Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. Legolas: I'm too sexy for my shirt...too sexy for my shirt... Me: Knock it off, Elfboy. Legolas: You want me...come on, admit it! Me: How did you fit in through the door with a head that big? Legolas: Hey...you're the one describing me as, and I quote, 'the most gorgeous creature ever conceived..." Me: That's why it's called fiction.

Chapter 4

My Fair Lady

Quickly spinning around - no mean feat since I was still sitting on that rock - I discreetly jammed the twins back into their corral. Peeking back over my shoulder, I saw Legolas looking down at the ground with a smile.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you that it's not nice to laugh at someone else's discomfort?"

"My apologies, again, Emmess," he replied, starting to bow, but catching himself in time. I noticed that he didn't look very sorry.

Turning back around, I asked, "You said before that you've spoken to Manwe...what exactly did he tell you? Do you know why he felt the need to completely turn my life upside down?"

"Aye, he has reasons. You are to be my escort this night at a celebration being held by my father, King Thranduil of Mirkwood."

"A party? You need a date for a party, so Manwe decides the best course of action is to yank some poor unsuspecting soul in from another dimension? What kind of sick, twisted people are you?" I raged, jumping up from the rock and stamping my new size 3 foot. Looking up into that incredible face, I added, "Besides, do you honestly expect me to believe that you couldn't get a date on your own?"

"None like you, Emmess," he said simply, in that soft velvet voice.

Damn. The guy was good, I had to give him that. He had succeeded in completely flustering me...no easy task.

"What's this party for?" I asked, finding a piece of lint on my sleeve suddenly fascinating. "Ugh. I can't believe I'm letting this guy do this to me! I haven't acted this way since middle school," I thought to myself, unable to raise my eyes from that imaginary piece of lint. I could actually feel a blush creeping up my neck, and hated myself for it.

"'Tis the Summer Solstice. It is a very important, traditional event for my people. We are expecting visiting dignitaries from all over Arda," Legolas replied. "I would be greatly indebted to you if you would agree to allow me to escort you...I know how difficult this entire situation must be for you."

"Well, I suppose since I'm stuck here and all..." I answered, finally prying my eyes up from my sleeve. "Manwe will send me back after the party, right?"

"Excellent! We shall ride at once for the Great Hall," he smiled, ignoring my question.

"Ride?" I thought, looking around the clearing. I couldn't see anything that even remotely resembled transportation.

Legolas let out a loud, shrill whistle. Just a few moments later, a huge white horse galloped into the clearing, coming to rest next to Legolas.

"Oh, no..." I thought, looking at the horse, then down at my chest, "I'm having a hard enough time keeping these things in line as it is...I'll knock myself out bouncing around on that horse."

Legolas smiled, unaware of my thoughts - I hoped - and in one smooth motion, leapt up to straddle the horse. I stood looking up at him, fully aware the he was enjoying an aerial view of my assets. He reached down with one hand, grabbing my own. Before I knew it, I was seated in front of him on the horse, his arm securely holding me in place.

'Relax, Emmess...Arod can sense that you are nervous," Legolas said quietly, just behind my right ear.

"Sorry...can't help it. The only horse I've ever ridden was on a carousel."

"I know not what breed of horse that is, but Arod has served me well since the War...he will not falter, and neither will I. I will not let you fall, Emmess," he reassured me, tightening his grip on my waist.

I felt him nudge the horse with his heels, and we were off at a trot. A very bouncy trot. An extremely bouncy trot. I quickly threw my arms across my chest trying desperately to keep my new boobs inside the bodice of my dress where they belonged. Not to mention from hitting me in the chin.

We rode for nearly a half-hour, at my best guess. Up and down, up and down...it felt like my boobs were doing aerobics. Distracted though I was, I also felt something even more disturbing than my wayward chest...it seemed Legolas was rising to the occasion.

"Oh god...please tell me that's not what I think it is..." I thought, feeling that damn blush creeping back. "Oh god, it is. Wow, the Elfboy's got hidden talent..." I couldn't help but think admirably. I shook my head and forced my attention back my own two problems.

