Hey, guys. Sorry for the wait, but I've been making OCs for every nation not mentioned in Hetalia and I wanted to put in enough research to make them at least a little realistic. It's been exhausting but I finally finished all the recognized countries. I've had a lot of fun reading about so many different cultures and I think it will help my other Hetalia works in the future.
Also, quick sidenote, I know Himaruya released an official Philippines character and the character is a man, but I've long had an OC Philippines who is female in this story so I can't really change it at this point (it really frustrated me; I was also going to make a female Indonesia character, only to find out an official male character was released). I'll use the official character in future stories, but this one stays the same.
Also, I suppose I should add a warning for international prejudices. The nations go pretty hard at each other.
This is gonna be a bit of a long one, so brace yourselves. Anyway, enjoy and please leave reviews. (Seriously, please leave reviews. They are the lifeblood of fanfiction writers.)
The Camping Episode Part II: We're All in This Together
As if being trapped in the woods with America and his psychotic daughter wasn't bad enough, the second day at the camp began with announcing their official teams for the rest of the retreat.
"You all need to learn to work together and forge bonds of trust," Montana had explained. "And, in the spirit of fairness, you will be placed in teams designated by luck of the draw."
This was colossally bad and horrendously stupid on so many levels. Leaving their team assignments to pure chance was practically an invitation to begin World War Three. Very few nations slept well after Montana let them know this and, when the morning arrived, they all warily approached the center of camp where Montana was waiting with a raffle cage filled with paper slips bearing the names of the unfortunate nations.
"Rise and shine, buttercups," she said, that shark-like smile splitting her face. "Move along now, this ain't no ice cream social. Are you all ready for your team assignments?"
There was a chorus of grumbling and some death-glares, but Montana did not seem to notice. Instead, she clapped her hands together and a strange glint entered her eyes.
"Good! You are all going to be placed into teams of ten. Two-person nations still count for two even if you function as just one. Now, these team selections are going to be completely random. It's time to break down some cultural barriers and get out of your comfort zone!"
"But I like my comfort zone!" one of the more isolated nations exclaimed worriedly. "I feel safe in there!"
"Let's see who we've got first," Montana continued as if she hadn't heard him.
She cranked the raffle cage around and fished out several names.
"On Team One, we have… Samoa, Cape Verde, Jamaica, Uganda, Laos, Maldives, Saint Lucia, Federated States of Micronesia, Portugal, and Equatorial Guinea."
That wasn't so bad. The only awkwardness for them might have come from Portugal and Cape Verde, but they had gotten over any issues a while ago and were honestly one of the more functional relationships among the former colonizers and colonies. It might have been a different story if it was one of his other colonies, so Portugal counted himself lucky. No one else in the group had any outstanding quarrels with each other, either. In fact, everyone in that particular arrangement was known for being extremely chill in recent years…most of the time.
Team Two was not nearly so lucky. Somehow, someway, the universe had conspired to put almost all of the former imperial powers all together in one group. England, France, Spain, Turkey, Austria, Germany, Netherlands, and China all looked very unhappy as they moved to stand together. Russia just kept smiling eerily as he also joined the group.
"What a wonderful morning, isn't it, my good friends?" Russia said, causing the rest of the team to shiver.
"Bloody hell," England muttered. "America is really going to let this happen, isn't he?"
America might as well have made them wear signs saying, 'Dead meat.' Not only did most everyone on Team Two hate each other, they each had many, many, many enemies among the other nations who would undoubtedly seize the chance to team up against the former empires. Even if the members of Team Two were, for the most part, still formidable fighters, that wouldn't do much good if they were being constantly targeted by practically everyone else. If they'd been spread out amongst the other teams, they might have been able to go under the radar; however, being lumped together meant that their enemies only had to focus on finding one group. And, on top of that, they still had to work together in order to get through this stupidity.
"Wait a moment," said Germany. "Aren't we supposed to have ten members on our team? We only have nine."
"Uh, excuse me, not to be a bother or anything, but I am your tenth," a genial voice spoke up.
The group turned to look at a young Polynesian nation. His skin was decorated in traditional tattoos and his smile was warm as sunshine.
"…Who are you, again?" said Turkey.
"Tonga."
"Wait, you can't be Togo," said France. "Togo is an African nation."
"I said that I'm 'Tonga.' I really thought you all might recognize me. I mean, I don't want to toot my own horn or anything, but I was an empire, after all, just like you. Not that I am anymore, of course. Being friends with people is better than conquering them, obviously. Not that I would presume that we're friends, of course, that would be rude…"
The others just stared at him in bewilderment for a moment before turning back to watching Montana delegate teams.
The next group seemed a bit more random. Switzerland, Saudi Arabia, Guinea-Bissau, United Arab Emirates, Singapore, Palau, Zambia, Croatia, Uruguay, and Gabon. At first glance, it seemed a very weird mix, until one realized that these were some of the most money-driven of the nations (when Netherlands realized this, he complained that he should have been on Team Three instead). Of course, some of the nations were more well-off than others, but that singular drive to accumulate wealth by whatever means necessary was something that each of the nations on Team Three had to admit to. Several of them immediately began to compare the quality of their wristwatches and brag about how much they'd paid for them.
Team Four was absolutely terrifying. If the nations ever found the fate-defining entity who thought it was a good idea to put Belarus, Central African Republic, Syria, Yemen, North Korea, El Salvador, Guinea, Belize, Rwanda, and Mauritania all on the same team, they would kill said entity. Slowly. Everyone on Team Four had some propensity for violence, with the very slight exception of Mauritania; though he seemed more than happy to draw violent intentions towards himself from his teammates with his tasteless and often very misogynistic comments. Within ten seconds, a medical kit was needed.
"Next up, for Team Five, we have Denmark, Mongolia, Hungary, Albania, Tunisia, Australia, Fiji-"
"Ugh, seriously?" Fiji exclaimed before turning her glare onto Australia. "Why do I have to get lumped in with you?"
"Aw, c'mon, Raijieli," Australia said with a bright smile. "This'll be fun!"
"If you say anything positive about this, you'll be getting a shark tooth club in the back of the head."
"Ahem!" Montana gave them a frosty look for the interruption. "…Malta, Vietnam, and Romania."
It was Hungary's turn to groan as she heard the name of one of her most hated rivals. It was bad enough that she had to be on the same team as Mongolia, but now she had to deal with Romania as well. Just the smug look on his face was enough to make Hungary's fingers itch for her trusty skillet.
When Team Six was called, everyone found it more than a little odd. Bangladesh, Qatar, Uzbekistan, Vanuatu, Mozambique, Sweden, North Macedonia, Nepal, Eswatini, and Georgia (the nation, who should not be confused with the American state of the same name). Of all the nations on that team, only Sweden was considered especially intimidating on a personal level; the others were mostly known for being sweethearts. Of course, Sweden could also be classified as such once one got past his terrifying facial expressions.
Team Seven followed a similar trend. Finland, Philippines, Thailand, Ireland, Canada, Montenegro, Madagascar, New Zealand, Mexico, and Belgium. The only real difference in their case, however, was that, by this point, everyone knew the sweetheart thing was a surface-level illusion that covered up incredibly lethal fighting skills and, in several cases, borderline madness. Those innocent smiles fooled no one.
Team Eight seemed to be made up entirely of some of the smallest of the nations. Liechtenstein, Andorra, San Marino, The Gambia, Kosovo, Burundi, Monaco, East Timor, Nauru (who awkwardly shuffled his feet and avoided looking Kosovo in the eyes), and Seychelles. Their team list initially had Moldova on it, but a quick look around had revealed the kid wasn't there, so Seychelles had to fill in the tenth slot.
Romania started whistling and fidgeting suspiciously when questions began to circulate as to why Moldova wasn't present.
Team Nine was apparently comprised of the intellectual, philosophical, or spiritual types. Tanzania, Iraq, Niger, Greece, Paraguay, Vatican City, Argentina, Tajikistan, Senegal, and Somalia all exchanged uncertain looks. Definitely one of the stranger groupings, and it was pretty clear none of them was quite sure what to say to break the ice.
