Title: This is Our Life

Author: Snowprincess

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Go bug someone that does.

Summary: This time we switch to Luka's POV. . .

Author's note: You need to read This is My Life in order to understand this story. It takes place somewhere in season 8 after Secrets and Lies and ignores everything after. Other than that, don't expect much out of me until I get back into the school swing. : (

After standing there for a few awkward moments, I decide that it is my time to exit. I clear my throat, "I'll let you get some rest." I reach for the door handle and pull it open, but hear my name called before I leave.

"Thank you."

I nod slightly and watch as she closes her eyes again. She looks absolutely exhausted, and I feel sorry for her. She's been pulling doubles for a long time now, coming in when I get off and not leaving until I get on again. She told me tonight that she has to pull a triple and no one can cover for her. I want her to just go home and sleep, but she has responsibilities that she refuses to pass on, even for a day. And it doesn't help that this morning she came in with a sprained ankle, then insisted on walking on it. The ice I put on it a few minutes ago probably isn't helping much at this point.

The problem comes down to the fact that Abby is just way too stubborn. I wish she would just let herself rely on someone else for a while, even if it's not me. Instead, she just insists on being independent and doing things on her own. I shake my head and finally leave the lounge and make my way to the desk. "Frank, Abby's crashed in the lounge. Can you tell everyone to keep it quiet?"

"Sure thing," he tells me. . . Maybe I should put up a post it note or something instead. Whatever, as much as I would like to let her sleep, she won't be able to past six anyway.

I grab the chart off the counter and see that it's the ralphing man that she had talked about earlier. I check on him and make sure the compozine is working, but I can't do much more until the labs get back. Suddenly I hear the shouts of paramedics and run out into the hallway. Dr. Chen is already there and assessing a man who is screaming his head off and trying to fight the restraints. "What have we got?"

She looks up at me and then back at the patient, still trying to calm him. "Twenty-five year old stabbing victim, found by his friend in their dorm. No LOC, pulse is 140. . . " I listen to the vitals as we maneuver into Trauma One. It doesn't take long for us to treat him. Nothing serious was hit and he was stable quickly. After paging surgery and instructing Chen to stay with him until they show I head back to admit. "Frank, have any of my labs come back?"

"Do I look like I know that?" I roll my eyes and he sighs before grabbing a stack of x-rays from under a pile of junk. I'll never understand his filing system. . . I don't think he does even. "These came back before you got on but no one claimed them."

"Thanks. . ." I pull them out and take a look. The patient in Four has a broken collar bone. . . The woman in Three just has whiplash. . . Hmm, I think I'll take the whiplash first.

I look at the lounge again. I wonder how Abby's doing; the couch isn't exactly comfortable and the ankle probably doesn't feel any better. What am I doing? I don't have to worry about her anymore, and she doesn't expect me to. So why am I treating her as if we were still dating? Bah, I don't have time to think about this. Not while the board still needs to be cleared for the night.

At around two I head back to admit after clearing my share of patients. I suddenly remember what Abby said at the sexual harassment class. "You guys see what 30, 40 patients a day. . . You don't get to hold a little kid's hand or teach a mother how to nurse. I see maybe 10-12 patients a day. . . and I'm not running around all day trying to clear the board."

There is some truth to that now that I think on it. Besides of the names of the patients I've just seen, I have no clue as to what's going on in their lives outside of medical importance. Sometimes as a doctor I get a patient that I become connected to, but that is always few and far between. Mostly it's Kerry's "treat and street" to clear the board as fast as possible. I kind of miss connecting to people on a more personal level. I haven't had the time since I was a med student and listened to every complaint about a patient's life because I didn't know how to filter out the real complaints from the every day groans and problems.

She was right. I understand what she had been trying to tell me when I pressured her about med school. She was getting more fulfillment in her life as a nurse, and saw no reason to change what she was doing for the time being. She never said she wouldn't go back, just that being a nurse was what she wanted. . . And I couldn't listen beyond the now. Abby had to go back to med school now. . . We had to deal with our problems now. . . I'm breaking up with her now. . .

I shake my head and try to forget about it. I look towards the lounge and decide that coffee is in my best interest. I rub the back of my neck and sigh before opening the door and going straight to the coffee. . . Or not. It's gone, and I learned long ago not to make it myself or the curse will hit me. Abby doesn't seem like she's moved at all, her breathing telling me that she's in a deep sleep. I haven't watched her sleep in a long time. Not since the night before we broke up. . .