We finally approached the large mouth of a cave set into a hillside. Legolas reined the horse to a stop and slid off. I noticed that he turned away for a moment...adjusting himself. I took that moment to peek down and make sure everything I now owned was where it should be.

Reaching up, he lifted me from my perch seemingly without effort. Smiling and offering me his arm, he led me into the cavern, while another elf led the horse in different direction.

"Welcome to the Great Hall of Mirkwood, Emmess," Legolas said, grandly sweeping his arm to encompass the gigantic cavern. I looked around in amazement, trying to take everything in at once and failing miserably.

The cavern was a tremendous atrium, easily the size of a football field, stretching deep into the mountainside. Several tiers of walkways were carved into the sides, with innumerous doors lining them. Somehow, they managed to grow trees, plants, and flowers from the bare earth floor, without benefit of sunlight. The entire effect was of an indoor garden, beautifully landscaped and vibrant with color.

Everywhere I looked, I saw Elves, very much like Legolas, scurrying about on their little Elf errands. They were all tall and willowy, moving quickly and gracefully about the cavern. Both male and females sported long, shining hair, and all of them were beautiful. New body or not, I was already beginning to feel inferior.

I noticed that every Elf that passed Legolas gave him both a smile and a nod. Several stopped and actually bowed, though he dismissed these with a smile and a wave of his hand, as if it embarrassed him.

"Laddie! I see ye made it back in time...alive," came a voice from our left. Gimli approached, holding a mug in one hand, and what appeared to be the largest turkey leg I had ever seen in his other.

"I'd have thought the she-devil would have chewed ye up and spit ye out by now!"

Legolas gave me a meaningful look. A look that meant I had some apologizing to do. Ordinarily, I'm not very good at apologizing, especially to bossy gnomes, but I felt it best to be the bigger man...so to speak.

"Gimli...um, I'm...um..."

"Sorry? Regretful? Remorseful? Contrite? Fer being rude? Obnoxious? Annoying? Troublesome? Take yer pick, Lassie," Gimli said snidely.

"Hey! I'm trying to be nice, here! You're not helping things, Dwarf!" I yelled, getting my dander up.

"That's MASTER Dwarf, I told ye!" Gimli hollered back, slopping his ale over the rim of his mug.

Legolas stepped between us, giving us both a stern look. "Enough! Emmess was trying to apologize, Gimli...let it go at that," he said to the Dwarf, who was still muttering under his beard. "Emmess, Gimli was only doing his job...he is not to blame for your being here," he admonished, looking at me looking at Gimli. "You both need to learn to get along." Turning to me again, he said, "Do I make myself clear?"

It was obvious that he was used to being obeyed when he used that tone of voice. It was equally obvious that he had never used it on me before.

'Listen, Princey...I think I've been a really good sport about all this so far. DO NOT make the mistake of thinking you can order me around, because that ain't gonna happen in this lifetime! Do I make MYSELF clear?" I spat, poking him in the chest. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Elves stopping in their tracks all over the Hall and staring in our direction.

"Princey? PRINCEY? I...YOU...WE...ARGH!" Legolas shouted, throwing up his hands and stalking off, leaving me standing alone with the Dwarf in the middle of the Great Hall of Mirkwood.

'Now ye've done it, Lass..." Gimli said, taking a huge bite of his turkey leg. "I've not seen him this upset since he thought Aragorn fell to his death in Rohan..."

"He deserved it! I am NOT one his subjects..." I sputtered, more angry than I'd been in a long while. Flopping myself onto a nearby bench, I looked at Gimli, munching away on his drumstick. "Gimli...I really am sorry for the way I treated you before. You're right...I was being a bitch."

Gimli looked at me and actually smiled. "Lassie, if it had been me in yer shoes, I'd likely have beaten me silly right there in the grove Manwe dropped ye in," he said, laughing. "Don't think anything of it!"

I looked at him gratefully, glad to at least have one person in this whole miserable world who was willing to speak with me. I had not missed the sideways glances and frowns I had been receiving from the Elves in the Hall after Legolas stomped off.

"Ah, Lassie..." Gimli said, motioning toward me with his drumstick.

"Huh?" I followed his line of sight and realized that, to top everything off, I was giving the Hall a free show.