And then there was Team Ten.
"All right, I think this officially makes us halfway through the number of teams, if my math is right," said Montana. "For Team Ten, we have…Democratic Republic of the Congo, Lithuania, Papua New Guinea, Palestine, Israel-"
"Oh, fuck!" It wasn't just the two reluctant neighbors who shouted the phrase. All around the camp, the cry went up to the heavens as if begging for an answer as to why such a twist of fate had to occur.
Montana just blithely continued drawing names.
"…Kiribati, Bolivia, Guatemala, Slovakia, and Sudan. Wow, it looks like some of the most diehard survivors will be working together. That's something I can respect."
Everyone just stared at her like she'd taken leave of her senses.
Team Eleven was, ironically, comprised entirely of the coupled nations. Antigua and Barbuda, Bosnia and Herzegovina, São Tomé and Príncipe, Trinidad and Tobago, and Saint Kitts and Nevis (who, on hearing that they were on the "couples team," furiously insisted that they were siblings and not romantic partners). This team arrangement caused a number of raised eyebrows and voiced speculation that the whole thing was rigged. However, a warning shot from Montana silenced any further opposition.
Team Twelve was another of the weird combinations. Latvia, Japan, Cambodia, Serbia, The Bahamas, Panama, Estonia, Eritrea, Morocco, and Sri Lanka. After a few awkward minutes, however, Estonia made some offhand science joke and the entire group ended up getting into a whole discussion about technology, engineering, and a bunch of other subjects that made them all realize that they had unofficially become the nerd team. Everyone in their group had many, many, many different areas in which they were exceptionally gifted, with science just being the tip of the iceberg.
If Team Twelve was the "nerdy team," though, then Team Thirteen might as well be called, "Team Beauty Pageant." The nations of Team Thirteen were known for beauty, stylishness, or simply a general love of fabulousness. Brazil, Ivory Coast, Mauritius, Poland, Iran, Venezuela, Dominican Republic, Lebanon, Nigeria, and Zimbabwe all looked each other up and down and began asking for recommendations for stylists and designers. France started to loudly protest his placement on Team Two once he realized this, claiming that he deserved to be among fellow beautiful people.
"You must tell me who does your hair," Brazil said to Mauritius. "There is no way those waves are natural."
"I, like, totally love those boots," Poland said to Dominican Republic.
"Custom-made," Dominican Republic replied with a smirk. "You have to look this good if you want to draw in the tourists."
There was a bit of an uncomfortable moment, however, when Venezuela kissed Zimbabwe on either cheek in greeting and she fainted from embarrassment at such impropriety. He tried to repeat the greeting with Iran, but ended up with a nasty bruise on his pretty face.
The members of Team Fourteen, in contrast, just stood there and tried to avoid looking at each other or saying anything. Bulgaria, Republic of the Congo, Liberia, Oman, Kyrgyzstan, Algeria, Namibia, Kazakhstan, Slovenia, and Burkina Faso were not exactly known for being especially effusive or socially go-getting. Oman, in particular, looked on the verge of a panic-attack just having people near his personal space.
The members of Team Fifteen merely smiled pleasantly at each other and struck up conversations about how they were always getting dragged into other people's messes and 'why can't we all just be friends'? Malaysia, Afghanistan, Jordan, Cyprus, Nicaragua, Marshall Islands, Tuvalu, Botswana, Myanmar, and Malawi were actually willing to withhold their reservations about America's survival camp-corporate retreat plan and give it a fair shake. After all, the goal was to bring peace and help everyone to get along. And wasn't that what was most important?
When the members of Team Sixteen were announced, everyone knew there would be basically no off-switch for the noise and chaos surrounding them. Within two minutes, Bahrain, North and South Italy, Colombia, Angola, Cuba, Costa Rica, Barbados, India, Guyana, and South Korea had somehow gotten the beginnings of a wild party going. Music, dancing, alcohol, and illicit substances all manifested from seemingly nowhere. The team roster calling had to go on hold for a moment as Montana lined the miscreants up and shook them down for contraband.
Most of it turned out to have been provided by Bahrain, who just gave a bland smile as she dumped the smuggled goods into an ever-increasing pile in front of the almost amused American state.
"Nabila," Saudi Arabia tutted disapprovingly from his place among Team Three, "this is most disgraceful. Really, just so unbecoming of a respectable lady. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Bahrain turned to him; her thin, dark eyes boring into Saudi Arabia's soul.
"'Allah cannot see across the causeway,'" she said.
Saudi Arabia's face went bright red, and he turned away with a nervous cough.
"Now that that's settled," said Montana as Bahrain handed in the – hopefully – last of her stash, "let's move on to Team Seventeen." She cranked the raffle machine and began to withdraw names from the now much-reduced number of slips. "Armenia, Azerbaijan-"
"Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me!" Armenia shouted.
"…Iceland, Ecuador, Peru, Dominica, Haiti, Cameroon, Chad, and Kuwait."
Everyone began placing bets on how long it would take before an eruption occurred. Either in tempers or in actual volcanic activity.
"Team Eighteen!" Montana persisted as though nothing was wrong. "South Sudan, Turkmenistan, Honduras, Togo, South Africa, Lesotho-"
"Aw, nuts!" said Lesotho. Then, on seeing South Africa's hurt expression, he began to stammer. "Oh, no, wait, I mean…aw nuts."
"…Suriname, Grenada, Ukraine, and Taiwan."
"Wait a fucking minute!" China yelled furiously. "What on earth are you even doing here, Mei-Mei?!"
"Suck it, Old Man!" Taiwan snapped back. "You're not the boss of me. I can do what I like and be at whatever nation meetings I want!"
"Over my nine-hundred-and-seventy-times-dead body!"
Everyone froze and exchanged confused glances. Had China really been killed nine-hundred-and-seventy times? They knew he was old and…not the easiest person to get along with, but that seemed a bit much. Questioning eyes slowly turned to his neighbors.
"It's true," South Korea said with a calm shrug. "Mostly because he kept mouthing off to his emperors. Honestly, I'm surprised his death count isn't higher."
"He never did learn when to shut up," Vietnam added under her breath. A few of the incidents in his death count could also be attributed to her from the times she had to kick him out of her land. She cared for China like an obnoxious, bossy, older brother who always thought he was right, but even she had her limits.
"America!" China continued to rant. "If you let her participate, you will be in violation of the One China Pol—ahahahCHOO!"
"Aw, come on, China," said America. "Be a good sport. Taiwan just wants to have fun like everyone else. Let her sit in with the big kids, for a change. Besides, we need to make sure all the teams have ten."
"Hold on, aru," China said after his sneezing fit subsided. His eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Team Sixteen has eleven members on it."
"What?"
"Both the Italies are on it, making it eleven people, aru. And your daughter said she still counted two person countries as two people. Send Taipei home and have someone from Team Sixteen take her place."
"Yeah, no," said Montana.
"Excuse me?!"
"I said, 'no.' My team assignments are final. Besides, I figured Team Sixteen needs all the help they can get."
"Hey!" Romano yelled in indignation. However, as Montana looked at him and slowly raised one eyebrow, he glanced at his teammates and sighed in resignation. "All right. Fair."
"And another thing, aru," said China. "Why isn't Prussia here? He's the eastern half of Germany and everyone is supposed to participate."
"Prussia has a special exemption," Germany said evenly. "It was decided by the EU that his presence here would be deemed a potential threat to international security, so he's been assigned to paperwork duty for the duration."
And, man, had Prussia griped about that. Germany would have happily traded places with him, but, sadly, their boss would hear none of it.
"Fine!" said China huffily. "But that still doesn't change the fact that Taipei needs to go home!"
"How about you go home, Old Man?!" Taiwan yelled back. "I'm my own person, you can't tell me what to do! You just don't want me here because you're afraid I'll show everyone that I'm clearly the better China."
It took another twenty minutes of arguing before China finally just gave up. If Taiwan wanted to participate in the stupidity that was this corporate retreat, she was welcome to it. But she had better not come crying to him when she got in over her head and hurt herself doing something impulsive and reckless. When he told her as much, she just stuck her tongue out at him.