Why do I keep thinking back to that night? I don't want to remember what I said and did; it was so unlike me to just come out and shout every negative emotion that I hold. But God, she's beautiful just lying there. My words come back to me then, again from that horrible night, "You're not that pretty; you're not that special." Could I have been any more of a jerk? And yet I can recall telling her that she had a bug up her anus. . .

Just watching her now brings back to me every night that I would sit in bed and watch her then. I used to not touch her then because it would almost seem wrong to disturb the way she looked, even slightly. Now, I can't touch her because I don't have that privilege anymore. Things have changed; we've changed, and I do not think that we will get a second chance. . . That I will get a second chance. . .

I left the opportunity there. I left myself open and waited to see if she would come back, but she didn't. She moved on without me, and I forced myself to move on without her. Of course, that didn't turn out well either. Things with Nicole, I, I never meant for them to go as far as they did. And I know something happened that Abby won't tell me about, something that has to do with why she left, and I don't think it has to do with her fabricated child. It ended up being a chapter in my life I would be better off forgetting entirely.

I know Abby still cares about me though. She wouldn't have listened to me and my conversations about Nicole otherwise. She seemed different after we went our ways, almost more. . . wise?. I think being by herself helped her solidify who she was with herself and helped her grow a little bit, move past some of those demons. I wonder if she would have been able to handle them on her own before. Did I hold her back from growing? Did I keep her locked away as what I knew her as than what she needed to become? That's never what I would want for her; I want her to be happy.

She retreated into herself after Brian attacked her. I remember taking the ambulance call that said a rig would be pulling up with a woman who had been assaulted in her apartment, LOC, blood loss, possible nose fracture. . . I never thought for a moment that it would be Abby coming in, becoming another ER statistic. But she had come in, defiant and giving the "I'm fine" act down to the Tylenol for the pain, and through the bloodstains and the swelling I recognized her immediately, and I can still feel the ache. And, much to my surprise, the possessiveness. Who would dare attack my Abby? Why wasn't I there to protect her?

But I cannot lie to myself. She isn't mine anymore and I wasn't there because I chose not to be. That was the decision I made when I ended it: to not be there anymore when she needed me. So, in a way, it's as much my fault as Brian's for her getting hurt. His for doing it to her, and mine for allowing it to happen. Somehow, it had made me beating the man up a lot harder than it should have been. I wanted him to hit me back- I needed to feel the pain that Abby was feeling; it should have been mine in the first place.

I sigh and glance at her once more before leaving the lounge again and going outside. The bench sits there, inviting me to come sit. The cold air feels nice although I can see my breath. After living her for a while I am fully aware that snow in April is a likely possibility. But wasn't it down pouring earlier? My head feels heavy and I rest it and my arms on my knees.

"Took you long enough." I shoot up and see that it's only Carter, fully dressed for the weather, although his nose doesn't match his face colorwise at this point. What is he talking about? Luckily for me, he begins to explain himself. "I've been waiting for you to come outside for hours now."

"Sorry to keep you waiting," I offer before resting again. I hear him sit down beside me and lean back. "Was there something you wanted?"

"Too busy watching her?"

I look at him in confusion before realizing who he's talking about. Wait. . . "How-"

"The lounge does have windows you know." Oh. He sighs and I can tell he has something big on his mind. "I know you have every reason to hate me, and that you probably blame me for what happened between you and Abby."

"Carter-"

His gloved hands go up in protest. "No, no, let me finish. I know that I didn't make things any easier between the two of you, and that you and I don't have the best history because of it. But I want you to know that Abby never wanted me, she just kept coming to me because she didn't know how to or was scared to talk to you. There's a lot about her that you don't know."

"And you do?" I can't help but be pessimistic at his speech. The better part of me knows that it's true.

"Luka, she wanted to open up to you, she just didn't know how. She needed someone to whom she could talk with without worrying. I needed the same thing. We were close friends because of it." Where is he going with this? "And I think you should know that she thinks you don't love her."

I'm about ready to start screaming at him that he's wrong about everything, but then he stops me with two words, "Tell her." I'm not stupid; he's telling me to prove her wrong. But why? I know he has feelings for her.

