Chapter Seven: By Myself
Shinji was still walking, and the pavement was still rippling with swirls of fresh rainwater. Each step brought with it another set of concentric waves and another reminder that he was growing tired. Time was a notion that had left his mind long ago, but it seemed that he'd been wandering these wet streets for years.
Conditions within were no more favorable. Despite his every effort, Shinji couldn't stop thinking about why he was here. Mere evasion didn't seem to lead to anything, but as he well knew, he wasn't running to anywhere. This was a simple act of self-preservation, of trying to keep himself alive or, at the very least, appearing as such. To who wasn't the important part; if no one saw him, no one could hate him.
He shivered. It was colder than before. His soaked clothes clung to his body, offering no shelter. He hadn't felt cold like this since the last dream, standing there before his enemy, terrified. At the rate things had been going downhill, it wasn't entirely unlikely to expect his father's appearance now, cutting of the last means of escape.
What do I do to ignore what's behind me?
Do I follow my fate to escape blindly?
Do I hide my pride away from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
The way things are going downhill now, she thought, I'd expect Misato to walk in now and complicate things. Asuka looked over to the door, which remained shut, and back to the rain-streaked window clearly visible from Rei's oversized chair. It was far too grandiose for her; only I deserve a throne like this, she thought, smirking.
She had quickly regained her composure after shattering the glass panel, an action from which, in retrospect, she took great pride. That reassurance came conveniently bundled with her brimming egotism, and let her know that her position as resident queen remained secure. "Not that I need it," she said aloud as if to convince herself. "That frigid doll was never competition to me. Sure, Shinji chose her, but so what? Obviously it's just because he couldn't have me."
Couldn't he have? she thought. You would have welcomed his advances if he'd ever made any. "Yeah, right. That loser? I don't want anything to do with him or his plaything."
But you want what they have, don't you? "Of course not," she denied. "They're just slaves to each other, always ready to give unto death just to keep the other happy. Let them lose themselves, but leave me out of it. I'm perfectly fine by myself."
If that's true, she countered, then why did you come here in the first place? You came to talk so you wouldn't be alone. "That's idiocy. I came here to find out why that child Shinji was crying, and nothing more."
You can't keep deceiving yourself, you know. "I'm not," she stated factually. "This is the truth, and seeing that is easy."
Then why are you always so exhausted? she thought. Silence settled on the room as she searched for an answer.
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust none and live life in loneliness?
'Cause sunlight burns the skin of sleeping men
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again by myself
The answers still won't come, thought Shinji. And the questions still won't stop. Why am I doing this? There's nothing to gain from running, that's what Misato's been telling me since the beginning. But I know I can't stay, and now I can't go back, so this is my only option. Running away...this is a pathetic life.
I keep trying to cover everything, he thought, to be certain that absolutely no one can hurt me. I keep my distance from Rei so I can't remind myself what my hate does to her. I stay away from my father so he can't tell me how useless I am. I'm defending against all sides just to isolate myself, and I've been over how futile that is already. I need others, but I need to survive just as much.
Myself / I ask why, in my mind I find I can't rely on myself
Myself / and I ask why, in my mind I find I can't rely on myself
I can't hold on (to what I want when I'm stretched so thin)
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on (to anything watching everything spin)
With thoughts of failure sinking in
I can't drop those walls, not even for a second. If I do, they'll kill me. I'll kill me. Is there another option? Shinji sat down on a curb, watching a narrow river maneuver around his shoes. All my life, people have been telling me what I have to do. I'm not used to this. I suppose Misato would tell me to come home and go to bed so I'll be ready for work tomorrow, but that's not possible now. No going back, remember?
He sighed. Maybe it's just a matter of reputation, of making people admire me for my decisiveness, that I won't go back. But then again, if I do return, they'll just tell me I'm a fool for running in the first place.
If I turn my back I'm defenseless
And to give into fate seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on, then they'll
Take from me 'till everything is gone
"Shinji is such a fool," said Asuka. "He's always running back to the safety of his room, like that's going to help things." But he's still far happier with her than you are alone... "I said already, I don't care about them. That's not happiness. And besides, why would I measure myself against a couple of cowards?"
But are they the ones afraid to stop lying?
"I am not afraid," she told herself with more than a little anger. "And I am not avoiding anything. I'm tired of these damn questions that don't lead anywhere, and these obviously don't. Come on, Asuka, you're smarter than this. Just ignore it."
Whatever you have to tell yourself, she thought.
If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer
By myself
Myself / I ask why, in my mind I find I can't rely on myself
Myself / and I ask why, in my mind I find I can't rely on myself
I can't hold on (to what I want when I'm stretched so thin)
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on (to anything watching everything spin)
With thoughts of failure sinking in
What do I have to tell myself to make something change? Shinji had gone back to walking through the rainy streets, and predictably, the questions followed him. They were beginning to grow his frustration into anger. Always someone else has been my force for change, and I just kept up. Now everyone is gone...I've lost the ability to move on. I say I'm running away, but even that's a fallacy. I'm just running in circles. And for what? I can't be close to someone even in the same room as them! I can't feel anyone anymore, it's all just a bunch of lies and pictures of what I can't have!
"How could you do this to me, father?" Shinji yelled, dropping to the ground. "What the hell are you doing to my life!?"
How do you think...I've lost so much
I'm so afraid...that I'm out of touch
How do you expect...I will know what to do
When all I know...is what you tell me to
Don't you (know) I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside
"Just leave me alone," Asuka told herself. "Drop these stupid questions." They're all I can think about, though... "That's no excuse. Stop running away or you're no better than that coward, Shinji."
"I hate him..." She looked down at the jagged, broken mess she'd made of something beautiful. "And I'm just like him." A drop like the rain hit one of the shards. "I hate myself...I hate everything."
I can't hold on (to what I want when I'm stretched so thin)
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on (to anything watching everything spin)
With thoughts of failure sinking in