"All right, almost done, folks," said Montana. "It looks like we only have two teams left to fill." Another turn of the raffle machine. "Team Nineteen is…Czech Republic, Chile, Benin, Pakistan, Ethiopia, Ghana, Libya, Brunei, Norway, and Sierra Leone."
As they moved off to the side, the remaining ten moved to form the twentieth and final group. Team Twenty was comprised of Egypt, Bhutan, Solomon Islands, Djibouti, Mali, Indonesia, Comoros, Luxembourg, Kenya, and Saint Vincent (minus the Grenadines).
"Well, now that we have that out of the way at long last, we can get on with our team-building exercises," said Montana.
"But we haven't had breakfast, yet!" one of the nations called out.
"You all forfeited that privilege by arguing and chit-chatting so much during team-assignment. You have no one to blame for it except the morons who ate up your food time – pun intended. Now, move it!"
Sealand and his bunkmates woke up bright and early for another fun day at camp.
It was sports day, and they were all eager to get out there and start kicking, hitting, and throwing stuff. So, they got into their athletic clothes and hurried off to the mess hall for a hearty breakfast. As Sealand was loading up his plate, he noticed Hutt River only just arriving.
"Hey, Hutt, why are you so slow today?" he said.
"Oh, no reason, Sea," Hutt River replied, trying to give a haughty smile as usual. "Just not keen to get my clothes all messed up. This is high-quality fabric, you know."
As they sat down at their table, Sealand noticed that Hutt River was not as talkative as he normally was. Ordinarily, his friend was all about showing off how great he was, trying to charm people but coming off as a bit of an arrogant tosser most of the time. Still, Sealand liked him, and it worried him a bit that his friend was acting so odd.
Even when they headed out to the field to start off the day with a couple rounds of capture-the-flag, Hutt River didn't seem to have his heart in any of it. When they moved on to the obstacle courses, Sealand noticed him hanging back and talking very intently with Tasmania about something while everyone else was getting directions from Aguascalientes and Minnesota.
"Anything wrong, Hutt?" Sealand asked when he joined back up with their group.
"It's nothing, Sea." His smile was still looking very insincere. "I just…I'm not feeling the best, right now. You all have fun. I'll see you all later."
Sealand had this bad feeling that something was not right with his friend, but he did not have time to linger on it when Wy fussed at him to hurry up and get ready to start the course. They had plenty of things to distract them. After the obstacle courses, they had all kinds of sports to play. Football (or "Soccer," as America and a few other countries called it), baseball, horseshoes, darts, table tennis, giant jenga, hacky sack, and some game that Minnesota and Maine referred to as "corn hole." They even got out a trampoline and everyone took turns bouncing around like they hadn't a care in the world.
They didn't see Hutt River for the rest of the day, though, and Sealand tried his best not to worry. He made a few new friends during some of the games, but he just couldn't shake that uneasy feeling.
Not five minutes into the teamwork exercises, and the nations were already kicking, hitting, and throwing stuff. Mostly rocks and mostly at each other.
America and Montana stood beside each other, arms crossed and twin expressions of disapproval on their faces. Despite their physical differences, it was very obvious in that moment that they were father and daughter.
"I don't think this is gonna work, Jeanie," said America.
"Your friends are bit high-strung, I'll admit," said Montana. "But I'll break them, one way or another."
"No breaking people."
"But Virginia did it to me during our MK-Ultra sessions, and I turned out fine."
America refrained from commenting on that. He'd had a few choice words for Virginia about ethics when he found out what she and the CIA had been doing for that particular project. Needless to say, he had a very dim view of brainwashing, torturing, and experimenting on innocent people.
"This still seems like it'll be more of a challenge than I expected. I mean, you can't just force people to like each other."
"Sure I can," said Montana. "I have a gun, don't I?"
As if to emphasize her point, she fired some more warning shots over the tops of the nations' heads.
"Now that I have your attention, again," she said, the picture of dubious innocence, "Let us return to what you folks are here for. To make some fuckin' friends and avoid another World War."
There was some grumbling, but Montana tuned it out.
"Now, we're going to start off with a little icebreaker," she said. "Everyone, get with your teams. Now, as this is an icebreaker, we're going to need some ice."
"But it's summer," some idiot pointed out.
Montana flicked her eyes towards the lake they had all been forced to hike to. Within a matter of seconds, the whole thing had frozen over. Only shallowly, though. Just enough that it wouldn't immediately break under someone's weight.
"All right, this is how the icebreaker works. Each person on your team will take a turn standing on the ice while the rest of the team asks them one question. Questions may not be about security, weapons, military strength, or anything that falls under the heading of a national secret. However, if the person on the ice lies or doesn't answer within the time limit, then into the lake they go!"
"I'm having some serious doubts about this," said another idiot.
"Move it or lose it, people!"
The groups immediately ganged up on their own members, shoving the weakest ones out onto the ice until a line of twenty nations stood there, trembling. That round passed very quickly, though, as the ones on the ice were too nervous to hold anything back under the weight of their teammates' interrogations. However, as they reached the tougher nations, things got more interesting.
Team One was mostly fine, though Portugal nearly got dunked for stalling after being asked, "What is the craziest thing one of your bosses has ever done?" However, he just made the time limit to summarize how King Pedro had his lover Ines (who was murdered by Pedro's father, King Afonso IV) dug out of her grave so he could crown her his queen and ordered the nobles of the court to pay her their respects.
On Team Two, the only person who didn't get drenched in the freezing lake was Tonga, and that was only because none of his teammates could think of anything that they particularly wanted to know about him. As for the rest, each one ended up taking the plunge for lying as the others kept asking very invasive questions which none of them wanted to answer. Of all of them, only Russia seemed unbothered by the whole thing.
"That was most refreshing, Da?" he said with a smile as he pulled himself out of the freezing lake.
Team Three mostly questioned each other about money-making schemes. However, Saudi Arabia did end up in the lake when he point-blank refused to explain what "Allah cannot see across the causeway" meant.
Team Four decided to spice the game up even more by throwing knives at the person being questioned. Montana kept trying to confiscate the weapons, but they continued to manifest from out of nowhere. She decided to let the situation slide, however, when Mauritania stepped up and made a comment about women "not organizing important events as well as men." Needless to say, he had to crawl out of the lake with quite a number of knives sticking out of him, and with the lake mysteriously refreezing over his head after he was dunked.
Several people on Team Five chose to deliberately get dunked because they wanted to "experience the rush" while Teams Six and Seven just asked bland, polite questions to get through the whole thing faster.
An awkward situation came up with Team Eight when Nauru refused to answer Kosovo's question about why he withdrew his recognition of her. He just hemmed and hawed and shuffled his feet until he got dunked. Monaco was nearly dunked when she was asked if she was dating anyone and tried to answer with, "A lady doesn't kiss and tell," but she was spared because her teammates agreed to accept that as a yes.
Everyone on Team Nine got dunked. Not because they stalled or lied, but because they each gave long-winded, philosophical speeches about the nature of reality, God, and the meaning of life in place of straightforward answers. Montana and America both tried to warn them to keep things simple, but that just earned them a condescending smile from Tanzania, who said, "I know these matters seem complicated for young people, like yourselves, but we are engaging in very deep discourse about truly serious issues." To this, Montana decided the best response was to body-slam everyone on Team Nine through the ice. America just knew this would trigger an international incident, but, whatever, he'd done worse.
Team Ten had to do the entire exercise over because Israel and Palestine decided to use it as an excuse to give each other insults disguised as questions, ultimately resulting in a fistfight that their teammates couldn't be bothered to stop.
Team Eleven decided they would answer the questions in pairs, as they were all partnered countries.
"So, how long have you two been a couple?" Bosnia asked Saint Kitts and Nevis.
"We're not a couple!" Saint Kitts said with a groan. "We're siblings! Siblings!"
"Why does everyone ask if we're a couple?" said Nevis. "Every single time!"
"It's really starting to gross me out."
"Same here, Sis."
