Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. Legolas: Told you this would be about me! Me: Anyone ever tell you that you're really annoying, Elf? Pretty, but annoying. Legolas: All the time...

Chapter 3

Deliverance

"Ouch! Oooph! Ouch!"

"Lassie! What in Arda are ye doing back there?" Gimli called from several yards ahead of me. "Ye need to keep up!"

"Easier said than done, Dwarf! This dress Manwe put me in keeps getting snagged on every twig in the forest! Hasn't anyone in this world ever heard of jeans? Hiking boots? UNDERWEAR?" I yelled, pulling my skirt free of yet another branch.

"Underwhat? Jean who? What the devil are ye talking about?" Gimli asked, walking back to where I stood, trying to disentangle myself from a briar patch.

"Pants, Gimli. Like the ones you're wearing," I said, wincing at the ripping sound my skirt made as it came free.

"Females do not wear leggings -'Twould be indecent!" Gimli answered, eyes wide.

"Oh, really? Pants would be indecent, but giant boobs bulging out of low cut dresses are okay? Guess what the first thing is that I'm going to change around here?" I snapped, tripping over a log half hidden by brush. "Is every male in this world as much a chauvinistic pig as you?"

"Oh, a pig now, am I? First a gnome, now a pig...yer getting' on me last nerve, lassie," Gimli growled, turning around and heading off again.

"Sor-ry! I'm just a little out of sorts, okay? It's not everyday that I get pulled into another world by some guy in my mirror, put in a body that doesn't belong to me, and find myself getting dragged through the great wilderness by a short guy with an attitude! OW!"

"NOW WHAT?"

"My hair is caught on a bush! Hey...my hair wasn't long enough to catch on anything when I got here...MANWE! STOP MESSING WITH MY BODY!" I screamed, taking hold of my long mane with both hands and yanking it free.

"Will ye kindly SHUT UP! Yer going to attract every beast in the forest with that shrieking!" Gimli admonished, walking on ahead.

"How much further is this clearing, anyway? We've been walking forever!"

"Do ye EVER do anything but complain, woman? It's just up ahead. As a matter of fact, ye might want to take a moment now to...er...compose yerself."

"Compose what...oh..." I said, looking down at myself. My new boobs were struggling to break free of the bodice of my dress. I pulled and yanked until I had them back under control. "I think these are going to be more trouble than they're worth..." I thought to myself, giving a final yank on my bodice.

Gimli led the way into a small clearing in the wood. He led me to a large rock, and motioned for me to have a seat. Sighing, I - for once - did what he told me to do without complaining. My feet were killing me.

He walked a few feet away, then turned to face me. Clearing his throat he began to speak in a very formal voice, "May I present His Highness, Lord of the Wood, Prince of Mirkwood..."

"He makes you announce him...even here, in the middle of nowhere? What an ego!" I interrupted, putting a hand over my mouth to stifle a sudden fit of snorting giggles.

"Lassie! Fer the last time, will ye PLEASE shut up and let me do my job?"

"Sorry." I sat on the rock, took off my shoe and started rubbing my foot.

Gimli cleared his throat again. "As I was saying," he began again, shooting me a dirty look, "His Highness, Lord of the Wood, Prince of Mirkwood, Legolas Greenleaf!"

I listened for the sound of trumpets, but I guess that would have been a bit much.

A tall figure, dressed in a pale blue tunic and leggings, stepped out of the brush next to Gimli.

"Hannon le, Gimli," he said in a deep, soft voice. "Is this she?"

"No Laddie, this is some other girl I found wandering in yer forest. Of course this is she!" Gimli had exhausted his patience on me and had none left for the Prince.

Legolas raised an elegant eyebrow at Gimli. "Is something wrong, mellon min? You seem a bit...irritated."

"Oh, you'll see for yerself soon enough, Laddie," he said as they both approached me. "Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood, may I present the Lady Emmess, of...somewhere else."

"Milady, I welcome you to Arda, and to Mirkwood," he said, giving me a slight bow.

