Chapter Eight: In The End

The first child brushed a lock of damp blue hair from her eyes. The rain was slowing, she noted.

For several hours now Rei had searched these streets. She knew he would be out here, somewhere, the same way months before she had known of his plans to end his life. An image of his blood-darkened bed flashed into consciousness, and she quickened her pace.

He was shutting her out. Rei felt that quite clearly. It wasn't just her, though—neither of them understood the connection well enough for that—but he was still trying to force everything away. It was for that reason that the search was taking so long. Normally, she could easily sense Shinji's presence wherever he was, but today he had disappeared, and it worried her.

Rei periodically found herself scanning the ground for some kind of trail to indicate where she should go to reach Shinji. Each time she was reminded that there were no tracks, no easy way of finding him. If there had been any before, the rain had washed them away and left nothing behind. Finding Shinji was as difficult for her as it was for him.

The dark clouds still hovered menacingly overhead, hiding the stars and dimming the light of the moon. Though night was a time of tranquility, and one that she often favored over day, this particular night had an unsettling quality to it. She couldn't quite give a name to the reason why, but it brought back memories far darker than the inky blackness all around her. There was an atmosphere of sorrow, unfamiliar to neither youth, and though most of the city's residents didn't feel it, Rei could sense nothing else.

(It starts with)

One, and multiplies till you can taste the sun

And burnt by the sky you try to take it from

But if it falls, there's no place to run

Crumbling down, it's

(So unreal)

They're dealing you in to determine your end

And sending you back again to places you've been

And bending your will till it breaks you within

And still they

(Fill their eyes)

With the twilight through the skylight in the highlights on a frame of steel

See the brightness of your likeness as I write this on a pad with the
(Way I feel)

Hear the screaming, am I dreaming, 'cause it's seeming that you've played your part

Like you're heartless, take apart this, in the darkness, but I know that I

Tried so hard, and got so far

In the end, it doesn't even matter

I had to fall, to lose it all

In the end, it doesn't even matter

The street opened up into a large courtyard. In this heavily urban setting, it could almost be considered a park, albeit one devoid of a single square foot of green. Park benches were spaced evenly around the exterior. Asleep on one near the opposite end was a fragile figure, curled up tightly. It was him.

"Shinji!" she called out. Rei ran to him, at his side before his weary eyes opened. He was a mess, cold and soaked through; one forearm had dried rivulets of blood stopping just above the wrist. She wrapped her arms around him anyway.

Shinji squinted at her streetlight-silhouetted form, his mind in a haze. "Rei?" He wanted to return the embrace, but the recent doubts made him hesitate. "How did you find me?"

She sat by his side, close enough for her relative warmth to be felt through the layers of chill, wet fabric. "It wasn't easy. I have been looking for you for a long time."

Though she spoke kindly, Shinji felt pangs of guilt. She's been inconvenienced by me again, he thought. "I'm sorry."

Rei looked confused. "For what?"

"It's my fault that you're out here instead of at home, asleep." He looked away, down at a still puddle on the pavement. "You shouldn't have come for me."

"I didn't come because I thought it was required," Rei said. "I was worried, so I searched for you."

"I didn't mean to make you worry. I'm sorry."

This was why he ran, she thought. He feels guilty about my apartment. Or does it go farther back? The simulation, is he ashamed of that? "It's okay," she said.

"No," he started, catching himself. Why can't I just accept forgiveness? I don't deserve it, that's why. I won't steal that from her. "I'm sorry," he repeated.

It hurt to see him like this. Rei reached out and took his hand in hers. She felt a short twitch, like he was going to pull away, but he didn't. "Shinji…what's wrong?"

"I don't…I can't tell you. It's nothing," he said, shuffling through his excuses. I'm running again. Even from her.

"Why not?" she pressed. "It doesn't make any difference what it is. I won't feel any differently about you. Trust me."