"I see," said Bosnia. He then turned to Trinidad and Tobago. "So, are you two siblings, also?"
In response, the two female islands turned and kissed each other before giving him "what do you think?" looks.
"Is that a 'yes'?" said Bosnia, causing Herzegovina to slap a hand to her face and give a tired sigh.
Team Twelve mostly asked each other about their hobbies, and most of them knew to keep their answers short and concise. However, Morocco got dunked for going off on a lengthy tangent about filmmaking aesthetics and garden design while Serbia got dunked for his unnecessary lecture about electromechanical engineering. Japan, sadly, also got dunked because he had trouble answering 'yes' or 'no' to personal questions.
Team Thirteen mostly quizzed each other about fashion, though Iran and Zimbabwe chose to ask more insightful questions, as they got bored hearing Dominican Republic and Brazil talk non-stop about who had nicer hair.
"What is with these men and their shallow interest in physical appearance?" Zimbabwe said as Poland started complaining that he'd chipped a fingernail.
"Honestly, I'm not surprised," Iran replied. "Most of my neighbors are men and many of them have always been vain and more focused on outsiders' perception of them rather than trying to better themselves in truly meaningful ways."
"Ugh, I can so relate to that."
Team Fourteen all got dunked because they simply wouldn't ask each other anything, even going so far as to try and avoid eye-contact. Team Fifteen stuck to simple, inoffensive questions and no one got dunked. Team Sixteen, however, tried to turn the whole thing into an excuse to have a dance-off and ended up cracking the ice under them due to the constant barrage of fancy footwork. Team Seventeen had been regarded as a ticking time-bomb right from the start and the first explosion came from Armenia and Azerbaijan deciding to scream at each other, which annoyed their teammates to the point that they, themselves, dropped the two into the lake.
The remaining three teams just tried to get through everything with some of their dignity intact.
"Well, that wasn't so bad, now, was it?" Montana asked, ignoring the glares and threatening gestures thrown her way.
After that, she led them to a field where they were forced to run obstacle courses as teams. Several of said teams got into fights before the whistle was even blown.
"You know, if you don't finish this activity, we can always just have the relay race," Montana suggested. When some of the nations started to consider the change, she held up a stick of lit dynamite. "And here's the relay baton."
Everyone got moving very quickly after that.
"Hey, have any of you noticed something off about Hutt River?" said Sealand.
"Only every day since we met him," said Wy.
"Meh, that asshole's always been weird," said Molossia. "I just try to ignore him whenever he's around."
"I'm serious, guys," said Sealand. "It feels like he's not really…well, here. Like he's getting kind of distant."
"Well, I wasn't going to bring this up," said Wy. "But remember when he mentioned his founding king passed away?"
"I remember. He wore black at our last meeting and still hasn't taken off the black armband."
"Yeah, um, his current king has been having some financial problems. And Hutt mentioned he might have to close his borders. Australia's also been getting on his case about taxes or something. I don't know all the details, but it sounds pretty bad."
That was not reassuring. Sealand was not completely oblivious and naïve. He understood how delicate a micronation's existence was. He remembered what happened with Nikoniko only too well. And now, the warning signs were all lighting up for Hutt River.
It was at that moment that the micronation in question entered the dining hall. Sealand did the only logical thing he could do under the circumstances and launched himself at his friend to pull him into a hug.
"Everything's going to be okay, Hutt!" said Sealand. "I promise."
"Uh…right? If you say so, Sea."
"No matter what, we'll always be your friends."
"Thanks, Sealand. I really appreciate that."
Meanwhile, at one of the other tables, another group was watching the exchange.
"What an undignified display," said the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus. "If he thinks anyone will acknowledge him as a nation after acting like that, he must be delusional."
"Well, at least it's clear he cares about his friends," said Northern Yemen. The region had been sent along to the camp by his older brother, who typically represented the whole nation of Yemen at meetings despite them both being very distinct halves of their country – much in the same way that North and South Italy were divided, except Northern Yemen had always been a bit slow to develop and still resembled a preteen.
"Oh, come now, Yahya. The only reason that shameless upstart wants friends is to convince himself that he actually has a chance of being a real nation." TRNC turned to another boy at the table. "Aren't I correct, Vait?"
"D-don't ask me," the other boy, Crimea, replied. "I don't know anything about anything." He trembled and tried to sink in his seat so everyone would stop looking at him.
"What about you two?" TRNC said to a pair of young twin boys. "Uh, what are your names, again?"
"We are 'Jammu' and 'Kashmir,'" one of the boys said with a friendly smile. "You can call us 'Jalaj' and 'Kishor,' if you'd rather."
"Ah, right. You're Pakistan's kids."
"Uh, sort of," said Kashmir. "We're also India's."
"Like our big sister Ladakh," Jammu added.
"I thought Ladakh was one of China's territories," said Northern Yemen.
"He wishes," the girl in question said as she passed by with a food tray.
"Anyway," said TRNC, "what about what I asked before? That Sealand boy has no chance of being a proper nation if he acts out like that, right?"
"Well," said Jammu, "I'm fairly certain that nations have to carry themselves with at least some measure of dignity."
"Quite, Brother," said Kashmir. "The adults attending that big, fancy meeting have to be people of refinement and prestige."
"Yes. Respectable individuals who are working tirelessly to create a better world for everyone."
"Romano, when you call me names like 'stupid' and 'really stupid,' that makes me feel sad."
"Veneziano, when you volunteered us to go first for caring-and-sharing, it made me feel like punching you in the God-damned mouth."
"Ve~ well, now I feel sad again."
"Very good, we're all opening up to each other," Montana said as she observed the nations.
This was one of her favorite therapeutic activities, especially since it involved the whole group and not just individual teams. Everyone got the chance to stand up and hold the Speaking Stick so they could talk about their feelings. It was also perfect as a late evening activity, now that the more physical exercises had been run through for the day and everyone was gathered together for suppertime.
And the exchanges were so wholesome and fun.
"Armenia," said Azerbaijan, "I would just like to let you know something. I wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire."
"Azerbaijan," said Armenia with a sharp smile, "the first thing I'm going to do when we get back to civilization is shove your head down a public toilet."
"Iraq," said Iran, "I often feel that your very existence is an insult to all Muslims. Now, I know that I am just a poor, humble, simple woman with few merits, but even I can see that your persistence in being an asinine fool is detrimental to everyone who has to breathe the same air as you."
"Dear Iran," said Iraq, "I find your manners exceptionally unbecoming of a lady and your constant tantrums over the slightest perceived insult a disgrace to the memory of your father. Also, I would very much appreciate it if you actually did something about your drug smuggling problems or at least keep them confined to your squalid little corner of the world, as I fear such things will prove a very bad influence on my people."
"To the nations of the European Union," said England, "You all can suck it. I hated every second I had to spend at your God-awful meetings and I do not regret Brexit in any way. I find you all to be stuck so far up your own arses you think your flatulence is a speech on the Common Market."
"Pakistan," said India, "the greatest regret of my life was ever being married to you."
"India," said Pakistan, "the greatest regret of my life was that I didn't poison you on our wedding night."
"But…you did poison me on our wedding night."
"In that case, I regret that I had a subpar poison-vendor."
"To all my neighbors," said Afghanistan, "I would like to say that I feel very strongly that we should just…stop…just, please stop. I am so tired and I want to be able to go to bed at night without hating my life. I do not know if I can handle another incident. I'm serious, you guys! If I see one more tank or thermonuclear device, I swear, I am going to absolutely lose it."
"Aussie and Kiwi," Fiji said to Australia and New Zealand, respectively, "when you pry into my business or try to boss me around like I'm your lackey, that makes me feel like shoving pufferfish down your trousers."
"Kosovo," said Serbia, "I really feel like you should stop acting like a petulant, stupid child and come home, already."
"Serbia," said Kosovo, "I would like to formally request that you very kindly take your idea, put it in a box, wrap that box in chains, dip it in cement, and then throw it in the ocean."
"Libya," said Nigeria, "I think your suggestion to have me partitioned into separate Muslim and Christian countries is the biggest piece of shite I have ever heard in my entire life. Oh, and, Cameroon, Chad, and Ghana, I don't like any of you, I think I'm better than all of you, and I wasted my life knowing you."
