Chapter Nine: A Place For My Head
Vapors carrying the scent of freshly fallen rainwater rose from the cool asphalt, wafting unseen through the streets and back alleys. It was different from before, Shinji thought. Maybe the last few hours had produced a subtle atmospheric shift, enough to be noticed and enjoyed, or maybe he was just able to find anything pleasant through the clarity of release.
He was still undeniably euphoric, a smile unwilling to excuse itself from his face since Rei invited it. Between them, their hands remained intertwined, visible in the interplay of white moonlight and shadow. They swayed rhythmically with each tandem step.
Shinji couldn't remember the last time he had felt like this. It was…nice, he thought. Peaceful, even, as odd as it was to sense that. This is all I need: just her and me, and no one else.
Then, mitigated though it was by the moment's joy, his thoughts turned once again to the one person who could take his peace away. The smile vanished with a barely noticeable drop in the tempo of his footsteps. Rei glanced at him upon sensing the change. What's wrong? she thought.
Shinji sighed. "Rei…thank you, for what you did back there. I wish I could tell you how great it feels. But it's not complete, not yet. I can't stop thinking about my father. Even now, in this perfect moment with you…he's there, in the back of my mind, reminding me of all the things I said about myself."
"Those things were not true," she reminded him.
"Maybe not. But I keep hearing them from him, and every time I do, I believe them a little bit more."
Rei looked away, pausing contemplatively. "Do you know why?"
He shook his head, and glanced back to her expectantly. He was almost surprised that she didn't have an answer for him. "I guess…" he said, "…it's about how I feel toward him. He took everything away from me, but I can't escape feeling like I still owe him something."
Rei honestly hadn't expected that. They were close, but until today he had never really opened up about the things that mattered most. She did what she could: trying to learn enough about his pain to help further. Rei repeated, "Why?"
I watch how the moon sits in the sky in the dark night, shining with the light from the sun
The sun doesn't give light to the moon assuming that the moon's gonna owe it one
It makes me think of how you act to me, you do / favors then rapidly
You just turn around and start asking me about / things that you want back from me
I'm sick of the tension, sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest
I wanna be in another place
I hate when you say you don't understand
[You'll see it's not meant to be]
I wanna be in the energy, not with the enemy
A place for my head
"I don't know," he said again, and again he thought for a moment and found the reason. "Our job, as pilots…I do it to hear my father tell me I did well. It's validation, I guess. Lets me believe that I deserve to be alive, and that I'm not worthless."
"You're not worthless," Rei said. "Far from it. You are worth more to me than anything."
Shinji smiled briefly, but it faded with a sigh. "Still…I don't know," he said, uncertain of whether or not he could tell her everything. It's been a day of firsts, he thought; why not keep going? "I love you, Rei, and I want to believe that's enough. But until I'm free of him, I can't be who I want to be. I'm—"
"Don't apologize," she said, stopping him mid-guilt. He'd progressed so much in the last few hours, but old habits die hard, and none disappear as quickly as that. "This is not something you started, and even if it was, I would help you finish it."
Shinji almost blushed. This kind of acceptance took time to seem normal again, as did Rei's straightforwardness in offering it, and he wasn't quite there yet. "Thank you. But I won't ever know who I am until I do this. Either he and I are totally separate or he stays a part of me. And I can't become him. I won't."
Rei nodded understandingly.
"If that happened, I'd end up hurting you ag…" He caught himself before she could. "Well, I'd end up hurting you. That's what he does: whatever he wants, to whoever gets in the way of his own personal gain. He doesn't care about anyone else, and he'll drive them all away if it fits his damned agendas…" As he realized the bitter turn his tone had taken, Shinji exhaled it heavily. "I just don't want to be as alone as he is."
Maybe some day I'll be just like you and / step on people like you do
And run away all the people I thought I knew
I remember back then who you were
You used to be calm, used to be strong, used to be generous, but you should have known
That you'd wear out your welcome and now you see
How quiet it is all alone
I'm so sick of the tension, sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest
I'm so sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest
I hate when you say you don't understand
[You'll see it's not meant to be]
I wanna be in the energy, not with the enemy
A place for my head
"What are you going to do," Rei asked, "to avoid that?"
