'd held her but I didn't say anything.

What do you say to a woman that just lost her child? I'm sorry just didn't seem right. I knew Teresa would be a good mother, she's perfect for a mother, but the baby had died.

She'd whispered that something was wrong with her. Medically. That she would never be able to carry a baby to full term.

She'd whispered that it'd happened before. Twice. She'd lost one of Eddie's babies before. And she'd lost one of mine.

I didn't know. I never knew that she'd gotten pregnant by me before. She'd never said anything.

I guess she wouldn't. We've never dated, we've just always been together. We never considered it cheating if we saw each other. We've always had a no-strings sexual relationship.

But this was the third child she'd lost.

I couldn't mourn the loss of this child without mourning the loss of the other one.

It didn't change anything. I'd promised her that I'd stand by her and I would. Child or no child. I didn't have anywhere else to go. Not anymore.

I've called the Cohens every day since I've been here with her. One month. Thirty one phone calls.

And every one ended the same way. "Not right now, Ryan, it's not a good time. Soon." Every time I've offered to come and visit, they'd said no. Sandy had said he was too tired. Kirsten had meetings every night. And Seth hadn't spoken to me at all. Seth hadn't called or come on the line. I know that he resents me for leaving. But I didn't have any other choice. I hoped that he'd understand. But obviously he doesn't.

I have to move on. Teresa loves me. I'm committed to her. Marissa stopped answering my calls the second week after my leaving. I'm committed to Teresa now. I'll never leave her.

She's lost two of my children. I won't leave her.

When I unlock the door to our small apartment, she's on the couch again. It doesn't look like she's moved at all since I left. I sit down beside her and put my arm around her. She relaxes against me, kissing me softly.

"Hey."

"Hey. How was your day?"

"Too long. Did you go out?"

She shakes her head. "I have to work tomorrow. But today…I just wanted to stay in."

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah. I'll be all right."

I have to believe her. We're all we have left now. Teresa's mother had died a week after we'd moved back. Heart attack. She'd dropped dead right in front of us and both of us had struggled to revive her. But CPR didn't work. Her heart was just too tired.

Teresa and I are alone now. We only have each other. It is all we'd need.

He's quiet again. Well, it's Ryan, so he's always quiet. But ever since I told him about the baby, it seems like he's forgotten how to speak.

I hated to tell him. He's been working so hard, saving so desperately so he could support this baby.

I should have told him at the very beginning that it could be like this.

The doctors told me the first time that something was wrong. They'd said that the best chance I'd have to have children would be before I turned twenty-one. Fuck them all. They didn't know anything and I'd been convinced to prove them wrong. I'd loved Eddie, I'd wanted his child back then and I'd lost it. And when I found out I was pregnant again, with Ryan's kid, I'd really wanted it. I wanted a child. I'm not smart like Ryan, I'm not beautiful, but I would be a damned good mother. I know it.

But I'd lost it again. And I know that I'm not strong enough to do it again. I just couldn't take it.

But at least I'd done this before. Ryan hasn't. He barely speaks to anyone anymore. He's always been able to talk to me, but he can't even force himself to do that.

I can't blame him. He finally had a good life, he finally had a chance and I'd taken it all from him. He keeps saying that it was his choice, it was his decision but we both know better. Ryan would do anything for the people he cares about. He would do anything for me and he did. He walked away from a loving family to help me.

And now I had nothing to give him.

The Cohens, they seemed to really care about him but I'd heard him on the phone. He'd speak quietly but I could tell by his face that it was eating him alive. His friend, Seth, the guy he'd considered a brother, hadn't even spoken to him since he'd come with me. And Sandy and Kirsten seemed to be avoiding him. I'd thought better of them. He doesn't deserve to be abandoned again. I'd thought they'd stick with him but every time he'd hung up the phone, I knew that they'd told him that it wasn't a good time again. It seemed like there'd never be a good time for him to come visit.

All I could do was be his friend. It was back to the old days, when the only people we could depend on was each other.

I wouldn't let him down. He was my rock and I would be his, too. Together, we'd make it through this.

We were strong. Ryan had made me strong. I wouldn't let him break.

I feel like I'm dying here, but I don't know what I need.
It's killing me to be here, and it would kill me to leave.