I think I was quiet for too long because he stands up and leaves. "Carter," I call. He turns around at the sidewalk and I just give him a look that I hope conveys everything: I don't hate or blame you. He just nods and turns back and heads for the El.

This is too confusing. . . Augh. I told her to go to him, and now he's telling me to go to her. I feel like I am on one of those merry-go-rounds that I've seen at carnivals since I've been here. I just keep going around in circles, never stopping. I want to stop going in circles, and now Carter is trying to push me off before the ride stops.

I don't get to think on this more before an ambulance pulls up. Actually, I welcome the distraction at this point and focus all my mind on the patient in front of me. Another hour later I'm covered in blood and watching surgery take him upstairs. After stripping off my suit shirt and leaving on my undershirt and lab coat, I take my chart into the hall and finish writing all the necessary information before signing off on it and dropping it into the rack at admit. "Dr. Kovac, red or black?"

What are you talking about Randi? "What?"

"What color do you think looks best on me?"

I'm really confused. "Why does it matter?"

"I've got a date."

Oh. That's nice. "Uh. . . I'll get back to you." I grab three charts, something to keep me busy enough to avoid her questions long enough for her to forget or bother someone else. I glance at my watch and realize that Abby has been asleep for more than 5 hours now. Kerry starts earlier today and if I don't wake her up soon she'll get in trouble. I make a U-Turn and head for the lounge.

She still hasn't moved and I notice that the cloth and pillow are soaking wet beneath her ankle. I carefully unwrap her ankle and place the cloth in the sink to dry before kneeling next to her. I begin to whisper her name and gently shake her shoulder. "Abby," I call again. She moans slightly and I smile; she was always a heavy sleeper, even if it was just taking a nap. "You have to get up now."

"5 more minutes. . ?" She sounds like she's trying to dodge school with that voice.

I however, hold the magic words. "Not unless you want Kerry to see you."

Her eyes have never opened faster. She glares at me and mumbles something about being cruel. I stand up and allow her to take the time to get her bearings. "Ugh, what time is it?"

I glance at the clock. "Almost five." I can tell she wants nothing more than to throw a pillow at me and go back to sleep, but instead she stands and begins to limp around. "How's your ankle?"

"Chilly."

I kick at the ground and rub my neck for a moment. I want to say something more, but I'm feeling nervous. I can't believe it. I dated her for over a year, and I feel the same way I did on our first date. "Abby I. . ." She looks up at me and I can't find the words to say anything more. I can tell that she's getting curious. I stutter a few times on my last word and she asks me if I'm ok. Yeah I'm fine, if you don't count the racing heart. "Um, I-"

The door opens and Kerry walks in, spouting a cheerful "Good morning." There goes that. I tell Abby I'll catch up with her later and leave before Kerry forces me to do early rounds. I'm off in an hour anyway, so I'll try to talk to her then if we don't get too busy. Maybe I'll convince Kerry that Abby needs a break to get food.

I feel like I am a child trying to win the teacher's favor, because I find myself clearing the board on a level that would impress Kerry. Not that there's much left at this time of the night, just the stragglers and the drunks, but I manage to cut that number nearly in half. By the time I'm signing my patients off to Kerry, she sounds like a proud parent and I just handed her a report card. It's time to put my groove on. . . I'll never understand these American sayings. I think she understood what I wanted though, and told me I had to get her back in half an hour. Thank you for restricting how long I have to get over my stage fright Kerry.

I find Abby in one of the exam rooms, checking on one of the banana bag frequent fliers while trying to dodge his wandering hands. I think nothing of this, since sometimes this one is so drunk he doesn't care who he's trying to grope. . . just trust me on that one. I call her name and motion for her to meet me in the hall.

"What's up?"

"Ah, I was just wondering when was the last time you ate?"

She shrugs at me and acts like it's not a big deal. "Yesterday, lunch I think."

I touch her shoulder and we begin to walk down the hall. "C'mon. I'll take you to Doc Magoo's for some breakfast."

"I'm on call." I make a mental note to make sure she takes some more Tylenol since she won't have anything else. His limp isn't as noticeable, but I can tell she's favoring the other leg.

"Kerry said we have half an hour."

She's smiling, another thing I love to see her doing. . . Think Kovac, think about something else. "Ohh. Asking the principal if the students can play hookey?"

I put my hands in my pockets and follow her out the door. "Yep, and I was threatened with detention if I don't have you back on time."

