Hybrid Theory Chapter 10: Forgotten, an evangelion fanfic

Chapter Ten: Forgotten

The elevator's doors closed, their resounding thud echoing layers of déjà vu. The enclosed space seemed to have grown smaller, more claustrophobic, and it terrified him. Shinji stood rigidly in place, not daring to turn around. He was there. Even without having looked, Shinji knew. He could feel him, staring down at him, as the shadow crept nearer despite the lights.

It was too close, far too close. In his mind's eye—the irony did not escape him—he saw it, flowing slowly across the floor like some deadly virus, actively seeking him. He would be infected. He had to escape.

Shinji pressed the buttons frantically. It didn't matter where he went; anything he could find would be better than this certain death. A chime sounded, and the doors opened. He slipped through the narrow gap as soon as it appeared, pushing himself through to the outside.

He realized very quickly the magnitude of his error. Before he could correct it, the doors closed behind him and took with them the last vestige of light from the room. If it could be called a room—without any source of illumination, Shinji could see nothing. He wasn't sure whether he was inside something or out. "Hello?" he called out hesitantly. There was no echo from the darkness, and Shinji had the distinct feeling that the shadow had overtaken him.

He took a step back, raising his open hands to search for the smooth steel of the doors. They hit nothing but air. Shinji turned, frowning, and tried again. Still nothing. He began to panic. They were just here, he told himself in an attempt to stay calm. You probably just got turned around. Go back.

But where was 'back'? Where was 'up', for that matter? He looked in that direction, but while he felt the movement of his neck muscles, what he saw or didn't stayed the same. Disorientation set in, and then dizziness. He fell to what he could only assume was the ground.

Far above him, he heard the crack of lightning. Starting off in the distance, raindrops hit the hard ground as others fell, splashing, into those. Though he sensed the storm all around him, and the wetness of his shirt, Shinji felt oddly detached from its intensity. He was numb to the thunderclaps and their preparatory groaning, but for some reason he wanted deeply to feel it, to find a friend in the churning unseen sky.

His isolation was interrupted by a bright flash above. Forked paths of pale light painted the clouds, and for a split second, Shinji could see his surroundings. It was completely empty. There was nothing, vast borderless nothing, stretching along the featureless plain on which he stood. Then, as quickly as it had vanished, the darkness rushed back, and Shinji was alone again.

I hate this, he thought. I hate being so alone. He shivered. I was wrong. This is worse than facing him. I need out. Let me out!

On cue, the elevator doors appeared before him. Shinji took a step toward them, but as they began to open of their own accord, fear seized him and he turned to run.

Far behind him, they shut again, and the world went black.

There's a place so dark you can't see the end
Skies cock back and shock that which can't defend
The rain then sends dripping / acidic questions
Forcefully, the power of suggestion
Then with the eyes shut, looking though the rust and rot and dust

A small spot of light floods the floor
And pours over the rusted world of pretend
And the eyes ease open and its dark again From the top to the bottom (bottom to top I stop)
At the core I've forgotten (in the middle of my thoughts)
Taken far from my safety (the picture's there)
The memory won't escape me (but why should I care)

In the memory you'll find me, eyes burning up
The darkness holding me tightly, until the sun rises up

The adrenaline subsided, and Shinji stopped running. He took a seat on the park bench to catch his breath, never pausing to wonder where it had come from. Indeed, an entire cityscape had risen from nowhere; Shinji glanced up at it during the moments of lightning-assisted visibility, and found it quite normal to be suddenly dwarfed by his environment. It did seem very familiar, as had everything in the course of his dream. The elevator's fear, the storm's isolation, and now this place…they were all memories, he decided, but they don't mean anything.

The loneliness certainly did. He felt it here, in this vacuum, and it was strong. Intuitively he knew he was the only person in the entire city. No one was here, not even Rei, and try as he did to reanimate his memories of her, he couldn't pierce the veil of solitude.

Thunder rumbled overhead, though the rain was slowing, he noted.

It was just like this. I was here, he remembered, asleep on this bench… He looked down at his arm, which had suddenly formed several streams of encrusted blood. …My arm was hurt, that's right. And then Rei found me.

Shinji looked up expectantly. At first, there was nothing, but then a faint voice echoed through the courtyard. He turned toward its source. There she was, at least in silhouette, on the other side of a heavy, barred fence. As Shinji ran to her, he wondered where the fence had come from, but paid it little more thought than that.

