Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. Legolas: I wasn't in the last chapter. Me: Everything isn't always about you, you know. Legolas: Yes, it is. These stories are ALWAYS about me. Me: Not this one. Legolas: Liar.
Chapter 2The Gods Must Be Crazy
"Ooomph!"
I landed hard on my butt, legs sprawled out in front of me. The very first thing I noticed was, unless someone had replaced my bedroom's threadbare gray carpet with one of lush green grass and trees, that I was no longer in my room.
The second thing I noticed...or rather, the second and third things I noticed, were my boobs. They weren't the same ones I woke up with that morning.
Standing, I looked down at my chest in awe. "Manwe! What did you do?" I yelled, cupping those babies in disbelief. "These are not mine! These are HUGE! More than that, they're...buoyant!"
"Well, at least ye will never have to worry about drowning," came a voice from somewhere to my right.
Spinning around, I saw no one in the forest with my new boobs and me.
"Down here, Lassie."
I looked down to see a very small person, with long, matted red hair and beard, dressed like a renaissance faire reject.
"Did you just call me a dog, Tiny Tim?" I asked, still cupping those melons.
"No. I called ye a lass, and ye can let go of those now...I don't think they're likely to fall off anytime soon."
I quickly dropped my hands, putting them behind me. Feeling something extremely odd back there, I felt around a bit. "MANWE! What did you do with the rest of me? I had a butt when I woke up this morning! Where is it? Where ARE YOU?" I screamed to the sky.
"Lassie, he's not going to answer...he's done his job."
"Dumping me in the middle of nowhere with someone else's boobs and ass is what he considers 'doing his job?'" I yelled, putting my hands on my waist and scowling down at the little guy.
I felt my fingers encircle my waist... they nearly touched! I hadn't been able to do that since I was ten! Mentally, I added 'tiny waist' to the list of things I needed to discuss with Manwe when I found him.
"Aye. Well, not exactly. Ye aren't in the middle of nowhere...Yer in the middle of Mirkwood. Forest, that is. In Middle Earth. Me name is Gimli, son of Gloin. I'm a Dwarf, in case ye be wondering. I'm also the one chosen by Manwe to be yer first contact here," Gimli said. "Welcome to Middle Earth. Ye are here through a benevolent act of the Valar, to serve a purpose unknown to any but them," he concluded in an obviously very well rehearsed speech.
"Swell. Trapped in a forest I've never heard of, in a body that doesn't remotely resemble the one I had twenty minutes ago, with a gnome on a power trip. Perfect!"
"Auch! Yer gonna be trouble, aren't ye, Lassie? Gnome, indeed! I told ye I was a Dwarf!" Gimli yelled, quite affronted and fingering his axe.
"Oh, pardon me...Dwarf. Well, Dwarf...what am I supposed to do now?" I asked sarcastically.
"That's Master Dwarf to you, Lassie," Gimli corrected, still peeved at my callous disregard of his race.
"You've GOT to be kidding! The day I call anybody 'master' is the day they bury me, new boobs, ass, and all!" I cried, bending down to go nose to nose with him.
"Fine! Have it ye own way! Just call me Gimli, then. Anything to get ye to SHUT UP!" he yelled back.
"That's better. Alright, Gimli, just what am I supposed to do now?" I asked, straightening up and looking around. "There doesn't seem to be much here except trees. Which reminds me of another thing...did Manwe the Magnificent ever stop to wonder whether I might have allergies? The pollen here is going to kill me!"
"Nothing here will kill ye, as long as I'm around, Lassie. Never fear!" Gimli said bravely, puffing out his chest and holding up his axe.
"Oh, my hero!" I shot back sarcastically. "I meant that in a few minutes I'm likely to start sneezing until I die."
"Do ye have a cold? We'll have to make a stop to see the Healers, then..."
'I don't have a cold...oh, forget it! Just tell me what I'm supposed to do now!"
"Alright, then Lassie...er, do ye have a name?" Gimli asked, craning his head to see past my new boobs.
"Emmess," I replied, reddening a little. "I know, I know...it's a stupid name. My parents were children of the sixties. Too much acid.'
"Oh, Lassie, I'm sorry...they were burned?"
"Burned-out is more like it...never mind," I said. I wasn't even going to attempt to explain hallucinogenics to the little guy.
'Well, Emmess, we best be going," Gimli said, beckoning me to follow. "We need to walk a bit to get to the clearing where he's waiting."
"Where who's waiting?" I asked, following the Dwarf deeper into the forest.
"The one Manwe sent ye here to meet...me best friend...Legolas Greenleaf, the Prince of Mirkwood.
"Oh, this just gets better and better..." I said under my breath, following him through the brush.
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