Bella has been a nightwalker vampire for three months now. She spends most of her time in the dark. But she does not wallow in pity. Carlisle and Charlie have talked to Forks High School and explained that Bella has come down with an incurable disease and convinced them to let Bella be home schooled. Charlie only knows the lie, that Bella contracted a rare disease. The truth was that Bella became a monster.

However, Jacob turned and became a werewolf. On the phone with Jacob, Bella told him the truth. She became a different version of the cold ones that he was born to fight - a monster that burns in the sun, a pretty girl with murderous instincts. She promised Jacob that she is good, that she does not listen to the urges.

One time, though, two days ago she slipped out at 1 am. She became a monster. She lunged at a stranger that was lurking in an alley way looking for women to rape, food to ravage, rain to pour, monstrous desires to succumb to. Bella told herself she was doing the world a favor. This man was the monster. Not her, right? It couldn't be her.

Her face was covered in blood and her fangs and regular teeth were drenched in blood too. She feels ashamed and curls up in a ball in the same alley that she killed a man. She let her thoughts into Edward's mind, and he came to her. He does not judge her. He holds her and whispers sweet promises to her. Promises like it will be okay, you won't do it again, I will always love you.

The blood was like a drug. Her body craved it; her mind craved it. She sunk into it; she became it. If she were a mirror, silver glass, then she would shatter. Tiny pieces thrown in a million directions into the big, bad scary universe.

At least she could sleep sometimes and forget. Most vampires couldn't.

By next evening Bella comes down from the high of draining a man. She feels okay and she does some schoolwork. She starts writing poems in order to deal with the urges. When her homework is finished, she is sitting on the couch, and she starts shaking. She cannot control it.

The sun falls. Alice convinces Bella to go on a shopping spree with her. After all, shouldn't she start her undead life in style? Alice is pychic and beautiful and Bella has always been pretty jealous of her. Like, always. So, Bella goes with her. The mall is open late, and Alice insists Bella tries on every single dress that Alice finds beautiful and right.

Being a vampire, all of Bella's senses are heightened. And ever since bAliceing turned, Bella finally feels good. She is shopping with her best girlfriend Alice, and she is still madly in love with Edward. They are planning to get married and Bella's plan to get used to the sun is still coming along slowly but surely. Edward is starting to accept that she is no longer his fragile, breakable princes. She is his warrior queen, his goddess. Nothing could hurt her, certainly not pain. Certainly not sex with him.

Alice settles on a few dresses and designer jeans and Bella buys a few pieces as well. Bella finds that she actually enjoys shopping now.

Bella briefly wonders if it would be great to turn Charlie and Renee into vampires. Have her parents forever. Her family. No, the Cullens were her family. You can't just go make everyone you love immortal. It's against the rules. Bella is a night walker now, a Cullen, a beast, a queen. She realizes Forks High School isn't the end of the world. She would go to other high schools, and colleges. She would be smart and beautiful and strong forevermore. Why not? Becoming a burnable vampire was not a mistake.

I still need to seek out Spike, Bella thinks, not letting Edward read her random thought. She wonders if Alice will have any visions about Spike. She wonders why sometimes she just can't stop thinking about Spike.

(Spike is like that, though, he gets in your head and doesn't let you get him out of it. Somehow Bella found that out when Spike was changing her. Edward wasn't going to do it after all, someone had to.)

Then she wondered why there was spite in her mind. She loved Edward. He would have changed her eventually, right? Right?

Bella wants to drag Alice to go hunt down Spike. Maybe turn Spike into a vegetarian. He knows how to get us our souls, Bella thinks. But don't I still have mine? Bella wonders.

Edward offers chaste, beautiful, sacred love.

Spike offers danger, lust, blood, rebellion.

Which one did Bella want more?

She did not know. For now, shopping with Alice and dancing naked in the forest under the moon is enough. For now.

She fell in love when she was still a teenager, and now she is cold and frozen at seventeen. Forever. It kind of happened before she found out who she was. Before she went through a rebellious phase. All she knew is that she was MEANT to be a vampire. It would have happened either way, there was no avoiding it.

Alice and Bella go on a hunt together. It is girl time. They each eat a few deer - the blood of the deer, anyways - and run freely and fast in the forest. The speed and power rip their clothing, kind of. The animal blood sates Bella's thirst, this time. It was alright, this time. It was girl time.

To be continued...