Closer now, he saw she was facing away from him. He reached for the handle to the fence's only gate and pulled. It was stuck. He pulled again, noticing the second time the electronic lock. It, too, was familiar. He recognized it as being identical to the security checkpoints at NERV. Its empty slot required a card's insertion; Shinji ran his card, already in his hand—another expected abnormality—through it, and waited. In response, the tone for a failed entry sounded.

What? That can't be right. He repeated the motion, growing impatient to cross and be with Rei, but again it rejected him.

Am I supposed to use a different card? he thought. Rummaging through his pockets, he found them empty. His one option had failed him, and he had no backup plan. Through the metal bars, Rei's form began to fade away.

"Rei! Wait!" he called to her. But she couldn't hear him, and he couldn't reach her. Soon, she was gone, and Shinji sunk back into solitude, without even a memory left uncorrupted to comfort him.

Moving all around, screaming of the ups and downs
Pollution manifested in perpetual sound
The wheels go round and the sunset creeps behind
Street lamps, chain-link and concrete
A little piece of paper with a picture drawn

Floats on down the street till the wind is gone
And the memory now is like the picture was then
When the paper's crumpled up it can't be perfect again From the top to the bottom (bottom to top I stop)
At the core I've forgotten (in the middle of my thoughts)
Taken far from my safety (the picture's there)
The memory won't escape me (but why should I care)

From the top to the bottom (bottom to top I stop)
At the core I've forgotten (in the middle of my thoughts)
Taken far from my safety (the picture's there)
The memory won't escape me (but why should I care) In the memory you'll find me, eyes burning up
The darkness holding me tightly, until the sun rises up

Shinji released his grip on the bars, letting his hands slide down to waist level. At the sound of some disturbance behind his back, he turned, finding himself back where he had started: staring through the vacuous gateway of the elevator.

It had followed him, despite its stationary nature, or else Shinji couldn't avoid returning to it. Either way, the persistence of their meetings was as unavoidable as the figure still standing inside. Each time his presence seemed to grow more overpowering, forcing itself closer to the center of Shinji's dreams. After three reoccurrences tonight alone, he could think of nothing else.

He blinked, and now the doors were behind him, sliding to trap him inside, alone with the monster. The elevator's doors closed, their resounding thud echoing layers of déjà vu. The enclosed space seemed to have grown smaller, more claustrophobic, and it terrified him. Shinji stood rigidly in place, daring at last to look up from the floor. He was there.

His form was no longer contained to itself. Not just a mere human, he embodied darkness; the shadow stretched from its core along the back wall and edged on the others like a living stain. Shinji's sight passed through his faded body. It seemed he had surpassed the restriction of being contained in one, and had free reign of every part of Shinji's mind. The boy felt him take advantage of that access as nightmarish memories were drudged up from the forgotten depths of his psyche.

No, he thought. Don't do this to me. I don't want to remember these. Please…stop…

Now you got me caught in the act, you bring the thought back / I'm telling you that I see it right through you
Now you got me caught in the act, you bring the thought back / I'm telling you that I see it right through you
Now you got me caught in the act, you bring the thought back / I'm telling you that I see it right through you
Now you got me caught in the act, you bring the thought back / I'm telling you that I see it right through you
Now you got me caught in the act, you bring the thought back / I'm telling you that I see it right through you
Now you got me caught in the act, you bring the thought back / I'm telling you that I see it right through you
Now you got me caught in the act, you bring the thought back / I'm telling you that I see it right through you

Images of himself flashed behind Shinji's eyes. One, of him interrupting a board meeting with an insignificant phone call, and being reprimanded for it. Then his father, standing high above him, the word "leave" echoing in the vast Eva bay. The same thing, in his cavernous office: "Running away again." And now, a child much younger, standing just yards from a coffin being lowered into the ground, with only one parent beside him.

No! he screamed. Stop it! Stop it! Don't make me relive that! I don't want those anymore. Just let me go, let me take back my life. Please…release me…

The shadow exploded outward and enveloped Shinji. He fell to the floor, struggling to breathe and failing. The darkened ceiling lights blurred, dimming, and disappeared completely.

He woke up gasping for air, his lungs burning. Shinji released his claw-like grip on the pillow and wiped the sweat from his forehead. He was safe now, but in so much more danger. He stood on weak legs, took another deep breath, and changed clothes. Without thinking, he slipped his ID card into his pocket.

In the memory you'll find me, eyes burning up
The darkness holding me tightly, until the sun rises up In the memory, you will find me
Eyes burning up
The darkness holding me tightly…
Until the sun rises up