"Nigeria," said Cameroon, "the fact that I have to eat my dinner while looking at your smug, self-righteous face makes me feel like I'm going to throw up."
"Peru," said Ecuador, "just because we're brothers doesn't mean I want to share a living space with you. Leave me alone."
"Ecuador," said Peru, "I hate talking about my feelings, but, if you must know, the reason why I have been so insistent on getting you to live at my house is because, as your big brother, I get distressed seeing how poorly you take care of yourself. Would it kill you to sweep your damn floors every now and then?"
"If I can be perfectly honest," said Uruguay, "I am very underappreciated. Every day I go out, I feel I do my best, but they don't."
"Let me ask you a very fair question, Uruguay," said Argentina. "What do you do successfully?"
"Freedom of speech…civil rights…renewable energy development…a reasonably stable economy…democracy…really, just take your pick. I'm doing better than any of you pendejos."
"China," said Mongolia, "you are an arrogant, entitled jackass with delusions of grandeur and, if I ever have the chance, I will make you my footstool again."
"Old Man China," said Taiwan, "you always call me and Hong Kong 'ungrateful brats,' but I honestly cannot understand what you think we have to be grateful for. No one wants you to be in charge and you will never take America's place as leader of the free world."
"Person who is unjustly keeping Tibet prisoner," said Bhutan, not even bothering to look at China's face, "I feel that your behavior is a poor reflection on the image of Asian countries as a whole and you should do some serious spiritual contemplation on the consequences of your actions."
"America," said Panama, "whenever you ask me if I like you or China better, it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I already told you multiple times that I like you best. I wouldn't invite just anyone over for a friendly invasion, after all. Also, can we all please go back indoors? There are too many bugs out here."
"Estados Unidos," said Mexico, "I feel I am a better parent than you, and California and Texas wouldn't be half so unhinged if they had stayed with me. Also, if I have to remind you one more time that Cinco de mayo is not my birthday, I will have to beat you upside the head with a cactus."
"America," said Nauru, "I feel that you are an unreliable, prying idiot and should leave the rest of us out of your stupid, self-centered schemes."
"America," said North Korea with an unnerving calm, "you are the worst thing that has ever happened to this planet and you can go stick both your hands in a blender, you fucking capitalist piece of shit." He then turned to South Korea. "And you, my dear brother, are the biggest fucking disappointment it has ever been my misfortune to have in my life."
"America," said Canada nervously, "I really feel like caring-and-sharing is a bad idea for nations, eh?"
"Come on, Bro," America said brightly. "It's going just fine!"
"Palestine," said Israel. "I really, truly hate you and wish you would die in a fire."
"Israel," said Palestine, "that Matzah ball soup you fed me when I visited your house last month was flavorless and watery."
"You bastard!" Israel lunged at Palestine and attempted to throttle him.
"It's canoe day!" Sealand cheered as he and his friends made their way down to the river.
He had been up before anyone and had hurried out the door midway through fastening on his shoes. Once they had all made it to the riverbank, Sealand immediately started talking about how being on the water was the best thing ever.
Molossia ignored Sealand's lecture and knelt down, running his hands through the water in an almost reverent manner. As a desert-based micronation, he understood the importance of respecting any large sources of water. Looking up for a moment, he noticed his cousin Zaqistan, another resident of the arid landscapes of the west, doing the same thing. Zaqistan noticed him watching and gave a smile and a wave, to which Molossia merely huffed and looked away.
"All right, folks, let's life-jacket up!" said Northwest Territories, their chief counselor for the day.
A number of city, desert, or internet-based campers had trouble figuring out how to put on the lifejackets. After all, it wasn't as if they had many opportunities to go canoeing. This, naturally, mandated a short demonstration from Northwest Territories on how to correctly put the thing on. When a couple of campers grumbled that it was too cumbersome and that they didn't need it, Northwest Territories suddenly went very stern.
"It's attitudes like that which cause a bulk of fatal accidents on the river," she said. "If you don't have a lifejacket, or if your lifejacket isn't secured right, and you fall in the water, you can get pulled under. And, believe me, that is not pleasant."
She talked them through a few other safety procedures. No standing in the boat, make sure all personal items are properly secured, don't rock the boat, don't try to splash people with the oars, and so on.
Once everyone was ready and their supplies for the trip were secured in place on the canoes, they all set off. It was a beautiful day. Not too warm, the waters flowed at a steady pace, and the morning light painted vivid colors on the gorgeous rock formations that dotted the landscape. Around noontime, Northwest Territories led them to shore where they set up a picnic site. They unloaded the coolers they'd secured on the canoes and began to pass around sandwiches, snack bars, bags of chips, and Capri Sun drink pouches.
"Come on, Mihai," Transylvania said to Moldova, who was sulking as he ate. "Why are you acting so down?"
"Elena, I am a fully grown republic," Moldova said, pouting cutely like the small boy he was. "I deserve the same respect as others of my status. I have every right to be with other real nations, right now."
"But this is so much more fun than some boring corporate retreat. I bet they don't get to do things like this. I am certain that, at this very moment, all those other nations are just sitting around in a stuffy conference room and listening to a lecture on self-esteem and cooperation, or something."
"It's time for canoeing! Everyone, get up and get with your teams!" Montana announced far, far too early that morning.
Most of the nations trudged along with all the enthusiasm of criminals marching to the gallows. Of course, there were a few early birds who were genuinely excited about starting the day. Denmark and Australia were especially vocal in their eagerness to get to potentially start whacking people with the oars. Most of the island nations and the nations with large bodies of water felt at least a little reassured that the activity was something they could handle, though that didn't mean they wanted to be up before the sun was even in the sky.
"Move it, folks! We're burnin' daylight!"
"But the sun isn't even up, yet," someone said.
"If there's enough light to see your way to the river, you have no business still being asleep."
At the riverbank, a fleet of canoes waited for them. A series of coolers packed with food and drinking water were lined up on shore, along with ropes to secure them.
"I assume you all are competent enough to know how to rig your supplies into place," said Montana. "Because I'm not going to hold your hands through something as simple as knot-tying."
"Where are the lifejackets?" Germany asked.
"…The fuck is a lifejacket?"
"Jeanie," America said warningly.
"All right, all right, fine. Since Dad wants to 'play things safe,' you can find the lifejackets in that storage shed, over there." She pointed at a decrepit, cobweb-infested structure off to one side. "Oh, if you go in there, watch out. Last time I checked, a bunch of black widow spiders took up residence and they've got a nasty bite to them."
After a few minutes of fumbling and a number of terrified screams, the nations were kitted out in stained, dusty, ill-fitting lifejackets. This was followed by a round of swearing as they attempted to secure their respective coolers on their canoes in the dim, grey light of morning. Each team had two canoes, just large enough to seat five people. This would have been fine, except that Team Sixteen had eleven people – which resulted in Romano getting crammed uncomfortably into the very back.
"Okay, everyone," Montana said once everyone was ready. "This is not just some rinky-dink canoe trip. This is going to be a race. The winners of the race will receive something to help them with tomorrow's super fun activity."
Immediately, most of the nations decided they needed to win this stupid race and to hell with anyone who stood in the way.
"The points on this race will be clearly marked," said America. "There is a special, halfway point on the route. Once you are at the halfway point, you must stop. The halfway point is where we will all take a break for food. However, once it is time to start back up again, the team that reaches the halfway point first will receive a twenty second head start."
"Get ready!" said Montana. "On your marks! Get set!" She raised her gun to the sky and fired. "GO!"
The nations rocketed off from the shore. America and Montana settled into their smaller, two-person canoe and followed at a more sedate pace. A short way out and they found that one of Team Six's canoes had already capsized, leaving Uzbekistan, Nepal, Eswatini, North Macedonia, and Qatar floundering about in the water. The ladies, to their credit, did manage to right their overturned vessel and clamber back in, though the lone male of their half of the team continued to float awkwardly in the water.
