Talker – Chapter Twenty-Six: Hoping For Return
Author's Note: I'm not dead! I swears! Bear with me here. The next chapter should be updated much sooner, I've suddenly uncovered some time and unburied my hiding muse. Thanks for sticking.
Ana sighed as she rested her chin on her hands, staring blankly into the dismal trees before her. Kenneth had taken to a sort of nervous pacing, and although it drove her mad, she felt as though maybe she would start as well. He hadn't been gone long, but it was long enough, and the others were not bothering to conceal their worriedness any longer. Terry rubbed his arm repeatedly as he looked towards the path with a grave stare, looking every once and a while as though he might say something, but always choosing silence. Nicole was most torn, she had never liked Tyler to begin with. But it wasn't as though she wished him harm. Not even after the things he'd done. Kenneth was outwardly unnerved, not masking it with an air of confidence as he was normally like to do. Ana, on the other hand, was struggling with a few problems locked in her own head.
It seemed so pointless to be doing it, but she just couldn't help it. She couldn't stop contemplating the situation and trying to see if there had been any other option to choose from as opposed to Tyler having to do this, despite the fact that the decision had already been made and he was already gone. But there was nothing; truth be told she just hadn't thought about doing anything regarding their dying situation until Kenneth had forced it up. The pessimistic side of her must have just rationalized that 'this was it, why go on?'. How exactly had she managed to let that part reign over her? And now she'd been so busy trying to tell them that Tyler shouldn't go that she hadn't even considered other alternatives. So what was her justification for telling them that this was a stupid idea?
She gave a glance over her fellow fraught companions, apologetic. It was the only idea. It wasn't that the group hadn't considered other options like she'd accused…So why didn't that revalation change her feelings? Dully she sank her head down so that her forehead leaned against her palm, trying to pry an answer from her mind. She still felt like she couldn't let him go. Before, she had attributed this to intuition. Her feelings before had been right, after all. Using her basic judgement, she had already deduced that going to the resort in the first place was a bad idea, and considering what had happened, she'd been right. Then again, if they hadn't gone there, how ever would they have known about Tyler's apparent advantage? It was at about that point she realized intuition had nothing to do with this. No, this didn't feel like it. She wasn't so sure if she actually sensed impending danger, just that she was…worried about it. Maybe it really was just an overactive paranoia.
But why now? Why with this? Why this when it seemed like their best option, when they had a damn good grounds for guessing that it would work? Tyler had the best chance, just like he'd said, and yet she still couldn't help but feel that she would be less worried even if it had been Kenneth or Terry to go. She swallowed a pang of guilt at that. Was that because she really didn't trust Tyler? She hated to think that she assumed him uncapable. Maybe the truth was simply that she didn't know him well enough…She'd known Kenneth and Terry and Nicole for what seemed to be a very long while. She trusted them.
No, that couldn't be right, that didn't make any sense. She mentally shook her head and sighed again, fixing her line-up of self analyzations. She had told Tyler that she trusted him, she wasn't lying. What reason did she have to believe he couldn't do this? He was strong, she knew that much. Anyone to cope with being infected like that without losing their mind had to be a fighter. All Tyler had done was shed a few tears, and even for that he had felt weak. Well if lack of faith in his abilities was not at fault, what was it that made her so uneasy?
Maybe…it was just that she felt somewhat gaurded over Tyler. He had been hers to care for since he came here, a simliar feeling for him developing as one she had for so many patients before. She'd made sure their best intrest was at heart, never allowed them to exhert themselves. Maybe it was just her coddling nature getting the best of her. Tyler wasn't her patient, he was a fellow survivor, and she had no authority over his choices, whether in his health's intrest or not. No more laws, no more rules, just getting done what needed to be done. She still…didn't want him out there. There was still something in her wrenching just thinking about it.
