Chapter Three: With You
Shinji opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling. The dream faded from his mind quickly and thrust him back into the inhospitable real world. This morning didn't even afford him the blissful moment of neutrality most did, the moment before the actions of the previous day caught up with him. There was no surprise, as he'd been dreading this feeling since those eyes had closed. He was a monster. And he was afraid.
What have I done? he thought. I've become what I hate and others fear. He bolted upright in his bed. Others like Rei...
Panic overtook him, the panic of one about to be caught in the act of some horrid crime. But he already had been caught, by her, by himself. By everyone at NERV. It was common knowledge now that he had snapped. Unlike the release he'd felt yesterday, this morning the others' fear infected him as well. While he sat there, frozen, he knew that he had to get up. He had to repair the damage.
Quickly pulling on some clothes, Shinji snuck through the apartment to the door. He was afraid of others being afraid of him, and so moved stealthily outward. The door panel slid shut behind him, and despite its relative silence it seemed deafening.
He walked a few paces forward and turned left. Her apartment door loomed over him threateningly. For some reason, right then Shinji thought of the dream with his father. His hand moved up to touch the electronic doorbell and stopped a few inches away. It hovered there unsteadily, shaking, and moved not.
Come on...you can do this, he thought. Nothing's changed. Just go in there and tell her you're sorry. It's that easy. She loves you, she'll forgive you. Besides, she knows why you're so angry, right? This was going easy on the bastard. And it wasn't even him I hurt. I didn't hurt anyone. It was just a simulation, a program. So hurry up and go finish this thing. How hard can it be?
He stood there, alone in the silence.
I woke up in a dream today, to the cold of the static
And put my cold feet on the floor
(Forgot all about yesterday)
Remembering, I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore
(A little taste of hypocrisy)
And I'm left in the wake of the mistakes, slow to react
And even though you're so close to me, you're still so distant
And I can't bring you back
Shinji's finger came away from the button quickly, recoiling in fear. He turned to run but stopped himself. The door opened.
Rei took a step back, the expectant look gone and one of panic in its place. Her hand jumped toward the door handle and hung there, halfway. Slowly she lowered it to her side. "Shinji."
"Rei. I...I need to talk with you."
She paused for a moment, and nodded, walking back into her living room. Her eyes passed once more over the lock.
Shinji took a seat in one of the newer chairs, one he and Rei had picked together long ago. She sat on the couch. "Rei," he began. She looked up to meet his gaze and found it directed squarely at the ground. "I..." A hesitant sigh. "About yesterday. I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?" she said, knowing exactly what for.
"That thing, in the combat sim. I snapped. I'm sorry. It...it wasn't me in there. I don't know what happened. One minute I'm just gearing up for the session, the next, I go berserk," he lied. "I saw how you looked at me after. I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I wasn't afraid," she said, her voice faltering.
"No, you were, and it's my fault. I shouldn't have...let it out." As soon as he said it, he knew he never should have, and hid his eyes from her searching gaze.
After a long silence, Rei spoke again. Her words came slowly and deliberately, and it was obvious that she thought deeply about each one. "Let what out?"
Shinji clenched his eyes shut, trying to keep his secret safe. In the darkness, set against the afterimage of the windows on the far wall, he saw her still.
It's true, the way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice, painted on my memories
Even if you're not with me
I'm with you
You, now I see, keeping everything inside
(With you)
You, now I see, even when I close my eyes
"I don't know," he said, still avoiding her.
"It's okay, you can tell me."
"No it's not, you can't understand. No one can."
"Shinji, please. You're hiding something. Let me help you."
"No. You don't know what you're talking about."
"Please," she said, reaching out to touch him. "I just want to help you--"
"No!" he yelled, jerking away from her. The chair toppled to the floor. Shinji stumbled back and fell through a glass stereo cabinet door. He hit the wall and sank down, a thin ribbon of blood already trailing from his right forearm. As he reached for the top of the cabinet for support, his arm dragged along the white walls, and they stained bright red.
"Shinji!" she cried, rushing to his side. But as she grew closer, Shinji crawled away.
"No! Get away from me!" He limped toward the door, holding his arm.
"Please don't go! Shinji!"
The door slammed shut behind him.
I hit you and you hit me back
And we fall to the floor; the rest of the day stands still
(Fine line between this and that)
But when things go wrong, I pretend that the past isn't real
(I'm trapped in this memory)
And I'm left in the wake of the mistakes, slow to react
So even though you're close to me, you're still so distant
And I can't bring you back
Shinji's hand slid off the cold steel of his room's doorknob. Droplets of blood fell from it onto the carpet as the hot tears fell from his eyes onto the pillow. He clutched it tightly, muffling his sobs, wanting to be with Rei as strongly as he feared the thought of facing her again.
What have I done? he repeated. I destroyed her home, I pushed her away, I gave her another reason to fear me. Hell, I gave me another reason to fear me. Everything I touch ends up ruined. I'm toxic to her. I should just stay away.
He rolled over. But I can't just leave. I need her. But for what? I can only hurt her. She deserves to be free of me. She deserves better. So what am I supposed to do, just leave her? That'd just hurt her too. So what the hell am I supposed to do? He sighed. Maybe my father was right to abandon me. Maybe I am worthless.
My father.
It all comes back to my father.
He did this to me. He poisoned me, ruined me. He's the reason I'm damaged like this. He's the reason I keep hurting Rei. He hurt her. He twisted her into what she used to be, what she still is just behind her smile. He is her suffering.
A few threads on the sewn edge of the pillow ripped slowly.
It's true, the way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice, painted on my memories
Even if you're not with me
I'm with you
You, now I see, keeping everything inside
(With you)
You, now I see, even when I close my eyes
(With you)
You, now I see, keeping everything inside
(With you)
You, now I see, even when I close my eyes
So what am I going to do?
Shinji rolled over to stare vacantly at the ceiling. I can't run away. I mustn't run away. But I can't keep doing this to her…what's left? Where can I go that no one ends up hurt? This is it, I guess. Here in my room, lights off, door locked, alone. That way she'll be safe.
From what, me? Is that how things work now, loving her by leaving her? But that's always been the order of things, really. The only way I know of showing affection for someone is by leaving them alone so they don't have to bother with me. Wonder where I learned that, he thought bitterly.
Exhaling, he closed his eyes. I don't want this anymore. Take me away from here, anyone. Take me to a place where this is all over. I can't get there on my own.
No, no matter how far we've come
I can't wait to see tomorrow
No matter how far we've come, I
I can't wait to see tomorrowWith you
You, now I see, keeping everything inside
(With you)
You, now I see, even when I close my eyes
(With you)
You, now I see, keeping everything inside
(With you)
You, now I see, even when I close my eyes
"Is he still in there? Pathetic."
Asuka rose from the chair she'd been sitting in since Shinji burst into the apartment in tears. She didn't move from her spot then, instead listening in silently. Now her eyes fell upon the red spots in the carpeting, trailing into his cave, and found in them an opportunity for amusement. Grinning fiendishly, she exited to the outside walkway.