Thomasina Hatzilakos, Miss Hatzilako's niece, ran to the Montana field. She was too busy being all hip and edgy to get to school on time, so she missed the bus. Thomasina had a dark spirit. She was very unique. Oh yes, very unique. I mean, she wore boots and everything!
"Hi, guys! I'm the new girl," she said, smiling. Thomasina immediately walked over to Ashley's camp and glared at Craig with the rest of them. "I'm in love with you Craig. Grrr. Must keep up appearance to please Ashley Kerwin."
"Hey aren't you from second grade?" Spinner asked.
"Yes I moved to California where all the cool mysterious new kids are mysteriously from and now I'm back all cool and mysteriously. Don't you think I'm hot? I mean, I've got hair now. HATE YOU CRAIG."
"Dude, what the fuck are you doing?" Craig asked.
"Dude, she's an idiot."
Ashley and Paige looked at each other and nodded. They set he new girl's hair on fire with the burning hat embers.
"Bitch, no one likes that new girl crap."
"But you haven't met my friend Mary Sue!"
"Mary Sue? Is that the girl who plans to be beautiful and perfect in every way, sending myself and Hazel into a downward spiral of jealousy and cruelty but then it's okay because this being of good and light either saves the day when something catastrophic—catastrophic, not hatasptrophic," Paige looked pointedly at Marco's silly hat, "and quite possibly dies so Hazel and I learn a valuable lesson and cry our sad little eyes out?"
"Well, yes," Thomasina said nervously. "But come on, look at me. I'm so pretty! And rebellious! Look at my boots. Sean, you like me don't you?"
"Not really," Sean replied apprehensively.
"But everyone is supposed to! Everyone buy Jealousy McJealous over there! Come on! I'm the new girl!" Thomasina cried.
"You've been plizzayed izzout girl please like woah how many before yizzou figizzure out da ending yoself hmmmm?" Jimmy asked.
Suddenly, Thomasina's mask fell off, and the great beast, Satan himself, appeared. He roared and flew away on devil's wings.
"Paige? Do you really hate my hat?" Marco asked sadly.
"Face it, Marco. You've got awful taste in hats. Being gay doesn't automatically make you a fashion connoisseur," Paige said.
"Shriek!" Manny shrieked.
"What is it my dirty secret?!" Craig called out to her.
"I can't find my clotheshanger!"
"Huh? Day?" asked Spinner with his mouth stuffed with hot dogs.
"Naw beeyatch please cloazehanga sheeyat," Jimmy retorted.
"Oh, okay," Spinner replied, his mouth stuffed with hot dogs and some chili.
"Why do you need your clotheshnger, Manny?" Ellie asked.
"Yeah," Spinner said, his mouth overflowing with hot dogs, chili, shaving cream, nachos, bacon bits, some ants, and a dragonfly trying desperately to escape with the help of a benevolent bee.
"Oh, you guys! I'm pregnant and there's nothing I can do about it!" Manny sobbed.
"Hey, I can hit you in the stomach a lot. That might help," Rick said helpfully.
"Oh, Rick. You're so sweet," Tubby McFatty said, slobbering all over him.
"I could build a complicated device out of some sticks and some of Tubby's fat to make the Abort-O-Matic," Liberty said.
"Hey, Manny, why do you keep getting pregnant anyway?" Paige asked.
"Well, I think it's pretty obvious that I'm the victim of a horrible slut-inducing trauma, Paige," Manny replied pointedly.
"Hey, did someone eat the new girl?" Craig asked.
"No," Spinner replied, his mouth full of bloody new girl flesh.
"Hm. Oh well. Guess he wanted his costume back.
"YO YA YO YO," Jimmy cried into the microphone. "I'MA WIZZOU UP THE WAZOO/KNEW IT EVA SINCE I SAW YOU/ALABAMA ROAD PATROL/I NEED ME SOME PETROL/HEEZY BEEZY BREEZY/LIL' ORPHAN EASY/BOW WOW WOW YO YO WOW WOAH/JIMINY CRICKET HERE TO TELL YOU WHAT MY NAME IS/BECAUSE THEN YOU'LL KNOW WHEN I AM REALLY FAMOUS/RAP IS GOOD/I LIKE CATS/ URGIN SHLURGIN BURGIN BABY PLEASE BABY PLEASE/ EASY FEEZY MCHEEZY CRATER CAKIZZLE DRIZZLE BIZZLE MCFADDEN." He dropped the microphone and walked away.
"That was the best concert ever," the zombie slaves agreed in unison. Everyone smiled. Jimmy was great at rap.