Or she could just be acting like an idiot. She snorted slightly, causing Nicole to glance over at her curiously. Ana dismissed her concern with a sharp nod, signifying nothing was wrong. Nothing was wrong…Well, only massive inner turmoil, that was all. Ana straightened up slightly to peer over at Terry, who was still rubbing his arm in that rigid motion hard enough to give himself a rash. Kenneth still paced, slower now, but just as much on edge. With that thought, Ana settled back into her state of brooding, falling again into the wonderment of her nagging emotions. Why wasn't Tyler back yet? It could have been an hour, it could have been five minutes, how would they know? They didn't have a watch or a clock, why would they have set a time in the first place? This was all stupid.
Well now there she went again. Hadn't she already established that it was unfair to call action on a lack of options stupid? It wasn't their fault. They weren't ignorant. You're worrying too much. You're the one who's ignorant. Said a cruel voice in her head. What the hell should you worry so much about Tyler for? If he yelled out, you could hear him. You would know if he was in danger. What if he had another seizure? How would we know that? Didn't it look like his injury was getting better? His fever's gone, his color is back, and he can eat again without feeling sick. God, can't you find anything to be happy about? She grumbled inwardly. What did her optimism know, besides, he could very easily have another fit without reason. You keep worrying like that. What is wrong with you? She was a doctor. She was supposed to worry about things like that. You were a doctor. Now now. Not ever again. Just because you're so lovey dovey over Tyler doesn't mean…
Ana stopped blankly for a moment, hand raising up to her cheek in thought. What was that…? That couldn't have been the reason she felt so uneasy…was it that she felt something for him? For the first time, she drew back and dared to remember some of the things that had gone on between them, if for the sake of humoring that horrid voice. They'd gotten along well, yes. Tyler was easy to like underneath his understandable stress. She always felt a great deal of sympathy for him, but she never thought it could have gotten further than that. Maybe she enjoyed his company, maybe she did like getting to know him better. And when he kissed her…maybe it was a little more than shock that kept her still. But fuck, what did that mean? How was this the time or place to even consider something like that? …It didn't matter, those feelings were still there.
She planted her face back into her hands with a mental growl, wanting to rake her nails over her brain to get rid of this thought. How could you suddenly spring feelings for someone without noticing? And why? Tyler wasn't her type at all, not like the other men she'd been with. Maybe he was sweet and gentle like Michael, maybe he was funny, like Luis…okay, maybe he was exactly like her type. Shit. Well this was just perfect. She couldn't feel this way, not now anyway. Not this soon, it was wrong. He's a good person, he smart, he's attractive, he's strong. And it would be wrong to like him because…? Because it was wrong. It made her feel like such a whore…After Luis and after Michael, how could she keep moving on like they meant nothing to her? She just jumped off of one man and right onto the next, didn't she?
Clenching her eyes shut, she refused to let the tears come. She wouldn't let them see her cry at something so stupid. She would never let them see her cry period. No one had in quite some time, or at least not that she knew of at the moment. She concealed her tears well after Michael died, and she knew -for that- the others had seen her as strong. In truth, at that moment, she had never felt more fragile. Tyler had come close to seeing her cry, for some reason he had an uncanny talent of sending her barriers cascading down. Damn him for that. But he hadn't, and that's what was important. So she really was selfish after all…She didn't want Tyler to go because she cared for him. Not because it wasn't a good idea.
It was then that a gunshot sounded sharply, and they all were on their feet in an instant with spikes of fear curling up their spines.
"Shit!" Kenneth cried out immediately, eyes wide. Nicole's hands were fisted and clenched into her sleeves, Terry a few feet away with his mouth hanging open and his hands frozen near his head as though he was about to pull at his hair.
"Tyler…" Ana didn't realize she'd let the name fall from her lips, but she didn't register much of anything in her disbelief. Not until she felt Kenneth reach back blindly and place a hand on her shoulder.
"…Don't worry, I-I'm sure he-" he began.
"I wasn't being paranoid damn it…" she snarled. "I wasn't."
"N-No, that had to be…I…" Terry forcefully shook his head.
"I told you!" Ana roughly shoved Kenneth in the chest, barely even giving him the need to adjust his balance. "Damn it, damn it, I told you and you didn't listen to me! There's nothing we can do!" she was frantic now, shock melting into panic, and Kenneth tried to restrain her by the wrists as she began yelling.