"This all started with him controlling me. That's where it'll end." A wave of tainted nostalgia rode his next words. "Back before my mother died, things weren't like this. He wasn't, I mean. I guess I wasn't, either. After he became who he is today, he started withholding affirmation from me. I didn't realize what was happening for the longest time, but he was starving me. And I got hungry enough that I'd do anything for just a taste. I think he enjoyed that kind of control, made him feel better about being alone." The thought flickered in Shinji's mind that maybe that was exactly what he had been doing back in the simulation. He quickly snuffed it out.
"And that's what you want freedom from?"
"Yes," Shinji said, relieved to finally pin his thoughts down with words. "That's exactly what I want."
Rei looked up to see the dark boxy structure that contained their homes, growing closer. "How can you gain that?"
"I can't," he answered without thinking. It was his default reply; it just came naturally. "He has something I need."
"What?"
Love, Shinji wanted to say, or affection. But did his father really have any amount of that? If so, certainly not for him. "…His approval. I want that. I need it to survive."
"You do?" she asked, knowing the answer. "Or can you receive it from anyone?"
"I suppose. But he's my father," Shinji said. "What he thinks about me matters more than what other people think."
"Because you believe that to be true."
Shinji's mind caught on that thought, examining it from every angle as his feet carried him up the stairs. Could that be true? No, he decided. It's impossible. What is, is, and I can't do anything to change that. Rei, she's different than me. She never had someone like my father to deal with. She can't understand.
They reached their floor, and proceeded past the dozens of identical doors. Shinji watched each one pass by, wondering who could be behind it. They were all just faceless apartment numbers, people he'd never meet, people who were happy without him. Rei's number passed him; they stopped at the door to Shinji's home.
Rei broke the accumulated silence. "Shinji…there is something you need to hear." He turned to face her, listening. The words just seemed to come to her, unbidden by conscious commands. "You will never be perfect enough to earn your father's affection. No one can be. This is by no fault of yours; it is simply how he thinks. If you continue to try for that, it will destroy you."
"But I have to try," he protested. "If I don't, it's just running away again."
"No. You're wrong," Rei said. "You only think that is so. Running away is avoiding what you know must be done, because of fear. You're running away from confronting the fact that you have value outside of his opinion. You run from it because to accept it is to live on your own, without direction, without command. That's a frightening concept to one used to living under the protection of duty. But you cannot continue to live like this, Shinji. It will kill you."
Shinji stared, his jaw slightly agape, trying to comprehend what she was telling him. Where did that come from? he thought. That didn't sound anything like Rei. Never was she this talkative, or this bold.
Rei was just as surprised to hear such force coming from her mouth. It was as if someone else was speaking through her. She said, "Do you understand?"
Of course he didn't. Everything she said was completely new to him, and completely impossible. Yet he nodded, managing an unconvincing "Yeah."
Rei said something else, and then said goodbye. Shinji didn't really hear it, not with his mind bombarded as it was just then. He returned the farewell and the brief embrace, and walked back to his room.
The blood on his sheets was nearly black now. He removed them and fell onto a bare mattress, not caring about it enough to replace the covers. All her words, they made no sense. How am I supposed to convince my father to stop judging me? he thought. Nothing I tell him can change how he feels about me, it doesn't matter whose words they are. I know Rei wants to help me, but she can't change my father, and she can't change his contempt. He'll keep doing this to me no matter what. There's nothing I can do to stop it.
You, try to take the best of me, go away / You, try to take the best of me, go away
You, try to take the best of me, go away / You, try to take the best of me, go away!
You, try to take the best of me, go away! / You, try to take the best of me, go away!
You, try to take the best of me, go away! / You, try to take the best of me! GO AWAY!
I wanna be in another place
I hate when you say you don't understand
(You'll see it's not meant to be)
I wanna be in the energy, not with the enemy
A place for my head
TAKE! / A! / WAY!
I am so sick of the tension, sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest
I'm so sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
(Take) Find another place (away) to feed your greed (from me)
While I find, a place to rest
Feeling a sudden urge to sleep, Shinji rolled onto his side. Within minutes, to his great unfelt relief, he thought of nothing.