Chapter Six: Runaway
It was cold. The black, sunless skies dumping frigid rain on everything in sight had not relented since Shinji entered their range. Had he given thought to ways of keeping himself warm, it would have been obvious that sitting down to rest, while an attractive concept, would only worsen the problem. Shinji had not thought of this, but it was of no consequence. He trudged onward for different reason altogether.
His mind was totally occupied with maintaining its blankness. In the bleak surroundings, this was no issue. There was nothing to see anyway. Harsh halogen streetlights stood at regular, boring intervals along the sides of each sidewalk he traversed, showing off the utter nothingness Shinji's eyes took in.
Coming to a gap in the brick edifice, he arbitrarily wandered into an alley. Normally he wouldn't even think of entering a shadowy place like this alone, but both these descriptors were moot at this point. Loneliness was a given, and darkness was the norm. Lazily shifting his eyes up from the cracked concrete, Shinji noticed a spray-painted tapestry bonded to the bricks, colors flowing and weaving through each other. He paused to stare at it for a moment, and walked away.
It doesn't matter, he thought. Nobody cares. Someone's going to wash it away soon enough. And whoever created it will only be told how stupid it was to sneak out at night to waste a can of paint. In a few weeks, no one will even remember that it existed. He exhaled contemptuously. If I die tonight, the same will be true of me.
Graffiti decorations
Under a sky of dust
A constant wave of tension
On top of broken trust
All the lessons that you taught me
I learned were never true
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again)
I want to run away, never say goodbye
I want to know the truth, instead of wondering why
I want to know the answers, no more lies
I want to shut the door, and open up my mind
Emerging from the alley, Shinji saw a bright cluster of lights off to his right. Upbeat music projected out the double doors while people talked noisily amongst themselves, the occasional raucous laugh interrupting an otherwise constant stream of chatter. Instinctively, Shinji turned left.
As the commotion faded away behind him, pangs of envy pervaded the gloom. They all seemed so mindlessly happy, without a care in the world, dancing the night away and never questioning what the next morning would bring. They had no one to report back to. They were free. Shinji hated it.
Several dripping streetlights later, another sound stopped his slow progress to nowhere. Above him; he looked up at an apartment's slightly opened window. It was a bedroom, the walls adorned with posters and band logos. Their owner stood staring out through the streaked glass while someone—his father, thought Shinji immediately—towered behind him, blocking the door. The elder one's yelling was muffled by the window, which was mostly slid shut, so Shinji couldn't make out exactly what was being said. An inexplicable curiosity compelled him to stay and watch.
The black-clad teenager didn't break his vacant stare even as the yells grew louder. Demanding respect, the father angrily strode across the room and spun his son around to make him listen. The youth muttered something and pushed the heavy hand off his shoulder. Enraged, he brought his fist back and struck the boy across the face. Shinji winced.
The boy just stood there, refusing to respond. Why don't you do something? thought Shinji. Hit him back! Don't you get it? You don't have to take that from him!
But he still didn't move. Shinji released his clenched fist and let his arm fall back to his side. Why do I care? It's not my problem. It's not my father. Besides, even if it was I wouldn't do anything. I can't. I'm no better than that kid up there.
His eyes pulled away from the window as another stinging impact signaled the time for him to move on.
Paper bags and angry voicesUnder a sky of dust
Another wave of tension
Has more than filled me up
All my talk of taking action
These words were never true
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
We're all guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again )
I want to run away, never say goodbye
I want to know the truth, instead of wondering why
I want to know the answers, no more lies
I want to shut the door, and open up my mind
The apartment building disappeared into the distance, but the emotion emanating from it would not. He had felt it when the boy was hit; he still did, as if it was his own cheek that bruised. Shinji tried to focus on the constant pattern of rain hits on the asphalt, or the rhythmic steps of his shadow, but nothing could distract him from the familiarity of the situation.
Beat me, he remembered thinking long ago. Bludgeon me to death. Leave scars all over my body. Just end the tension of wondering whether I can hate you yet.
He kicked a rock out of his path and watched it vanish into the night. I want an end to this. He won't leave me alone, and I can't stay here. If I have to run, so be it. I don't give a damn anymore. Not about Misato and her encouragement to stay, not about a love that only produces pain. I don't want any of that anymore. Just leave me alone and let me disappear.
I'm gonna run away, and never say goodbye
Gonna run away, gonna run away…I'm gonna run away, gonna run away
I'm gonna run away, and never wonder why
Gonna run away, gonna run away…I'm gonna run away, gonna run away
I'm gonna run away, and open up my mind
Gonna run away, gonna run away (mind) I'm gonna run away, gonna run away (mind)
I'm gonna run away, gonna run away (mind) I'm gonna run away, gonna run away
I want to run away, never say goodbye
I want to know the truth, instead of wondering why
I want to know the answers, no more lies
I want to shut the door, and open up my mind
I want to run away (and open up my mind)
I want to run away (and open up my mind)
I want to run away (and open up my mind)
I want to run away, and open up my mind