"Ana, calm down, he wouldn't have-" Kenneth started.
"No!" she jerked, but he was obviously far stronger. She could feel the tears trying to break past the line, but she wouldn't let them. "Are you happy now? Are you fucking happy now?" she successfully pulled away from him, putting a hand to her head.
"Tyler!" Terry yelled out. "Come on man, where are you?!"
"Where is he…?" Nicole chided quietly, eyes worried as she held a hand near her mouth.
Ana felt her hold slipping. Tyler's words of "Can't awlways win" came back to her with a new kind of bitterness, making the tears slip further. She wiped them away furiously with a swipe of her hand that told the others nothing, replacing her sorrow with frustration, but doing so poorly.
"We have to go up there!" Terry leapt in urgency.
"That's crazy!" Nicole cried.
"Well fuck, we can't let him-"
"Hey, whoah!" came a voice. Tyler's voice, loud and clear in a tone they hadn't heard him use before. "Whoah, whoah, I'm okay, I'm okay!" he was holding up his hands, arms slightly flecked with sour blood and with the supplies he'd gotten down at his sides. His chest was heaving, as though he'd been running. "It's-It's okay…see?" his voice turned timid again.
Kenneth sneered in rage and held up a threatening hand that said 'you better have a damn good reason'. "Man, Tyler, what the hell did you-"
"I'm sorry!" he breathed hard. "I-I'm sorry, I just, one got too close and I guess I…I kind of lost it for a minute. God, I'm sorry, I know I must've-" his eyes flashed to Ana with the most guilt-ridden expression and she jolted slightly under his gaze. "…I'm…I'm okay though, I did it…" he tried lightly.
Ana looked around and put her face down in her hands again momentarily before fidgeting. "Tyler, you fucking…dumbass!" she bounded forward and caught him off guard with another forcible hug, throwing her arms around his neck unabashedly and biting back a sob.
The others were surprised at her display to say the least, but it was not an unwelcome sentiment. After all, she surely knew him better than they did, spent the most time with him.
"I know, I know." Tyler looked over her shoulder with somewhat of a blush, pulling her tight against him.
"You scared me…" she said in a low voice.
"Won't do it again." He promised quietly. She buried her face into his shoulder with a murmur that he didn't quite catch.
"What happened, did they touch you?" Kenneth broke in.
Ana released him, and he almost resisted her from doing so. She stepped back as Tyler shook his head slightly, looking down and around when she felt Terry's friendly touch on her upper arm. "No, not really…one tried to grope me but I um…" he shakily wiped some of the blood on his arms onto his finger tips.
"They didn't follow you, did they?" Terry looked back the way from which he'd come. He didn't suppose it made sense that they would, but the question just seemed natural.
"I don't think so." He assured, ruffling his hair and glancing back momentarily. "They didn't want me." A mixed emotion came off of that.
Ana sympathetically reached her hand towards his side a little before drawing it back quickly, looking down again.
Kenneth knocked him in the shoulder with a hand. "Didn't have a doubt." He said confidently.
"Didn't have a reason to." Terry smiled to Tyler in a friendly sort of way. "Then let's get the hell out of here."
They were all in agreement with that. Kenneth took two of the bags and the gun as Terry reached for the other one, taking another look around.
"Come on, hurry up." Terry leaned his head in said direction as Kenneth was already off, looking over his shoulder at them. Nicole was following after Terry, appearing relieved.
Tyler hesitantly took a step forward, unable to help looking back another time, if for nothing else than in fear that maybe they would follow him. Just maybe. But they didn't…They wouldn't.
"Are you okay?" Ana's voice and gentle hand on his wrist snapped him back, turning to her with a nod.
"Yes." He said quickly. His breathing had returned to normal by now. "How 'bout you?"
She gaped at him for a short moment before she shook her head and looked down with a smirk. "Come on Tyler, let's go."
He blinked and watched her step away. "R-right." They hurriedly caught up with the others.