"Come on, Nepal!" North Macedonia called out. "We're falling behind!"
"I can't do it!" Nepal cried. "My poor, weak heart can't take the strain! Just leave me here to die!"
"Ugh, we don't have time for this. Qatar, help me pull him up."
"Me? I can't touch a man I'm not married to! It's improper! Maybe we should just leave him."
Nepal only sobbed louder.
As passive observers, America and Montana were not, technically-speaking, supposed to help anyone get ahead by an unfair advantage. However, as this particular group was so far behind, it did not really count as providing an unfair advantage. So, with that thought, America reached over, yanked Nepal out of the water, and calmly chucked him back into his group's canoe.
"Thank you, Mr. America!" said North Macedonia.
"No prob!" he replied before he and Montana continued on their way.
It was such a pleasant day and America happily soaked up the warm sunlight as he and Montana paddled along. It reminded him of family vacations of the past, where he and his kids took some time off to just go out and enjoy the beauty of nature and spend some time in quiet harmony, far away from the forces that tried to rip them all apart. The partisanship and identity politics and self-righteous grandstanding from all corners was left behind. And America and his kids could just be the Jones family for a while.
"Hey, Jeanie?"
"Yes, Dad?"
"I'm gonna lay down my burden," America began to sing. "Down by the riverside!"
"Down by the riverside!"
"Down by the riverside!"
"Gonna lay down my burden," they sang together. "Down by the riverside! I ain't gonna study war no more…"
They passed the time cheerfully singing, even coming up with new verses for the old, familiar tune. Occasionally, they would stop to check on the nations who were having trouble and would intervene if they felt it necessary.
"Gonna lay down my sword and shield," the father and daughter sang. "Down by the riverside!"
The only team that seemed to be following their example of not taking the race too seriously was Team One. They were too preoccupied with relaxing under the sun and listening to Portugal strum a guitar he'd somehow managed to obtain from somewhere to care about anything else. They did look up to greet America and Montana, but otherwise continued at their own comfortable pace.
Upon arriving at the halfway point, America and Montana found the first team to make it was Team Twenty. Not really surprising, considering there were a number of nations among them who had histories of skill on water. Only Bhutan, Mali, and Luxembourg were limited in said experience due to being landlocked, but they were also, all three, quick learners and it helped that they mostly got along with the rest of their team.
Once the other teams dragged themselves to the halfway point, everyone settled down for a short lunch. Well, most everyone. A few teams suffered some slight problems with capsizing and insufficiently-secured coolers, leading them to lose their supplies. And the other teams were somewhat reluctant to share their own rations, even if the quality of the food was…less than satisfactory.
"This is so disgusting!" North Italy wailed. "Ve~ I can't handle eating this soggy mush!"
"My gourmet palette is delicate," France added. "I will die if I have to eat this!"
"Have some respect!" said Montana. "Do you know how many men died to develop these MREs?"
"My guess?" said China. "Anyone who's ever tasted one, aru."
A few of the less-picky nations who had lost their own food due to capsizing glared at the ones who dared to complain and soon decided that, if they were so ungrateful, they forfeited ownership. This resulted in a lengthy and messy fight, in which nothing was really accomplished and everyone came out of it hating each other a little more.
"Everyone, get ready for the second lap!" Montana shouted, ignoring the nations that were struggling to get back into their canoes. "Team Twenty gets a head start. So, when I fire my gun, they leave and the rest of you stay until I give the second shot. Got it?!"
Everyone was primed and ready to go. No mistakes, now. The competitive energy was running too high. Once Team Twenty was off, the other teams readied themselves and…
BANG!
"GO!"
America and Montana resumed their leisurely voyage and watched the brutal carnage. Despite getting the head start, Team Twenty got downed by a coordinated strike from some of the other teams. There was undoubtedly some collusion, but, to be fair, America and Montana never said cheating wasn't allowed in the race. However, the teams who participated in the conspiracy did not end up getting as much of a leg-up as they might have expected due to the onset of the rapids.
It was a real mess. Despite being in unfamiliar waters, only a couple of teams thought to scout ahead. Even being on water one has navigated dozens of times before is not a guarantee of safety. What a pity so many nations had forgotten that fact.
America and Montana reached the end of the course and disembarked to see who, if anyone, would actually cross the finish line. To their surprise, both canoes of Team One slowly glided past them, gaining them a victory they did not seem to realize they'd won.
Dinner that night was earned through a few rounds of "extreme bass fishing." After dinner, Montana set everyone an arts and crafts activity. The less said about either of those, the better.
"Welcome to Ropes Day!" was Tasmania's cheery greeting as the campers arrived at a small clearing in the forest. "We have all kinds of ropes. High ropes, low ropes, up and down and all around ropes. Any kinds of ropes."
The kids got into their assigned teams and waited for their instructions.
"All right, ya li'l nointers, just a few standard safety rules before you head out," Tasmania continued. "First: Keep your helmets and safety pads on at all times. We don't want any broken bones or cracked skulls.
"Second: When on the rope courses, always make sure you are always hooked to one of the safety ropes. When transitioning between points, attach the carabiner of the next safety rope to your harness before unlatching the previous one."
He briefly showed them how to properly latch and unlatch a carabiner. The rest of his advice was mostly about sticking to the buddy system, not shoving or horse-playing, and always listening to the counselors.
With that out of the way, Tasmania and the other camp counselors led the kids further into the woods until they reached the most incredible adventure park ever conceived. On the most basic part were low-ropes courses, complete with raised planks, swinging logs, trolleys, a Mohawk Walk, rope swings, a Whale Watch, a Spider's Web, a Wild Woozy, and a bunch of others that were clearly original designs.
When one looked up, though, the excitement only grew. An intricate system of ladders, rappelling lines, rock-climbing walls, nets, steps, and a couple alpine towers led up into the treetops where all manner of bridges, zip lines, postman's walks, Tarzan swings, log walks, Burma loops, and cargo nets stretch out in all directions through the trees.
"Oh, and when you lot are finished," said Tasmania, "we've got a special crafts class on knot-tying later this evening."
What followed was a wonderful day of rope-based adventure for everybody. By the end of it all, even Moldova had stopped caring about the boring grown-up meeting.
Transylvania's probably right, Moldova thought to himself. They likely are just sitting around doing dumb trust exercises in a stuffy conference room.
"Good morning, everyone!" Montana greeted the groggy-eyed nations.
"Hope you all are up for another day of fun," said America, eliciting pained weeping from his colleagues. "C'mon, guys, this is a good one. Don't be a bunch of Debbie Downers."
"What fresh hell are you bringing upon us today, America?" said England.
"Today, you all are going on a super awesome…mountain-climbing adventure!"
"…That's it. I'm done."
"Huh?"
"I've had enough." England stood and turned away from the campsite. "I'm going home."
"Aw, c'mon, England. Don't be like that."
"No, America. I've put up with this stupidity for long enough. I'm leaving."
"You do remember that your boss signed off on this, right?"
"I don't care."
"And that there will be diplomatic repercussions if you leave early?"
"Ignoring."
"Okay, England. Good luck finding your way back to the lodge."
England muttered to himself as he headed off into the woods. He walked for about five minutes before America's words really had a chance to sink in. The fact was that he did not know the way back to the lodge. Montana's campsite had moved around since their initial arrival and England realized that it was a calculated move to ensure no one could just walk out. Another ten minutes later saw England stumbling back into the campsite, badly singed and covered in bear traps yet again.
"Hey, England, I'm glad you decided to come back," America said with a wide, innocent smile.
England gave a half-assed excuse about a true Englishman never backing down from a challenge and returned to his spot alongside his team.
"As you were saying, Dad?" said Montana.
"Thank you, my little Treasure State," said America. He turned back to the other nations. "Today, you will be going on a mountain-climbing adventure. It's a kind of King of the Mountain activity. A race to the top. Specifically, a race to that top."
America pointed up towards where a daunting edifice of rock jutted up into the sky. Mocking all below it in its majestic magnitude.
"Dios mio, why do you hate us so?!" Spain cried.
"Oh, grow up," Peru said with a roll of his eyes. "That's only a little hill. Estúpido."