"I do," he said quickly, and just as quickly dropped back. "But…" Shinji searched, trying to find the words to tell her the truth without actually saying them. Tensely he tried to craft an explanation that could slip through the gaps in his defensive walls, allowing him to remain hidden and safe. As he knew would happen again, he failed. "…I'm sorry, Rei. I just…I can't. I don't know how to tell you."

Rei gazed deep into his eyes, and she understood. She said exactly what he was waiting to hear. "Tell me what you really want to say."

I look down the line, and what's there is not what ought to be

Held back by the battles they fought for me

Calling me to be part of their property

And now I see that I

(Get no chance)

I get no break, fakes and snakes quickly lead to mistakes

And as the tightrope within slowly starts to thin

I can only hope that they

(Close their eyes)

To the twilight through the skylight in the highlights on a frame of steel

See the brightness of your likeness as I write this on a pad through the
(Way I feel)

Hear the screaming, am I dreaming, as it's seeming that you've played your part

Like you're heartless, take apart this, in the darkness, but I know that I

Tried so hard, and got so far

In the end, it doesn't even matter

I had to fall, to lose it all

In the end, it doesn't even matter

Within the walled recesses of his mind, Shinji saw in those few words an opportunity. He saw safety, beyond the barriers, and willing himself for once to move, he stepped on past and was not afraid. "Rei…" he said softly, tightening his hand around hers. This is it, he thought, your only chance. Take it.

"…I hate myself."

Shinji's eyes flickered up to survey hers, and found them overflowing with sympathy. Wordlessly she spurred him on, encouragingly, readily.

"I hate everything about myself," he said, moisture collecting at the edges of his vision. "I'm a coward, I'm a fool. I'm too scared to do anything but run. I'm alone. I'm nothing but a stupid incompetent child." Shinji spat the last word out in a vicious snarl. "I'm selfish, a brat. I say I love you and all I do is hurt you. I'm worthless," he said, tears forming and trickling down. "I'm an inconvenience. I'm a plague. I'm good for absolutely nothing, and I never will be! I have no future, no place I belong, no home, no family! I am nothing! And I hate everything!"

Shinji's screams echoed in the courtyard and flooded it, flowing out of him under the pressure of years and years of silence. His eyes were clenched shut, but Rei's reflected the pain of his every crashing wave.

"I'm a waste of time," he continued, holding his head in his hands, "a waste of your time. I can't do anything but cause you pain. I'm dragging you down just to feel better about myself. I'm pathetic. I'm disgusting…I'm a monster. I'm worthless."

I put my trust in you, pushed as far as I can go

And for all this, there's only one thing you should know…

I put my trust in you, pushed as far as I can go

And for all this, there's only one thing you should know…

I tried so hard, and got so far

In the end, it doesn't even matter

I had to fall, to lose it all

In the end, it doesn't even matter

Shinji collapsed, huddled and shaking, and felt Rei's hand slip out of his weakening grasp. As he sobbed, he sensed a cool palm on his cheek, turning his head toward Rei. He looked through teary eyes and saw her do the impossible. After all of it, after he hurt her, after he told her all of the reasons why she should just stand up and leave, she didn't. Rei pulled him close and passionately kissed him.

It didn't make any sense. Anyone in her place would have just walked away. Anyone else would have seen Shinji just as he saw himself. Yet through some miracle, through the most unshakeable perfect compassion, Rei saw past all that. She felt his tension and anxiety simply melt away, his body relaxing, his mind's self-destruction being slowly forgotten in the overwhelming peace that penetrated every wall he could ever put up and rested, at his core, to cradle and restore him with a warmth that quelled the rain's superficial chill.

Rei's lips parted from Shinji's, and she let his head fall to her shoulder. For a blissful, timeless eternity, they simply held each other closely. No words needed to be said.

At last, Shinji and Rei rose. He looked deep into her eyes with an expression of unmistakable gratitude, but now, it was free of the need to repay. A weary smile found his face, and they turned to walk home together.