A/N: Wooffles is back! Found this and thought I'd add more...so happy reading, folks!
Serena: Welcome to ADA for the Day. I am your host, Serena Southerlyn!
Claire: I really thought I was the host...
Serena: Jack's current assistant gets to be the host!
Jamie: But that isn't fair, because we didn't start the show until you were Jack's assistant.
Serena: Too bad you didn't think of it sooner.
Claire: Considering Jack loved ME, not YOU, I should be the host.
Jamie: Now, Claire, you don't know that. looks around Where's Abbie?
Claire: Who the hell cares? She should learn to be on time. So, anyway, we decided to do a series sort of like American Idol...so, today we're interviewing some more contestants. Hopefully they'll be a little bit better than last time.
Serena: whining Claire, I'm supposed to say that! Well, anyway, I'm the host, and Claire, Jamie, and Abbie are the judges...if Abbie ever decides to show up...Abbie bursts through the door
Claire: annoyed You're late.
Abbie: I thought someone was following me, so I took the scenic route...to confuse him, you know?
Claire sighs
Serena: whispering Get in your places, guys, I have to let the contestants in.
Claire: I resent being called a "guy."
Jamie: Cry me a river. I need to get this over with and rescue my daughter from the evil clutches of my ex-husband.
Abbie: I'm drowning over here.
Jamie and Claire: Shut up!
Claire: under her breath Antifeminist Republican.
Abbie: I heard that, you hippie liberal bleeding heart.
Serena: Please welcome Mary Doe! a seventy year old woman wearing a bikini walks in; Claire and Abbie jump under their chairs, covering their eyes; Jamie faints So, Mary, what to you do for a living?
Mary: I'm a prostitute. Serena starts coughing
Abbie: So, um, where did you go to law school?
Mary: Everyone knows that passing the bar exam just makes you a dirty, lying, thieving ass.
Serena: Excuse me?
Mary: Why don't you all take up my business? You could make quite a bit of money with bodies like those. Lawyering is a...how can I put this...man's job.
Claire starts hyperventilating
Abbie: You have some nerve! So why do you want to do this...this man's job, if it's a...man's job...you know what? Just get out of here while you're still alive and...doing whatever it is you do.
Mary: I just wanted to spend some time with that Jack McCoy. He's supposed to be good in bed...
Claire: WHAT! Jack would never get in bed with...with an old hooker! Jack wouldn't...YOU DON'T DESERVE HIM! Even though he is pro-death penalty.
Mary: looks interestedly at Claire Are you a ghost?
Serena: Shouldn't have said that...
Claire: sobs Old hooker...tries to steal Jack...my Jack...called me dead...she said...I was a ghost...
Abbie: patting Claire's head It's alright Claire. We know you're alive and kicking and Jack loves you.
Claire: Stop petting me like a dog! I'm not a dog! I'm a LIVING HUMAN BEING! And you have no right to...to...PET ME LIKE A DOG!
Abbie: Okay, I'm sorry. I'm trying to be comforting.
Claire: howls Like I'm some kind of crazy psychopath who needs therapeutic head massages...leave me alone! You probably voted for Bush!
Abbie: Well, he IS from Texas.
Jamie: starting to come to What? Who's from Texas? to Mary You're not from Texas...you're fired...
Serena: I think that's Donald Trump's line.
Abbie: Shut up, Serena.
Claire: You tell her, Abbie. sobbing Abbie's the only one who understands!
Serena: You hated her just a minute ago.
Claire: I NEVER HATED ABBIE! I HATE YOU!
Abbie: Serena, you have to give some leeway for her...whisper she's not in her best state of mind. clears her throat Mary, Ms. Doe, step into my office. Serena and Claire snicker; Jamie looks around bewilderedly. Flushing and screaming sounds are heard from inside a toilet stall. Mary runs out crying; Abbie looks smug.
Jamie: Where am I?
Serena: You're in a bathroom. We're on TV.
Jamie: Where's Katie?
Abbie: With your ex-husband, at the moment.
Jamie: Oh my God, he's going to brainwash her! I have to go save my baby from that evil man! runs out
Claire: Don't say "god." starts hyperventilating
Serena: I don't think she meant it like that, Claire.
Abbie: Serena, don't argue with her when she's like this.
Claire: Like WHAT!?
Abbie: Well, upset.
Claire: screaming I am NOT upset!
Serena: Could have fooled me.
Claire: You little blonde idiot! drags Serena into a stall, sticks her head in the toilet, and flushes it. Serena's screams are heard throughout the building.
Abbie: Great, now that sasparilly guy is going to come in here again.
Serena: sniffling I thought you guys were buddies.
Claire: DON'T CALL ABBIE A GUY! Do you want another swirly?!
Abbie: That's my job!
Claire: We can work together.
Serena: But, as I was saying, you were friends with him.
Abbie: He now thinks I'm his best friend just because I'm the only other non-Democrat he knows. He's rehearsing his speech for the Republican National Convention.
Claire: What fun. I think he deserves a swirly for that one.
Serena: Well, that's all for now folks. Come again.
Abbie: Wait...the show can't be over!
Serena: Oh yes it can! I have the power now! I have the power of the one ring! shows off her ring with a diabolical laugh
Claire: I think that was an obscene gesture.
Abbie: Serena...step into my...
Claire: Our!
Abbie: Office.
A/N: Did anyone else see Fred Dalton Thompson at the RNC? Because someone who looked and sounded exactly like him gave a pretty cool speech. Only, they didn't say who it was (I tuned in about halfway through the speech.) so I'm not sure. Can anyone tell me if that was actually him?