"What are you whining about, Spain?" said Mexico. "You have plenty of mountain ranges."
"He's just gotten out of shape over the years," said Honduras. "And lazy, too. Romano isn't much better. Just look."
A quick glance showed that Romano was sprawled on the ground and sobbing about being made to go through such inhumane torture.
"You are all going to get with your teams, again," said Montana. "And you will have to navigate your way up to the top. Once you are at the top, there is a zip line which you will take down to your new campsite. The winners will receive special rewards which I am certain you all will be grateful for in the future."
"Team One," said America, "you all won the canoe race, yesterday, so you are entitled to a special prize for today's challenge." He reached into a duffel bag and pulled out a sheet of paper. "This is a map of the area. Complete with all the potentially dangerous sections clearly marked."
From the envious looks on the other nations' faces, Team One was going to have to be careful about prospective thieves attempting to steal the map from them.
"Remember, everyone," said Montana. "You are teammates, whether you like it or not. You succeed or fail together. So, no more dickishness and attempted murder, all right?"
The dead silence she received by way of reply was less than encouraging.
"It's official," said England. "I'm going to kill him."
"Why?" said Russia. "I am having much fun. I quite like Amerika's way of making friends. I think I will invite many old comrades to the woods for similar activity when I return home."
At that moment, a large number of former Soviet Union countries felt chills down their spines.
"This is not supposed to be about fun," said Germany. "This is about teamwork and cooperation."
"Why does it have to involve so much walking?" Austria said with a tired groan. "My feet are in agony."
"…We've only walked six meters. The campsite is right there!"
"Hey!" Turkey yelled back at them from some distance ahead. "Could you guys hurry up?! If Greece gets to the finish line before me, I will hold the rest of you responsible for it!"
"Aiyah, you don't have to scream like a lunatic," said China. "Maybe someone with more experience should take the lead for this task, aru."
"We're not naming you team captain," said Netherlands.
"Oh, come on! I am the most senior nation here! You young people need to learn to respect my a-ahahACHOO!"
"For God's sake, China," said England. "You need to see a doctor about that."
"Si, stop spreading your germs everywhere," said Spain. "What do you even have, anyway?"
"Knowing China," said France, "it's probably some sort of flesh-eating super virus which can only be cured with a tincture of lizard tongues or something equally repulsive."
"It had better not be Black Death," said England. "Because we don't need you spreading that around the world, again."
"Ugh, for the last time!" China yelled through a round of sniffling. "The Black Death was Mongolia's fault! And I am not sick! It's an allergy att-ahahACHOO!"
"Great job, hag," said Romania. "You've gotten us lost."
"I'd like to see you do a better job," Hungary said waspishly. "Last time you were put in charge of an operation, we both got sent on a winter sabbatical to Siberia."
"Just a thought," said Fiji, "But we would probably be making better time if some people didn't stop every five minutes to gawk at the local wildlife."
"All right, mate," said Australia. "It was me. You can just say it."
"Us," Denmark corrected. "I can't help it. American animals are so cute."
"Too right, mate. Especially those grizzlies. They're so big and fuzzy."
"I know. It makes you just want to hug them."
"Boys, focus!" said Hungary.
A sudden rustling from the bushes had them all turn, tensed and ready for a potential attack.
"It's just us," said Malta. He and Albania walked up to the group, followed by Mongolia and Vietnam dropping from the trees.
"Anything to report?" said Hungary.
"We managed to locate an exit from the woods," said Vietnam. "From there, it should be a straight climb to the top."
"Now, when you say 'a straight climb…'" said Romania.
"We mean straight," said Mongolia. "As in, straight up the sheer cliff. Nothing we cannot handle."
"There's also a slight hitch," said Albania. "A couple of other teams are blocking the way and I doubt they'll let us get past them unscathed."
"Yes," said Malta. "They appear quite determined to be first to the top."
"Which teams?" said Denmark.
"Well, Team Four, for starters."
"Ah, yes," said Romania. "The stab-happy maniacs. Who else?"
"Team Three."
"We could probably convince them to let us pass," said Hungary. "Does anyone have cash? I left my wallet back at the lodge."
"I also saw Serbia skulking about," said Albania, scowling. "So, Team Twelve should be nearby, too."
After a brief discussion, they determined the best course that would lead to the fewest chances for confrontation. Hopefully, the only person they would have to actively fight would be Serbia.
"But be careful," said Hungary. "Many Balkan countries are stupid and violent."
"I wish I was stupid and violent," said Albania. He cracked his knuckles and glowered into the distance. "Then we'd see what's what."
"How are they doing?"
"You want the long version or the short version, Dad?" Montana said as she looked over the footage from the surveillance cameras.
"Do you have an easy version?"
"To put it simply, I think your friends are a bunch of self-destructive idiots."
"What?"
"I'm serious, Dad. Just look at this."
She pulled up one of the recordings. In it, Team Nine were shown sitting around in a circle and discussing philosophy and theology. It was clear they had no idea where they were or where to go and had no intention of addressing their situation.
"Or this."
Montana switched to another recording. It showed Team Ten struggling to climb the cliffs together.
"Don't get so close to me," Israel said to Palestine.
"How about you stay the fuck away from me, ass-face," said Palestine.
"Could you both please stop for just five minutes?" Lithuania pleaded.
"Yeah, keep your lover's quarrel to yourselves," said Guatemala.
"You fucker!" Israel shouted, aiming a kick at Guatemala.
"That is seriously disgusting," said Palestine.
"Wait, what lover's quarrel?" said Slovakia. "I thought they were brothers."
"Shut the fuck up!" said Israel.
"How about all of you shut up?" said DR Congo, glaring down at them. "I have enough shit going on in my life without the rest of you adding to it. Can we just get through this race without any more arguments?"
Everyone paused for a moment.
"He started it," Israel and Palestine said at the same time.
"Oh, my God!" said DR Congo. "That is fucking it!"
He was right above them on the cliff, his incredibly muscular arms holding up the full weight of his body, giving him the right placement and range of movement to slam his feet down onto their hands. Israel and Palestine both fell shrieking off the cliff.
"You do realize we're going to lose the race if they aren't with us at the top, right?" said Sudan.
"I find that an acceptable loss," said DR Congo.
America winced as the footage ended, but Montana wasn't finished.
"Or this," she said.
The next recording was of Team Seventeen.
"Maybe you shouldn't use explosives to get out of the forest," said Armenia.
"Maybe you should shut the fuck up," said Azerbaijan.
"I don't think the United States is going to take kindly to us blowing up his forest," said Peru.
"Who cares what he thinks?" said Ecuador. "I say, 'light it up, amigo.'"
"Blow it up, Aykhan," Kuwait said to Azerbaijan. "Blow it up! I am sick of this crap!"
"Guys, this really seems like a bad idea," said Iceland.
At that point in the footage, a number of red dots appeared on them from all directions.
"I'm not normally one to dissuade people from using explosives if they want to," Montana's cheery voice echoed over a loudspeaker. "But, if you do anything to my forests, I'll use your corpses for hog-feed."
"Maybe I should put this back where I got it," Azerbaijan said, carefully putting down the dynamite he had somehow obtained.
"Uh, Jeanie, it wasn't very polite to threaten to turn them into hog-feed," said America. "Kuwait, Azerbaijan, and Chad are Muslim. They can't go near pigs."
"Fine, fine. Since it's such a big deal, I'll allow them to opt for being turned into mulch for the garden, instead."
"That's all I'm asking for. A little cultural sensitivity can go a long way."
"I'm serious, though, Dad. If any of these teams makes it to the end intact, it will be nothing short of a miracle."
"Wow, this view is great," Seychelles said as she and the rest of Team Eight reached the summit.
"I can't believe we actually made it," said Nauru. "I don't think I could have gotten up that cliff on my own."
"No kidding, tubby," said Kosovo.
Nauru turned away and, once again, refused to look her in the eyes. He doubted she was going to let go of her anger at him for withdrawing his recognition of her any time soon. It was hardly his fault that she was such a controversial nation, he was just some little island and who could really blame him for trying to look after his own interests?