We chat about random things that I'm not really paying attention to as we enter the diner. At this time of the night, we have what we want almost instantly: coffee and cheap breakfast food. I watch as she sips her coffee before leaning back and closing her eyes. "You still tired?"

"How could I not be? Especially after your nice wake up call."

I smile and mutter my apologies. I notice that she's still stuffy from earlier. "How's the cold?"

"It's not a cold," she grumbles at me. "I just have the sniffles." I can't help it; I start laughing. "What?!"

"Nothing." We sit for a few minutes and finish our food and coffee. We still have some time left. "Feel like a walk?"

"To where?"

I shrug. I have no clue. It's not like we can go far and I can't waste all my time walking. If I don't tell her before we go back, I probably never will. "Let's just walk. . ."

She nods and stands. I leave money on the table before she can even reach into her pocket and almost push her out the door. "What's the rush?"

"What rush?" Playing dumb doesn't suit me, I'm beginning to think. Both of us just smile and start walking in the opposite direction down the street from the El. I am trying to find something interesting to say, but I'm just drawing a blank. I can tell she's waiting for me to do or say something, but I don't have a clue as where to start.

I'm staring down the dark street, slowly lighting up to the coming dawn, it's light blocked slightly by the tall city buildings. There aren't many people out, but the morning crowd is starting to make its way out. I watch as a man runs down the street and towards a coming taxi, and then debate with an equally rushed woman over who should get it. Then they both just give in and share the cab, rounding the street corner and out of sight. Suddenly I hear my name called. Abby is staring at me and I think about ready to start shaking me out of my daze. I look at her to show her it isn't necessary. "Are you ok?"

I nod slightly before stopping in the middle of the sidewalk and turn towards her. "I. . I wanted to talk to you about something."

She's looking at me, confused. I look into her eyes and feel my stomach drop. I've never been on a roller coaster, but I would imagine that the feeling would be the same. Like falling off a building, only you are guided by a track. Now I feel as if I'm flying off a building with nothing to catch me. At least I do have the reassurance that Abby does have feelings for me, considering that if she didn't, I don't think Carter would have told me to tell her how I feel.

"Abby I. . ." Why am I so nervous? Augh. Fine, I'm done-- I was never good with speeches anyway. I lean down and press my lips against hers, enjoying the familiar feeling and softness that belong only to her. I pull back and try to gauge her face. Is she angry?

"Luka. . ."

I think she didn't want me to do that. I'm about ready to apologize when I feel her lips against me again. I sigh and bring my hands up to cup her face. I feel her arms wrap around my neck and I bend my knees a little to ease the height difference a bit. I pull away slightly and rub my nose against hers and whisper, "I love you." It's all I need to say right now, and I don't want to think about anything else.

She's running her hands through my hair. "Luka," she sighs to me and kisses me again. "I love you too." I can't help but smile and return the kiss with everything I have.

I don't know how long we just stood there, but we were jolted out of our embrace by a honking horn and a whistle. I look at my watch and realize that we have just under five minutes to get back to the hospital. I wasn't kidding when I said that I had half an hour you know. "C'mon!" I grab her hand and begin running back the way we came. She's sprinting to keep up with me and I slow down slightly.

The activity inside has picked up slightly since we left and when we enter, Kerry is yelling at Jerry for a reason I probably can't fathom. My watch says we had a minute to spare, so I decide to use it. At the front desk I stop and watch as Abby tries to catch her breath. I suppose me kissing her at this moment didn't help. I wrap my arms around her waist and lift her off the floor so I don't have to bend. I want to do more, but I hear that Kerry is done yelling and is ready to start aiming at me. I put Abby down. "When are you off?"

"As soon as I train the new nurse."

"Will you come over?" There are so many things I want to do and say right now, but mostly I just want to hold her forever and lock lips again and again.

She nods and I kiss her one more time before going into the lounge to get my stuff. When I come out she's still standing there, and I can't help but go back to her. I hug her quickly and tell her I love her again before exiting. I don't want to get her in trouble with Kerry for inappropriate work behavior. So I'll just have to patiently wait until tonight. We have a lot to talk about still, but just knowing how she feels will make it work, I just know it.

The sun is out and it's a beautiful day.

END

Yea I know this story seems more rushed and probably not what you would have wanted, but I just wanted to be done before I lost any interest whatsoever. But yea I like reviews. . . hint hint.

Snow