"Yeah, nice to meet you," I said, not taking my eyes off the blisters that were raising on my feet. "Would you look at this? Haven't you people ever heard of tennis shoes?"

"You see, Laddie? Now ye know why I'm so grouchy," Gimli said to Legolas, smacking him on the arm. "Emmess!" he continued, addressing me, "It is customary to look at someone when they are speaking to ye! It is also customary for a lady to curtsey when she's presented to royalty!"

"Curtsey? Well pardon me for not being familiar with sovereign etiquette...we don't have royalty where I come from! Unless you count celebrities...but I wouldn't curtsey to them either!" I threw back at him, still not looking up from my poor, aching feet.

"Auch! She's a winner, this one is..." Gimli said, clearly exasperated with me. "In any case, Legolas, me job here is done. I'm going back to the Hall and get meself very drunk. Good luck, Laddie."

Without a further word, he stomped off toward the north east, disappearing into the forest.

"Eh-hem," Legolas cleared his throat, evidently trying to get my attention. "Milady...Milady? We need to go now...the hour grows late."

I finally put my shoe back on - painfully, mind you - and looked up at the stranger standing in front of me.

Wow.

He was very tall and broad shouldered, with a narrow waist and hips that the snug tunic showed off very well. His features combined in some odd mix of alchemy to form a flawless, unbelievably handsome face, framed by very long, silky strands of platinum hair. Held away from his face by a glittery twisted metal crown, I could see that some of his hair had been intricately braided, but most hung free. His eyes were a soft, clear blue, fringed with thick golden lashes, under delicately arched brows - and they were looking right at me.

Double wow.

I did the only thing a woman in my position, faced with the most gorgeous creature ever conceived, could have done at that moment...I yelled at him.

"Well, excuse me, your highness, but your little gnome messenger boy has just finished dragging my sorry butt through a freaking jungle...my blisters have blisters. So I'm sure you'll pardon me if I don't jump up and come running - I'm just a little pissed off!"

"Egads," he said, arching those smooth brows and widening those incredible eyes, " Gimli did not jest..." he said under his breath.

"I heard that!' I told him, putting my hands on my new, pleasingly rounded hips.

"My apologies, Milady...um...may I call you Emmess?" he asked, giving me another slight bow.

'Yes, I suppose you can, since it's my name...and please stop bobbing up and down like that - you're making me dizzy," I replied, my mouth still running amok.

I couldn't help but let my eyes wander over his face again...and froze when I realized that there was something definitely wrong with his ears.

He saw the look on my face, and frowned slightly. "Emmess, is something wrong?"

"Your ears...are, um...well...they're pointy."

"Of course."

"Of course? You planning on going to a Star Trek convention later?"

"We gaze at the stars here, Emmess - we do not journey to them," Legolas explained patiently.

"No...I mean the Mr. Spock thing...oh, never mind. I keep forgetting I'm not in Kansas anymore. What's with the ears?"

"I'm an Elf. We all have pointy ears."

"You're a what?" I asked, rubbing my own ears. "Did you say that you're an ELF?"

"Of course...didn't Manwe tell you?"

"Manwe didn't tell me anything...I thought elves were little people, like Gnome-boy..."

"Gimli is a dwarf, not a gnome, and he happens to be my best friend, so I would appreciate it if you would please refer to him with a little respect," Legolas said, his beautiful eyes narrowing.

I took a deep breath, and sighed, my new delicate shoulders slumping. "I'm sorry. I'm being a real brass balled bitch, aren't I? I really am sorry. It's just that this has been a helluva day...can we please start over?" I asked. I didn't like the red that was creeping into his eyes as he began to get angry. Besides, so far, everyone had done nothing but try to be nice to me. The only one I should really be pissed at was Manwe, and he was no where to be found.

"Certainly. It is perfectly understandable...given the circumstances," Legolas replied genteelly, his eyes returning to that lovely shade of blue. "Elves are not little...my race is actually quite tall. Our ears are pointed, and our eyesight is extremely acute," he continued, a small smile playing about his full lips. His eyes darted down to my chest and back again.

I looked down and, low and behold, the girls were trying to escape again.