"It sure was nice of Team One to tell us about those shortcuts up the mountain," said Liechtenstein.
"I wonder why they didn't use them, themselves," said San Marino.
"Portugal said they just wanted to chill and enjoy the scenery," said Andorra.
"There's the zip line," said Monaco, pointing ahead.
The group hurried over to where an exceptionally long cable ran down the other side of the peak, disappearing into another stretch of woodlands down below. The cable had a harness fixed on it, with another wire attached to bring the harness back up once a rider reached the end of the zip line.
"Well, ladies first," said Nauru, who looked considerably more nervous than before.
"What's wrong?" said Kosovo, smirking. "Scared?"
"I'm not scared."
"Then how about you go first?"
"I don't want to."
"I knew it. You're scared."
"I will not be pressured by someone who isn't even a real nation!"
Everyone else took a step back as Kosovo leveled a stony expression at Nauru.
"What did you just say?"
The tension grew heavier with each passing second. Poor Burundi could hardly stand it and looked to be on the verge of tears, prompting Gambia to do her best to calm him. Thankfully, they were granted a reprieve from the potential fight.
"Hello, up there," a new voice called out. It was Mozambique, along with the rest of Team Six.
"Marcos, how nice to see you," said Seychelles, visibly relieved at the interruption.
"Dear Michelle, lovely to see you, as always," Mozambique said with an easy smile.
"Are you all the first ones here?" said Eswatini.
"As far as we know," said Andorra. "Um, you all aren't going to fight us for first place, right?"
"Of course not," said Bangladesh. "You all got here first, fair and square. But…are you all okay? You look a little…upset about something."
"Why don't you ask Nauru?" Kosovo said, crossing her arms with a huff. "He's the one who said I'm not a real nation."
North Macedonia rushed over to give Kosovo a sisterly hug.
"It's all right, Arjana," she said. "Don't let him get to you."
"I don't get why she's targeting me," said Nauru. "Burundi withdrew his recognition of her, too."
Everyone looked at Burundi, who seemed as though he was going to start crying again. Vanuatu gave Nauru an incredulous look.
"Aweida, I don't think that was quite the comeback you thought it was," she said. "Besides, I doubt Burundi withdrew his recognition of Kosovo for the same less-than-noble reasons you did."
"What do you mean by that, Vanessa?" Nauru said, eyes shifting from side to side. "I did it for purely common-sense reasons."
"Heh, seriously? You're going to lie to my face." Vanuatu turned to the others. "He always does this. He's got a bad habit of recognizing nations to get financial aid from them and then un-recognizes them so he can beg financial aid from their enemies."
"Are you kidding me?" Kosovo said in disbelief. "It's all just one big scam to you, is that it?"
"Well, I, uh…" Nauru had turned bright red in embarrassment.
Kosovo, however, wasn't going to let him off easy. Loosing herself from North Macedonia's persistent hug therapy, she grabbed Nauru by the front of his shirt and dragged him over to the zip line. She then strapped him to the harness and shoved him over the edge, his screams swiftly echoing in the distance.
"Huh, that actually looked kind of fun," said Uzbekistan. She turned to her teammates. "I want to go first when it's our turn."
"Well," said Bangladesh, "I suppose we'll just wait for you all to finish going down the line. Wish I'd thought to bring a book or something to pass the time."
Team Six all found places to sit on the nearby rocks. Sweden somehow managed to produce some knitting materials and set to working on what appeared to be a blanket in a blue and white pattern.
"You're really not going to make us give up first place?" said Monaco.
"Why bother?" said Mozambique. "You got here before us, so you won the race. Besides, aren't we all just here to have fun?"
"I guess you're right," said Liechtenstein. "By the way, how did you all get up here so soon after we did?"
"Team One let us have a look at their map. They said winning didn't matter to them and that they just wanted to take their time and have a nice walk."
"Really?" said Andorra. "They said basically the same thing to us."
"I think they have some kind of system going," Qatar spoke up. "They've been carefully avoiding anyone who would try to steal the map from them."
"All we did was ask them politely for a look," said Georgia, who was fixing her long braids. "Honestly, I never thought that would work."
"Is it not supposed to?" said Liechtenstein.
The nations of Team Six all exchanged thoughtful looks.
"I mean, I don't think many nations have thought to do that," said Bangladesh. "I suppose it did turn out to be worth it."
"Somethin' to consider for future," Sweden said, not looking up from his knitting.
It was nearly midnight when the last of the teams finally landed at the new campsite. Despite being some of the most powerful nations in the past, Team Two did not come out of the experience looking their best.
"Thanks a lot, you stupid brats," China said as he angrily picked twigs and dirt out of his hair. "We're dead last."
"No, we're not," Turkey said, smiling despite having bruised his jaw somewhere along their journey. "Greece isn't here. Team One hasn't made it in, yet."
"They're barely even competing."
"I said, 'Greece isn't here.' Which means I beat him here. As far as I'm concerned, that's all that really matters."
Team One wasn't absent for much longer, as they soon began to descend on the zip line. Despite how badly they lost, they were one of the least injured of all the teams and clearly looked to be in good spirits.
Once everyone had quieted down, America announced the winners of the race were Team Eight. In second place was Team Six and third was Team Five. America also gave special commendations to Team One for "good sportsmanship" in their willingness to share their map with other teams with the common decency to simply ask politely. The teams that had tried to steal the map all groaned in frustration.
"Well, I must say, that went better than I expected," Montana said brightly. "You all have really worked hard today."
"Can we please go home, now?" someone begged.
"Are you joking? It's only Day Five. Get some rest, everyone. Tomorrow, we start on the special weekend-long activity."
There was a chorus of sobbing as the nations shuffled off to their new tents. Unbeknownst to the nations, there was another group in the woods that night. Waiting. Watching. Cold smiles drawing across their lips.
It was time to play.
Author's Note: Yes, I really, truly came up with at least a basic idea for every sovereign state in the world (not done by Hetalia) and even some with partial recognition. It was torturous trying to find enough information to make each one unique, and the human names thing was especially hard.
I had not initially planned on putting the former empires/big boss nations on the same team. I just redid the team arrangements so much that having them together made the most sense. Also, if you're confused about why a small country like Tonga is with them, look up the Tui Tonga Empire.
Bahrain being the one providing contraband is a bit of cultural knowledge I got from a family friend who has traveled around the Middle East quite a bit. Apparently, in Saudi Arabia, they have a phrase, "Allah cannot see across the causeway," which refers to the fact that wealthy Saudi men frequently cross over into Bahrain to party (drinking, smoking, dancing at nightclubs, and everything else a good Muslim shouldn't do). Also, because the men get so wrecked, they then have their wives drive them home across the bridge (bear in mind, Saudi women are not allowed to drive and typically wear full face-covering hijab) – needless to say, accidents are very common. Basically, it's the Middle Eastern equivalent of "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."
I think I mentioned the Unabomber and MK-Ultra connection in the last chapter. I just wanted to add that, in my story, Virginia "persuaded" Montana to participate in the experiment. The reason America found out is that Virginia also outright kidnapped West Virginia for the project, as well, but West Virginia escaped and told America what happened. It goes without saying that Virginia was in A LOT of trouble for that.
As for Montana's weird ice powers…I feel that pretty much needs no explanation.
Also, yes, the U.S. was sort of, technically invited to invade Panama by the rightfully elected government of Guillermo Endara in order to oust the dictator, Manuel Noriega. I have a soft spot in my heart for Panama and I like to think my Panama OC has a bit of a thing for America.
Oh, did you all know that the micronation of Hutt River was dissolved in 2020? I decided to hint at his impending downfall in this chapter (though, personally, I think micronations end up turning human when they're dissolved – I think that was implied in the show with Nikoniko).
The song America and Montana sing is a pre-Civil War, African-American spiritual. Its strongly pacifist themes have led to it being popular in anti-war movements (especially during the Vietnam War). Needless to say, it is in the public domain, so there's no copyright concern for using it.
"Nointer" – Tasmanian slang for a mischievous kid.